Loss is not an easy road
How... how do you come back from losing the ones you love?
How do you keep your brain from replaying those vital moments that fuel the nightmares in your brain? That haunts you when you're awake and tortures you in your sleep.
Where do you go?
If you haven't experienced loss, it can go in many ways.
1) A part of you is just... gone. You forget it isn't there, and go on with life. But then that one thing happens, or you see that one thing. You look over to where they should be or pull out your phone to message them... and realize they aren't there anymore. Physically. Mentally. It makes you sad. Sometimes you can change perspective and remember the good moments without turning them into dark thoughts.
2) A part of you is just... gone. You can feel the piece inside of you missing and are trying to search for different ways to find a replacement or to just fill the gaping hole in your soul. You try not to let yourself stew in it, the tears will still find you at night. But at least you've got other things to focus on like gardening, lovers, school, or other activities to keep you from feeding into the missing pieces of you.
3) It hits you really hard on day 1. you cry. you scream. you try to call them even though you know they won't pick up. you apologize for all the things you did or could have done to offend them. you plead and ask for forgiveness or explanation. for a closure that wont be closed. day 3. it still hurts. every single thing they've given you stabs you if you look at it, and burns you if you touch it. day 87. it still hurts. day 287. it still hurts. day 492. it still hurts. Day 835. It still hurts.
How do you not let your memories become tainted, like a gray fog covering all over the joy and turning it melancholy, like the late-night phone calls or the talks on the bus? The knee touches or their thumb caressing your thigh, leaving a burning sensation in their wake. Then at night, they're back! And they're not mad. They have nothing but love and adoration for you as you walk through the beautiful woods, ending in a meadow where you both lay in the grass. Side by side. Their touch is familiar magic that sends wonderful shivers down your spine. And their smile is the best thing in the world.
But when you wake up, that reality is gone with the truth:
they're gone. And they don't love you anymore.
Everything within you wishes you didn't wake up, that you could go back to the dreamscape and pretend that reality isn't hell. But sadly, that's not possible. And you're stuck in a reality where your love disappeared just as fast as your dream did.
poof
So. How do you come back from losing the ones you love? Because it's been over 5 years and I still have panic attacks when I catch a glimpse of a stranger that has a similar visage. I get taken to the ground by the weight of never seeing you again, or hearing your laughter. Your last words are grated into my heart, and I can't forget the look of fear and hatred on your face before you walked away, never to return in my life as you were. How do I let you go when you let me go for something I didn't even do? How could you pretend you knew me. All of me. For 5 years and throw me away after hearing rumors that you didn't even check with me to see if they were true.
Why did you make me your villain? Why would you think I want you dead when you're all I could think about, all I could trust. All I could depend on?
Why would you think i want you dead
when you're what kept me alive all those years?