I have held the suicide hotline in my hand, ready to press the number. I have curled up on train platforms, the cement ground touching my face, and I have picked my day of death twice.

It all comes down to a conversation where I lost someone I love. In my writing, I try to make the words flow. Sometimes they don't come, and I'm stuck in bed at 2am, hearing the pay phone dial tone like an erotic whisper. The one where she hung up on me, while I was in the hospital. When words fail, there's nothing but pain.

She's not dead. Not even close. She goes to Harvard, she's married and has three 'fur babies.' I'm some deadbeat who writes for s___ and giggles. Maybe someone will hear me in the internet void. She saves lives, or is studying to. She is better than me.

She is better than me. She is better than me. She is better than me.

I made a mistake. I didn't apologize. Not even over the hospital's pay phone. I didn't even cry until after she had hung up. I don't know if I'm repressed. Maybe I am. I went back to sleep and didn't wake up for three days. I texted her when I got out and she didn't respond for hours.

I'll never recover from the mistake I made. I didn't know, before she disowned me as her sister, that you can die while you're still alive. That is something I will never recover from. It's a sprained ankle that I didn't go to Urgent Care for, and now I'll limp forever. She doesn't love me in the same way, in the same amount. If I had a penny for every time I think about what a piece of s___ I am because of it, I would be able to afford the cost of fifteen million plane tickets to visit her, but they would be as useless as the pennies themselves.

I don't know how to recover from it. That's my answer. In filling out a response to this prompt, I thought I had something to say. Maybe I don't. And maybe that's the problem. I have no words. One of us will go to the other one's funeral, because one of us will die first. And there will be words uttered there. Words like, I'm sorry for your loss. But she's already chosen to lose me. And that's where I'm stuck on this prompt. Because how do you find words, or emotions, or thoughts, when you've already sealed the coffin on the relationship?

There's no real answer to death and I'm not sure there's an answer to what happens after someone decides you're a toxic piece of trash.

I went to the hospital for her. To save our relationship.

Click, goes the dial tone. I hear it in my sleep. I'll hear it after I'm dead.

It's funny how that sound can come up in casual conversation, conversations where she doesn't ask me about how I'm doing. Harvard's so great, she says, eyes glistening. I can't see them glisten, but through texting, there's a certain emoting that comes through with certain emojis. If she were an emoji, she'd be the little smiley one with a pink face. I see her as bubbly, punctuating my life with pain. Punctuating my life with little moments of regret and stupid responses to meaningful prompts.

I'm not a scientist. My parents were, but it didn't take.

Anyway - there's this concept of exothermic and endothermic. Something endothermic absorbs heat and causes the surrounding temperatures to drop; something exothermic releases heat and causes the surrounding temperatures to rise. There's a fun physics joke of "Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?" (go Google it, I'll wait - aww heck, here's a link: https://www.albany.edu/faculty/miesing/teaching/assess/hell.html)

But back to your query: I would say first step is identifying your personal Hellscape here. Are you exothermic or endothermic? Do you give off love - i.e. loving folks caused your processes to radiate energy and thereby absorbed your excess heat and passion in a healthy fashion - or do you absorb it, effectively giving off a cool vibe whilst silently taking all that you can from folks to the point where without their love you feel you no longer have a source of heat? If one of these two processes sounds morally superior than the other that's not the case; both are valid methods of operating. An exothermic person may require the coolness of endothermic friends/family/partners to absorb their excess energy, just as an endothermic person may thrive on others and remain steadfast/loyal to them in the process.

The point to identifying your personal Hellscape is to best understand how to deal with it. If you've lost a main source of heat, then finding another seems the logical solution; maybe it's another person, or perhaps it's another group or space that provides that comfort. If you've lost the person who absorbed your own passion, then maybe finding alternate channels - again, possibly art/hobbies not just another person - could be your means of avoiding an unwarranted explosion. Either way it's important to identify what you need before moving on to find it. Otherwise folks might give advice and it won't take; only you know you.

And whether exothermic or endothermic, Hell is nothing if not personal.

1st Day:

Don't even try.

2nd Day:

Try, but not much.

3rd Day:

Keep it slow going.

4th Day:

I don't know.

5th Day:

Regress to day 1.

6th Day:

Start back at day 2.

Months later:

Well, here is the bad news. You can try as you may, but you'll go through all those days for a very long day.

A few years later:

Nope, somehow memories still appear.

Always moving forward, with a rearview mirror.

There's no going back to what it was. When you lose someone you love, something inside of you changes forever. And just like a crumpled up piece of paper never goes back to being perfect again, we'll never be ourselves again, not like before. Because everything that reminds you of them will never look the same. It will bring you joy some days and infinite pain in others. It will bring you to your knees crying and it will make you smile your brightest smile.

There's no formula to grieving and there's no perfect time to heal. Some people never do, even nine, fifteen years later, the wound is still just as open as in day one. And other people will learn how to live with that small piece of them that is now gone, that part of them that only existed when that significant other was there. Me, I'm in between.

You change, and that's the only constant in losing someone you love. And the more you try to go back to what it was, the more you will suffer. They're gone, but their memories are just as alive as they ever were. Even when they start to fade, because time tries to take it all away, we'll always remember what they meant to us. Sometimes, I feel sad because I can't remember what my granddad's voice sounded like, sometimes I cry because I remember how much he loved me and how often he would show it.

I still cry, even with almost ten years to heal, and I have healed plenty. But I don't hate to miss them, my grandpa and my aunt. I love to remember everything that they meant to me in the twelve years we spent together. It hurts, but I don't regret one single day I spent with them.

And that's losing the ones we love.

I’m going to tell you what others won’t:

It’s tough to discover that you’ll never recover from the loss of a lover.

You’ll try to bend so that you can mend

the many pieces of your broken

heart.

Yet, as you do

You’ll come to see

those pieces simply don’t fit back

together so effortlessly.

So, then you begin a new pursuit to reboot yourself,

so that you can love another.

You put forth the effort,

but despite all attempts

the kisses you gave

the love that was made

never meant the same.

All you will do is simply compare

the love that you lost

to what you once had-your

greatest love of all.

And finally you will come to terms

that such a true love comes

around only once.

And then you will realize:

you’ll never, no never

ever recover from a love that was

lost.

There is more than one way to lose someone. For instance, gradually over time their behavior changes until they ultimately leave you, the person who would lay their own life down for them. I think this type of loss is the most painful. It is not like sudden death or a natural expected loss. What is worse, they are still alive making it their priority to avoid you (sucker punch #2).

This happened to me and I have never "come back." You never do. You cannot control the pain at Christmas or birthdays. Periodically you still cry like you did when it became a reality. The rejection sits inside you coddling with self doubt, taking up "happy space" in your heart. You become grateful for the days you are happy, pushing back the loss into short term "forget" until that song plays on the radio.

You live in fear of hearing that they have passed which would end all hope of holding them again. There is no way you can stop loving them. Nope, no coming back from this, there is nothing one can do but pray.

Oh my sweet darling! It is most important to remember that we are not this physical being, rather we are the spiritual being inside.

Your beloved is no longer in that body.

No longer part of this physical realm.

Nothing you can do can bring them back or communicate with them once they are gone.

Exceptions: they can let you know they love you and they are ok by sending you 1butterflies. 2cardinals pecking on your windows.

Love is always the tie that binds, don’t be sad for your beloved has gone to a better place. Be happy. You will see them again.

The grief of losing a loved one never leaves you; it haunts you like a specter, forever reminding you that they once existed. There will be days where you almost forget them, the pain, the hollowness, the space that they left that you can't ever fill; sadness seems to follow you like a shadow and then there are moments where you laugh wholeheartedly, uninhibited by anything; sunshine warms your body and everything feels okay. Grief comes and goes and washes over you again and again and over time, the pain lessens not by much but it lessens and you learn to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and you live, not for them, but for you; you look back with the knowledge that inside of you, you carry the memories and the love that you shared and that you would do it again because having known them has made your life infinitely better.

Let's understand this from the real life examples

My grandma(mom's mom) she is now 85 years old ,

She does not remember things that good now as she used to remember before she forget things pretty fast but when I asked her who was her favourite person she said her grandfather I asked her more about her grandfather she told me everything during our conversation she also told me about how her grandfather died she exactly remembers the day when her grandfather died which clothes he wore on that day what he ate what was his last words how he looked when he died how the funeral happened she remembers everything.

I asked did she feel bad till now she replied yes but said it's life everyone is going to die someday.

My grandmother laugh with us celebrate with us sometimes she becomes the happiest person in the house even if she lost so many people that she treasured ,loved or cared. But she remembers everyone of them all she do is pray for them she feel satisfied when she prays for them this is what she said to me.

Let's come to me now.

My grandmother died a few months ago(father's mom)she patted my head just the day before she died and and prayed for my success and I didn't even shed tears on the day she died I felt sad, bad but I just won't be able to cry I don't know why I won't be able to think properly for the whole day , I couldn't sleep at night but everything become normal as the time passed I still remember everything, the sorrow of loosing is still with me ,

but the life won't stop it goes on and on it's on us how we handle things because everyone is going to loose so many people between the journey of life so it's on us weather to move on and focus on what's left or keep holding what's gone the one who is never coming back

Yes memories will hurt but it's no unique everyone was is and will be facing it so just take a deep breath ,a sweet careless sleep and because so many things are yet to come until we die.

At last one example.

There is a old man who never left a house in 40 years when his grandson asked him why don't you left house in 40 years he replied that he fears from leaving house his grandson asked why didn't you tried to leave the house let's try it nothing will happen his grandfather starts shaking and said that he can't he then said that only if he left his house on the day first second or third day of fear he would be able to leave the house the more he wait the more the fear increase.(I didn't address this situation properly thanks to my little knowledge in English but I guess you will get the Idea what I was trying to say if you don't please tag me)