John, Chris, and I had talked about it. We knew what we were doing. We didn't have the chance for questions. We just knew it had to be done. I saw the fear in their eyes, but I was strangely calm. Hoping the outcome to all of this would be what we want. He took a breath and held my hand. Smiled at me before saying, "I hope we dont land." I took my breath before I gave it to grace. And Chris just stood there saying his prayers. We were three people with a death sentence...and off that bridge we jumped, hooked like fishes.
Blue eyes. Oceans so deep, you could feel the waves crashing on you. And that laugh, so long and so sweet you would stop and listen. The face, so innocent so sweet, you'd be blind to miss it. That love, so pure and so deep your heart would burst of you felt it. Those lips that kissed you goodbye. Those hands that never wanted to say bye. The kindness in the soul, those arms that never wanted to let go.... undescribable.
Let’s Talk About Me
Let's talk about me and why I write.
Let's discuss if I am wrong or right.
Let's talk about fame and mortality.
Excuse the useless formalities.
Let's talk about how I'm feeling so broken.This one shread of hope of a life is my only token.
Let's talk about a life that I wish I could've give.
She would have done it better than I ever did.
I'm a drifter.
I don't stop.
You keep going.
I'm all that you've got.
I know you need me.
I wish I could do more.
Than keep you breathing..
This world is a hell of a world
I don't believe in saying that word. I believe in only this.
I grew up in a world of religious people and here is all I know...
Be a decent person, believe in whatever makes you want to do great things. Don't hurt one another. And remember. Smile everyday.
Before her, no there is no before. There was just breath. Once I saw her I knew. This was it. Something I'll never regret. Ever.
Do you see me?
Because I see you.
I'm sure you'd rather be up here.
I'm sure you'd rather be up here.
Searching for answers...
Wishing you were elsewhere.
But I see you,
Might be a glimmer in tear stained eye.
Yes, you'll be fine.
I can see you.
Hope you do,
Because I'm excited to see...
I was something before that fated moment.
I was something special in your eyes, you hands and most especially your heart. I think of how it felt seconds before it ended. Where I became the thing that you simply looked at and shrugged and didn't need me anymore.
I remember when we first met. What felt like minutes ago. You waited for me. The line was busy on that particular that day. But you were craving something, and when you saw my name illuminated under cheap lights, you chose me.
That was just minutes before I was ever loved, wanted. Hell, even needed. But I didn't understand the desperation of that type of want until I found myself against this hardness seconds before red turned to green.
Let's back it up quite a bit.
This wasn't the first time I had heard the stories. I've even heard about my friends being returned - untouched - because they weren't "so and so" what they want.
I heard the murmurs, that the customer is always right. I guess we are always going to return to the place we begin.
For the most part of my existence, I did a lot of traveling. I wished for the day I would be warmed up by what they called was care and wanting. They always referred to us to being easy to love because we were fast, ready and good for the at least the most part the soul. So I waited so patiently, knowing one day it would be my chance.
I traveled through a state or so, never really seeing the world, but I always overheard their words. The cravings, the lust, the want, and mostly the desire at the late hours. I didn't care what time it was, to be just be desired was enough.
But regardless, of the infinite amount of never really understanding what they meant of the rumors of being smashed and discarded, I still could care less. That wouldn't be me, I was destined for much more.
I heard about this place through the others. Something that said cuold be considered the most notable place to be in this city. Well, notable or popular or convenient. Not sure, but I was optimistic.
It sounded wonderful. So many others that I had travelled with had told stories about how lucky and appreciated we would be there. That we would be truly loved...to pieces. I always wanted to know how they were doing once I heard them creak away. Silently, wishing them the best of luck, jealousy creeping as burning as a freezer burn.
I was always so patient. I knew my time would come. I heard the creak off the tires as they stopped. But it was the first time, I felt the gentle, but somewhat unsteady hands of what was followed by a gruff breath near me.
I felt as we moved, my entire being swelled. So giddy was this anticipation that I hoped would finally be what I had always wanted.
Instead the unfamiliar conversations followed, indistinct voices and again more creaking. I felt us stop abruptly. I shivered. It was even colder wherever we are at now. I wasn't sure whether there had been a mistake. I thought they spoke of warmth. The ones that ended up being sent back. They said it wasn't because they were wrong, they were just a mistake for that person.
I felt so bad because I could hear them cry silently, and then there were no more cries. Sometimes, I fear that I will be the one that will be on the front lines waiting, thrill running through me....and then the almost immediate disturbance of a final dream taken away so suddenly.
I held myself to the resolve that that would not be the case. Not me, I was destined for the what I have been hoping for since my creation. Warmth.
It felt like much more than an eternity when I heard the crackle. The blue eyes that looked down, I expected something much more, but they barely glanced for a second. The confusion started to set in.
Immediately, before I knew it, I was with next to my friends, who had shared the wonderment and dreams with me since we could remember.
It happened so fast though. I heard my name being called. What? So soon? It felt like seconds before they started to wrap me. Ah, the warmth! I knew they hadn't been lying!
Eventually, I was snugging up next to some good old friends. I could feel their own relief near mine swelled up in anticipation.
The hand off seemed a bit pushy, but I decided it was because they were just as excited about me as I was of them.
But the rough set down did shake my spirit slightly, almost an afterthought. I could feel a slight hope pass. It's much darker than I thought. I always assumed there would be light.
Soon, their hands came though shuffling among my friends and I. Something much smaller than expected wrapping around my being. Unwrapping slowly. I felt a halt, pause two times. I realized I never knew what came to fruition after the beginning.
But suddenly, there was a random jolt, and I felt the wave of warm wind. I heard an exasperated yell during my propelment. "I told you not to keep the window down!"
"Well, you shouldn't have slammed on your breaks!" Another voice.
"Well, grab the other one. We are late."
I heard screeching as I hit very roughly. I laid there, this type of warming was uncomfortable.
I barely heard them saying, "It's ok they are biodegradable." And as the voice faded away, quickly after, "Well, most of it is."
Shuffling, I pushed the button and stopped. I cringe at the tears pouring down my face, as a poorly dress man approached. I barely noticed as I stood and waited. I felt his eyes on me as I stared forward, so I turned, not in the mood for this type of intrusion.
"What, speak sir." Rather he pulled out a ratty notebook, but also put a finger up as if to tell me to wait. Then he handed me it quickly. Words, scrawled so quickly that I had to take a second.
I'm mute. Nothing has ever been fixed by staying silent,
Such advice from a mute? Irony buckled.
I stared at these words, and then back at him. On sodden paper, he had offered them up so generously to me. I pondered the fragile essence between my fingers. I looked back up at him.
"But you do not speak, how could you offer such advice?"
His toothy grin looked back down at his notebook. I waited as I heard the frantic scribbling.
Just because I am not vocal by your definition, does not mean I do not communicate.
He looked back down at the notebook, and quickly wrote more.
Why are you so sad, my child?
His eyes told a depth of empathy, though he did not know the source of my pain.
"Have you ever loved?" He nodded, sullenly. "Have you ever lost. " His eyes went quickly away.
I put my hand on his shoulder. He continued to avoid eye contact.
"Could it ever be resolved?"
He shrugged, but eventually he nodded. One bandaged hand, traipsed against his worn face.
"Will you try again?"
He looked at me. His blue eyes almost searching for something.
"Would it help you to know why I am afraid?"
He went back to pen and paper.
Have you loved, also?
"No. Wait, possibly. Ok. I don't know."
His eyebrows lifted in question.
I shrugged my arms in hopeless despair. "I have always hoped for love with each person I have been close to. But it has never proffered more than a broken heart. I suppose in some ways, I always hoped it would just happen. But, nowadays it feels like a job. I just wish the people who say they love me, would actually be there for the bad times. Instead, I'm crying in the rain, sort of conversing with a stranger."
The walk sign flickered suddenly across the street. We silently started to cross. When we got across the street, he turned to me and gazed down again.
He brought out the book again.
You will be fine. If anything, same time tomorrow?
He started to walk away, but without hesistancy, I called out. "Hey!"
He turned and stopped so suddenly. I thought my bravery was going to forgo me.
"Would you possibly like to get some coffee? I'd like very much so to continue this conversation and I know a great spot down the way."
A different softness appear in his eyes. "I'd be delighted," he said as he turned away.
I stood shocked for a second before I yelled at his disappearing figure, "I thought you were a mute?"
Fading quickly into the shadows of the dark, he lifts his hand as a goodbye, "Only until I find something worth saying."
You are too shiny. Everyone I interact with wants to meet with you. You light up the world and provide these strange interactions. While they may be small, possibly futile.
You proffer the chance at a budding relationship, or even b better a friendship.
All I know, is without you, not many people would be apt to approach me.