one fold, two folds, three folds, four

origami feelings knocking through the door

paper tulips, roses thorns and vines

insomnia pursues me deep into my mind

every nerve screaming for sleep but i don't wanna dream

last time i drifted off i died for many years it seemed

but nobody would miss me as i'm too far to redeem, so

maybe if it lets me then i'll finally let go

and yet here i am up at ungodly hours

hands getting sore from folding paper crafts

and yet sleep eludes me, although i desire

nothing more than to just close my eyes and dream

and yet here i am overcome by this feeling

that no distraction could hope to steal from me

refusing to elude me, that i desire

nothing more than to be held close by you as i dream

push aside my curses and my worries for a night or two

make me forget the aching scar around my throat

push aside your worries and your troubles for tonight or two

purple origami roses leading down a path to you

though i'm scared, i desire nothing more

than to be held close by you

though i'm scared, i need you there

so i'll dream a dream of you

While little girls and boys were trying to mold clay into flowers, I was trying to mold my body into a Barbie doll. My stomach was the canvas and my hands were the paintbrush, and I tugged at my skin until it was the color of fire and burned. Now I use my hands to hold prayer books and I bless every time my body carries me through the day without wanting to faint. I bless the times I cry through meals but eat anyway. I bless my friends who listen to me vent, even when my problems are too big for them to grasp. I bless my therapists for listening to those big problems. I bless the times where I wake up to men grabbing me in my sleep, but realize that it’s only a nightmare. I bless the nights when I hold a razor blade to flesh but don’t break the skin. I bless the times that I called the suicide hotline. I bless every day that I am alive and every day where being alive isn’t my only accomplishment. I bless fresh air and sunsets and furry cats and sand and all the little things that I can see now that I’ve conquered the big things. And for all these blessings the greatest one of all is the one called recovery.

a flaring purple heartbeat should've stopped me from the start

but i'm a fool who never learned to listen

your voice raised to a siren's roar as you grow ever-closer yet

i can't bring myself to yell again

your body streaks in violet and your words are crazed and violent

and even as you lunge i try to reason

your hands wrap around my throat and though i scramble and i choke

your voice holds no regret in those eight letters

"i hate you," oh, "i hate you," spilling pouring from your lungs

as i feebly try to strangle out "i'm sorry"

rage in your eyes ignore my cries your grip it only tightens

digging my nails into your hands so weakly

and just as fast i hit the ground as you had thrown me down

a wheeze for air and i notice that i'm crying

i hear a clatter and a roar of rage and before i can turn to see it

you're on me again with no intention of stopping

white-knuckle grip on your gold-handled knife

i wrestle best i can to keep it from me

with near-no effort it's in my shoulder and i sob

and again to my chest and to my stomach

play with your prey, you let me drag myself away

only to plant a foot on my back and carve

lines and symbols and shapes too painful to make out

my fingers bleed as i claw at the floor

i've not even the energy to scream for help

only sob and hide as the knife draws blood

and you laugh and call me weak and hit and kick

i've not even the energy to lash out

on the brink of death is when you let go--chances are

you only thought i was gone and you'd won

and i laid on the floor there

and i bled

for the final time you drove the knife deep into my back

and carved a figure of a crown, taunting me

and the blood was warm as it flowed and i fell into unconsciousness

and i bled

up and down and side to side and

as you can see, i’m not the villain here

in and out and turn around and

if you look close the victim here was me

puzzle-patterns shifting up and down and all around the world and

picture-framing victim-blaming judges in a row

a friend to mend the aching pains is soon to have their brain washed

breathe in breathe out and empty out your mind

whether or not the heat was hot i’m bound to start a fistfight

whether or not the truth was not i’m gonna throw a fit

whether or not the heat was hot i’m bound to start a wildfire

whether or not the truth was not, i don’t care either way

up and down and side to side and

as you can see, i’m not the villain here

in and out and turn around as

if you look close, the victim here was me

east and west, oh, what a mess

that i’ve made in the courtroom

right and left it’s for the best

that they’re never seen again

optical illusions in a kaleidoscope of lies

drown the flame cuz i’m not to blame (even if it is my fault)

ah ha, one apology and they’re all off of me, torches to the sky

i’ll clear my name and play this game even if someone has to die

a world of dreams or so it seems, a sugar-coated nightmare

a world of dreams torn at the seams by no-one else but me

a world of dreams or so it seems, but i’m still not to blame here

a world of dreams torn at the seams by the ones who surely hurt me

up and down and side to side

as you can see i’m not the villain here

in and out and turn around and

if you look close, the victim here was me

east and west, oh, what a mess

that i’ve made in the courtroom

right and left, it’s for the best

i promise this is for the best

up and down and side to side

but none can see i’m not the victim here

in and out and turn around and

nobody’s bothered to see the villain here is me

east and west, a beautiful mess,

i’m burning down the courtroom

north and south, but i’ll shut my mouth

now that justice has been served

marry me in vegas and we’ll gamble off our lives

a disaster of a center stage yet for nothing more we’d strive

our smiling faces silhouettes in blinding neon lights

take my hand, my love, and we’ll be ours tonight

marry me in vegas and we’ll gamble off our lives

marry me in vegas and forever we shall thrive

come a little closer, baby, trust me, i won’t bite

take my hand, my love, in these dancing neon lights

playing russian roulette is no longer a thrill and

i don’t get a kick from the heartbeat of a kill but

standing by your side alone just makes me want to faint

my eyes glazing over by purple-orange paint

and the slot machine a’spinning hardly even turns my head and

blackjack’s hardly able to even hold me by a thread but

with your hand holding mine i think i might just die

there’s nothing more enchanting than that light within your eye

marry me in vegas and we’ll gamble off our lives

a disaster of a center stage yet for nothing more we’d strive

and god forbid i say it but i’d love to share a life

right by your side, oh, right by your side

marry me in vegas and we’ll gamble off our lives

marry me in vegas and forever we shall thrive

take my hands and tell me ‘till the day we die,’

marry me in vegas and we’ll gamble off our lives

you’ve been my beacon, you’ve been my light

you’ve been a warmth in the darkness of the night

now, i’m not sayin that i’d spend my life,

but i’m just sayin that it would be nice

adrift in an ocean, try to stay afloat

a rope of indecision around my throat

and i’m not sayin that i’d spend my life,

but i’m just sayin that i’d spend my life with you

somewhere on a foggy distance,

i’m beckoned by a warm orange glow

opening its arms to me, softly, shining,

along a path of winding, spiraling sunbursts

and while i'd be more than happy to embrace--

(it'd be the safest i'd ever felt in my life)--

i can't help but feel trapped where i stand,

unable and unwilling to budge from where i am

yet the longer i sit and hesitate,

i feel the weight of roots begin to wrap 'round my feet

digging into my skin and into the ground to hold me still

drawing weak trails of blood down my flesh

and, yet, in this fear and adrenaline, i push forward

dragging myself through roots and thorns adorning me

flowers sprouting relentlessly across my legs and upward

spindling roots now tearing into my stomach

not only do i yearn for the sparks of ecstasy--

those invading, burning feelings in my head--

the irresistible coils of hold and release--

not only that, i yearn for you,

a scarlet diety inviting its arms to me,

waiting inches from my face, yet so far away--

its back pressed to mine in the fulfilling yet empty warmth,

catching his breath and my own right out of my lungs

whether i am simply a partner, or a many-night stand,

that doesn't exactly matter to me anymore--

for my desperation's grown too strong for it to matter--

i outstretch my arm to reach you, to grasp your hand,

and find myself tangled in roots, trapped in place,

bleeding from scratches and spikes and holes,

my eye clouded and tear-stained,

sunbursts growing at my very seams.

love, though it’s nice being in your arms each night,

though i love being in your arms where i know i’m safe,

i can’t stay here forever without putting you at risk

my name and face are strewn about the streets

my name and face are wanted, dead or alive

and i’ve grown oh so accustomed to hitmen knocking at my door

with guns and bombs and bribing with a bullet to my head

if i knew any better i’d really let them shoot me dead

but i know you'd mourn and hurt, so i yet avoid

the hunters knocking at my locked and guarded door

yet i've a recurring nightmare that refuses to leave my mind

it's late into the night, and i am in your arms,

warm and safe, with no cares in the world,

and a window breaks and in pours hunters and hitmen,

your body twists to shield me despite my scream of protest

and i feel your being jolt as bullets blaze into your back

and i wake with a scream of anguish at a sight untrue

and while i'd love for this world to cry out and die

what if my world is you?

ah, a blue horizon, so distant, yet here in my face,

glowing gently in an empty night in which within

i'd prayed to the heavens i'd never see the stars again

yet here they are staring into me like a thousand eyes,

ripping warmth into my skin which rips my throat out,

seafoam flooding from my eyes and through my skin,

dying me blue purple green red blue purple green red--

who am i to feel again? who are you to make me?

who am i to feel again, when i know you'll just break me?

a blinding blue horizon--burning, blaring in my head--

briefly, your hand brushes mine, filling my mind with dread

a false shelter opening its arms to me, a smile on its face,

and what of my past? am i simply supposed to erase

the spirals arcing in my head with no hope left to find?

the worthless echoes drive me mad and call me all but blind--

for that silent smile suits you, in your deep yet gentle sleep

too late to drag me from the quicksand, as i'm early-in too deep

surely you know you're taunting me with that unyielding gaze

i've driven up a wall in fear at your merciless praise

my face, oh how it flushes at the simple thought of you,

i've nowhere else to run away and i'm unsure what to do

i'd rather die than condemn you now, yet i'd rather die than not,

i thought i'd been freed long ago but yet again i'm caught,

in a web of thoughts and feelings that simply will not leave me be

i still find myself drowning in a deep and dreadful sea

if this is how i finally die then i hand the gun to you

shoot your shot straight through my fucking head so i'll finally be through