alive, I suppose -- in a way

it's like I've been reaching

for something on the

top shelf,

and the floor bottoms out

before I can jump to

grab it. but at least I've been

catching myself,

just before I trip and fall,

hands scraping against pavement

but no real harm is done. alive,

fingers constantly toying

with the knot of feelings in

my chest. yarn, rainbow, all

tangled and tied.

alive. now, the

weather feels less like a gasp and

more like a slow exhale.

my breath, warm and cloudy

and grey, proves the one thing

I need, which is that

I'm alive

we were young. him 11 and me 12, a sunny april day that we were spending inside watching a movie (La La Land. the end made him cry. i love that kid). Mia and Seb, on screen, finally kissed.

my boy, ever the quick-thinker, offered a kiss and i accepted, just a quick peck, and i spent the next twenty minutes staring at the floor and trying to compute that i had just been kissed. like for real. it was too much for my hopeless romantic brain to handle. i had been hyping that moment up for years and it happened on the couch in my den.

couple months later, he tells me he's gay. after taking a month to get over the rejection, it's been almost four years and he is now my best friend. i'm going to his house tonight to eat dinner with his parents and sister.

- listening to my dad on his work calls

- my name when typed or spoken by someone else

- the new shirts i got from Khols

- this book i’ve been reading called Simon the Fiddler which i have yet to finish but oh gosh, the writing is just so beautiful, the way the mc talks about music... i feel truly seen and understood

- cold air and the whisper of snow in the forecast

- waiting on writing competition results (which is more nervewracking than enjoyable, and i’m trying not to get my hopes up... but for at least one thing, i think i have a chance)

- the new pink color for my username on discord

- (momentarily) figuring out how to set up a bot for my friend on discord and feeling like a ~woman in sTem~

- the hamsa i colored pink, purple and blue that i taped up to the inside of my desk cork board

- my friend is responding to my texts again and i think she’s gonna be alright

- watching all the marvel and star wars movies with my friend

- writing a lengthy review of thor and why i didnt like it

- ^^ more specifically, being interested in something enough to write about it again

- recognizing directors before seeing their name in the credits

- singing at myself in the mirror

- good hair days

- hot chocolate

- my new bed and the bedspread i ordered

school is a prision

a place where i am somehow not good at the things i have always been good at.

red pen is the law

and my tears are the handcuffs.

self hatred in my veins,

so deep it makes the mariana trench look like a kiddie pool.

i’d jump,

i want to jump,

sink down into the ocean and become just another fish in the bunch.

but isn’t that who i am already?

just another fish,

pushed around by the sharks.

and naturally they don’t care,

nobody cares,

nobody sees the way i’m floundering.

My walls are up too high /

faulty defense mechanisims, like the button's jammed / lungs refuse to open /

they won't release, i feel like i could cry /

and i'm so jittery and scared i think i'll die /

it's 10:22 and i'm still awake /

watching the clock go forward, forward /

backed into a corner / i wanna hit the breaks / please drop the game /

i'll try and stay / please forgive me if i leave /

healing animal, that's what i am / fight or flight, i wanna flee / big brown eyes that cannot hide and tiny legs that break to carry me / healing animal, that's what i be /

why are they so desperate to keep us learning this year? it’s hard enough for EVERYONE. just give us a break please /

we’re dying /

it’s like i can feel the pain everyone is in when i’m in class. everyone is sad and tired and it hurts /

i can’t do this for much longer /

i’m literally going insane. i haven’t slept in 3 months, just coffee, water and food keeping me up. i have such bad mental health /

i’m so tired, the days are the same /

i have no idea when i’m going back. my friends were what kept me tethered to reality. i want my life back /

i wish it would all just stop for a day /

i’m so drained and sad all the time and i’m failing all of my classes but i physically can’t make myself care enough to fix it /

even just yesterday feels so far away /

i feel like i’m the best version of myself i’ve ever been, but i’m hurting. i’m always hurting. everyone is always hurting. we need connection... /

it feels way longer than 8 months /

i was the last student in my building that thursday, last words spoken to me were “see you monday! if there’s still school next week haha”. pain /

i can’t do this anymore

i can’t do this anymore

i can’t do this anymore

from

tiktok commenters in america

(words not mine - comments taken from a post by @sativaruins)

I had never seen the twin brothers side by side before, and it was kind of a trip. David and Taylor looked less similar when they were next to each other, but I still had trouble telling them apart. Same brown hair, same body type, same general face shape. Little did I know that by the end of the week, I’d be able to tell them apart from behind, by their walking styles. Next to them was Sam, tiny but insanely talented Sam, who once pointed a stick at me at a "dance party" and then walked away. I said to him now,

“Hey, I think I saw your water bottle in the lost and found. Is your name Samuel, or just Sam? I can’t remember.” He met my gaze squarely and replied,

“It’s John.” Oh, shit. Instantly I felt horrible, couldn’t think of anything really to say in response. I could have sworn his name was Sam. I just stared at him awkwardly before I managed,

“I’m so sorry. John.”

David was smiling at me, which was really distracting. I didn’t know him that well at that point but I knew he was cute, talented, and also very close friends with Sam - er, uh, John. I could almost see my chances get up and walk away with a wave. Or maybe I was overthinking it, it wasn’t that big of a deal to mess up someone’s name. But I felt awful, cause I knew how it felt when someone got my name wrong. And Sam sounded nothing like John. How the hell did I get that mixed up?

“I’m just kidding,” John laughed. “My name is Sam.” Goddamnit. Of course. “And thanks for letting me know about the water bottle.” David grinned and I gave him a reluctant smile in return, shaking my head at him.

“No problem,” I sighed to Sam. “David, will I see you at evening electives?”

“Yeah.”

They walked away, and left me embarassed and flustered.

(David actually told me later, that moment was what made him take interest in me as a person: he thought I was considerate to remember about something so small as a water bottle. It’s so weird how different our perspectives were in that moment.)

she says, ‘damn, we gotta hang out during the war?’

it’s meant as a joke, but god knows it’s not.

red white and blue,

the blood of angry men, early winter snow, and the flooded, washed out facade of false freedoms we were promised.

three days out.

the world is holding their breath and it’s really starting to hurt

cause my lungs need to let go

but we’re so close yet so far

and so much is at stake

and the businesses are boarding up their windows

and the people are readying their guns

and if pennsylvania doesn’t make the right choice we’re all gonna drown

and maybe it’s time to disown a few family members (something that was done a long time ago but mama always forgets who we shouldn’t be talking to)

and

i

am too young

to be this scared

of losing

my rights

and my safety

and the words of my elders echo in my head

where do we go when we’ve been kicked out of everywhere else?

kiss me with your mask on / we're seeing stars

honey / the world may have gone to shit / but at least we're / who we are

i lost the chance to touch you / i've fallen too far

at least we're alive / and that life is ours