Last night we had our last goodbye.

After an endless amount of tries.

Today I struggle with my pen,

As I mourn these severed ties.

My eyes were locked on yours last night,

As I subtly breathed you in,

That musty cedar mixed with smoke,

That always made me spin.

You dared me with that look of yours,

To be the one who goes,

But we both stood rooted to that spot,

Our breathing syncing slow.

We closed the gap between our lips,

For an ill-advised last kiss,

Since we both know we’re a toxic love,

But fuck, that mouth I’ll miss.

I found my love with the ocean.

I fell into her waves, exhilarated by the unpredictability of her arms.

Her salty wisdom, washing away my past sins.

But her power was too strong, her current too forceful.

Turns out her water has the power to kill.

And the ability to erase the evidence after.

Of men my mother warned me,

Of their brawny, bullish ways.

But men never impressed me,

Never got me in that craze.

She never told me women,

Had parts I’d pulse for more,

Their lips, their legs, their breasts,

What could I need men for?

But father could have told me,

And given warning too,

That women aren’t just pretty,

They’ll break your heart right through

For his sake, I hope he doesn’t know,

Just how loud you moan for me.

Or see that scratch and bruise,

Across your back and knees.

I wonder what he thinks at night,

As you avoid his gaze in bed,

Or if he has a tiny clue,

You’d prefer me there instead.

Do men think that they have it all?

That women can’t have more?

I’ve seen his house, I’ve seen his bed,

Had you against his every door.

Your husband need not ever know,

It’s not just sex we share,

I dominate your entire being,

In an everlasting affair.

Her grey eyes are what I see,

as soon as mine are closed.

Her lips kiss all my memories,

Leaving me shaken and exposed.

But this girl holds my heart so close,

With the protection of her own,

That opening up and exposing myself,

Feels safe and less alone.

This poem is hers to read at night,

When my body can’t be there.

Those times that distance roars it’s head,

She’ll know how much I care.

I’m hers to keep in this life,

Plus all the ever afters,

And my broken smile begins to heal,

With each new passing chapter.

Today I did not think of you,

until I started writing.

But habits keep my pen alive,

Our story it keeps rewriting.

I have a hidden fear,

that this feeling will be lost,

Even though it has been killing me,

And retaining it has a cost.

But once my greatest love is gone,

there’s one thing left to do.

Reality sets in and I’ll finally move on.

I’ll let you go, I know it’s now,

you’re no longer mine to use.

I’ll find a different way to cope,

Without my heartbreak muse.

My eyes are drawn to that drawer.

Each night as she falls to sleep.

I study the beautiful carving of it.

It’s intricate, just like her.

Sitting in the room so proudly.

Yet shrouded with intended mystery.

What she doesn’t want exposed,

Sitting safely in its embrace.

But we both know what’s in it.

And one day a new me will be here.

Sitting on this bed. Looking at that drawer.

And those new eyes will study it.

And the truth will set in for her.

That I’m the one in the drawer now.

Her eyes are the ocean.

Not the deep blue of the darkest sea.

No, she’s that perfect part of the water,

That shines from the sun’s touch.

With ripples you can see through,

Clear and cool in their transparency.

I want to swim in her perfect color,

And dip my head into her cool stream.

Open my mouth to drink her in,

And taste her deceptively calm drops.

For I feel dehydrated without her gaze.

Until I remember that nothing is perfect,

And even the clearest waters hold danger.

But I still dive in, forgetting too soon,

That these ocean eyes will drown me.

These women are all so kind to me,

Never asking for my heart.

They hold me when I ask them to,

For that moment before they depart.

These tears that creep into my eyes,

Are automatic at this point,

And no reflection on these arms,

As I hide my face and cry.

My offer’s weak, most simply leave,

Without even being told.

And as that door is closed again,

I’m reminded this bed is cold.