<p>Broke.....

Broken is the heart!

The body!

The mind!

Like a toy out of childhood anger. We sometimes throw life away.

Love and pain. Throwing a wench across the room in fitful anger.

In fear. In pain. In death of love.

Walking home in the rain again.....Is it home?

I never made it home, Or did I?

“Home is where the heart is”I read that once. I don’t know where.Maybe on one of those inspirational paintings about Jesus? Maybe an advertisement making me get a mortgage?Where is my heart?

It’s in my chest silly Billy, but not really. It’s scattered among the stars That I cannot touch no matter how much I reach.

Walk. Walk. Walk.

In the rain searching for that heart so that maybe I can love,,,

NO!

So that someone will find my heart beating for them.....</p>

I hear the music. Standing alone in the corner I think "What the FUCK happened? "!!!

I had a house, car, city council post, my kids...

Now.. drink...drink...drugs...snort, slam, ride! Adrenaline! 

Why?

Because it feeds me now!

A woman I love that will never love me!

Pain.

A year filled with death.

It's a good year compared to last.

Three a.m. walking the dog.

A brut husk of a thing. Dark Black..me in a hoodie and flower print skin tight paints. Scarring the block ..

A kiss goodbye on the dance floor. She was amazing! Genovive...(again? )may as well be Genocide.

A text from an x about needing money, tents and black...and all we could have been and he is.

A blind girl named Sky. Coffe and conversation... Instead of drugs...drinks and death. Talking about a cloud she can't see. She's more blind than me. Calls me a fool and ask me to show at 7:30 pm tommorow. I think I love her!

Ignored in a corner by an x that chose that drunk over this one.

I just want to be held by that tiny blind girl right now...anyone.

Where is she? Her name is inked on me forever. Not the future..the past I guess...

Oh...yah! Not here!

One wife, two...

Three and four.

When will I learn?...maybe when the blind girl finally takes this heart.

Because maybe...just maybe..her heart like her eyes can't see my faults. Only my love....

I lived the life.

A wife a little fence with city council dilebrance.

Heart pounding. ..lights..cops..dogs. I remember the last time they bit me. Blood streaming out of my arm..pain

Pain...Whats your name! Do you work?

Fucking pigs!

Im just trying to survive.

Pedal...pedal..its not a race.

But it is..its a race for another day of freedom.

Searching...scanning at speed for a one way..to go the wrong way..

Dodging cars...predicting the future. .to avoid a broken bone or two. Maybe death..but I've felt that pain. .I have felt that death all too much this year.

Family..friends. .by accident..time catching up or just choice.

Why?

Why to all the loss?

To embrace them. To remember the joy..the sadness. .the pain and just being with them..

I don't know what to think right now...

I want to curl up under my blanket...sad remembering them.

I want to feel the sunshine on my face remembering those precious moments with them.

I need the wind in my hair at 50 miles per hour..taking the chance I will join them..

My name is Joe.

I'm an adrenaline junkie.

To live and remember all who I have loved and lost.

So that I can live.

I love you my wife, my mother, my family, my friends.

A chain....a chain is a thing. ..we wear them all the time...

Around our house....around our car...our whatever we want at thaT moment...

A girl...a guy. ..babies and white picket fences. ...

To play. ...to LOVER....to be alive! !

!!!

Usually I where two chains.

Left and right. Bonded. ..Married!

Now just chained to the right. The left scared and broken from my loves.....

Open but with an X on that finger waiting to be framed or coverd.

Who is willing to try this fool amd hos dteams?

Let me introduce you to my best friends.

Summer Chaos, well that’s her club name. She never will tell me her real name.

It was one of those almost unbearable days of humidity and heat that marks the beginning of a long break from school. Sweat running off my forhead stinging my eyes, a rash forming in my crotch from under wear that didn’t fit and a sunburn throbbing on the back of my neck. I didn’t care. I was too busy poking an ant mound with a stick. What else do you do when your seven and its the first day of no school for the next three months?

“Hey!!! Hey little boy!” Peirce’s through the symphony of cement trucks and cars passing by.

My attention pulled away from the destruction and frenzy I was causing, by what? A little red headed girl across the street. Girls who needs em! The best reaction I can come up with is to throw a rock at her. Clearing twenty feet of yard and the highway width road prove a bit too much. Expecting to at best scare her off and at worst make her bleed I get something entirely different. The annoying little read haired pixie turned and ran inside only to come back seconds later with her mom! To cross the street and talk to me!

“I didn’t do it!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

“Do what?” The towering parent of terror asked “This is Summer. she wanted to come over and meet you. She doesn’t have any friends since we are new to the area. Is your mom home?” As the mystery mom walked away to find my mom in the house.

Standing face to face with what the dread deep down told me would be my downfall over and over. A girl! I wanted to run, to say no, to fight off what would be the repeated mess in my life over and over.

“Your my boyfriend! My name is Summer Chaos!” this amazing, little, beautiful, red haired pixie yelled at me as she grabbed my hand and dragged me on a lifetime of adventure and heart break.

Autumn Love has always captured my hart. She stormed into the bar on my twenty second birthday. Tall, covered in Tattoos, short black hair, mini skirt and combat boots. Setting her eyes straight on me I was almost scared.

“Hi! Buy me a drink!” She said with a sharp tounge as she sat down beside me and placed her hand on my thigh inches from my crotch.

“So to what do I owe this pleasure” I asked as I signaled the bar tender to bring a double gin and tonic. While feeling both terified and exilerated this wild woman had chosed to sit by me i moved just a bit closer.

“Your cute and I don’t want to go home alone.” she wispered and imediatly chugged her drink and laid into me for a deep kiss.

As she pulled back she looked me squarly in the eye and said “You’ll do! Now lets go home. I’ll drive. You can come back for your car tomorrow.”

Autumn reenters my life every year now at almost the exact same time sometimes very physical and sometime just wanting a friend. Every time she is exactly the bossy, controlling love of my life. I love her!

Aaron Winters has saved my life more times than I can remember. Sometimes it has been when I was heart broken and just couldn’t handle it again. Times when I have been down and out and just needed a place to sleep and a meal. I can honestly say I would not be here if it wasn’t for him. About twenty years ago he litterally pulled me back from the edge.

I had met a girl that smashed my heart in a brutal break up. She had left me for another person while I was out of town. She had taken everything. I was so uterly crushed that I could no longer see a future. Wondering the streets in the rain I came to a highway overpass. Looking down on the traffic I began counting the passing trucks. Imagining the timing between each. Yes, I stepped up on the ledge.

“Mike! Stop!” Aaron screamed as he grabbed my arm and pulled me from the edge of the bridge. “What do you think you’re doing? No one is worth this. You aren’t making things better. You’re only letting go of the chance for it to get better forever!”

Aaron saved my life that night. As he continues to do over and over and over.

Sarah Springer. Well, we are snuggle partners. We help each other plan for our future, dream of posibilities and imlement change. Even if that change doesn’t always work out well. So over and over we depend on each other to rejuvinate. Our relationship is very guarded and private so I’ll close by saying that without my other friends I would not have her. Without her I would not be able to handle the chaos, adventurers and loving truthful ness of my other friend’s.

The rain gently falls.

Washing away today.

A symphony of crickets accompanied by the beratone of frogs and the base of the factory.

Sitting in the dark.

The amber glow of my cigarette buring a hole in the black.

The gold and white softness of a tiny tiger. Puring, trying to comfort me.

Remembrance.

Reality of the anger the sorrow toward someone not her but always with me.

A hole in my heart. The loneliness of love always blamed toward anyone but me.

It must be me..

After all, I'm broken.

I run away from those that want to love me, want to be my partner.

Covet those that may love me but will not be my partner.

I love you...

A longing for those words to mean more than I'll see you next time. Be safe.

To mean I can't be without you. I don't want to exist without you.

Where?

Where are you right now?