7-Eleven

just past dusk

I watched them from inside

standing there arguing

over cigarettes

he was a disgusting fuck of a human being

head shaved bald, shining with sweat

a black sleeveless shirt and

black tweeker jeans

and those weird tweeker fingerless black gloves

she was an old Native

skin scorched to leather

eating something sloppy

from inside

next to her drink on top

of the garbage can

I paid for my things and watched them while I waited for my change

he raised his arm up at her

weak fist

and she flinched

the counter girl gave me

an apologetic look

I walked out and unlocked my door

set the bag on the passenger seat

and he did it again

I closed my door and walked up

to the sidewalk

he looked at me and I shook my head

“What the fuck, man?”

he put his hands up

“Hey, it’s cool, brother. Hard ass day.”

she looked at me indifferently

and put another

bite into her mouth

I walked back to my car and heard him talking low

“You fuckin’ bitch. The fuckin’ cigarettes are OURS, you goddamn hear me?”

I started the engine, he raised the arm again

and I shut it off

the counter girl walked out and said something

to them and went back inside

he walked off in a huff

clutching his backpack in his slimy grip

she watched after him and yelled,

“YOU DON’T WANT ME HAVIN’ NOTHIN’!”

she swallowed another bite

bit the straw and drank

trashed the food

threw her bag over her shoulder

grabbed her drink

and walked after him

I restarted the engine and backed out, took a left onto Solano, drove up my street

and thought about living alone

the glory and restlessness of it

all the good and bad

but at my house

the dogs were there

the machine was there

the night was there

and there was something

young about it

I parked in my driveway and killed

the lights.

I used to light up and drown my sorrows in cheap liquor.

I used to try to burry my heartache in the beds of strangers who would not remember my name the next day.

I used to make up false realities in my head to have a place I could escape to when my thoughts became too dark and my heart became too set on vengeance.

I committed every sin to try to get away from who I was or who I could be

But it did not stop me from stumbling down dark alleyways with my nose covered in white powder and my hands shaking and my heart pounding inside of my chest.

Nothing I did could stop me from trying to outrun myself. Nothing anyone else did could cure me of my self hatred.

I have stabbed myself in the back

I have devoured the hopes of my enemies

I have broken innocent hearts

And drank the blood of those I claimed to care for.

It all came back void.

Every attempt left me as more of a failure than before

I was a mortal

Living in a ghost town

Everyone knew my secrets except for me.

I did not see myself until no one else could.

I did not save myself when no one else would.

I was never willing to wake up from the nightmare I lived.

I just hung out and hung on.

Living in a nightmare seemed better somehow, than waking up and not knowing where I was or what I had done.

-AshleyAnne

I have always had skin problems. Not acne, but scars and discomfort. For some reason that only the secret gods know, I was born into a flesh that feels like a jail cell. Most days, this body is trying to shut down. Barely breathing. Aching.

I would like to say that I could shed like a snake, and feel some kind of newness, but I am - and always have been - worn out.

I was busy reading the paper and smoking pipes in the womb. I held knowledge where most people only held curiosity. And the world has tried to kill my aged soul.

Someday I hope to think of myself as a fine wine. Maybe I am an acquired taste, but what is not?

In the evening, I sit and stare at white walls like they are the night sky. I wish on the imperfections I can find in the paint job.

In the mornings, I sigh a sigh of relief and grief. I am relived that I have survived, but grieved that it seems to be all I can do - survive.

I am uncomfortable. I am imperfect. I am aged far beyond my years. I am an acquired taste. Sip on me. Tell me that I am here for more than labored breathing and scar tissue. No one can tell by looking at me that I am cursed, but maybe it is everyone else who is cursed. Maybe I will be the cure. Maybe I am the antidote to the worlds ignorance.

Until the moment of purpose passes, I will wait and bleed. I will burn down and float atop the same waters that try to pull me under every day.

-AshleyAnne

I am the knot in your throat.

The dark place in your heart where the wounds hide.

I am the one you never wanted and almost had.

I am the one who comes before THE ONE.

I was never meant to be permanent.

I am temporary.

Times drags me away from those I love,

And the moment they think they love me too

They are swept away in the sea of hands I'll never hold

And kisses I'll never have

And poetry I'll never share.

I am the one you'll remember

Because parts of me are in everyone you meet.

I will never be THE ONE, but I am still one.

-AshleyAnne

People keep asking me how I survived. I do not really know. I know that every day I had to remind myself to breathe. I know it took a long time to build myself a new heart.

I cannot hate you.

I cannot get over you.

I will always love you.

It's just the way things have to be, I guess. And I have this hole inside of me that is shaped exactly like you. It's a black hole inside of my bones. I keep grasping at everything and anyone to try and fill this hole, but it is bottomless. There is no end to it, possibly because there is no end to the love and devotion I have for you.

Ask me to come home.

Ask me to be yours.

Ask me to let you in.

I will.

Maybe because I forgave you. Maybe because I can't un-love you. Maybe because you are the only one who can stop this disaster in me. Maybe because I am a fool. A fool with a heart that clings to pain the way that an infant clings to its mother.

Pain is my mother. Insecurity is my father. And I am the product of everything you love to destroy.

How did I survive? I survived by locking love away in a small dark box and storing it in the bottom of my left lung. Every time I breathe, I risk setting love free. Survival isn't really what they want. They want life, and that is something I haven't had in a long time.

-AshleyAnne

There was a time when I was brave. When I could tame the beasts in my head, lay with the lions in my heart, and hunt with the wolves in my lungs. But the sun and moon have both set on my bravery. All I have are undiscovered stars, and undesired fears. I no longer have the courage to face myself, and I could blame you for that, but I am the one at fault. You backed me into the corner of myself, but I chose to lock myself inside. I am the prison and the key. The wound and the bandage. The infection and the healer.

One day, maybe even today, I will be brave again. I will lasso the sun and the moon and put them back in my sky. I will tame my beasts. I will lay with lions. I will hunt with wolves. I will breathe without the fear of suffocation. I will face myself. I will finally see that I am beautiful, even when you say I'm not. I will stand and proudly proclaim my imperfections, because without them, the light would never have found its way in.

-AshleyAnne

I wonder if you realize you can't take a compliment to save your life and you hold far greater treasures in the craters of your heart than you are willing to admit.

I know the first person that will finally break down the wall of doubts you keep yourself in,deserves a trophy.

I didn't believe in the Midas touch until I met you and I see all these people who love you and who you've turned gold.

And I wonder if you are aware your mother should teach a class on how to raise a boy and we'd all be better off

And I hope you never have to bleed.

And I hope you never have to break again.

I hope everyone who meets you takes advantage of how special that is.

And I want to ask them if they notice you were meant to shine.

I hope you ignore your conscience sometimes and dive head first into the first impulsive idea you have because you were meant to live like Charlie and conquer like Bruce.

Remember when you said I was pretty?

I tried to tell you I was a monster with jealousy & anger issues

But you laughed

But I meant it

You were always good at laughing.

Remember when you said you loved me and begged me to give you a chance because you had a dream we got married

But I don't believe in marriage.

But you were always good at ignoring the things I said.

Remember when I called you in the early hours of the morning interrupting your sleep but you’d answer anyway

And you'd put on your socks and got your keys to make sure I was okay but I never was.

You were always good at jokes and bad at saying no to me.

Remember you dated that girl for a year and a half?

Our friendship was diluted into once upon every three months, with a hello and a witty comment but I could never say anything witty back

But you were always good at small talk

Remember when I kissed you out of curiousity instead of feelings and you were so happy it scared me and I ignored your texts for a week

But you were always good at forgiveness

Remember when we didn’t talk all summer and you showed up to my house and you had too much alcohol, so you passed out and hit your head

The ambulance came and I didn't know how to stay mad at you after that

But you were always good at coming back

Remember when you finally found another girl and texted me about it and I was relieved

But I was never good at sharing

And you were always good with moving on

And I was always good at disappointment

And I can’t write but when I do it’s about you, and I still have your voicemail wishing me good luck on a job I ended up getting

I know I have our pictures stored away somewhere on my computer under a file called Don't.

Remember I told you I can't make up my mind and I never know what I want.

But you were a better person than me.

And even after all that you still can make me laugh.

And you were always better at laughing than me.