There was always light when I tried to find one.

There was happiness if I dared seek it.

I was just too afraid

to feel so numb, so cold

afraid of finding myself alone in this dark universe

afraid of forgetting that life is a gift

but also afraid

that my smile could become not mine.

Veganism changed me. It changed my mind and my soul. I started seeing everything different, as if all my life I had seen everything through a foggy mirror and finally I had seen through it.

But how could I be happy when people around me didn't listen? How could I be happy if my strongest, constant thought was alone; voiceless?

There was a quote I thought about constantly:

"Is it better to live in a lie and be happy?

Or know the truth and live in pain?"

I sometimes didn't know which one was a better choice, at the end.

Because I was afraid of burning inside out, afraid that the idea of being lied to would consume me. Afraid everyone fell into the lie that was life and flow with it like a moving river. Afraid the illusion would guide everyone forever.

Including me.

I felt empty sometimes. Alone. Easy forgotten. I felt like I knew too much truth. Truth that, no matter what I said, no one would listen. I felt like I was alone in a consuming way of thinking. But also the right one.

I wasn't alone in my way of thinking. No, there were people; countries that were changing to the cause I followed. Internet, as a long distance friend, was always there for me.

And it always listened.

I felt like I was supposed to love and wish something that, as much as I tried, I couldn't. I came into a conclusion, or at least, that was the conclusion I came to that day. 

We are all different. Just because I don't wish something everyone else wants doesn't meanI am wrong myself. I felt like if I tried to be like them, I would loose myself. I would loose my uniqueness. My strength. My love for what is blooming, progressing. 

I was afraid I would fall into this eternal pit were I would not distinguish myself from the dark. I was so afraid of forgetting what being myself was.

But I was also afraid of that constant fear consuming me.

Desire. We all feel it, relish it, ask for it. It's in our bones, desire, a call that is in all of us. But doesn't it gives us pain?

Desire in general does not. The wanting of feeling fresh air in your skin; the need to drink cold water after a hot day. It's normal and it is inside of everything. It takes such a stand  in our lives, that we even let it control us.

Selfish desires; those are the ones that hurt us in the end. Eating that glazed donut; fucking your married boss. It ignites us, fuels us. But it lets us burn in the end. 

Selfish desires is in everything and in everyone and if we are not precarious, we will let it rule us mad.

Growth. Everyone aspires to grow as a person. In different ways, -not necessarily good- we want to grow and adapt, change. A big part in life is trying to change for what you think is better. 

Life is enjoyable and interesting because of our own struggles and achievements. For example, you want to help the environment. So you start recycling, you start saving water, you buy an electric car. You become the embodiment of efficiency. But then you become vegan, helping even more the world. But even then, you decide to try and spread the word about how that will help the earth. Constant change, growth and adaptation.

Growth gives us a life's purpose. We hold on to it; the same way a hungry kid holds on to his last piece of supper. It's in the back of our minds, only knocking now and then.

It is one of the best human attributes. The need to change, to achieve. The need to be better for yourself. Growth is what made of the earth what it is now, and it is what makes the world strive for the future.

I wish people had hope for humanity. I see how we think so badly about each other and we let each other down so easily; as if by doing that we find comfort in ourselves. People tear other apart so they can be the ones shining in the sky; but how does it matter if we shine if the rest of the world is grim black? If we built a life save boat were only one can fit, building it purposely so we don't have to give a chance to others so they can survive too? 

The world would be so perfect and so at harmony, I think, if we were not as selfish as we tend to be. Just because others conquer doesn't mean you can't conquer yourself. I understand how being the best is like a drug to our veins, but not letting others in the world shine is sad and, honestly, it disappoints me.

I wish I had hope for humanity. I wish I could see the people in it and see progress, advance. I wish I could see love and peace. But humanity never strived for that, as neither its people did.

I wish I would let myself try and understand their reasons because they are indeed valid and humane. I wish I would not be as selfish as I am and wish I wasn't one of the billions who have this mentality deep inside. Because we see each other and we see competition and opponents; challenges to achieve our goals. But I wish people would see each other and see the gift that they are given by simply living. Coexisting.

"What the fuck is this?" I asked Romeo as I groped the supposed "cheese lasagna". It stank like feet and dripped on the side like soup. Romeo was radiant with her creation though, ignorant of my disgusted comment.

"Is a chef's piece of art. I don't expect you to understand." She said with a lifted chin. Her short hair shone against the too-bright light of her kitchen as she took the plate and threw the food in the trash.

"I thought it was art." I said as she desposed the food, my eyebrows rising.

Understanding is one of the hardest things humans can achieve. Understanding others and themselves. Understanding beliefs, selfishness, cruel decisions. Understanding the universe.

I wish I could understand myself and my own decisions. Understand that, judgment and insecurities are a shallow thing that runs in the bare surface of who we are as a being. That those thoughts, they do not and will not represent who we are.

We tend to think about others in our own selfish and humane perspective. Never dare to see them in their own eyes and understand that they are also learning and trying to be better, because they have thoughts and mindsets of their own and that they don't always fit with ours. But others are not wrong, the same way we are not wrong either.

I don't think we are ever completely wrong or completely right. It's always about the mindset and ideas crafted into our heads. So how can anyone be perfect if everyone has a different definition of what perfect is?

Not understanding ourselves, others or the world make humanity what it is. And I think its beautiful. 

The only thing I solely wish we could all understand, is the act that we are all constantly growing as people and that as a river, we flow towards where our path wants us.

Understanding, I think, is unrequited. And I think that that thought is beautiful, the same way humanity is.

Human beings work like liquid. We are given the chance to roam free until we physically can't flow any further. We are set and molded into this shapes and holders where we are forced to work based on our surroundings. We fold and rejoice in what we are given, no matter what that is, and we work with what we have. We startup unless we are swayed or stirred or moved. By life. For life.

We freeze when we are afraid and boil when we are angry. We evaporate into society and its story because we are told to. Because we taught to. Because we think our nature asks  for it.

But we are not born knowing what we are supposed to become. We think that because we are set in a place and told that that is where we belong, that is then our final destination.

But we decide our destiny, not our society. Our surroundings. We are not chained by them. Holden aback by them.

We are a single form that belongs only to ourselves, never with the same shape or ideals.

We constantly change because that is what we think is our destination.

But think of what you do, and think if your very soul is right with it. If that is what your liquid soul desires. If what you are doing is your very own choice, not a social impulse.

Thrive in what you believe in. Listen to your heart. Love your very soul. Let yourself free.