9/29/17

Yesterday was an incredibly tough day. The morning was filed with Miralax bathroom rushes and an uncertain, worried mind racing in 200 different directions. I was rough and, for someone that usually holds things close to the vest, emotionally draining.

I spent the morning racing to the bathroom fairly certain the testing I was preparing for in the afternoon would reveal stage 4 colon cancer and that I would be overrun with polyps throughout. The doctor would come out and tell me I have very little in the way of treatment options and that weeks/months is what I am looking at.

The answer I received, though still not great, was much more hopeful.

He found 2 small polyps in my colon, 2 small polyps in my rectum, and a large rectal mass. Once again, the rectal mass has passed through the colon wall and moved into the liver (bad, bad news), but rectal cancer is more treatable than colon cancer.

Biopsies have been taken and sent to the lab. I should have results back next week hopefully confirming rectal, not colon, cancer.

I have not spoken with an oncologist yet, but setting that up is what today is all about.

I will have many more answers coming as we learn more about my specific cancer.

Sharon and I will have options and many hard choices to make.

Most importantly, for the 1st time in a week, I have hope to see my sons finish growing into adulthood and becoming fine men following the path God has for them in their lives.

Is it too much to hope for the opportunity to hold and love grandchildren some day? I hope not! Imagining life cut short of that is more than I can process right now.

So here I am, standing in the storm of my life. The wind is blowing. Lightning is crashing all around me. The trees are swaying and there are branches falling. There are shingles flying as hail batters all around me.

But I dare to hope. I am defiant in the storm. Head up. Mind clear. Standing. My body may be breaking, but my spirit will not be crushed by cancer.

Unbowed and Unbent to cancer.

Broken and hopeful in the arms of Jesus.

UNBOWED, UNBENT, BROKEN

Thadd

9/28/17

Here we go…

About 2 months ago, I started feeling off. I started losing weight about 1 ½ months ago. When I started, I weighed 213/214 pounds. I tipped the scales this morning at 180. I have lost 33-34 pounds in around 1 ½ months.

Earlier in September, it wasn’t just not feeling good and a diminished appetite, it was bouts of vomiting. The first time, I let Sharon know, but dismissed it. My weight wasn’t in freefall yet. About 9 days later I vomited and there were blood splatters in the vomit. This was the Thursday bout 6 days our from starting our vacation and heading to College Station, TX. Elijah was scheduled to compete in the Texas Shootout archery tournament at Texas A&M University.

I had already set up a doctor’s appointment out of concern, but it was for after the tournament. My weight was starting to plunge. The blood in my vomit was alarming. So I moved up my doctor’s appointment and stayed home while Sharon and Elijah went on to the tournament.

On 9/20, I went to see my primary care physician, Dr. Morris, and she took blood to run labs based on my symptoms.

On 9/22, they came back with high levels of liver enzymes. At this time, it could have been a gallbladder issue, so we set up an abdominal ultrasound for Monday morning, 9/24.

I have had a whirlwind week from that point forward.

The ultrasound revealed multiple low density masses in my liver. I scheduled and went for a cat scan that afternoon.

A close friend from my time playing softball and that I go to church with picked me up and took me for the scan. Once there, one of my small group leaders and pastor met me and prayed for me before I went back for the scan.

The results were sent to Dr. Morris and I almost immediately received a call that she wanted to meet with me at 4:15 that afternoon, and if I still hadn’t had anything to eat or drink, then don’t. Lunch had just arrived, and as hard as it was, I pushed it away.

I sat with David and Karen and sent a message to Sharon letting her know what was going on.

At 3:45, we headed to the Liberty Clinic so I could meet with Dr. Morris.

Dr. Morris was direct and to the point. There are multiple low density masses in my liver. The largest masses are 4.8cm each, one on the left and one on the right. That’s two masses that are almost 2” each in my liver of multiple masses.

She wanted me to go for a GI tract scan (EDG and colonoscopy), but it will have to wait so I can prep. She needed more blood to test for markers for colon cancer.

This morning, the markers came back very elevated pointing to colon cancer. That means the masses in my lever are metastatic liver cancer that has migrated from my colon.

It is now Thursday morning, 9/28 and I am taking the last prep for my colonoscopy and EDG. With migration to the liver, odds are a grim diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer.

I don’t have specifics yet, but if it is stage 4 colon cancer statistics say I have an 11% chance of surviving 5 years. Chances are my time , whether I fight or not, is short.

With the diagnosis pending, I have a have a hard choice to make of whether I fight for short term quality of life or longevity. Treatment options will be presented and there is much to live for.

I have my wife of 21 years, Sharon, and my 2 sons, Isaiah (almost 19) and Elijah (just turned 16). They have been who and what I have lived for and worked for. They have been the driving force in my life, my meaning.

What I would like to see, my request, from my friends and family, is stories. I would like to put my story to paper for my sons and eventually their kids, and so on. I need help in this endeavor. If you have memories, good or bad, of me, anecdotes of how I may have affected you or your life, pictures, etc… please send me what you can. You can send in messenger, or ask and I will send you my address. Nothing is out of bounds. I will sort through everything with Sharon while I can. (I’m proud of her. She’s now written and self-published 2 books and is working on a third.)

I have one more thing to ask. Don’t pity me. Don’t look at me as a victim. I refuse the label of “Cancer Victim”.

Regardless of what my outcome is, I will FIGHT, defiant, for life. That fight may be short and for quality. That life may be longer with harsh treatments. But FIGHT I will. I will stand tall with my head leld high even as my physical body is hurt and falls apart. I will not bow or bend before cancer even as my body is broken. I will be broken before my maker and search for his purpose in this process. And regardless of whether or not I ever know his purpose, I will know “All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

As I walk through this journey, Sharon and I will set up a Caring Bridge page to post updates. We will have myriad need along the way, prayer being the most vital.

I will continue to journal (something I have never done and felt wholly inadequate at) and post occasional notes as I need to clear my mind of all the thoughts racing through it.

I am blessed by God and to have a beautiful family and friends. I have a wonderfully supportive church. My mind is intact and I can express myself.

As my Friend, Tracey says, “God is Good”.

My external circumstance is just that, an external circumstance. How I approach it in mind and spirit is everything.

I am Unbowed and Unbent before cancer.

I am broken before my creator and savior, Jesus Christ. I have for myself and my family because of him.

Trusting with hope in the arms of The Loving and Only God,

Thadd

9/27/17

As I woke up today, I continued to get hit with a barrage of speculative new and tales of social injustice and victimhood. Tales of political wrongdoings and how terrible politicians are.

Bill Clinton was a liar and philander. Bush lied about WMD’s and started an unjust war. Obama destroyed our race relations and healthcare system. Hilary lied, people died. Trump is racist and his followers are deplorable. Denounce the Nazis and KKK. Antifa and Black Lives Matter are terrorists. All NFL players should stand for the flag or they are unpatriotic. They should be fired. I’ll never watch again.

Meanwhile, the western United States burns in wild fires. Texas and Florida are devastated by hurricanes. Mexico has been rocked by large earthquakes and hundreds are dead.

My Facebook wall is full of outraged news stories about how despicable “so and so” is because they did “x” or didn’t do “y”. If you disagree, you’re an idiot, libtard or snowflake. You’re a racist, misogynist or homophobe.

When did we stop being people? When did we stop being sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, cousins, mentors, friends... able to see each others humanity and seek to understand each other?

We are filled with outrage for anything outside our limited, petty bubbles of belief. Many of us have ceased to seek common ground and understanding. We live in a sometimes angry and contentious world as a result.

For once, though, and moving forward. I have a wish.

Life is short. Life is fragile.

STOP!!! Listen to the people around you. Hear their thoughts and perspective. Show them respect. Try to understand. You don’t have to agree, but try to understand. Don’t react in outrage or condemnation. Respond in love and compassion. Leave the name calling at home.

We cannot continue as a nation on this path. We have to change.

Final thoughts, teach love and compassion starting at home. Be respectful of the people around you. It may just give you an opportunity to be heard yourself.

And while you are at it, let your parents, kids, siblings, friends, etc... know you love them and care about them. Give them a big hug and tell them you are proud of them. Life is a fickle thing. You never know how much time you or they have left. CHERISH IT! IT’S A GIFT!!!

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Hopefully I don’t ramble too much here. I don’t write like this very often and needed to purge...

It’s the age old question for Baby Boomers. As someone firmly a part of Generation X, I have been asked the question many times.

The Beatles have been showered with love by so many, and they sing about peace, love, belonging and acceptance. They always had the pretty boy, Paul, and the Poet in John. George and Ringo were great, too. They were easy to love.

Then you have the Rolling Stones. They swagger. They are obnoxious. They are rebellious and in your face. They shun authority. They live hard and fast. They are the boys you don’t bring home to your parents. Mick dances and struts. He doesn’t sing pretty. He oozes with tension and angst. Keith is a legendary party animal. Their other guitarist, Brian Jones, drowned shortly after being fired from the band. They are the “Bad Boys”. The personification of the “Peter Pan Complex”. They are dangerous.

Although both of these bands have undoubtedly influenced me over the years, I have to change the flow of the conversation and answer The Kinks.

They are the third wheel of the British Invasion. Their music is not pretty, but awkward. They don’t swagger. Their 1st hits are “You Really Got Me Now” and “All Day And All Of The Night”. They are over the top and fun.

The battles between Ray and Dave Davies on stage are legendary. They fist fight with each other during shows. They are raw and open. Their music has a depth not seen in either the Beatles or Stones. They are not the heart throbs or bad boys. They are the every day working man trying to find their way and make a living. They are down to earth. Their songwriting and lyrics are underrated. They are the underdogs. Sometimes prone to biting social commentary, sometimes wistful and reflective, sometimes over the top. The are often times uneven and aloof.

Fast forward to the late ’80s/early ’90s.

Seattle is hopping with activity. Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, Mother Love Bone and Nirvana are starting to make a lot of noise.

Soundgarden sign to a major label and releases Louder Than Love. Their bass player abruptly quits and it takes a couple of tries before they find a suitable replacement.

Mother Love Bone signs and are about to break when their singer, Andy Wood, dies of an overdose.

Nirvana is trying to solidify their lineup and have recruited Melvins drummer, Dale Crover, to join them on some demos. Melvins guitarist/vocalist, King Buzzo, points Dave Grohl to Nirvana and reclaims Dale.

Alice In Chains is kicking around at the Music Bank and Jerry is recruiting Layne Staley to join the band.

Soundgarden releases Ultramega Ok and Louder Than Love.

Nirvana release Bleach.

Mother Love Bone’s Apple is released.

Alice in Chains release Facelift.

Temple of the Dog is released.

Nevermind is released.

Ten is released.

Badmotorfinger is released.

I hear Nevermind and immediately love the album, listening to it repeatedly. It is rebellious, but hauntingly beautiful. I push the hair metal from the ’80s mostly aside. I have found heavy music with depth.

Pearl Jam is starting to break. I still haven’t listened to it.

I turn on Headbanger’s Ball and see the video and hear Outshined. Soundgarden has cast a line, hooked me, and reeled me in. I can’t even pretend to fight it, I’m blown away and on a quest for anything Soundgarden I can find.

I purchase Badmotorfinger and have a regular rotation of Facelift and Badmotorfinger playing almost constantly.

I buy Ten and I am largely disappointed. Eddie can sing, but sounds tortured and makes Pearl Jam largely unlistenable for me.

Nirvana and Pearl Jam take over. They have conquered the rock and roll world and vanquished the ’80s.

I grow tired of Kurt’s tortured status and move past Nirvana. He just seems to be angry and lashing out.

Facelift gives way to Sap, gives way to Dirt, gives way to Jar of Flies.

Badmotorfinger leads to Louder Than Love, Ultramega Ok, Screaming Life and Fopp. Superunknown is released and takes over the airwaves with Black Hole Sun.

Kurt kills himself.

I wait with anticipation for Down on the Upside. It arrives and is wonderful. I am hurt and disappointed when they break up a year later and I have not seen them live. I got to see Alice in Chains with Layne twice, but no Soundgarden. I mourn the loss of a great band. They had been a constant companion for my early to mid 20’s. Their music, much like the Kinks, cuts through and is a big part of the soundtrack of my life.

They are not Nirvana. They are not Pearl Jam. They have grown a depth that touches me. Pearl Jam and Nirvana are more successful. Nirvana broke the whole scene open. Alice is so powerful, dark and brooding. The metal head in me loves Alice In Chains. Layne is haunting and powerful, evn when diminished by addiction.

Soundgarden, though, is the proverbial “rock” through it all. Solid, deep and strong. Even in their absence, their catalog has brought me joy over the years.

People look back at the grunge movement and will ask “Nirvana or Pearl Jam?”

I will proudly proclaim “Soundgarden!”. Never fully given the respect as a band they deserve. It doesn’t matter. They have truly been my favorite, just like I value the Kinks as an influence over the Beatles or Stones.

In the end, Soundgarden will always resonate more to me than Chris’ solo work, which is phenomenal, or Audioslave. He was as prolific and gifted as a songwriter and vocalist. He was tortured, but he did not flaunt it. His music is not preachy. But when he teamed with Kim, Matt and Ben, it made magic for the ages.

I am saddened I never got to witness Soundgarden live in person. I witness Soundgarden vicariously through bootlegs and YouTube through to eyes of other fans that have documented the experience.

They were in Kansas City the Sunday before Chris died, but I could not make it. It saddens me. But I will remember, just as I remember Layne, what a beautiful soul Chris was. His art allowed me to find myself in a time I was lost and flailing. I am saddened he could not find his own peace. May God have mercy on his soul.

Prayers are out for his wife, Vicky, and his 3 children. Prayers for Kim, Matt and Ben. I can only imagine what they are experiencing right now. Prayers for all the grieving fans. Chris was just a man. A man with amazing God given talents, flawed like the rest of us. If you are struggling through this, don’t give up. Reach out for help. I have a deep faith in God, He is my center. If that’s not your thing, I understand. I’m not here to preach. But find something to anchor to. Talk to a friend or mentor. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

Life is short and can be very painful, but we are all valuable. We never know how much influence we have in other people’s lives. Don’t discount yourself. The ability to love starts with being able to love oneself. Invest in yourself. Strive to be somebody you would want to be friends with. Then give back...

Loud Love to all,

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