Rushing through the streets of rainy day Manhattan, I struggle to hustle past the dozens of people constantly bumping into me with their luggage, whether it's their child or a bag. I see the coffee shop lights in the distance and let out a mental sigh of relief. Just as I was only a couple feet away from my destination, I immediately fell to the cold and wet floor.

Great way to start my Wednesday morning.

Note the sarcasm. I look down, too humiliated to see who my sudden attacker was. I continue making my way into the coffee shop, before I got stopped. 

"Are you okay? I wasn't looking where I was going, and now I got you soaked.." I didn't hear the rest of his blabbering, because when I gathered the nerve to look up, I swear I didn't feel my racing heartbeat anymore. All the information known about him, came to me all at once.

Known from 15 years ago. The lake.

Well, this is my 13 year old perspective.

It was Science Camp, a once-in-a-lifetime experience, generally hyped for the 8th graders. Tuesday night, around 9pm, we had all come back from a campfire, and quite frankly, nobody was tired. My best friend at the time, suggested we go out to meet the cutest boys in our grade. I was hesitant about the idea, but my thoughts went blank, and suddenly, I just went "Fuck it! Let's go." At the boys' cabin, sitting next to the lake, is where we went. I had a MAJOR crush on Angel Maddox. He was every girl's dream. Hot, athletic, what more could you want? My best friend abandoned me to go with the boys in the cabin, and I was left by myself near the lake. I sat there, awaiting for her to return, when I saw Angel come outside. I stiffened up as soon as he sat down in front of me. 

"What's got you out here Alina?" I remember my hormones being out of turn when he said my name. 

"Not much." Was all I said. 

It was quiet for a while, before he put his hand on my thigh, and slowly slid up. I don't know why exactly I allowed him to, but I did. I felt some sensation, and I was so nervous about what it was. I wasn't educated in that area, as you could tell. 

He took my virginity that night.

 I'm not sure how long I gazed at him for, but it became quiet for a bit. He had the same innocent, and child-like face. One that would make any girl swoon, with his brown doe eyes and voluminous lips, only enhanced by his messily wet bedhead. 

"It's fine." was all I managed to blurt out before I hurried into the shop. I went towards my stool, well, where I usually sat, at least. 

"Wait!!" I heard the same voice, which was actually aggravating me now. I turn around, and silently wait as his heavy pants got louder as he came near.

"I.. I want to apologize, with a drink, on me." 

"It's fine", I say again, now with a strain in my voice.

I make strenuous eye contact with him, and his eyes widened.

"Alina?"

Analise, 

I gave birth to you on June 18th, just when the sun arose and shone light on your beautiful, delicate skin. This summer morning, while I quietly watch you sleep, I dedicate this letter to you.

The world we live in currently is..well, unfair. 9 months ago, when I discovered I was pregnant with you, I cried. I was devastated to find out that at 18, my beginning of adulthood, I had to move onto the biggest milestone already. I'll admit, you were the result of a night I chose to walk home from a party, the result of a mistake I never want you to encounter. I grew to love you though, and when government gave me the chance to abort you, I couldn't bring myself to. I had a gut feeling you were the start of something beautiful. While you have the father of somebody deep in crime, realize there are others similar. You'll be exposed to the reality that violence exists. That, because of opinions and horrible people in the world who won't accept other notions. Their motive is pain, what keeps them going is fear, what they live off of is terror. Despite the chaos in this world, I promise to raise you as a strong and wise girl. To not make the mistakes I have. You will read this when you are older, and when you look up at the news, please remember that wherever I am, I will be there to protect, cherish, and love you, as many others would. Stay strong Analise, this is just the start of our journey.

My mother, has always been a firm believer in fighting for what you want. And when 'Alex', came along, I knew well, he was what I wanted. She'd describe how she left her abusive relationships, how she dropped anything in her life that made her unhappy in the slightest. When I met Alex, he was quiet, mysterious, and he had some vibe about him that made me wonder for more. I immediately was entranced by his smile, his dimples, every simple imperfection about him. While he managed to make his way onto my mind, he also managed to make a disaster in it too. 

Momma has always supported about everything I did. "Seras un ganador en mi corazon." When I lost at the chance to sing in the 3rd grade talent show, I was devastated. However, those words reminded me that indeed, I was a winner in her heart, and not one lost trophy could change this. She wasn't always as strong though. I still recall her tears as she wondered when her history of abuse would end. I guess, she'd always end up recovering, rather wiser and more strong-willed. To others, she was judgmental, rude, bossy. To me though, she was misunderstood, and simply powerful. She held her head high, and was very outspoken. I looked up to her, as she guided the pathway that led to many greater things. In fact, I believed Alex was one of those things. 

When I first talked to Alex, I couldn't stop admiring every small feature about him. The way his eyes squinted if he didn't understand my corny jokes. The way he threw his head back in a genuine laugh. Those were little things I noticed, the things I also wish I didn't. The second time around I liked him was different. It was more intense, as I now knew to expect a challenging person, without a change of heart. Eventually, when I realized I was tired of relying on false hope and sudden mood swings, I gave up. That night, I cried, debating whether to continue longing for his attention or give up. My mom happened to come home early, and when she came to greet me, she noticed my red, puffy eyes, and dropped all responsibility. She talked with me for about an hour, and when she got up to leave, her last words were, "Mija, don't wait for one guy in your life when you're smart enough to know that you deserve better." Fast forward to now, I carry that moment in my heart, and I know that will make it's milestone, as the exact second I knew my worth, knew that I deserved better.

       When we think of a relationship, we're often under the impression that one consists of 2 people, overwhelmed by the feeling of love and adoration. However, a relationship is more than what meets the eye. Most assume that relationships are compromised of  the 3 most common things we hear of today, loyalty, compassion, and trust. Whilst that is true, there are many more factors as to how a relationship works. Frequently though, it's changed by how society views relationships. With the fast-spreading acceptance of homosexuality, polygamy, and other such things, we're now able not to define a relationship exclusively towards heterosexuals and monogamy. Aside from that though, we only see photos and videos of relationships in the media. We also have the habit to supposedly 'see' a couples' future solely based on appearance. In all honesty, videos and photographs taken of one another are no proof of the actual foundation of a relationship. For example, I could take a photo of anyone, caption it however I'd like, and post it for possibly hundreds of people to see, and vice versa. In my opinion, it takes the heart of one actually in love, to be able to not rely on the media to prove affection for another.

           In general, our society today revolves around the idea of love. We have millions of songs dedicated to the concept of seeing their partner as amazing, beautiful, and mostly about any other positive adjective you can say about a person. On the other hand, most poems you'll read are written by the hands of a broken heart, unamended from the pain of having the gift of love. While my point stands that relationships are not like before, there's also the advantage of now being able to connect, and relate with others in similar situations. Whether they're positive or negative experiences, we all feel the same when it comes to love. The commonly used, "Butterflies in my stomach", or the "Touch that ignited sparks". These mainstream terms are what allowed for us to finally stop being so selfish of not only ourselves and our own feelings, but to look up and realize how many others have been through that experience. Falling through the deep and quite often painful pit of love reveals our true selves, our motives, and most importantly, what we desire in life. To have the ability to feel our own heartbeat, to feel such foreign things when it comes to someone's presence, is beautiful, and should be embraced throughout the world.