Catching Time

A child

Sees colors, hope, possibilities

Nothing impossible

Ideas born

To help change the world

Has been travelling

travelling urgent messages

The recipient adult self

The medium time

The message life

Peer pressure, peer pleasure, pure pressure,

Somehow lost the message by the way

Peer skin deep, care giver for self

stifling, choking, but growing by the day

Growing weaker, growing lost

Then in a second passing too slowly

remembered the message clearly

Don’t lose sight of all the things

wrong in the world

when in your innocence you promised to fix

Don’t forget what really makes happiness

Otherwise will be lost forever

But you forgot

Now

The child in you is struggling to rescue your aging shadow

Caught in the rituals of life

Life the message, the medium time

Time has run out

It flew by on black and white wings

Unnoticed…

but the aching aging soul would be redeemed

if that child was still courageous enough to let go

and attain the unattainable of a lifetime.

© Karlane McFarlane 18/07/2018

My poetry is the poetry of the life that I know

That I know like the wise one who knows that he knows

                            dnt

My poetry doesnt ^ care for organisation

My poetry doesnt care for punctuation

It doesnt care for comma full stop question sign

Nor is it limited to consistent excessive rhyme

This is the poetry of life as it flows

Let it flow like the stream let it flow, let it flow

My poetry is grammatically incorrect without apology

My poetry has defied all aspects of chronology

It doesnt care for what happened first or last

Nor is its reference limited to future or past

This is the poetry of life as it grows

Let it grow like the trees let it grow,let it grow

My poetry doesnt ignore literary pedagogy

My poetry doesnt care for your typo graphy

It doesnt care about spilling over on countless pages

Nor is it limited to stanzas meters iambic stages

This is the poetry of life as it blows

Let it blow like the wind let it blow, let it blow

My poetry isnt irony metaphor alliteration

My poetry cannot be reduced to formal explanation

It doesnt care for misguided biographical criticism

Nor should it appease the reader’s skepticism

This is the poetry of life as it glows

Let it glow like the moon let it glow, let it glow

My poetry has no begining

My poetry has no end

But it creates life and destroys at the stroke of this pen.

 © Karlane McFarlane July 18, 2017

Talk to me

For when you talk

You bare your soul one word at a time

Your words are true and pure,

Never pretentious

Your words are small,

Never fussy,

Nor decorated with elaborate, artificial emptiness

Yet in their simplicity they managed to mold,

Managed to paint a picture worth looking at

This journey down unknown corridors of life simplified

By the way you talk.

Sing to me

For when you sing

You bare your soul one note at a time

Your voice of glass-breaking mixed keys

Not quite soprano or alto, Not quite tenor or bass

Yet your sound is in perfect harmony with life

With each note you play the music of love

You are singing your heartsong

Your song is simple, Your motive is clear,

You always sing the songs I long to hear

This journey down unknown corridors of life simplified

By the way you sing.

Laugh with me

For when you laugh

You bare your soul one joke at a time

Every chuckle, ever grin irresistibly contagious

Never have I heard a laugh more hilarious

The sight of you completely out of control in a fit of laughter

Rolling on the floor, gasping for air

Buckling over or falling off a chair

Makes the best medicine for years upon years

So Laugh that soul stirring, feet stomping laugh

This journey down unknown corridors of life simplified

By the way you laugh.

©K.McFarlane July 17, 2017

You are…

You are the sun, you are your energy and brightness

You are a burning flame

You are the wind, for seasons ceaseless

You are the autumn rain

You are that voice I hear in my wilderness

Still calling out my name

Your roar awakens my lioness

Your strength erases my pain

What you are to me is all to me

The world, you mean the world to me

You are your heart so filled with kindness

Your love remains the same

Like the mountains,tall, strong and ageless

Your beauty remains unchanged

You are your smile so warm and priceless

That smile you freely give

You are your arms outstretched in earnest

In your arms I long to live

What you are to me is all to me

The world, you mean the world to me

You are a light in times of darkness

A light that guides me home

Without you this life would be pointless

Yes, I’d rather be alone

©K.McFarlane July 13, 2017

Shattering

Then will I sit still beneath you,

below you

waiting for you to strike me down

Then will I watch my life fall

and break into smithereens

while you carefully tip toe around the sharp edges

trying not to cut your feet on me.

You shattered me and watched me crazy clue myself together

You laughed, grinned even

for you couldn’t wait to throw me down again.

© K McFarlane 2017

There is a window

Through which I see

Many other windows

    Of Possibilities 

          And

       I wonder 

      If someone 

      looks back 

         I think 

There is so much to see

There is so much to feel

There is so much to be

What do I see?

Glimpses of a future

So close but oh so far

A past hope, unravelling

Somewhere beyond the stars

Like stars

In time my dreams a’travellin

What can I feel?

A whirlwind of emotions

Emotions -buried -unearthing

Uprooting childhood memories

Bookmarked upon uneven skin

This skin

book of untold stories

being written

Still

What will I be?

Unanswered though I ask

Determined to overcome

Break Barriers ! End cycles!

 Unshakeable woman of freedom

My freedom

Unfairly withheld and forcibly won

This window reveals no secrets

This window hides no truths

It merely reflects an epiphany

That what I choose to feel

What I choose to see 

I’ll be…………

Karlane McFarlane 

01.10.2019

© Karlane McFarlane 07.07.2017

Most persons aim to have someone.

Even if the person isn't exactly who they want.

But I seriously wonder...

Why bother? Why lead them on?

Are you that desperate to fill that empty void?

To avoid the loneliness?

To not be alone?

Even if it means using another? Stringing them along for your own benefit?

Or atleast under the guise of mutal benefits?

Don't you think that's somewhat...cruel?

No? You prefer to know you have someone to call yours?

Even if you aren't truly theirs in your mind?

Even when you know, you fear commitment?

Wow, the human race....

Why do we fear being alone with ourselves?

To spend time in solitude to understand and enjoy our own company?

Do you truly know yourself?

Or do you only accept who you are through the eyes of ours?

Awaiting their approvals....

Entering relationships to be defined by the affiliation?

As humans, we thrive in the interaction and company of others.

"We are social being."

But when is platonic relationships no longer enough?

When does one cross the line due to the need for intimacy, even if just at the companionship level?

When does one feel the need to be compassionate and reach out to another to comfort and be comforted?

Why do we as humans need it? Why do they as humans need it...

Is there a reason unrequited affections feel as strong as the mutal affection for some but not for others?

The yearning after another, who doesn't notice you or think of you beyond a platonic relation? #ForeverFriendzoned

Does persevering work?

Do you give up? Do you give up and move on?

But then, when you finally move on they notice you and want to move you up a few ranks?

Does one dowse the new flame and rekindle the old, as way to fulfill old desires?

Are there still sparks though?

Enough to start a 'new' fire from old wood?

Or do you add more wood to the new to keep it ablaze and even higher to engulf the small older remains, til nothing but the new, burns bright?

Is it cruel to just out a fire prematurely instead?

Just to rekindle a fire that is unstable and may never re-light?

Maybe even ruining an amazing fire for another than may be duller in comparison or outshine it, but risk it anyway?

Maybe even ruining the wood from the current fire for awhile, causing it to shiver in despair as you work to re-light the other?

Or maybe, it is more understandable to think of the old flame as 'first' and should be prioritized?

Is it from selfish desires to ensure a fire could burn using that wood, and it wasn't just empty desires? Just to be fulfilled and know you had no regrets?

Or would it be cruel to simple tell the person "You're too late, I've moved on"?

But...

What do you do when they are persistent?

What do you do when the old flame catches the leaves of mutual friendships?

How does one extinguish such a blaze?

But is it truly fair of the old flame and the leaves to even be pushing so hard to rekindle a fire they refused to let ablaze or even notice when it was onesided and smothered by another so close?

Hmmm, so much conflicts in the human world.

Sigh. It's sad really.

How does one fix your relations to how you desire without the manipulation of another and/ hurting them also?

Do we really want either of these fires to even be burning, but in fear of going cold and alone attempt to maintain atleast one?

Thought of any? Tell me. 

Originally written in Mar2015

Edited in Jun2017

You stare into the mirror,

'I look cute today', you deduce with a bright smile

'Yea, like a chubby lil adorable piggy', you smile back sardonically

'Not today'

'No everyday'

You walk away feeling pained

You skip breakfast because you lost your appetite.

Or so you tell yourself.

Around one past midday, 

You feel the beginning of a headache,

A telltale sign, hunger.

'I should get something, even though I don't fell hungry'

You get up.

'You don't deserve food'

You sit down.

'Even if you don't, your body needs something'

You buy an apple and a water.

You eat and feel content.

Your friends look at you weirdly,

You shrug.

'It's filling', you smile.

Your brain has convinced your body but your friends aren't.

You spend the rest of the day in classes,

Listening, writing learning

Ignoring.

You get home,

You avoid the kitchen.

Shower and head to bed.

This is your routine, with the daily mix of a sugarless cup of brewed coffee or green tea for lunch.

Or intermittently eat dinner to not be too suspicious,

After which hating yourself for having so much.

Or a fruit salad and sugarless tea to stay up and study.

You eventually break this cycle and start eating at least twice per day.

You silence the voice of argue.

You break this habit after months of consolation.

One evening after a long day on the road, you feel for a treat.

You get a scoop of coconut ice-cream and mixed nuts.

You walk past a relative, cup in hand.

"I knew you couldn't stay away for too long", they smile as you burrow your eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean by that."

"You had to have something when you got in. I knew you would."

You, stare as you understand what is being implied.

Gluttony.

You try again.

"What are you implying?"

Their eyes slowly scan your body from head to toe, then shrug.

"Well. You know what I mean."

You stare into their condescending smile.

You glance down into your cup, appetite gone and a feeling of distaste envelopes you.

The voice whispers after a long spell of silence.

'She thinks you eat too much and you're fat.'

You stare at the cup, returned to the kitchen and place it in the freezer.

You past the same relative, again.

"Where's your snack? You finished already?"

"No its in the kitchen"

You hear the thoughts of old habits circulate around you like a chorus.

You hate it, yet welcome it.

You recall your days of consolation.

'You deserve to have what you want. You are not harming yourself or others'

'Not yet'

You struggle as you return to the kitchen, determined to have your treat.

'Just this once'

'No'

'Yes'

You take the first teaspoon full, hands shaking in resistance.

You place it in your mouth, tempted to spit it out.

Your jaw goes slack in rebellion.

You force yourself to swallow as your favourite ice-cream tastes like nothing.

You feel ashamed of your BD,

You have the rest to feel stronger, in control.

Deserving.

You grimace at the cup,

Washing it quickly as if to get the evidence away from your sight.

You feel ashamed to eat the known fatty food, though you know the brand was low in sugar if not sugarless.

But it was still ic-cream, a product known to fatten.

A product with which you share a dysfunctional relationship,

much like its dairy counterparts.

You force yourself to accept it.

You know you should.

But not tonight,

Not when that unexpected conversation kept playing in your head,

as well as the knowing look you got.

The same you get, feel or see others give you or anyone like you.

Thought you knew it was the opposite.

Your size defines you to others, as well as your prescribed behaviours.

They assume and past judgement.

They comment without a care,

You build a thick wall but a small crack still brings acute pain,

a crack that can enlarge. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorders affect a large spectrum of individuals,

the ones that seem OK, are usually the ones that aren't.

Be careful of what you say to others.

You may never know what they are fighting against.

The waiting game.

We all dislike it,

yet accept as a part of life.

"Patience is a virtue"

But is it really?

It demonstrates self-control.

Portrays a calm, stable reliable character.

But is everything worth waiting for?

Cold steel vice-gripped.

Unshed tears,

distorted vision.

Aerial view of your sleeping form.

Closed door.

A whisper.

"I,"

"forgive you."