Closed minds

vacant of eye

conflicts, words

pettiness.

People only go as far

as their hearts have worth.

Pause. I could pause the laughter on my little sister's face, capturing the memory. I could pause a time where I want to scream at someone, knowing it wouldn't do any good, so I can get it out of my system without hurting them. I could pause a time when a friend says something that requires an amazing comeback, and have a flawless one within "seconds". I could pause a time when I can't get to sleep until four in the morning and sleep for hours, then unpause it so I can get enough sleep. There are just so many possibilities with a pause button.

For awhile

I hated God

For the things he denied me

Nothing is worse then the silent treatment

When you are on your hands and knees

Begging

It seemed cruel

How he strung me along

With hope

Like a carrot on a string

Even after I knew better

And for a moment I had abandoned all ideas of my dreams coming true

Then I asked him

Quite simply

Why?

And finally

He replied

A simple answer

Because

You are meant to adopt him

A picture fluttering through my mind

I disregarded his answer

Ignoring it

My husband had never been one for the adoption route

So I moved on

But now

A year later

News of a possible adoption

Unplanned

Out of the blue

A perfect opportunity

And I swear

I can see gods cocky smile

And a voice like

See I told you.

Sometimes with ferocity,

Burning my tongue in too much a hurry.

Others with finesse

Letting the hot, bitter wet caress my throat.

Or with intent and with ice

With too much sugar and avarice

When the work demands my swift advance

And there’s not time for enjoyment.

But if I’ve got time

Black is how I take it.

When you're tired and your stomach feels empty,

And you can't keep your head up anymore,

When you're unsure and unstable and lost,

And no map has directions to salvation,

When you're hurt and no syringes will heal you,

When gauze just covers symptoms and blood,

When you're filled with a nothing that pulls you in,

When you lose what you love and you hate that you ever did.

His words were like fingers plunging through my chest. Grabbing hold of my still beating heart.

Instantly stealing my breath. Grasping

crushing

ripping

then pulling

you freed me of its rhythm so easily.

It still beating in your hand, momentarily hoping you will place it back where it belongs.

But instead you drop it onto the floor.

stomping on it until it beat no more.

Then with a cocky grin you walk away as I lie dying on the floor in a pool of tears.

Unable to breath.

And with a heart which no longer beats.

That is heartache to me.

dull

even after months of smooth skin you can trace the line from my hip bone to my breast where you slipped in and cut the red wire

it's like when you're both pulling so hard but the other person lets go and next thing you know your back is against the wall and there's blood on your hand

I'm not accusing you of tearing out my heart because I gave it to you but it was your scissors that left it in pieces too small to see and it doesn't hurt the way it did anymore

I have screamed in the night due to the agony you put me through but this

this is heartache

every time I hear your name I remember a bit of your face and did you know that the necklace he gave me is the exact color of your eyes? even through another I can't escape your gaze

pain has never been so unobtrusive

sometimes I forget it hurts did you know there are people who live their day to day without this

this isn't something you get over it's something you get through