A quote
“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done? What if I'd actually wanted to fuck every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”
Cheryl Strayed
I count to ten, and take a step forward.
I count to nine, and I draw my sword.
I count to eight, and find my blood.
I count to seven, and the room begins to flood.
I count to six, and I try to speak.
I count to five, and my knees become weak.
I count to four, and I feel the pain lifting.
I count to three, and realize I’m drifting.
I count to two, and I know that I’m gone.
I count to one.. and I finally move on.
Sweet, Sweet Life
Sweet, sweet life.
Hold me no mercy.
Hold me down.
Hold me where it hurts.
I once believed in better days.
Back when the end was only happy.
Freedom came, and freedom left.
And sometimes.. I still feel it there.
Dancing in the places that no one sees.
In the streets. In the sheets. In the shadows.
Reminding me that it isnt over.
And that I am still her.
That I am still that girl I once was.
Laughing like I have never laughed.
Looking for a way to set myself free.
Yes, I am still that girl I once was.
Falling from each height I can find.
From each hight that finds me.
Teaching me how to dance in my darkest hour.
To such an extent that cannot be forced.
That could never be forced.
Almost as though I were born for this.
Almost as though I were born to come undone.
To fall apart.
To feel it all.
To revel in what it feels like to live.
To somehow survive.
To somehow still be here.
To somehow still know.
The tragedy. The Beauty. The bitter.
Of sweet, sweet life.
A Masterpiece of.
It's the color of sadness.
It's the color of despair and isolation.
The feeing you get when your loved one's hug is too short or that longing when you sit in an empty bed.
It's the color that surrounds you and follows like a cloud, waiting for rain.
It never pours. It won't take it that far.
It only wants company, just like you.
It's rain that falls from no where; and drowns you in possibilities or what could or may never be.
When you call for an echo and receive silence...waiting for an answer you will never get.
It's the color you drink at two in the morning, just after the bars close.
When you are expecting company, who cancels at the last minute or as simple as smelling a flower when you're sick.
Where the expectations meet the limitations.
It's the color of sadness.
If tears were painted...
You could create a masterpiece of Blue.
Supposition
Such sweet supposition. My elegant uprise has sparked. Firing, and falling at will. All beginning within this. Within me, and my every last delinquent thought. Embedded, and engraved with my cosmically structured chaos. All that recklessly bound perfection. I've never felt my own life more. So, I keep onward through the pain. Through the miscalculation. Through the chemical imbalanced curse. I swerve through them all. One right after the next, all while regretting each investment that I make in their favor. Too much given. Too much taken. Too much lost. All in the name of nothing. I have to divide my devastation from my own compassion. Trusting that it won't always be this way. That someday I'll reach my own limitation. That i will find it's loophole, and push my way through it's boundries. With flying colors, and an impeccable acceptance that I'll invent all on my own. It just has to be enough. Enough to keep me. To keep me going. To keep me gone. To keep me ready for that ending that I inevitably await. Because I knew better. I knew the fiction of infinity. I knew that nothing gold could ever last. and that's alright. That's okay just as long as my life catches fire. Just as long as my death takes me home. I have to forgive. I have to forgive. I have to forgive them for their faults. I have to forgive myself for my sins. I have to breathe now. This life within me. It must live.. Cause no matter what, I need them to know. I need him to know. Above all, I need to know. So for now, I'll let it be enough. For now, I'll rest easy. I won't forget even a single second. I will enjoy it. I will revel in it. I will feel it all. Every last inch. Because this is all that's left. This is all that I have..
And I will make sure it is as divine as my fate will allow.
