my first Christmas with you

the big hopes and things I wanted to do with you…

the matching pjs the cuddles the cookies the excitement of giving you the gift I picked out back in October for you…

the screaming the yelling

the tears running down my face as each ornament fell from the tree

our tree…

the one we picked out together

for Christmas

our first Christmas

our last Christmas…

godspeed

goosebumps

glyphs and immortal sighs

everlasting goodbyes

...

.

Got stuck in a rut

Trying to be some form of perfect.

Couldn’t stick to that schedule

Couldn’t keep to those plans.

It became a prison;

Stuck in a cell, the walls erected by my own hands.

It took a blast into the past

A memory; well, a few.

No more cells; spontaneity can’t be caged

No more stringency; free spirits shouldn’t be tied up.

We have a Proser with a birthday today. April 1, 2003 (his time), the world didn’t know it then, but the world became a little bit of a better place to be.

In 2003, a gallon of milk was $2.95. College tuition: $14,500. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini was the most popular novel. Top movies: Finding Nemo, Lost in Translation, Pirates of the Caribbean. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl, and oddly enough, 18 years later, they did it again. Also born on this day: Storm Reid – Greta Thunberg but along with these, came another living, breathing soul that I feel is destined to change the world—one written word, one spoken thought at a time.

The title is a bit misleading as I have come to think of him over the last several months as a young adult, not a boy.

If there were ever one such as he to have the biggest heart, the most honest and open way of expressing himself, his views, how he explains himself when he comments on someone else’s posts—well, I just don’t see too many purer souls other than Chacko_Stephen.

I have never told him this, but I have considered Chacko to be the son I never had, and one of the truly best friends I have come to love for him being who he is. No pretense. Just an honest and sincere guy you can’t help but like.

So please join me in wishing CS a Happy 18th Birthday!

(All virtual gifts for Chacko can be left in your comments to him.)

CS: This is for you -- https://voicespice.com/Player.aspx?c=p&h=F266B35C&j=25479E

Party Time -- https://youtu.be/JTVufaGeXms

A Little Something Extra: https://youtu.be/PGcu2XTusC4 and https://youtu.be/j5hVj1pfrE4

It's my month

my month

to have it all

No judgement, now

we'll drink

till we fall!

The radio plays

a ditty

a tune

Then the ads, now

they come

all opportune

"Get your Irish creme at Dunkin!"

"It's St. Patrick's finest dream!"

"The sweet vanilla flavor!"

"With hints of Irish creme!"

You're mad

you're daft

'Da fuck you on

you cad

you hack

Ain't it at all!

Not 'Irish'

creme

You moronic git

It's WHISKEY

spirits!

What is this bit...

"Get your Irish creme at Dunkin!"

"It's St. Patrick's finest dream!"

"The sweet vanilla flavor!"

"With hints of Irish creme!"

I sit

I slave

Day after day

love me

coffee

But not this way

No creme!

No ice!

Just black abyss!

My Irish

needs are

Stronger than this!

"Get your Irish creme at Dunkin!"

"It's St. Patrick's finest dream!"

"The sweet vanilla flavor!"

"With hints of Irish creme!"

Everything is not what it seems.

In my world mixed signals are the norm.

They roll in waves,

a fog,

thick with the scent of subterfuge.

Up is down, yes is no, green does not mean go.

Words dipped in sugar contradict bitter energy,

served on a platter, pretty little pastries best left untouched.

I try to hide from the knowing,

but it’s always there to be read as easily as a book.

Even after all these years of being right,

I still doubt my ability,

because everything is not what it seems.

Pretty little pictures on a screen,

rotting from the inside,

Salvador Dali was a prophet.

What I’m trying to say is,

even if I don’t let on,

I know.

I know what you’re really feeling.

I don’t always understand the message,

let's be fair, neither do you.

Not everyone speaks their feelings in a known language,

but energy is universal.

So please remember,

I may pretend I don’t know,

but I do.

Everything is not as it seems.

What is love?

Is it safety?

Chemistry?

A burning need to touch,

taste,

crawl

inside

and bask in the glow of hormones?

Remembering your favorite food?

Someone to care for you when you’re feeling ill?

Give you the last cupcake?

Protect you from a cruel world?

Tuck you in and hold you close?

Caress the small of your back and hold your hand in the dark as you slip on the icy walkway? If you go down, you go down together.

Is that love?

Does it last,

or evolve,

into something less frantic and more comfortable?

A favorite pair of Jeans molded to your curves,

stretched just enough in all the right places.

Is it a cosmic connection?

Astral projection...

of souls?

Do we delude ourselves into thinking we’ve found it because it’s a feeling wholly unidentifiable,

myth or holy grail?

Who among us can be certain?

Show yourself.

Hospitals are a place of death,

pawns for the sacrifice.

Doctors are drug dealers,

knights jumping pieces.

Minimum wage job won’t pay the bills,

bishop deployed.

Buy the next big toy,

keep up with the Joneses,

rook takes bishop.

Your life for an education,

paid off by retirement,

Queen exposed.

Drowning in debt,

paste a smile on your face.

Checkmate.

Don’t worry,

there’s a pill for that.

King down.

And finally it's stopped -

The beat

The pulse

The hum

No matter how hard you bleed you know you will succumb

To the finality of death -

Of love

Of hope

Of dreams

You stitch it back together but all you get are empty seams

Even without the will -

You count

You breathe

You press

There's no DNR on file so they'll pump you nonetheless

Until regardless of feelings -

It stalls

It beeps

It starts

No matter how much damage there's no replacing broken hearts

Stop making me write poems.

I mean it

Pretty please

I’ve written so many already I’m down here on my knees.

Stop making me write poems.

I hate them

I really do

Yet whenever you’re around all these words spill out for you.

Stop making me write poems.

Act rudely

Be a jerk

I’m wasting all my hours trying to make this rhyme scheme work.

Stop making me write poems.

You won’t read

Or ever see

My feelings look so lame in print the only one who’ll see is me.

Stop making me write poems.

It’s a waste

Since anyway

You already know I love you and I’ve got nothing left to say.