If your words were meant to hurt me,

they never succeeded.

They only made me stronger.

I am a brick wall,

that no man may enter.

(Both fortunately and unfortunately).

That wall protects my heart and mind;

and my children.

The arrows you flung are nothing and pointless.

They coast through the air and fall on the lawn outside of the castle wall.

If you make amends,

maybe I will meet you outside the fortress; for peace’s sake,

before the long night falls.

But it will only be for a short time,

for the safety of my queendom.

Not like the swords of words could ever penetrate this armor.

(Just like the soft touch of love).

Here we are safe,

inside the castle walls.

And that bears its own beauty,

as I have toiled, and laid each brick

with my own bare hands.

If you were to peek within,

you would find beautiful flowers

blooming in the courtyards.

I am tired.

Life tired.

I’m a little blue

Not like the Picasso “Blue” .

Just a gray day

In an otherwise sunny place.

Or a regular day

For a cloudy person

In a sunny place.

Maybe it’s not about fixing

Maybe it’s about accepting

Seeing the flaws and brokenness

As one admires art.

See it as soul, as character.

Or at least evoking feeling in the observer.

So anxiety ran through me

Panic what’s happened

Lay down to take breaths, 4-1-5

What’s this underneath

Why did they all say goodbye?

I hit them up

The One is gone

Laid down to rest

Only two left

What did I do that you left?

I never mistreated you

I guess that’s at least

What I understood

Always people pleasing

Always trying to be good

You are good enough he said

Get out of your head

Your anxiety is really

What made it end

I know your intention

Was always to be good

Whether you believe it or not

I always understood

I guess being overwhelmed

Got the better of me

Two kids, jobs working three

I thought you could do more

It was never enough

Seems to me now

Like you did feel my love

I asked number two,

What did I do to you?

What made your heart

Flip a switch?

Cause I can’t ask Ian now

His soul is in heaven

The body a ditch

He says it sounds cliche

But it’s me not you

I need to get me together

After all I’ve been through

He said you give too much

Then it feels imbalanced

Cause you don’t get it back

And my heart cracked open

The light poured in just a crack

And I understood

You need to feel you’ve got it together

You need to feel you’re safe

That your world won’t crumble

If it doesn’t work

I finally get it now

From fear to tears

I broke down

Tears poured out

So much love

It was never me or you

That was not good enough

This lack of ability to make change

Is causing depression

Even my purpose for being in question

Did I make too many mistakes

Did I fail?

Because living this way is like

Living in jail

Trapped in a cycle of poverty

Working day and night

Not getting sleep

Still I struggle to pay

for things that we need

No one to hold me

At the end of the night

Love slips through my grasps

Sweaty palms from the fright

Slipping off the edge of a building

It‘s not building it’s sinking

My feeling of hope

Hanging off the edge

of a dangling rope

Sadness sinking deeper

Difficult to cope

Dark bags under eyes

No sleep

I do not feel

I do not weep

My muscles weak

I had the strength years past to fight

Fought hard and won

Now nothing to show

for a college education

Not enough money to go on vacation

Two kids supporting alone

No one to call on the phone

While the evil one sits

on his big red throne

Feeling no hope

of making life better

Droopy old worn out thrift store sweater

In the mail another collections letter

Typing on the computer all day

In a dark cloud, a fog, a daze

No sun, no fun and no loved one

Hip hop hurray

Life has just begun

I left because I thought

He was in love with someone else

I left quietly

Took a plane back East

We didn’t talk abat it

Because I could not handle

Him saying “I no longer love you”

On the calendar marked

“Change of heart”

A psychic predicted

Did it manifest?

Or was it her that came between?

Did you like her best?

Was she better than me?

He was my One true love

We felt the warmth of each other’s love

In our hearts,

like waves of the Arizona summer

Twin souls we could communicate

Telepathy from far away

And mail a note answering my question

We traveled and camped

Mountain biked and fasted in the mountains

One night I meditated in the dessert

Activating my Merkabah

After preparation, final initiating

Steps to activating breathing love

Mid the activation breath

I hear a sound

In the silence of the desert

I suddenly heard two boots

crunching on the desert rocks

It was midnight, I was house sitting alone

What was it that had come?

It was the same sound,

I heard at home alone when I was young

But no person was visible, no one was there

Was it two ghosts or off-world beings?

Were they observing or trying to change the fabric of my being?

The fear I felt at unknown guests

The sound of someone in the dark silent

Midnight meditation in the desert

Lasted well beyond the night

Shaking I stopped scared

Scared to death I ran inside

Anxiety it triggered

I’d soon to find lasted

nearly my whole life

In the Arizona West

It trickled into all I did

Work, identity, relationships

Once the fear was activated

No longer coming purely from my heart

Fear had trickled in

Fear of losing you, of losing everything

And so I did.

I manifested.

Not from love but fear.

I lost you, my job, my home

I lost everything that year.

And since found myself alone

A deep dark cloud consumed my mind

And soul turned into mush,

a haze settled over me

As living in a bog

I could not think clearly

My brain was filled with fog

Back East I became truly lost

No one could glue me back together

With modern medicine

And so you helped me find a psychic

A legit medical intuitive

He saved my life with his prescribed

Exercise and dietary changes

Years of therapy and meds took

To heal what from the root core

That night was shook

And 20 years it took to have a a conversation

Long last over due

Why did they all stop loving me?

Tell me why did you?

He said he never stopped loving me

He had not loved anyone in 20 years since

He said he never stopped

But inside I was not convinced

I saw him hanging with another

Was she your friend or your lover?

Was I not good enough?

He said he never cheated

It was me he truly loved

And so 20 years we still had

Felt so much for each other

He planned to come from South Carolina

Out West to visit me that summer

We talking about how he’d love Ojai

He meditated day and night(on love)

The holistic vibe and yoga

A Bodhisattva from above

He lived with joy, and love and humor

He passed suddenly that summer

I know I could search all the world

And never find such a beautiful soul

He meditated on “love for all of life”

I could search the Earth both far and wide

Tirelessly all day and night

For never another so loving and joyful

Anywhere in the World

I would ever find

Love you forever. In memory of Ian

You will always be the One ❤️

-Chachi

Once upon a time,

Remembering The One

Love radiated from him

Warmth and light

Like from the sun

Mailed a little note

To answer inner questions

Felt it in her spirit

Undeniable connection

They parted with her broken hearted

She thought their love was lost

Twenty years later he still loved her

She didn’t know till he was gone

Is love only meant for other people and not for meant me? Why do I try so hard, to witness my defeat?

The magic, the mystery

I thought that I knew

So convinced it was the heart

that spoke the truth

Waited patiently for years

Comforted his fears

Encouraged all his dreams

Silenced all his screams

Her loving words a warm blanket

To comfort on cold nights

He’d rather freeze than take it

For years sat patient by his side

At dawn she woke to realize

He was not there by her side

Never asked how she was doing

Never offered her a ride

Rarely lended her a hand

Irritated when she asked

for a short walk on the sand

Once upon a time,

Remembering The One

Love radiated from him

Warmth and light

Like from the sun

Mailed a little note

To answer inner questions

Felt it in her spirit

Undeniable connection

They parted with her broken hearted

She thought their love was lost

Twenty years later he still loved her

She didn’t know till he was gone

It doesn’t make any sense

Why we’re so convinced

that love is real

What do we go by

if not how we feel?

I don’t know if I’ll know now

If love comes again

Because it all washed away

like a heart in the sand

It was a shit job. Quite literally. I was a 16 year old girl, and did have “farm experience“ as I said. I failed to mention that my dad had a small fruit tree farm, not the kind with horses and barn animals. I thought “yard work” and “spending time with horses” sounded like a nice summer job. Who cares if I have to wake up early! It was $20/hour cash, and to a 16 year old that was pretty good money.

I came wearing gardening gloves and jeans, and happily met with my best friend’s mom who gave me the job at 5:30 in the morning. I would be taking care of their race horses. She handed me a shovel and a wheelbarrow, and we started walking to the fields. I wonder what this is for, I thought. I must be pulling weeds. “I’m kind of behind. I keep meaning to get to this, and can’t by the time the day is done. I’m so grateful for your help. Anyway, you’ll see.”

“Don’t be intimidated” she added. “They can be intimidating.”

As I entered the horses‘ fenced in pasture they cautiously walked towards me. I held still and calm to show I could be trusted. They grew bigger as they got closer. Before I knew it I was face to chest with a mammoth horse! He was so tall my head came to the bottom of his chest (I’m not exaggerating). I had been around horses before, and this was no horse! This was some genetically altered mutant horse. What were they feeding this thing?? I didn’t know they even came in this size. I said “Hey, it’s ok buddy”, in my most soothing voice, to relax him and make him feel comfortable with me. He kicked over the wheelbarrow hard and knocked it over. I gulped. Glad that wasn’t my head.

More than a little intimidated (okay, mildly shaking), I cautiously slipped by the side of the wheelbarrow and dragged it towards me and away from said monster horse. I set it upright and looked ahead of me, down the field a bit. I understood the mission now. “Shit duty”. Bummer. “Well, I’m here now,” I thought and wheeled the battered barrow over to the big open shed. It had three walls, and a forth open, and I realized it served as a giant outdoor porta-potty for the three massive horses that looked like they just stepped off set from a photo op with Muscle magazine. The smell hit me hard like Dorthy’s house falling from the sky. How long has it been since this was cleaned? I held my nose for a second’s relief. The shit was a foot deep, and had both a soft warm and stinky layer and hardened hard to shovel layer. I looked at my sneakers and said good bye. You two have served me well, but I know there will be no coming back from this one.

Two hours later, in 90 degrees and 100 percent humidity, I leaned onto my standing shovel exhausted and looked at my progress. I made a dent in it. There was no way I could finish shoveling out all of the manure by end of shift. I was only due to be there a couple of hours. Sore from shoveling and dehydrated, sweating like a fat rich man with a cigar in a sauna, I called it a day. “$40. Wow.” Forty dollars suddenly didn’t seem like that much money. I stuck it out for the summer, but it really was the shittiest job I have ever had.