this year i hope to fall in love with the one thing i hate most; living.

i hope i no longer curse the heavens for hearing the birds chirp -the glow of Helios touching my eyelids.

i hope the sound of my own voice as it sings songs of great sorrow no longer makes me pray for my defeat

i can hope all i want but what great measures it would take to achieve.

Before I'd lay in bed,

Sad and alone at night.

Staring at the ceiling,

Tears making their marks upon my face.

Thoughts scaring my mind,

As if they were the knives cutting my skin.

I'd think of my untold sorrow filled life.

Darkness was my friend,

My only friend.

I lay in bed,

Feel your warmth spreading through my body as you lay next to me.

In your arms,

All thoughts are pure and well.

Dry cheeks,

Crinkled eyes.

No more fear,

As you chased away the dark friend.

You gave new meaning to my scars,

Scars of survival.

I no longer stare at the ceiling,

Instead into your gaze.

Getting lost,

In the safe feeling you bring.

I turn over in my bed,

I look at you.

I think to myself,

Everything has changed.

Oh. What to watch?

What to do?

What's he watching,

It must be interesting.

I'm curious..

And curiosity kills.

Just stay here,

and watch cartoons.

But I want to know.

Not yet it's too soon.

No... it's too late.

I'm trapped.

With no escape.

Hey, don't go there!

Come back here.

Come draw near.

That can't compare!

Later you'll forget it,

No... later you'll regret it.

Leave it you don't need it,

Although you see it,

you can't keep it.

It's too much to handle,

and you never knew it.

Until the seed was watered

and time grew it.

- Enigma

I don’t understand.

Why do I feel this way?

The world used to seem grande.

But now I always feel,

Like I’m sinking in quicksand.

I used to think everything was real.

Within the past months,

Everything has been revealed.

I’ve realized that

The world actually conceals.

Everything is ideal,

At first.

I used to be super happy.

But now I’m cursed.

Everything revealed,

Is the absolute worst.

I want happiness so desperately,

It’s a thirst.

My sadness is too strong,

I’m a cloudburst.

I crave the days

Where everything was wrong.

The world was fake,

But at least my heart didn’t ache.

I’m restless, wide awake.

Take me back to bed,

I’m done with this heartbreak.

Seven months ago,

Everything was in colour.

The world,

would sometimes even glow.

Seeds of joy would constantly grow.

Woah,

But then I let go,

And now I’m kind of a hoe.

Back in May,

I was so innocent.

My flashbacks of purity,

Are constantly on replay.

Positivity was all I’d weigh.

Back then I was a good girl,

I would even pray.

i would compare everything to a bouquet,

Everything was so beautiful in my eyes.

I’m nostalgic for those days..

Now I party and I even smoke.

I would never have considered that before.

”Yeah I want some weed.”

Would only be considered a joke.

Now I sometimes hurt myself.

I choke.

Back then I coped,

Because I actually spoke.

I’m so broken now.

I’m so numb.

I just want someone to rub my palm,

With their thumb.

And to remind me that my negative thoughts,

Are just dumb.

I want to overcome,

My numbness.

Someone hand me a compass,

That guides me to prosperity

Instead of this ruckus.

i relish in how we met

-the psychosis in us both-

i glance over hoping not to get caught

your smug remarks bring great comfort to my dazed reality

i know this isn’t forever

-this distracted and meaningless world i’m living in-

but just for a moment, it seems worth it.

my doubts and wrongs are banished yet accepted

the sound of your voice comforting my every turn

confiding in me

spinning circles around my wrongs

kissing each one with acceptance and understanding.

and with each kiss of confidence

the reality hits me

all will be well if you let it

so i lean into your arms and let all my worries fly away

i’m spinning circles ’round with you,

confiding in you

I can't keep reiterating the same thing,

Over and over and over again.

Don't ever take things for granted,

Just because I'm still in this world.

My heart can only thump for so long,

And while it still supports my body,

I'm doing my absolute best,

To preserve a blissful future for you.

So stop spending the money so recklessly,

On foolish and unnecessary stuff.

You've already got a luxurious life,

That can rival even Kylie Jenner's.

It's fine if you don't appreciate my help,

But I'll keep earning the bucks for your sake,

Though when times become a little tough,

Your spending spree will have to be restrained.

Even though you've stepped into your twenties,

Maturity is a path you still have yet to traverse.

I forgive that and your hate for me but please,

Please stop cursing me to death all the time.

At first I didn't mind your spiteful words,

But the loathing in your eyes is unmistakable.

My heart begins to hurt with every beat,

And I hold in my tears every time we interact.

It might take years, decades or maybe never,

Before you come to understand my love,

Treat me fondly as the big reliable sister,

Remember my suffering and sacrifice for you.

I can only hope you'll forget your unkind words,

And grieve over my corpse when my soul is gone.

But if your stance remains the same till then,

Who is a dead sibling to judge?

They walked down the pier, pretending to watch the pink and orange sunset,

when in fact, all they were doing was watching each other.

The world around them seemed to fade into nothing

and they hardly noticed when the wind started picking up.

So much so, that they didn’t realize the sun had fully set

and it was time to part ways.

Their hearts lingered for a moment

even as their feet took them in different directions.

Unknowingly, they ended up at the same destination:

that little ice cream shop.

Each one’s pulse quickened at the sight of the other

as they stood in line with just a few customers between them.

They went outside together, sweet caramel ice cream in their hands.

Surrounded by a comfortable silence, her head rested on his shoulder

as they stared into the endless waves.

They really needed to both be getting home

but their hearts kept colliding into one another

and they wished upon a star that this night would never end.

And it never seemed to. The moon decided to forever shine in the sky

just for them.

9/20/18

Written by this pretty pair of poets: tooldtocare & k_s

you’re smiling

and i start writing.

about the depths of your eyes

and the brightness of your smile

you take my pen, my words,

still smiling

as you refuse to give it back.

i’m starting to wonder

if you had been

frowning

all along

i lined up the

many bottles of drugs that night

and promised

only

one more day.

and then i went to sleep,

awaiting my real slumber.

next day,

i saw you.

following our usual patterns of

avoidance,

i looked away quickly.

i wanted to stare into your

bright, brown eyes.

so, so much.

but i couldn’t.

not anymore.

but then,

you came up to me.

your body

was closer than it had been

in 4 months.

the same one

that pressed against me

in those late nights

followed by lazy mornings.

i was fire.

after living in numbness

for

so

long,

emotions took over every sensation,

making me dizzy from

your beautiful presence.

and you whispered

in that sweet voice,

“Hi.”

and that was it.

for the fire to explode

for it to take over

everything

of the nothing

that had been lying in my soul

for far too long.

somehow, that one word of yours

made me throw away

every

single

pill