She dreamed

in rainbow colors,

tracing

silver clouds

with gold,

but

tears painted

wax shutters

on the windows

to her soul.

Black and Blue

on Flesh;

a Charcoal

portrait of remains —

Chalk-White

outlining Ash;

she’d finally

cordoned off

her pain.

It's not in my nature to nurture

Yet now I learn

To nurture nature,

With birds and bees

And cheeky squirrels,

With odd named flowers,

Buddleja davidii

And lonicera nitida

Growing in my garden.

I don't know how

Or why

But it seems

I have found

The missing piece

Of mind.

Oftentimes, I get myself jammed up in awkward situations that are preventable. I am my own worst enemy and it’s a result of my own self-inflicted behaviours. Lack of impulse control would best describe it.

It’s one of those things where I act before I think and it’s like “oppsie daisy I did it again!” Now that’s my brain when I fail to take my medicine. Like, who didn’t know that?

I was diagnosed with ADHD at the young age of six. Subsequent to the diagnosis, I felt like I was different than everyone else because of it. Why? Because I struggled immensely to acquire good grades in school when my fellow students did with no issues. Soon after, my doctor treated me and put me on Ritalin. Back in the early 1980′s there wasn’t Adderall or Vyvanse yet so that was the only option for treatment. It worked and I was able to focus on my school work, concentrate without distractions and my grades improved. Thereafter I learned to accept it, work through it, live with it, crack jokes and laugh about it, just to make the best of it.

Im some cases, Individuals who were diagnosed with childhood ADHD outgrow the disorder by the time they approach adulthood. Then here’s me, still ADHD as hell and when I fail to take my medicine I have a difficult time focusing on what I’m going to do next or what I’m “OH look at that cat, did you see that grey cat over there?  Oh, sorry I got distracted. Let me apologize now for my actions later. Lol

Have you ever heard of PROCRAFTINATING??? Yes, it’s when you’re working on a crafty project when you should be picking up the kids from school, making dinner, or finishing the 5 loads of laundry that your husbands been riding your ass about all week. Lol

So my train of thought left the station without me. That only means one thing? I guess I’m stuck waiting for the next one. Lol

My ADHD makes it hard for me to focus and focus and it sounds like hocus pocus and I really like magic a whole lot, abracadabra, hahaha.

You know you have ADHD when you don’t realize that you’ve interrupted somebody until they get pissed off at you. Lol

I wish I could sleep, but my ADHD kicks in and well  basically...one sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, olé McDonald had a farm, heyyyyyy macarena! Lol

2019 Goals - To accomplish the goals of 2018, which I should have done in 2017 because I made a promise in 2016 that I planned in 2015.

My sister-in-law means my husband’s younger sister’s son is Vijeth. When he was below 3 years of age my sister-in-law gave me some coins and told.

Get some chocolates to him from near by shop.

Yes.

I took him and got some chocolates and came back. Some coins were left in my hand. He snatched them from my hands and gave them to mother and then ate chocolates. He was calling his mother by name – Geetha mummy.

When he was 4 he saw some goats getting transported in a lorry and told it seems.

Vijeth: Let us buy some.

Why?

Let us keep in the shop and sell.

Theirs was a provision stores. After many years his daughter within 1 year of age does leave off the small note if somebody give her a bigger note it seems, I was told. I wanted to test. I gave her 10 Rs note and she kept it. Afterwards I gave her 100Rs note and 10Rs note she threw. Then I gave 500 and 100 went down. Then I gave 2000 note and 500 went down.

********************

Pull my hair. Check my phone. Nothing. I look at the time. The clock ticks and tocks. Its hands come together and grow apart; still, nothing. There has to be something. My head is light. Why? Breath? Breath! I inhale...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and exhale...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8. Inhale and exhale. The doors open. I clutch my seat. I see you. Only you.

You know when it’s time don’t you?

The mooring ball has pulled loose, floating freely.

You were sleeping, rocking so gently and comfortably.

The ocean breeze like a silent whisper telling you to be still.. Listen.

For your heart is collapsing into pieces.

But what you don’t realize, are those pieces are of gold.

A mosaic to be merged together into a piece of priceless beauty.

Only one person can see that true beauty,.., it is you.

You are the only one that has the mask removed. Everyone else feels it, but cannot see.

The blind man with the walking stick , he sees it... because he feels it.

The texture, bones, cartilage, fibrous layers of our humanity.

So let it be.

It is what we are and how fucking awesome is that?

There was always something about you that caught my eye. Maybe it was your intelligence. Or your humor. Your smile. You managed to make me laugh all the time. And I always felt comfortable around you. There were nights when I’d lay at night thinking about you. Sometimes you were the only thing running through my head. Was this what they called a crush? Liking someone? It felt nice at first to be honest.

I soon learned that there was someone who wanted to ask you out.

“Go for it.“ I told her. I don’t know why I said that. But in the end I knew she had more of a chance than me. She was pretty, one of the popular girls (She didn’t even talk to you that much though). I was... well, a bookworm whose head was filled with plenty of unrealistic fantasies. But I was someone who was would probably understand you better than her.

I knew that if I had to see the two of you together, my heart would only ache.

But I advised her, and in the end you said yes to her. Deep down I had always hoped that you’d say no. I’d see the two of you every day. Sometimes walking down the halls together. Always talking and laughing with each other. Even while you were with her I still talked to you.

I know it was wrong of me to be happy when I heard that the two of you decided to break up. But after that, you distanced yourself from her, and a bit from me too. We still talked.

Over the summer I’d sometimes send the occasional text, a “how are you?” Or sometimes even tease you like I did in school.

When school came around again, I ran into you again. Was it a pure coincidence that we see each other? Yes probably. But I, blinded by my crush, by this so called “love”, could only see this as perhaps fate.

we ran into each other again that day. I talked to you. Teased again. I know that you’ll probably never see me as more than perhaps a friend. I’ve moved on now, but every time I see you, which is basically every day, I think back to a time when I thought we could be something more than friend. I’ll never forget that. I’ll never forget you. But it’s likely that you’ll forget me.