It seems the more I experience

The less it all gets to me

Whether it’s my confusion

Or just symptoms of apathy

The more I know

The more it betters me

But the better I get

The more it tethers me

To a perception of self

I havent yet gained

And it threatens me

Just in the sense

Of what it did

To the rest of me

The life drained

The child gone

And I’m yet to be

Fully emerged

In the person

I was on a quest to be...

But the further I go

The less I question me

The less I get out of bed

Knowing this is what I was meant to be

The less respect for myself

And self empathy

Because I’m the causation

Of this empty me

And that’s evident...

Knowing I’m the one who did this

In pursuit of the eminent

Only hurts more

When I come to realize

That when I look in the mirror

Those aren’t my real eyes

And when I look in the past

I dream to feel mine

And if I looked at me back then

I’m sure I’d take that as a bad sign

As a life gone wrong

In the same sense

A life gone perfectly right

So perfect

I couldn’t even see my own light

Because it was so flawed

I killed it

With sharp claws

And filled it

With a heart drawn

Away from who I really am

Or who I really was

Or who’d I really like to be again

I would love to just die

And wake up as me again

But that’s just speculation

Just speculation

Maybe this pain isn’t that

And I can still find restoration

But that seems unlikely

Because even if I did

I’d still be so unlike me

Because this phase

Was not a phase at all

It was a transformation

And I must face the fall

But I’m still so scared

To face the call

Where I’m told That I died

And I’m not fazed at all

Because at that point

I was dead

Before I was raised at all

And at this point I feel I’m there

Immune to the feelings

Of direction and care

And maybe this whole thing

Has been my eulogy

And when I put down this pen

They’ll be no use in me

And by the time that you’ve read this

At this rate

I’m probably on the dead list

And if that’s fate

At least I fucking said this

It might’ve been late

But if I die now

And still appear alive

At least I have no fear

And my quest survives

June 1, 3580

The law was passed today and the military was

dissolved and guns were banned.. We have no

use for it now. If you ask me, I think we are

leaving ourselves undefended. Anyone could

attack or raid us now and we can’t stop them.

June 5, 3580

Sorry it’s been so long since I wrote last, I was

really busy. Anti-gun people are excited and

supportive of the new law but the pro-gun side

is not too happy. People have been rioting and

the police are trying to get that under control.

The police don’t have any guns though so it’s

sorta hard for them. Why are they rioting?

June 6, 3580

At school today, a boy walked into the school

and started shooting. He killed five people and

sent eight to the hospital. The security guards

didn’t have guns so they couldn’t stop him.

They also couldn’t get close enough to taze him.

People are saying this is just another reason we

should remove the new law and I agree with them.

We need to be able to protect themselves. One

of my friends was killed today.

June 10, 3580

We had the funerals for the five people in the

last four days. I had to be at my friends. It hurt so

bad. More school and public shootings have

happened in the last couple of days also.

Twenty more people killed and fifteen injured.

What is this world coming too?

July 4, 3580

Sorry I didn’t write for like a month, I lost my diary

and couldn't find it. Today was Independence Day.

We went to the parade and got lots of candy. In the

last month or so, more people have died because

of shootings and the government is trying to come

up with a peaceful solution. That’s what Dad said.

People have started fleeing to different countries

where they can protect themselves. Mom says she

wants to move also.

July 5, 3580

Today was terrible. Mom was at the supermarket

buying some watermelon for dinner tonight and a

person came in with a bomb strapped to their back.

They blew up the whole supermarket and everyone

in it. Including Mom. I hate this new law, I hate every

-one who voted for it. I hate this country, I hate this

government!!!

July 7, 3580

I’m done. Today was the funeral for all the people

who died in the supermarket. They didn’t find Mom’s

body. It was probably blown to shreds. I hate my life.

Dad’s just moping around now, not even going to work.

I’m not going to judge him though ’cause I’m doing

the same thing. I hate my life.

July 19, 3580

A lot has happened in the time I haven’t written.

More bombings and shootings and now, countries

are starting to invade us. The world is coming to an

end, my friend. I just hope you are safe and sound,

curled up on the couch with your family. I’ll never

have a family again. I miss Mom a ton.

July 21, 3580

They’re outside in the streets. The invading countries

are here. I’m hiding in my closet, writing this to you.

I hope you survive and I hope one day you will tell

the world our story. They’re here, in the house now.

I have only seconds before they find me. Don’t let

this happen to your country and goodbye.