Dear self from three years earlier,

Let me tell you what I wish I'd known sooner:

1. Sign up for running start when you're going into junior year. You won't want to be around high school kids any longer. Trust me. They suck ass.

2. Surprise! You're a boy! Yeah, gotcha with that one, didn't I? No, you're not cis, you're not agender, you're not genderfluid. Just straight up trans-boy. Cut your hair short now, it's AMAZING. Plus you look good in it.

3. No, do not be an astrophysicist. DO NOT take the physics science course. It is living hell. Art may not seem like it will prove a well-paying job, but there are jobs out there. You will be much happier in art.

4. Oooh! Last one, super important! Don't think about relationships because............ SURPRISE! You're asexual! You might feel pressured by society and think people look cute, but you actually just find them aesthetically pleasing in an artistic way and are MUCH happier having a good friend, like Kartar (Make sure to visit her as much as you can).

Good, now if I could only actually send this to you, past self, I'd save myself three confusing, wasted years.

Love ya, present self 2017

Anxious

Fidgeting

Can't stop rubbing hands together

Constant movement

This is all too much

Done

This is it.

This is how I die.

The snow freezes over my face

I'm lying here in the snow.

You wouldn't  see me until you stepped on me

Frost bite doesn't feel so bad

But that's probably because I can't feel at all

It melts at the touch of my warm skin

Then a breeze

It freezes over again.

I can't see

Can't feel

Can barely hear

I don't know how long I've been here

Waiting

Nobody has come near

All fear has washed away

Whatever comes:

Is

"Adieu, adieu, adieu. Remember me"

Cut

Cut

Slsh

Drip

Drip

Fill

Fills the tub

Red, thick

Running my finger tips through the smooth

Red Liquid

Now toes in,

Now

Legs submerged

Now

Fully emerged

Now

Drowning in their blood

All I wanted was to be close to them

So close

Close