I have you. Rest your eyes, because I hold you tightly in My arms. My weary child, know that tomorrow will come and bring a brighter sun with it, all you need is to trust Me. I do not say things lightly and without cause, I mean these words. My word is law. And you, My beloved and precious, will make it exactly where you need to be. Yes, right now the waves of the world are holding you down, but know, I will never, EVER let you drown. You will emerge from this stronger than before. And you've made it thus far, keep going. I am ahead of you, I know where your feet will land next and what the end of the path holds for you. Do not be afraid, for I love you with all My heart.

As a teenager, I had one love. He made me strong and never left my side. When I went through a tough time, he was there making sure I got out of it.

Freshman year, I was starting out in a new school and he made sure I knew exactly where I was going, and that I would always have a lunch buddy.

Sophmore year, I dealt with depression. He was there to hold my hand and wipe my tears.

But Junior year...

Junior year my sister died, leaving me in pieces. I wanted to end it all. I called him with tears streaming down my face. I told him goodbye. He rushed over to my house and held me the entire night. The only thing I remember him saying is

"You're not allowed to die, okay? Promise me you won't die."

I tried to argue with him, saying I was better off dead and that nobody cared, but he was persistant on making me promise. So I did...

"I promise."

That was 200 years ago today...

I don't know what he did to me, but it worked. I kept my promise.

I have tried. Tried to end it. Tried to find a way out of this "spell" I'm in but I can't find a way. A way to escape life.

I've watched everyone I care about leave me. Escaping this world and leaving me on it. I don't know what to do. My heart longs for my love, but I'm stuck here on this world. Alone.

Every night I pray to God that he will help me break my promise so I can leave this world, but nothing works. I am stuck here. Forever.

Alone.

The devils in the details, the ones you wish not see.

Secrecy is both in not being heard and not being said.

A man beats his wife, but she doesn't complain,

Is she too proud? Is she not the same?

For the man is weak, probably shame.

Wouldn't some sell their bodies,

for fortune and fame?

But critizise those whom are famous and rich?

Those who would do the same?

We all the same, and different as well,

so complex, we are dichotomous.

We all share the same set, the same tools

but CHOICE is what defines us

and we CHOOSE what we value

from there is where we diverge.

Don't pretend you did not know

Did not confront, did not show.

Everyone understands notion, that gut feeling,

when somethings array, when somethings not healing.

You know how it feels to hurt, but still choose to hurt others.

Who are you to judge? To accuse? Give grace instead.

For those who suffer most, are those closest to the bad choices.

I couldn't take my eyes off her.

She was all I ever saw;

Was all I ever wanted.

She was my forever.

She was mine.

She isn't.

Goodbye.

I saw my best friend last night for the first time in 3 months. The second time in 7 months from when we first met. He said, "when you hug me- it's like you're holding on for dear life." I said, "I know if I let go- I won't see you for a long time." He said, "it's nice." I'm afraid to lose him. I love my best friend.

In my fourth-chair trumpet~

in particular, that moment in time;

like a walking fauteuil à bascule,

ill fitting and out of line.

Raised hips in sudden scurry,

they all turned to watch me go;

in pity upon their faces~ slavishly,

I admired their snobbish glows.

Yet, I detained my eyes from wandering

towards their stares, along the row.

Glad for sounds of dining glasses

and the doors that open and close.

Entombing me, in a barrage of clinking

a bang heard~ I truly welcomed the sounds;

preserving me, against indignity,

while all the Garçons made their rounds.

Still, the words I left in tow that night

were always meant to be.

And, if you were there in that particular moment,

you would have had to agree.

But~ be that as it may,

hands still stay in my pocket,

head tilted in a downward climb;

the words still echoing like a Libretto,

in its final melodic chime.

Big picture ideas

But I like living in brushstrokes

Each stripe of deep sea

and shallow river, clear, flowing.

Rippling sunlight over

fine sand, deep, murky.

Fingers spread through searching

glints of gold, mica, shimmering.

Clothes sag and weigh,

glimmering, too. Beer bottle glass

beside beer can blue. Drunken dreams

of painting the waters

I fell in love with.

I haven't seen you

since.

I tried to call you

but you didn't pick up.

not that I thought

you would.

I don't know if I

still love you.

I don't know if I ever

loved you

for you.

maybe not.

maybe I loved the

idea of you.

maybe we both did.

maybe we both loved the idea

of this.

whatever this was.

but it was enough.

I was

happy.

at least

I convinced myself

I was.

now I have to

start all over.