Do they see this?

When they look at me,

do they see what I see?

A child,

Trying to be a man.

Trying to stand tall, while the weight of my responsibities

Push me to the floor.

Trying to love,

Like I haven't been abandoned before.

"Do this", "Be that"...

My mind telling me, that I can be more...

When they look at me,

Do they see what I see?

Surviving on happiness,

That I'm really just borrowing.

Drowning in pride,

Reality a pill, I'm not too good at swallowing.

Just trying to convince my shadow,

That I'm a man worth following.........

Because if they follow me,

why can't I follow myself...

If they love me,

why can't I love myself...

They trust me

Admire me

Look up to me

Only because when they look at me,

They don't see what I see.....

I'm sorry.

I know you're probably disappointed.

You had dreams of your "knight in shining armor"

Coming to free you from the castle walls that are your mind,

But what ended up with was me.

A boy, far from a knight,

Trapped behind his own walls.

Still learning to love himself...

Scared of heights

So falling in love was never in the plans.

You probably wanted more

I'm sorry...

But I can promise you

That I'll try...

If you let me,

I'll have my words caress away the pain

Of every time your heart was ripped from your chest.

If you let me,

I want to fill up a wine glass with your thoughts,

Get drunk on your dreams.

If you let me,

I will memorize your desires,

Like a Christian to the bible,

You'll be my religion.

I may not be what you expected...

But if you let me..

I can try....

Not really sure if you can call me a time traveler...

I mean I can only travel to my memories..

At night I lie down. I remember. And then I'm there.

Sometimes I go to a time when I cried through the night.

I comfort the younger me.

I tell myself that men CAN cry.

I tell myself that it's okay to be different.

That I don't need to fit in.

I'll be fine...

Other times I go back to the times I listened to my mama crying...

I tell her that I love her

That I know it's hard but we'll make it through.

That I know she skips meals so my brothers and I can fill our stomachs,

and even if we don't say it much we love her,

and we appreciate her.

I do this every night.

I go back.

Comfort myself,

My mama,

My brothers,

Searching for that one memory that broke me.....

But maybe...

Just maybe...

I was born broken.......

I still love you...

I still think about you.

I still think about your smile.

I still remember your dreams, your fears, your favorite color.

I still think about how you would look in a wedding dress.

You moved on, but I'm still here

Still in love with you...

There are days we cease living, long before we really die.

A breathing corpse, life slowly passing us by.

We're buried in thoughts, past loves, past mistakes.

Drowning in failures, regrets, and heartbreaks.

Forgetting to love, and forgetting to smile.

Marching towards death, but we've been dead for a while...