11 p.m.

You are checked into the hospital. The nurses search you as well as your belongings- you cannot have any strings, blades, sharp objects or medication.

You say a tearful goodbye to your parents. You cannot tell if they are relieved, scared, or disappointed.

12 a.m.

You strip off your clothes in front of the nurses. They check your naked body for cuts.

You are given a cot to sleep on in the middle of the hallway (you foolishly said you did not trust yourself to be safe if you were alone) in order to ensure your safety. The nurses add your name to the whiteboard, along with an S. Suicidal. You cry yourself to sleep.

8:17 a.m.

You are woken by noises in the hallway. Other kids are awake, sitting in their rooms and yelling at the nurses. You learn the rules. You learn that you are not supposed to leave your room until 8:30. You learn that you must always raise your hand. You learn that you must sit with persons of the same sex. You have to pee, but you are too terrified to raise your hand. You learn to be quiet.

9:00 a.m.

Breakfast arrives in a silver cart. You watch it roll away and leave, and you fight the urge to go with it. You stand up to go eat, but are told to sit down. You are given the reminder- you must raise your hand if you need to get up.

You eat alone that morning.

9:10 a.m.

You get in line for your pills. The nurse hands them to you and watches you swallow. You open your mouth so she can make sure they're gone.

9:45 a.m.

Group begins. You are one of the two new patients in the ward. Taking turns, you go over your names, why you are here, and your goal for the day. You meet the other kids. Serenity. Emma. Ben. You realize you might possibly be the sanest person there.

11:30 p.m.

"On a scale of one to ten, how suicidal do you feel right now?" You answer the nurse honestly. Eight. He does not sympathize with you when you go over your situation. He does not even look you in the eyes. You dub him an asshole.

12:00 p.m.

Lunchtime. You wait patiently in your seat until they call your name for you to come get your food. You have learned. You sit with two other girls. You share your stories.

You feel a little less lonely.

1:00 p.m.

Group is back in session. You play some games to help you learn coping skills. You smile once or twice.

3:00 p.m.

Snack time. You get in trouble for being in the kitchen with another patient at the same time. It's not like you were doing anything. You just forgot. They don't care.

5:00 p.m.

Dinner awaits you. You eat the shitty food as if it is your last meal. You sit with the other female patients. The one in a wheelchair (she faints from anxiety when she stands) makes you laugh. It almost feels like you are not in a hospital.

6:00 p.m.

Another daily check of your suicidal ideations. On a scale of one to ten, you are a four.

6:03 p.m.

You are late to group, but it is a movie night. You watch Rudy and take notes on coping skills Rudy used to deal with rejection. You think it is bullshit, but you are too scared to say so.

8:30 p.m.

Free time. You chat with the two girls you have come to know as your personal saviors from hell. You learn tomorrow is a visiting day. Panic begins to flow through your veins. You do not want to see your family. You do not want to break down again.

9:00 p.m.

You go to bed. Tonight, you have been granted a room to sleep in. You lie awake, sobs rising up your throat. Your tears blur into darkness. You are taken by sleep.

i'm hooked on your wide eyes and you get hooked on your highs

shades of brown and gold light your dimming smile while hues of grey and blue ignite your eyes

i hate the drugs you smoke and the thought of the women that you see because one's been killing you and the other will kill me

i cannot stand the thought of your feet tempting that ledge

your cigarettes freestanding on the edge and a bottle in your hand

i know i can't save you from the drugs you've come to love but i wish i didn't tease that line with the taste of your lips still on my tongue

i can't fight the sleepless nights

you've been gone for a few weeks

there's puffy clouds beneath my

eyes as your puffs caress your cheeks

i've been shaking all evening with your name grating against my teeth but i'm afraid i'm confusing my need for love and your love for the need

11:38 p.m.

desert milk moon

streets sharpened and

peeled back in poems

sitting in my study with a

book of Jeffers next to a

play by Eliot

a drive across the oceans

of ink

of boulevards pronounced

in smoke and sweat

decades adding up and creating

a feel of Faust

of Cervantes

milk moon

and flags in blue fire

reading the heavyweights

plucked like stones

from the shelf.

Tonight’s a night for them.

A Machiavelli moon

lit high above

a Sun Tzu street

enough of our genius

without them we’d be nothing left

to have gone before us took guts

the blood on the page,

theirs,

the suns of Neruda

gripped in the fist

of moderns,

our fingers still fleshed

at midnight

beating the hours back

because of them

I sit here and think about what

they’ve left behind

rolling hills of words

for feed

the sun-torn expanse

bleeding and spilling

into ours

dropping down from

them into us

our hearts’

excuse for laughter

for understanding failure

for victory against

the bullshit

I sit here and write into

the midnight hour

high on the words

of beautiful madmen

once so brilliant of eye.

Tonight’s a night for them,

while I stroke these keys

and reach out

across their oceans of

ink

all bravado aside

all my own bullshit

dropped away

sitting here behind

the machine

reaching with everything

I have

to be a speck of

dust shining

in their

skulls.

Can’t catch your breath? Legs... Weak? Heart racing, fast, chest feelin’ like it’s burning? Is your head spinning? Are you dizzy? Feels like fireworks in your bones, like every time you move you might, slip? You feel the tingle down your spine? Your body doesn’t feel like it’s yours. It's fire or is it ice? Peppermint and the cold icy wind beneath your teeth. Firey... Giving you too much heat. Too strong? Yeah. That’s how it feels.

When they lose their humanity.

Allow their souls to travel to the shadows where the demons whisper in their ears. When they bath themselves in their own greed and drowned in selfish desire at the cost of others in need. When their actions or their tongue coat the earth with crimson and their words spread like a disease distorting and destroying that which is beautiful in this world. For it is hate, greed, selfishness, and ignorance that destroys the soul and leaves us hollow and without a soul we are nothing but monsters.

My life has been touched

Because we have walked

A special walk together

Because you matter to me

Because we are friends

Because you have given me courage

Because I care

And I love you.