I was unhappy and suicidal and heartbroken and so utterly lonely. The one person who mattered, the only person who truly mattered had stopped believing. Stopped beliving, stopped dreaming, stopped hoping, that I wasn't broken beyond fixing. But I survived. And ten years later I have been rescued. By my knight in shining armor. I am content and whole and happy. Who was it that made me so happy? I did. Once upon a time I stopped believing in myself. That left me battered and alone. Now I have found a way back. I have glued myself back together. I am my greatest love and worst nemesis. The monster under the bed and the fairy godmother. The heartbreaker and the only true soulmate.

#trying #cornyaf #stilldepressed

You want sunshine when it rains. You want to be happy when you are sad. You want life when you see death. You want an adventure when you are bored. You want company when you are lonely. You want to be alone when you are overwhelmed. You want violence when you are angry. You want the cold in the heat and the heat in the cold. You want something to fill the silence. You want something to shut out the noise. You want to be numb when it hurts. Creativity comes from wanting a different reality. From imagining that different reality and making it real in a different way, by using what you have- ink, paint, whatever. When the real world is too painful or too boring or too unbearable you create escape doors to better worlds. Worlds of magic and color and beauty and darkness.

Because it is better to not laugh than pretend to laugh, it is better to save it all for that moment when you truly feel like laughing loud and hard and deep. When the quiet and calm is comforting don't pretend that solace can be found in mindless chatter that's supposed to be entertaining. If you are the company you prefer, then choose yourself. Let the world call you gloomy and serious. The world doesn't know.

Normal is not something to be cherished. Nobody strives for the mundane. Life is only worth living if you live it unhinged. Off your rocker. Having all your marbles is highly overrated. Take it as the highest compliment when they call you mad. Madness is being who you are, all of who you are, all the time, with no regard for conventions and norms and opinions and gossip. Madness is liberating.

Theres nothing quite so unsettling as seeing 'Write'. Period. Faded Grey proffesional font commanding you to Write. Kinda sucks the words right out of you. Thats the thing about words. Abandons you when you try to summon them. They scatter and shatter and leaves you lost.

#words #myfirstattempt