Always Be You
In your pain
Be optimistic.
Through streaming tears
Clutch hope to your chest
And float
On the torrent,
As you flow on the calm
With disregard.
Cling on, if necessary.
But never let go.
For the raging storms will pass
Just as surely as the bright days
Will pass.
And in the end
There will be you.
There will always be you,
With sadness or joy
And hope.
Always hope
Because there will always be you
To shine
Like a contrary sun
In the darkest of nights.
There will always be you.
4 AM September 2nd 2019
The sound of the rain battering this weather worn cabin is all that keeps me together. Through the long seemingly endless nights the storm rocks me to sleep while a thick blanket of thunder tucks my aching limbs and weary head in for bed. A peppermint tea sits idly on the bedside table, a half read book rests inches from my outstretched hands.
Finally
Peace at last
Understandable
(This is, I think, the most personal thing I have written,ever. It’s a true story. ) Special thanks and eternal gratitude to Undermeyou for kind and encouraging words x
Understandable.
Soaring through the air.
Like an Eagle.
Or some kind of graceful, powerful bird, riding on the currents. Beautifully coloured feathers barely whispering out of place. Plumage strummed softly by the wind as she rode the draught.
She had imaged this moment for years.
She plummeted downwards at 54 miles per hour, screaming.
+
Gemma knocked at the door.
She had been looking forward to this evening out with Gerry for a long time. Things had been getting on top of them. It seemed, at the moment, like everything was getting on top of her.
Everything except Gerry, that is.
They were both under pressure at work and having a four year old didn’t help. They were both drained and she had jumped at the chance when her mum and dad had offered to baby sit.
“Bring him round at five,” her mum had said.
“It’ll give you some time to pamper yourself”
Nobody answered.
+
The train was crowded.
She didn’t like trains, anyway.
And she never went anywhere by herself. This was a new experience. But she knew what she was doing.
She was surrounded by families, much like her own. Well, it was a bank holiday weekend and Wales would be busy. The train was packed. The faces of the excited children didn’t remind her of her own grandchildren. She never thought of them, though she had walked past them as she left the house. It was like a temple to them, with their images on every wall. They were the last thing she had seen as she left the house.
The taxi ride to the station was unusual.
She never went anywhere by herself.
+
The house was empty.
The house was empty and she was confused. But only a little. They must have been out for a drive. They’ll be back soon. She let herself in, leading the child by the hand.
It felt odd. The curtains were closed. It was still warm. The August sun had warmed the air through the curtains – which were closed.
She sat down, slightly bemused and cuddled him.
But then the car pulled onto the drive way. She relaxed and went to the door as her dad put the handbrake on and got out of the car.
+
“The house was empty.”
“What?”
“When I got home from work the house was empty. Just like it is now, in fact.”
“But,”
“I don’t know where your mum is.”
“But she never goes anywhere by herself.”
Her dad looked at her blankly.
“Grandaaad…!”
Sean jumped into his grandad’s arms, laughing and kissing his face.
“Hello, son. How are you?”
“Where’s Nana, Grandad? I’m sleeping here tonight. Where’s Nana?”
+
The taxi ride from the station was unusual.
She was in a familiar place, but looking through unfamiliar eyes.
She knew the road. And the scenery. And the row of shops and hotels.
But she was by herself, looking, not talking. The taxi driver had given up on the polite conversation a couple of minutes in.
She was secretly amazed she had come all this way by herself. A bit proud, really, that she had got the right train to the right station. It was a fifteen minute taxi ride now.
She was close.
+
“He said the house was empty.”
“What?”
“When he got home from work. The house was empty.”
“But I thought they were baby-sitting tonight. I’ve booked a table and everything! I thought… you know…”
“Well, yes. So did I.”
“So, where is she then?”
“We don’t know. He went to everyone’s house. Nobody knows…
She’s gone!”
“But she never goes anywhere by herself. Your poor dad… it’s like having a shadow. They are joined at the hip.”
“I know.”
“So what now? I’ll cancel the table. Should we phone the police?”
“He’s gone down to the station. But they can’t do anything yet.”
+
The view was spectacular.
Rolling fields of green behind.
Roaring seas of blue ahead.
The sun was warm and the afternoon was as blue as the clear sky.
Her spirits soared, gasping her breath as she spanned the horizon with her eyes. Scanned the sea for signs of life. There were none, besides the yikes of distant gulls.
The surf washed and crashed and hissed below her, battering the cliff face into submission.
It was as she had imagined.
Her breath choked in her throat.
In exhilaration.
She was here!
+
The night passed roughly.
They slept in tosses and turns and dark frustration. The three of them.
Sean slept peacefully on. His abandoned trip forgotten; washed away by Peppa Pig and Scooby Doo.
They rose early. The three of them and he came to them.
“Still no word, dad?”
“No, love. Still no word.”
He was white. Ashen, in fact.
He hadn’t slept alone for thirty years.
He hadn’t coped with a worry or woe on his own, without her, for forty years.
He felt like a corpse.
“The police will start looking today. They send word out to neighbouring forces. I don’t understand.”
They sat down together. They smiled at the child, but the warm air was chilled.
She was normal. She was boring.
She was gone.
+
He answered the questions.
“We argued about money the other week, But it was just. You know. Normal, like. You know. Just about spending too much. Or too little. It was nothing”
“So she never gave any indication that she might leave you, sir?”
“No! Why would she leave me? We’ve been married for forty years! Why would she leave me?”
“Look, I’ll take Sean out somewhere. To my mum’s. Keep him away from this and occupy his mind. I can let her know what’s going on, too.”
“But. I… Gerry…”
“No. That’s a good idea, Gerry. Gemma can stay with me and help me ring people. To see.”
She made them a cup of tea. The policeman had suggested it. He said not to worry. Let’s have a cup of tea and a think, shall we.
So they did.
It didn’t work.
+
The wind was up.
Well. It was the top of a cliff. Overlooking a vast stretch of unbroken sea. But it wasn’t wild. Strong but calm, really.
As she was.
She unbuttoned her blouse and felt the warm air wrap itself around her.
It dropped from her shoulders and she was enveloped.
She’d chosen a skirt with a side zip, knowing this moment would go more smoothly if she didn’t have to struggle reaching behind herself for a zip nestled at the top of her big bum. God that would have added a touch of comedy. She’d known this.
She knew what she was doing.
The skirt dropped and she stepped out of it. Unashamed in her knickers and bra. And, still her shoes. Just like Cabaret.
Her clothes lay crumpled by her bag. She was just her, now. No identity. No name.
Nobody.
+
He could have stayed in.
But she told him to go. His night out had been planned for months. Besides, he was no use at home. What could he do? It was three days now and all he did was keep suggesting he should take Sean somewhere else.
There had been no word. No clues. No news.
Her small circle of friends knew nothing.
She had asked, about a month ago, if they knew how to get to Wales. But that was just chatter. And jokes. How do you get to Wales in a Mini? One in the front and one in the back.
It was nothing.
Nobody had told her.
Besides.
She never went anywhere by herself.
She was a home bird. Everything was family. And her small circle of friends.
She never worried.
Never fell out.
Never went anywhere
By herself.
+
He was home early.
To be fair, he was home very early.
And concerned.
“I don’t understand this.”
“What?”
“Your mum. She is so normal. Boring, really”
“Thanks”
“In the best way. I mean. She just gets on with life. Her family. Her friends. Your dad. It’s that simple to her. The way it should be. It’s not complicated.”
“I know.”
“But this…”
“I know. I don’t understand.”
+
She took a deep breath.
Savouring the moment.
This is who she was.
Again, after all these years.
The sun was starting to set. But it was still warm.
She was free.
And happy.
At home, alone she had imagined this.
And then a graceful swoop.
Then soaring through the air.
Like an Eagle. Or some kind of graceful, powerful bird, riding on the currents. Beautifully coloured feathers barely whispering out of place. Plumage strummed softly by the wind as she rode the air.
She had imaged this moment for years.
She was sixty-two.
She was overweight.
She stepped forward to swoop.
+
The phone startled them.
“Yes.”
Then she whispered.
“It’s the police. Yes. Right. Okay. Thank-you.”
“What is it?”
“A body.”
“Oh, God.”
“Where is it? Is it her?”
“They don’t know. It’s in Wales. It’s been recovered.”
“Wales!”
“What d’you mean, recovered?”
“By the lifboats. It’s been recovered by the lifeboats.”
“What!”
The world stood still.
+
It was just a step away.
The graceful swoop. Just one fucking step!
She was exhilarated.
Euphoric.
Unstoppable.
She crouched slightly, ready to leap.
She was sixty-two.
Her feet never left the ground.
Until she toppled forward. Into the air.
The ground rushed towards her. Rocks and sea and surf.
No soaring.
No feathers.
No chance.
In 2.5 seconds she was dead.
+
The plan was flawed.
Her clothes at the top.
Her body at the bottom.
Bank cards and phone bill in her bag.
Of course she could be identified. Why hadn’t she thought of this?
It took three days.
Nobody ever came to this spot.
That’s why she had always liked it.
It was secret.
It was hers.
It was three days before somebody spotted the body on the rocks below.
Half in and half out of the water.
Damaged.
Bloodied.
Dead.
+
They didn’t cry.
I don’t think.
But they hugged.
There was hurt and confusion.
Self-doubt.
Was it my fault?
Everyone asked that question.
Well, except for Sean. His only question was: “Where’s Nana?”
They told him, eventually, that she had fallen over on the beach and bumped her head and had been taken by the angels.
While secretly wondering if she had been taken by the Devil.
The letter came at the end of the week.
It was an apology for leaving. That was all. Addressed to Gemma. No mention of Wales.
Or cliffs.
Or death.
+
The lifeboat struggled on the lively sea.
It was still warm and still summer.
But not still.
The wind around the cliff edge, where it met the sea, was almost turbulent.
It would have seen a bird soar, and dip and swoop.
But not a woman, who was sixty-two. Who was overweight. Who couldn’t jump.
They hooked the body eventually and dragged it to the boat.
Don’t try to imagine what they saw.
They don’t.
Covered on the speed back to shore, the lifeless, limp body gave no answers.
The belongings at the top of the cliff gave no answers, also.
Nor the letter.
The coroner gave no answers. He didn’t know.
Nobody knew.
+
She made the papers, though.
They knew.
As they always do.
Ignoring the truth that wasn’t being told by anybody.
It all made sense to them.
The letter.
The handbag.
The stumbling jump.
The story told itself.
It made the news.
+
And life went on.
As it always has to.
Because there’s nothing else.
And the survivors learnt to smile and laugh again.
And Sean eventually learnt the truth.
And understood that there was nothing to understand.
Things can’t be stopped.
Or changed.
Or avoided.
We can only hope that we aren’t the ones making the news.
A cup of tea will help.
But only if it’s strong and sweet.
A New Day
A big, beaming smile,
Laughter laced with mirth
A kind word here,
A considerate compliment there
A freshly cooked, homemade meal,
The scent so mouthwatering
The promise of seeing cute, furry faces,
Gazing back warmly
A sweet shared embrace,
Being able to touch your skin
The privilege of witnessing the sun rise,
And its eventual fall
So many goals to reach,
My work never truly done
The knowledge that tomorrow
Will always bring a brand new day
Those thoughts drive me forward,
Even while lost
In the murkiest of waters
Serenity Cove
Among the Oak and Sycamore
Where gentle breezes kiss
A dandelion, I wish and blow
The wind takes it adrift
Wild apples, plenty, ripening
Sweet aroma draws me near
I pass bright sunflowers, bathing
In the heaven’s atmosphere
Bouquets of blossomed beauty
Alight the path I step
Where tall grass tickles me
With a soft and sweet caress
The cascades subtle trickle
Is faintly heard from here
Where flora is much thicker;
Abundant with water near
An arbor of the oaks
Shades from Summer’s sun
I cross the river rock
Where the water rarely runs
Through overgrowth of ivy
I step ’cross mossy stones
There, beyond, I see
Swiftly, the creek is flowin’
Near the edge I stop,
A perfect place to rest
The air is thick and hot
My reward; creek’s chilliness
I wade the crystal water
So clear, my feet ’top stones
I step a little further
’Til a chill runs through my bones
Ah, the sweet refreshment
This pool that cools me down
My place of sentiment
Fond memories swirl around
Gushing, stirring waterfalls;
Loud quiets all my mind
I drown among the echoes
And silencing of time
Every care is swept away
My reflection, soul, anew
A dam that holds the worries bay
And clears my point of view
The sun begins to flicker
Lumen rays dance through the leaves
I know sunset is nearer
Heavy sighs as I must leave
My heart abides here, always
This creek flows in my veins
Adjoined here on this summer day
My essence is serene
photo credit:
Christopher Martin photography