What I really wanted to ask was, "How do you feel about me?" I always ask, "What do you think," or, "Is this good enough," just to relieve the unacceptance of being rejected. To prove to my conscience wrong. To confirm one aspect of my life to be correct in the public's eyes. To look sane and unneedy. To look normal. But, what I really wanted to ask was, "What do you think of me?" Honestly. Anything you have to say. Just pour it out onto me. I can't bear the uncertainty, whether this relationship we have is one sided or mutual. No matter what stage our relationship is at, whether a friend, a lover or merely an acqaintence, I want to know. I just want to be accepted, but this silence, this ignorant void of nonsense, tears my heart apart. Being unable to fully comprehend your thoughts, I can't bear it. Yet, I'm too afraid to ask. For fear of rejection, humiliation and loneliness. Please. Oh, please. Help me out of this loop. I have spun for far too long.

Strip me of my coccoon

Break down my walls

Let my frailness not hinder my goals

But allow me to grow stronger

Return to the earth, Old self

For your purpose is far from finished

Let it grow to be an inspiration to others

A hope to one day shed their own cocoon

Return to your maker, O wicked ways

Inform him,

“Your services are no longer necessary,

Never return!”

For a new chapter is only just beginning

Let the changing of years not change the good

But change the hindrances

May the Lord walk with me always

Goodbye 2018

The sky is lit. Burning bright with sparks of orange. It erupts from within the darkness just like a volcano. You look up to the dark sky, uncertain whether the misplaced moon is covered by clouds or smoke. You walk towards the flames. Screams of death shatter the air above the crackling of the fire. Their lingering screeches pierce your ears and drag you back into reality. The smoke billows into your face, lathering you in ash. You turn your head to cough as your elbow wraps around your face in protection. The flames lick at your skin, hissing like a cobra that is hungry to dig it’s poisonous fangs into it’s prey. Your body is streaked with sweat and caked with layers upon layers of ashes, covering you in a mixture similar to cement. It dries and cracks as if it were an added layer of dead skin. You can feel it rub against your skin, causing an overwelling desire to itch and peel it off. You can feel beads of sweat trickling down into your eyes, but your arms feel too stiff to move. You push further into the fire. The screams have died and you stand surrounded by explosive sounds of poping. You search the streets, looking for any signs of life. Nothing. There's nothing. Only the flesh eating flames dance in mockery of your pain as it steals souls to fuel its own life. You dodge through the flames and slowly, you can feel them eating at your own body. Your skin burns. It has been ripped from the flesh, leaving your muscle to fend for itself. Your stomach curls as you see the next building. It's your house. It's fully collapsed. The wood is burnt to a dark char and small flames continue to knaw at the remains. The damage is already done. Tears burn your eyes and sting your partially baked face. Your body quivers as you release choked gasps of air. You stagger over to the wreck and you turn away immediately to cover your mouth and nose. A stagnant, metallic, burnt odour sits ideally over the burning embers. You clutch your gut and turn back to resume your search. A search for anything. Anything. Piles of ashes disperse and scatter as you step over them. You push large logs and piles of rubble out of the way. Your legs give, causing you to stumble as you carry a log. You reposition your feet to steady yourself and while doing so, you hear a crunch underneath your foot. You look down. It's a bone. A human bone. You fall to your knees and clutch it. It burns in your hands, but what does it matter. Nothing can bring back the dead. You cradle it in your arms and rock back and forth as if putting a baby to sleep. You cry in silences as you look up to the sky and watch chaos ensue. Your home is gone, burned and destroyed, with no way for you to help. In defeat, you lie down and cry, joining your fallen comrades in an eternal sleep.

***This was supposed to be put into a challenge but I was a bit tardy in finishing it***

Stand strong

Feet planted

Be who you want

But respect others

Ignore the haters

Negative thoughts are undeserving

Embrace your friends

They lift you up

But remember,

each one has a purpose

Let the unsupportive friends go

Their actions are a hinder

Your body is your most important possession

Unretrievable once lost

Respect your body

Love it!

This is your temple

Give it the care it needs

Be healthy

Healthy doesn't always mean being skinny

Eating is essential

So is exercising

Your choices make and break you

Life is complicated

Viewed as being big and scary

That's okay

Facing your fears through baby steps helps you to grow

And don't reject help from others

When holding on is unbearable

Remember

The Lord is with you

He always leads his sheep to safe pastures

So stand strong

Feet planted in the Lord

He is always there when the tides get rough

Hey!

How ya doin'?

That's good, that's good.

How was your day?

Oooo, so it was a rough one.

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

Here

Why don't ya take a seat,

Relax,

Do you want some coffee?

Hot chocolate?

Hmm,

Good choice

Hot chocolate is always good for relaxing

Do ya want some cookies?

They're freshly baked~

Here,

Take as many as you'd like

Come on

Relax, relax

Everything will be okay

Just relax

Close your eyes

Everything be fine

It will all be okay

Just let it go

Let it all go

Let all your worries, just, fly away

Shhh

Relax

Here is where you are free

Free from worry

Free from doubt

Free from everything

Why don't you stay for a while?

Oh, honey

Shhh

Don't resist it

Embrace it

The more you struggle

The more it will hurt you

Aww~

Don't give me that look

You're gonna hurt my feelings

Come on

Relax

You'll be free soon

Free for eternity

The moon loved the sun

Yet the sun never paid her any attention

He focused his energy on staying the centre of attention

Even so, the moon was devoted to him

Longing to be by his side

Her mother warned her about him

Going as far as restraining her from meeting him

Always keeping her within view

Yet she would not listen

She snuck away from her mother’s embrace

Sneaking through the crowd towards him

He was more then she imagined

Both for better and for worse

He was grand,

He was fantastic

More grandiouse and handsome than physically possible

Yet she couldn’t lay her eyes on him

His charm blinded her

Burned her

The closer she got,

The more it hurt

She could not bear him any longer

How could she love such a man

If she couldn’t even look at him?

Or bare to be next to him?

Yet this was only the beginning

As the sun had noticed her

Such a beautiful, elegant girl

He had to have her

He chased after her

Shining even brighter than before

Beckoning her to be with him

The moon couldn’t take it

The light terrified her

She was melting

Dying beneath his thumb

She fled

Seeking refuge in the dark

No longer able to stand bright lights

He tried to chase her

But the crowds he created prevented him from doing so

With no desire of giving up,

The sun’s only option was to send her letters

To this day, the sun continues to shower the moon with love

But she rejects him,

Turning her eyes away

Hiding in the darkness behind her mother

Dancing with the twinkling stars

Stars that she dreams of meeting yet dares not to

My heart is shattering

But you can't tell

It's disguised behind my smile

So cheery and bright

An instant reaction

It sometimes fools myself

Yet deep inside

Something is missing

I'd love to tell you

I really do try

I throw in hints, actions

Anything that might make you catch on

Yet I hesitate

How can I tell you

When I don't even know what's wrong

Maybe you think this is part of my quirks

I think so too

I look around at others

And I often think

I want to be like them

I am jealous

I am anxious

I am greedy

I am prideful

I dance with the devil

The seven deadly sins cheer me on

Around and around we go

Constantly repeating the same circles

Over

Over

Over again

My heart is chained to my brain

Captive to the dark crevices within

Shrouded every waking moment with fear

Stripped of natural feelings

Longing to find the key

Longing to be free

So how can I tell you

When the solution lies within me?

Mommy never loved me

She left me and Daddy

She never even said goodbye

Daddy once told me she was a lovey lady

I nodded in agreement only so Daddy would be happy

I think he still likes Mommy

I don't have any memories of her

But I don't like Mommy

How could she leave us?

Doesn't she like Daddy anymore?

Well, I like Daddy and that's all that matters

I can tell Daddy is still upset about Mommy

His face is sad every time he talks about her

And sometimes he cries

Daddy doesn't know this but at night when he thinks I'm asleep

I stand outside his door as he slouches over his bed with his hands clasped

I listen to him as he sniffles

Every so often he rubs his hands together

The sound of metal clinks and grinds together within his hands

I often wonder if he is secretly a cyborg

One with metal arms that can shoot lasers out of his palms

And has tools secretly hidden within his fingers...

But I always hope he's not getting a cold

I want to hug him but I can't

He gets angry when I stay up past my bedtime

He doesn't show it, but I can tell

Before I retreat to my room, I write Daddy a message on a sticky note saying,

"i luv yoo" with a smiley face at the bottom beside my name

I stick it on the fridge

I see Daddy's candy sitting on the counter, and I decide to steal a handful

I feel guilty that I took Daddy's candy wihout permission

But I remind myself what the old people on TV taught me

'You can't sleep on an empty stomach'

One night, I decided to ask Daddy

"Where is Mommy?"

I was snuggled into my bed

My teddy bear, Mr. Snuffles, was snuggled in beside me under my sheets

I named him in the hopes that he would take away Daddy's tears

And instead, replace them with happiness

His fur tickled my skin

Daddy pecked my forehead

He leaned back and sat rigidly straight

His shoulders relaxed but slouched like a defeated warrior

Poor Daddy...

"She's moved on to a happier place..." he croaked.

His tired eyes stared directly into mine

Daddy looked like he might cry but he held his face firm

I leaned in and hugged him around his neck

I still didn't believe him

How could she be happy without me and Daddy?

My heart is limited

It can only hold so much

Yet it holds what is most important to me

It holds you

You are the rhythm to my heart

When you frown, my stomach drops

When you are injured, my heart aches

When you smile, my heart leaps out of my chest

Oh, that smile

The purity in that smile shines as bright as a child's

What I would do so you can smile for all of your life!

Whenever you need me the most, I will always be by your side

Call and I will come

I will be your sunshine on a rainy day

Your shoulder to cry on when times are sad

Your friend to talk to when you are unsure

I will help you along the way

So do not worry

Instead, please

Please smile