Yesterday was one year and five months.

I can't tell you how many days

because I lost count.

I can tell you that the need is always there like a nagging poke at the back of my mind but for one year and five months I had been able to ignore it. I had been able to push it aside.

But yesterday was different.

Don't ask me why because in all honesty I wouldn't be able to tell you.

It's hard enough for me to understand even after so many years of battling my bipolar disorder and depression.

One year and five months went down the drain... literally as I watched the blood go down the drain right after it.

Yesterday, it felt good to feel numb after letting my addiction take over.

Yesterday, I knew that today would be a numbing, draining day with my thoughts and guilt. I knew that the need would once again become a nagging poke because I couldn't let it come to the forefront of my mind again.

I was right.

Yeterday was one of the worse days I've had in a long time.

I wouldn't be able to tell you why and what triggered it because I don't know.

What I can tell you is that today is

Day One...

Room full of people. Mouths moving. Scenes fast forwarding. Alone.

Smiles everywhere. Mouths moving more. Scenes changing slowly. Feeling nothing but alone.

Loving eyes staring. His beautiful mouth moving. Holding tight. Alone.

Scratching at chest. Pounding at head. Demanding to not feel alone.

Beautiful eyes staring. Little hands holding tight. Little mouths moving. Desperate to not feel alone.

How do you word something that you feel every minute of every day? How do you word something that you have written about for years? The words keep repeating just like the war in your head. You've been strong. Held your head high and never let that war affect you like you did before. But you feel that break down coming. It's getting harder to keep a smile on your face. It's getting harder to breath and that pounding in your head is louder than it was yesterday. You feel yourself slowly start losing that war and tears start falling down. It's not a choice to give up. It's not possible. You have two little hearts depending on you so you wipe the tears away. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Open your eyes and keep fighting.

It's only pain I can control.

Telling myself to calm down over and over again doesn't work.

Breathing seems possible afterwards.

The shame and pain appears when he looks into my eyes as he kisses my scars.

It becomes unbearable I hear "Mommy, are you okay?" "I kiss it better" and see all the love in their eyes.

So, I fight for them. Only them.

Maybe, just maybe later I can finally fight for myself.

My heart aches.

My head spins.

Lost in this never-ending war

with the monster in my head.

Breathing seems harder than

it was just a bit ago.

My eyes avoid the mirror in fear

of what might stare back.

Loneliness creeps in like the devil that it is and wipes the hope away from me.

Worthiness of their love too far to feel.

My faith the only thing holding me

to this earth.

Things end when we least expect it. It's something that can not be stopped.

Friendship.

Love.

Life.

They all end.

At first it's scary but after many times it becomes something you expect, something you wait for, almost yearn to happen. You begin to feel it would better to be alone.

To have nothing.

There's no pain in nothing.

No loss.

But it's a lie.

You find yourself suffering more than ever before. Everyone, everything gone. Pushed away from you.

By you.

Alone.

It hurts more than things ending another way but you wanted it this way.

Didn't you?

The scars, pain and tears got worse. So, you sit there thinking that maybe if you end one more thing it would be better...

But that's a lie too.

It's an addiction that I never thought was possible. I yearn for it the most when everything seems to be out of my control.

My vision blurs as my chest burns and breathing seems impossible. One, two, five, six movements from my hand and the crimson gives me the illusion that I'm in control again.

The numbness kicks in and the burning, blurring pain is gone.

I can breath.

But it's all an illusion...