She was getting desperate. She wanted a child really badly, she had wanted one for a long time. She also wanted to marry really badly. She wanted to marry Gawain, though he seemed hesitant. So she wondered if she could evade the curse, and was severely tempted to run away with him. She was alone, and deliberating, and falling, when a raven of Moros came and perched on her bed post. It said, “I have come from Moros.”

She asked, “I thought Moros himself came after the deed, not sending a raven before.”

The raven said, “Light has ordered me to be sent. You know not what you plan, for no mortal wish could put one above the Law of Light. Light sees all, he knows more than your mind can ever fathom; he is beyond the most powerful of created creatures.”

“Do you know the deep yearning in me? Twas placed there by him himself, in the order of his nature. What shall I do?”

“If thy wish be claimed wrongly, the Dark will claim you; if thy wish be gained rightly, the Dark will tremble.” And the raven left. She remembered then the Doom of Twilight, and resolved not to delve deeper. There must be another way.

Seven years old

Secret admirer

Plastic cheap toys from the dollar store

Too hard of a trier

First grade fling

Love at first sight

A small red ring from his heart

Throw it away without a fight

‘That girl is a monster’, he said

He’s the one I liked

Young hearts hurt but they don’t break

Why did I even try?

Four years after I tried once more

He swung the other way and I fled

My heart burst when he declared it

Never trying it again

I was somewhere between the devil's hand and the angel's call,

unsettled in my rippling skin and waiting to tear into it to reveal the new parts underneath. I remember stepping up to the edge, putting my foot down on the half-floor and stepping off to fall into the descending hell of screams and waved hands.

And then I closed my eyes, closed my eyes to the dark that consumed me as I fell within it. I had accepted the animal within me, batting away at the seraphim's behest, telling her I was mindful, but I was two cents shy of expending that bit of myself too. Two cents shy.

Upon the reveal of my eyes to the light, my lashes overshadowed them and my pupils dilated like a wolf set on prey and I saw the blur of peach colored skin and some other auburn colored hair before wicked thoughts flew through me. Agitation building, rising, but I tamped it down to reduce the glory so as to not make my satisfaction feel underdone and I struck her. Not twice, but once.

I snorted to myself, laughing in short, and then watched the unbridled rage pop out of her before I saw her jump at me and I was ready to leap back and assault her face once more if she laid hands on me before our argument turned towards the center of itself. Another woman. The woman neither of us could come to agreement on and yet I scowled at her presence, knowing she'd be nothing of what I wanted or what I expected, but she'd take the insults all the same.

Had I been aware, I would have known that I wasn't cowed by this woman, no- I had felt remarkable pity for her that she took every insult hurled, demanded respect and did nothing to show for it and I took off out of reach. I remember there being some catch of two fists, more hands, and then the assault of my victory turning to ash on my tongue to prove not just one instance of hatred turned real to be, but a shocking two.

I never thought I could hate her. I told myself otherwise, demanded my mind make some sort of amend to the simple sentence that might have even slipped from my lips, but who was I but an emotionally destitute girl playing with the mentality of jail versus homelessness for freedom from such a despicable set of women. No amount of money in this god-forsaken family could twist me to bend over backwards to create some façade that I would ever think otherwise.

With foolish hope he crossed the land

The wretch who sought the maiden's hand

Beneath the shell that he had grown

He called with voice that was his own

His desperate hope was not returned

As what he asked for was not earned

Not worthy or familiar, he

Hoped for what was not to be

The shell he grew he finally knew

To take his heart and cloud his view

And as his head fell in his hands

He laughed, became an evil man

7th grade me had no idea that everything that comes after will impact me forever.

I shouldn't blame myself, because I didn't know better. All I ever wanted at that time were friends. Throughout my entire childhood, I was a lonely child. No one ever wanted to be friends with me. And when people did want to be friends with me, they would immediately find someone better. Someone that doesn't do the things that I do. I acted weird. I stim in front of them. They shame me for it. I talk about things that I like. They shamed me for it. I'm too happy. I'm too happy-go-lucky. So I stayed emotionless. I sat alone on the swings, wondering why no one wanted to interact with me. Am I scary to them? Is there... something wrong with me? I remember coming home every single day, wishing I wasn't lonely like this. Wishing I had friends, like everyone else. Wishing I was someone else. Someone better. Someone popular. Someone happier.

And when a girl asked me to hang out with them during lunch, I felt like I won the lottery. No one ever asked me to hang out with them before. Of course, I accepted, because all I ever wanted was to talk to someone. It was the first Christmas present that actually lasted forever. In my memories. But of course, I didn't know better. Back then, I didn't know a singular "Yes" would lead me to typing out this essay right now.

At first, it was wonderful. At first, I felt like I was finally accepted into this terrifying society. I mean, that was all I ever wanted, right?

Fast forwarding to April. Suddenly, her friend was about to "out" me for my sexuality. I panicked, of course. I didn't want anyone else to know. Even though I specifically told them to not tell anyone else... they did. They weren't so accepting about my sexuality in the first place. I felt pathetic for even telling them in the first place. I quickly stopped being friends with them---it was entirely an impulse decision. But it was only her friend, and my friend must be better, right?

Fast forward to summer. God. It. Was. The. Worst. I thought I had a supportive friend who would understand me. Or maybe she was and I got the wrong idea of her. When I was excited about something and I would go and tell her, she would respond with, "K...?" That immediately deflated my happiness. Hm, I thought to myself. Maybe she had a bad day. Just a bad day. It didn't stop there. She would constantly judge me for things I couldn't control. Next, she would pressure me to reveal information that I don't even want to share. And yet I felt pressured to answer just so she could be happy. She wants to know everything I'm doing, and she would even try to control my future as well. She wants it her way and her way only. She would also try to belittle people's feelings, making it seem like their feelings don't matter at all. Like her feelings were superior and others' were not. Not to mention, comparing her mental health to mines so it makes it seem like her mental health is worse.

I talk about my feelings? She would go, Well, at least you're not having severe panic attacks and having to constantly battle severe depression. And then I would feel guilty for sharing my feelings because it wouldn't matter anyway. Others dealt with worse.

Also, not to mention, I can't do my own things without "her" permission. As if she lived in a state above me and she really can't do anything about it. If I want to pursue my dream, nope. Cannot unless she approves.

Because of these constant events, I felt worthless. Drained. Exhausted. My problems don't even matter because others have dealt with worse. Thinking that the world would be better if I wasn't there. I feel like I'm overreacting, but it still affected me anyway. These events affected me years later, and it still does to this day. I will never view the world the same way again. I lose my trust in new friends. I isolate myself to avoid any further conflict. I bottle every single soul-crushing feeling from others so no one has to deal with me being a burden.

Which all started because of one single "Yes."

There are multiple details that I left out here because I want to keep this essay clean. Multiples that are actually important, but I'm leaving it out for the sake of the audience who are reading this. In case I trigger anyone.

It was a major tipping point in my life. It changed everything I saw in people forever, and I've practically convinced myself that every person is a bad person that will hurt me. And the only person who's responsible for fixing the damages that were left behind would be me. I'm responsible for letting it go, of course.

And if you were the friend reading this right now...

I don't exactly miss you.

I miss how you were before.

I don't remember very many birthdays before the age of, well, a few years ago. But there is one birthday that I remember that completely changed the way that I looked at my life. Its seemingly unimportant and I may be reaching for some sort of underlying message that doesn't even exist but here it goes:

I can't even recall how old I was turning or which birthday this was, but it was when my parents were still together. The morning was filled with chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream, calls from family members who sang to me on the phone, and I remember getting a limited edition American Girl Doll that looked just like me. She was brand new with light brown hair, and a few freckles- we even added earrings to her ears once I got mine pierced. I felt like we looked so much alike and we shared these traits that made me feel like I was so lucky to have such a great birthday. But once the day ended and the charade that was my birthday depleted, for another 365 days I played with this special doll.

As more and more birthdays went on I started to notice a snag in her clothing, small knots in her hair, and the coloring of her eyes starting to fade. It made me feel like my youth was slowly diminishing just like the freshness of this doll was. Since then, no birthday has felt quite as special, and I can't remember the last time that I truly felt like a carefree kid. Like someone who would wake up with no worries in her mind except whether or not Mom and Dad would make chocolate chip pancakes again or sing me happy birthday together again.

So to me, now birthdays sort of remind me of my American Girl Doll Molly. How we sold her at a garage sale to make more money for my college fund (which I apparently have to save real money for and work an adult job for), and how my childhood innocence seemingly left with her. And with age and birthdays coming and going, I'm constantly wishing I was just a carefree kid again and I didn't have to think about all of the complex things that life continues to throw at me. But I've learned that this life is unforgiving to time, and no matter how nostalgic we may feel towards a special edition doll or a morning full of sugary breakfast food, nothing will ever feel that carefree again.

I've deleted this paragraph four times, let's make it five. Remember when birthdays were fun, happy times? It's a loaded question, how many years I've graced this planet. I've contributed what I can, I'm older than I was then. There are many life lessons to learn, one is how to use the written word. I'll come back to this, I promise, after another decade of remorse, sorrow, discarded drafts and too much bourbon.

I was in my twenties once, living day to day, hoping to survive the decade without succumbing to pain. I hit thirty and realized I'm a third of the way through, if I am lucky. Perhaps it's all happenstance, a roulette of genetics. I take another sip of my drink and watch the condensation drip down the glass, another year in the bag, handed to me with a lemon slice on the edge.

We are all surviving, even if at different tempos. Each year is its own performance, percussion that continues. If the beat goes on, but no one is around to hear it, can you still call it music?

Are you listening to it?