At about 12AM the nostalgia sets in. I start to think differently. It’s a transformation. I’m not quite sure how the science plays into it, but I do know that I transform. I transform from a logical human being to some kind of wild dreamer. I start to think about all my hopes and dreams and long for them more than anything. I start to imagine what my life will look like in 10 years, and sometimes in only 2 months. I think about what it will be like when I actually do live through my dreams. I make up these dreams in such vivid detail that it feels like I have lived through them. I feel a nostalgia for what is to come. I love what hasn’t happened. I know it’s probably not good. I should live in the moment. I shouldn’t think too far ahead. But isn’t it the hope for what is to come that keeps us going? I think that it is. I think that without a nostalgia for what we have never known, no one would ever get anywhere. No one would ever achieve things if they never dreamed. So here I go again, remembering the future.

I really didn’t have a choice. He had to die. He needed to. The alternative would simply be irritating. Why did I do it? Because he irritated me and so he had to go. You might say I’m insane, but that‘s not true. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. I didn’t do that. I killed one person, one time, and I was expecting him to die, which is exactly what happened. So I am certainly not insane. I didn’t mean to harm him really, but once again, I didn’t have a choice.

“I don’t blame you.” The words slipped out of my mouth almost as easily as an “I’m sorry“ or a “thank you.” It was too easy and I knew I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it beac it was her fault. She left a stupid cigarette on the stupid counter by the stupid paper towels. She left it there and then went for a walk and my baby brother was still inside. My sister was supposed to be watching him while he napped and the rest of the family ran to the store. She‘s 14 so we thought she was mature enough to handle this task. Turns out she wasn’t. Her friend came over and then they were smoking! I don’t know what is wrong with her. Stupid! I can’t believe she would do this! It’s all her fault! Now she’s sobbing on my shoulder begging me for forgiveness. She didn’t mean to. It was an accident. Of course I told her I forgive her. What kind of monster would I be if I told her it was her fault? I love her and I hate her at the same time. I would hate for her to go through the rest of her life believing that it’s her fault that little Tommy is gone, but at the same time I know that it is her fault. So I lie. I lie to her so that she feels better. I’m sorry for the lie, and I know she means her apology, but I can’t do this right now. I can’t handle feeling sorry for her right now because I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself. I‘m so numb at the moment that I can barely hear the words my sister is sayin. I’m sure she’s making excuses and explaining herself and apologizing over and over, but I can’t handle it. I talk like I’m mad at her, and I am, but the truth is that I will forgive her. I do forgive her. I really do. I don’t blame her. I just need time to heal, and I think time is what we will all need.

My feeling doesn’t have a name, or if it does I am not aware of it. The only way I can describe it is by the places that fill me with this feeling. It is the feeling that I get when standing on the edge of things. The edge of the ocean. Where the waves roll as far as the eye can see. The edge of a cliff or high up place. Where I am closest to danger. The edge of a field. Where there is beauty so close. The edge of a fire. Where beauty and pain combine. The edge of a stage. Where people, one of God’s most terrifying creations, are watching me. The feeling is that of hope and awe and fear all at the same time. The rush of adrenaline that pumps through my veins. That is the feeling I live for. That feeling can only be felt on the edge of something. The most amazing parts of life are when I feel that feeling in relation to a decision or change or when thinking about the future. It shows me that I am on the edge of something, and the best is yet to come.

If I could have one chance to find everything I have ever lost, the one thing I would search for would be my spirit. Once upon a time I locked it away in a box because I thought life would be easier without it. I figured if I couldn’t feel then I couldn’t be hurt. If I couldn’t dream then I could no longer be distracted. I could focus on the things everyone said was important. That spirit of mine seemed to be causing more harm than good, so I took matters into my own hands. I was done with being controlled by my hopes and dreams and feelings, and so I let my conscious brain take over. That may have been my worst mistake. I thought things would be better with an analytic brain, but turns out my dreams were the most important part of me. I had the option to burn my spirit, but I didn’t do it. Perhaps I secretly knew that one day I would want it back. I saved that box with my spirit in it and planned on opening it back up one day, but then I lost it. Once I decided I wanted it back, it was too late. It was gone. Maybe one day I’ll find it again.

You live every day the exact same way. Surrounded by people, but not connected with them. You get so close, but you never actually reach them. The clouds never actually part and you never actually see the sun. You swim in a sea of faces but none of them actually see you. You are so alone. Loneliness haunts you day and night. You shouldn’t feel this way. You should be happy. Some people never get to see as many people as you do, and yet you are ungrateful. At least that’s how you feel. But true loneliness isn‘t dependent upon social interaction. True loneliness isn’t the feeling you get when you’re bored and nobody else is hanging out with you. It’s the feeling of darkness that creeps in when you’re trying to fall asleep. It’s the hint of cold that you feel even when snuggled up in a blanket. It’s the feeling of storm clouds on a sunny day. It’s when you have to binge watch TV shows because dealing with your real life is too painful. It’s the fear in the back of your mind that for some reason never leaves. That is loneliness, and you don’t have to be alone to feel it.

My best friend’s birthday was today and in order to surprise her, I showed up at her house with a birthday cake and balloons. She was kind of disappointed that a lot of her friends forgot that it was her birthday, so she was super happy about me coming. It didn’t take a lot of effort on my part, because I was already in town, but to her it meant the world. She told me later that today was the greatest birthday she has ever had. You can never fully know what people are going through, and small acts of kindness can go a long way. Something small and easy can seem like the biggest sacrifice to someone who needs it, so don’t be afraid to show someone some kindness! A birthday is the perfect time to show someone just how important they are!

Exile. Not in the form you might think. I’m not on a deserted island or locked away in a tower, but I have been exiled. Exiled by my friends and my enemies. The worst kind of exile. The kind where everyone has made a mutual agreement to hate you even though you did nothing! Or, at least, you wish you had done nothing. You see it wasn’t really my fault. I was just doing what I had to do. At my old school, nobody liked me. I was a nobody. I decided that at my new school, that wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to be somebody. I dressed nicely, talked nicely, and introduced myself to as many people as I could find, but it made no difference. I was still alone. No one talked to me. No one invited me over to their house. No one asked me to sit with them at their lunch table. I thought all hope was lost, that was until the most popular girl in the school wanted to talk to me. She had noticed that I wanted to be popular, so she made me an offer. She would help me make a ton of friends and become popular, and in return, I would tell her everything I found out from those friends. I would get details about their personal lives, including any gossip or information that could be used as a sort of blackmail, and report it back to her. It felt a little wrong, but I had wanted that for so long. I decided to take her up on her offer. So I went along with it for a little while, but once I became real friends with all of them, it felt more and more wrong to basically sell their information. Of course eventually my conscience got the worst of me, and I had to stop. In response to my quitting. The popular girl decided to make everyone know what I had been doing. As a result of all that coming to light, my friends hated me and my enemies hated me. so here we are. I’m alone once again. Just like I was before. Looks like that got me nowhere. It’s going to be hard, but I know what the right thing to do is. I have to apologize to all my friend. I know they will forgive me, because they‘re good friends. I just have to trust them. Well, here goes nothing.