“I really shouldn’t be doing this, but for you I will.” Out of all the thousands and thousands of words you could have—could have—used, I'm still puzzled, trying to decipher if you know the weight your words hold on me and the intention you could hide between the spaces of the letters. Still, a smile grows on my face every time I recount your words; yesterday didn't feel real. Your words consume my mind, I really can only wish you become certain of your feelings instead of playing mind games, which will only leave one of us scared. But for now, I'll keep my heart a safe distance from you because I'm doing this for you, until you decide to drop the act you play.

Give me just a minute to look around to stop around. I feel too grown now, the seasons have already started to morph into the next. I only desire just a minute; 60 second of just life slowing down. I'm almost halfway through high school, and Im certain I still have life left to live but I can't help and feel if I blink life would pass me by, rapidly leaving me in the dark depths of my past. I only want life to slow down.

My Muse

His captivating eyes the color of a pristine blue were a watercolor masterpiece. The highs and lows of his warm waterfall voice. The enchanting ways he said my name rushed butterflies off my stomach. His beauty exceeds the moon. Everything about my muse felt like an hour of bewitching. My muse wasn’t only my, yet I have accepted that as I know my muse cannot only be mine.

A Pretty Face

With a beautiful face and pristine eyes like yours, it isn’t hard to say

I think I was only physically attracted to you.

Except, a pretty face can only

Take you so far.

Pretty Boy

I could go on and on about how pretty he is.

Thing is that’s all I think I like about him; his beauty. I don't care how shallow it is because it was never anything serious to begin with, so why make it something serious now?

I put him as “pretty Boy”. I was going to do “My pretty Boy” thing is the usage of “my” in this case means I own the pretty Boy or he belongs to me. He doesn't. I doubt he's remotely even interested in me.

I just boost his ego. I call him pretty, beautiful, stunning. All those flattery words as they are the truth. He isn't my. And I'm not his. I could careless if I did date him because I would probably only date him because of his stupidly beautiful face.

Shallow, right? I don't care. I care as much as he cares if I were to disappear off the face of the earth.

Confusing Feelings

I can't think of the last time I felt this stupid; for falling for a guy who will never reciprocate my feelings. For now, I have to learn to swim against the furious waves of these feelings.

All my brain can say in response to admitting I have a crush is shit.

It's all so stupid. Why am I waiting for him to respond? I don't like him. I like his face. I like the idea of him, but at the same time I can't help and be curious about the person behind that beautiful face.

This all so stupid, these words are stupid, my feelings are stupid, I can't form a coherent sentence to describe the annoyance and pain I feel for falling a little too hard for a guy who will never like me back. I feel so stupid. Despite what I saw, maybe, this isn't stupid; maybe it's just confusing.

Feelings

I hate this feeling. Most people call it unrequited love but I don't love him. No, I only like his face remotely more than the average human does. So what if it is a crush. It's stupid and pointless. I think these feelings should die. He's not even interested so what is the point of these feelings. I hate myself for these feelings. I refuse to cry and mourn over something so stupid. As much as I know where the ending of these will go, I can't help but want to dream of a different universe where maybe then—he’ll like me back. I can only dream. I want to be buried alive. I want my heart to be locked up. I want the world to burn. It's so—unfair. I know the truth. That's the worst part. I know he likes another girl. I know he doesn't see me. It's unfair. And at the same time, I can't change him. I can't change the person he is. I can't do anything about these feelings. I don't know what to do with this. My heart screams for him and my mind is preparing for the worst. I feel so stupid for feeling these unknown feelings.

His Disgustingly Beautiful Face

I saw on someone’s Snapchat story, a photo of people who had medals and a trophy in cross country. You were there. You, and your stupid—stupid—stupidly beautiful face were there. Out of people I could have had interest in, it had to be of you. There is no defense for scum like me, for I only was enamored with your face. Everything else I hadn’t considered because of your beautiful face. I semi wonder what would have happened a week ago if I had not decided to take more interest in you. Instead of calling your shoulder cool, I intended to say it was a scandalous photo. Looking back, I knew what I was getting into. I already knew you weren’t one for me and I wasn’t the one for you. Still, a part of me did fall a bit for you. Crazy, right? I barely knew anything about you. I can’t wait for second semester. I’ll never see you again. I’ll be set free. Until then, I can’t hate but still love your disgustingly beautiful face.

I'm on Day 27 (February 19) of no contact and these are the exact questions I think about whenever my friends say "he looked at you again..."

(no day 28, February 20)

Day 29 (February 21) of no contact, god I've never realized how I smile more when I don't have you in my life.

Day 30 (February 22) of no contact, I'm so glad our paths never cross each other anymore.

Day 31 (February 23) of no contact, I sometimes find myself wondering about you and your stupid smile; we never even said goodbye but that's just life.

Day 32 (February 24) of no contact, I've never been happier to be me than today.

Day 33 (February 25) of no contact, you were my beautiful stranger 6 monyhs ago; and now you're just someone who knows too much about me.

Day 34 (February 26) of no contact, why do you look at me? Leave me alone. Get me away from your terrifying gaze that I used to crave. I really wish you the best in life; and I hope I never get to hear about it.

Day 35 (February 27) of no contact, me and "S" share a third period for school. I see him. He sees me, probably. If you want to know the truth, I still think he's cute...

Day 36 (February 28) of no contact, I smile just as big and if not even bigger now that you're gone. I'm so happy.

Day 37 (February 29) of no contact, your prescence still haunts me.

Day 38 (March 1) of no contact, I finally realized it in English class; I don't feel anything towards you. My anger? Gone. These chains of confusion? Unshackled, left it behind. I am so happy; but at the same time, I am stunned, I can't believe it.

Day 39 (March 2) of no contact, that basketball you meant to throw to your friend, which accidentally hit me in the back of the head while playing volleyball was only funny to me because it hit me. I want to say sorry to the girl who used to really like you, she deserved better.

Day 40 (March 3) of no contact, I'm looking back at your texts, "S", and who knew that we knew so much about each other, but we still defined ourselves as "strangers"

I'm glad you were never mine.

Day 41 (March 4) of no contact, I haven't been happy in a while, I'm laughing so hard as you turned your entire head to look at me and this one friend, I had told you about, when me and him were talking in the art room.

Day 42 (March 5) of no contact, I'm so proud of myself for making it this far without you. Hell, "S", if it weren't for the actions somene did to me, making me lose the guy I thought I was going to end up marrying; then I don't think I would have reached to you for the third (and last) time.

Day 43 (March 6) of no ctonact, sometimes I do forget to update the days (a sign that I am slowly forgettinf you, even if we do see each other everyday) with notifications of people that remind me, maybe people do read these days. I really liked today, March 6, despite the rainy weather; it gave me comfort, is this what it's like to move on?

Day 44 (March 7) of no contact, I might still talk about what happened with you but I know I have moved on. I'm just retelling the tale, seeing it in a new light. I'm just looking back at myself, laughing about how caught in my feelings I was; being a stupid teenager.

Day 45 (March 8) of no contact, I can't tell if I want a relationship anymore or if I'm just fine alone. I'm still yapping about what hapenned since I kept our story to myself in its final stretch; I guess 6 months was a lot with you.

Day 46 (March 9) of no contact, I am haunted with the fear of crossing paths with you again. I think it's weird, I mean it as isn't it strange to be scared of a ghost? His ghost. Are you scared of my name? Are you scared to hear of my name? Do you flinch when you hear my name? I can only wonder.

Day 47 (March 10) of no contact, I promised yo you ("S") those birthday videoes I made for my favorite teacher; too bad, I'll never get to it.

Everyone I get close with will know your name; and I can only hope they come to realize how hurt I was because of you.

Day 48 (March 11) of no contact, I am sitting here in my health class. Still pondering, still giving entertainment to the thought of if you flinch at the sound of my name or if you're also haunted by my ghost, but all I can do is wonder.

Day 49 (March 12) of no contact, I forgot to mention that "S" got this haircut, reminding me of a haircut I told him back in December. I said it was my favorite hair cut on a guy, telling him everything and why; it's just coincidence though.

The day of counting of no contact might have start on 27, but in reality he just left on the day of an important competition I told him about. I'll post more writing I did awhile back that might shed light on my story that I'm slowly retelling. Don't worry, I've realized now, the sun is shining and the grass is green; I am smiling and I am healing. That's all. Thank you for reading.

A burning passion, an unwavering desire for his attention, a small spark that blew up into an engulfing flame that would later consume every bit of the girl I once was. From the start of the story, I already knew we couldn't be friend. Despite knowing how the story ends, I feigned ignorance; so did he because lying to each other was better than to admit we were both dying. I still look longingly at the girl who was brave enough to be straightforward with her feelings. I don't remember the last time I saw her. Even as the flame settles, I can't help what wonder what were we? Less than strangers because we talked everyday, during school, in the morning before school, in the afternoon when you were on the bus, late up until the night settle; up until you left without a trace, no note left in my hands, nothing. Some could say acquaintances, but I couldn't talk to you face to face; and I already knew he wouldn't. Not friends either, since friends are the people you hang on close to, the people you share your biggest secrets with, and the people you tell everything to. This "whatever" as I refer to it was short, but the time we spent together felt long. We talked everyday, I told him everything, and then it ended. I just want to let this story die; to burn and bring back the girl I once was. I want her back. I want her back more than I want him back. Our path got lost among the looming trees, grass fighting amongst the wind, and the daffodils weeping their hearts out as I did too when you left. Belonging amongst your memories never suited the whimsical life I live. Walking down the smooth, inanimate path you trailed was never the life I wanted. When he stole the girl I was, locking her up in a bird cage, forever meant to sit idly waiting, was when I forgot what I wanted aside from him. I used to keep count of the days of no contact, I've forgotten now. But I think it's better for this "whatever" to be over than for me to be string along a rope I thought was fate. Whispers in my heart beg for me to incinerate this thing, to let it die; I think it's time I stop rereading the pages of a half sewed together book. All he's become is somebody that I used to know, I'm sick of waiting for his love. I am just going to lay this story in the place it belonged; into the fire of the past, to burn, giving birth to the new verison of me. Have you seen her?

I never allowed myself to shed tears over you. Not once. I never once allowed myself to grieve over everything that went down. It's been 26 days. I am not drowning in grief, however, I am thankful for the journey we had. Through the good and bad, I still had fun with you. The only words I wish I could say to you are, “I hope you had fun spending your time talking to me too."

Thank you for being in my life. While the wound may hurt, I already believe that I'll be fine; without you.

Two different individual.

Too different individual.

Together, the two of us were too different to be more than just ‘individual’ to each other.

Too much time I spent alone in my room, getting all lovesick all over my bed.

Too much time we wasted on this weird journey together.

Two different stories, only one known ending.

Was it even about us being too different? Or is it how I am too much for you to handle?

Was it ever about us being just two individuals who were more than individuals but less than friends? Or is it how we both played the nonchalant game?

I don’t think it was about any of these weird rhetorical questions. There’s only one fact the two of us both know, a fact that is too true; together we were unhappy. Unhappily together as two.

If two people cant stay away from each other, maybe they aren’t suppose to stay away.

In a way, this might my string of hope I’m clenching onto. This string of “We keep seeing each other, everyday, what if we aren’t suppose to be away from each other” Entangled my brain, trapping it in the memories of you; you who refuses to stay in my memories as you showed up today and ruined things. I want to desperately put you in the You pass on by me like I didn’t spill my guts to you. I pass on by you like I didn’t waste 6 months on you. We just pass each other by. Except, I don’t want to pass on by you as if we were only strangers because I know sure as hell, we were more than that; and yet I know sure as hell we were less than friends. I just you want you to stay in my memories. I don’t want you to show up in my life because you ruined things. You’ll be put into the past, but until the day comes where you graduate (2025) please stay away from me. Please.

You knew I liked Taylor Swift. Because you were a football fan, I'm sure you already knew who Travis Kelsie is. 2/11/24 was the day of the Super Bowl. I'm sitting here, pondering which team younwere rooting for; of course, I was rooting fornrje Chiefs. It's these silly thoughts that keep me up. It's these silly thoughts that keep reminding it's over. It's been over for almost a half month. You knew I liked Taylor Swift. Because you were a football fan, I wish I could brag it into your face about the Chiefs winning; if you were rooting for the 49ers. 2/11/24 is the day I wanted to talk to you most; a part of me still misses you.