Most Nights
I'm up most nights thinking.
Thinking of what could have been.
Thinking of what I should have said.
Thinking of what is different.
With you gone,
I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost and empty
Inside.
Ever since you left,
There's a hole
Where half my soul
Was once nested.
I can't help but
Try to fill the void.
With lust and
Friendly love.
If I could go back,
To when the problems arose,
I would and I would fight.
Fight harder for us.
I miss you everyday.
I think about you everyday.
You're truly my soulmate.
I love you more even though
you're
gone.
Late Nights
Late nights spent texting.
Late night spent calling.
Late nights spent laughing.
Late nights spent crying.
We've all shared at least two of these types of
Late nights with the ones
We care for deeply.
The ones we never want
To see any type of harm come to;
Whether it be physical or emotional.
These people are the ones you miss
Talking to after two minutes of
Them hanging up the phone or
Not replying to a message.
They're the ones you
Find comfort in talking to.
You may not realize
Right away who these people are.
But they're the ones who are
There through the thick and thin.
The ones who would never
Dream to abandon you.
Late nights spent talking to these people
Are the ones that remind me that there
Is still good in the world.
There through the thik and thin.,
Not every girl is a bitch.
That I am loved, when I feel most alone.
Late nights spent crying.
Late night spent laughing.
Late nights spent calling.
Late nights spent texting.
Late nights with you.
Last Kiss: Her Side
March 20, 2019; A date I won’t soon forget. The night was dark and chill as I stepped out my front door to meet my friend. I walked to the end of the driveway with an idiotic smile upon my face and no shoes on my feet. It had only been a few months since I’d last seen him, but it felt like an eternity. He got out of his car and threw a grey hoodie - his grey hoodie - at me. Surprisingly, I caught it before it hit the ground. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. In the cold air, his body against mine felt like a furnace heating a room. After talking for a bit, we momentarily went inside. Next thing I knew the cold air was against my skin again, as we went for a walk in my neighborhood. I remember he picked me up and I begged do be put back on the ground. Though now? I wish I was back in his arms. Even though I hate being picked up, I felt safe in his arms. We found ourselves at a childs playgrouns around 9 o’clock at night. I sat on the ground, watching him momentarily play before-
“Is that optioin for bringing you the hoodie still on the table?” He asked softly looking from the star-filled sky to me.
I looked at him, a smirk on my face, “Depends. Can you remind me what that was?”
“You know.” Was all he replied.
I glanced at his lips as I bit mine. I didn’t want to be the one to kiss him first, but I figured I’d have to be. I put a hand on his cheek and we both leaned in. His soft lips met my chapped ones. A rush of emotion washed over me as I lost myself in the kiss. I had pulled away to lean onto his shoulder, in hopes of hiding the smile on my face. About thirty minutes later, I pulled away from him, almost breathless. Soon after I pulled away, we began our trek back to my house. Once there, I pulled him out of view of the camera on my doorstep to give him a final kiss. Only, I didn’t know that this would be our last kiss. His hand on my cheek, sliding toward the back of my neck to pull me closer. Our lips meeting the others halfway, as if they fit together perfectly; As if they knew what to do. My hand running through his soft, silky hair. A whispered “I love you,” with the response of a deeper kiss.
That’s how I’ll always remember
our
last
kiss.
P.S. I love you. I sincerely hope you’re doing well.
Love is like Quicksand
"That's it!" she sits up straight, abruptly. You can see the imprints of the boards on her skin. "That's why they say you fall into love, because it's, like, terrifying. Think of something that you can fall off or into that isn't scary. You can't! Right? So it's basically falling into the worst thing; love, quicksand. And you can't get out of it. The more you try, the more it drags you in. Then you're stuck and the sand goes over your fave and you're trying to breathe in much and you know you're going to die and then you do. That would be a terrible way to die, right? The worst thing I can think of."
-Quote from You Are the Everything by Karen Rivers
Frustration takes over
Why does he just
Keep looking at his
Phone and ignoring me?
- - -
Lost and alone.
Confused and upset.
Where to go
From here?
Where to run?
- - -
Lost, but secure.
Found, but confused.
- - -
The tears sting my eyes,
But none fall down my cheek.
Focus on one place. It help.
Don't let them see your weakness.
Don't ever let them see your tears.
Love or Lust?
What is this emotion
That I tend to feel
When he's around me?
Is it love or is it lust?
Loss of breath and
The quickening of a
Heartbeat.
Does he feel love or lust?
Love and lust
Often get confused
With each other.
Which do I feel?
Can you fall into lust
As you can love or
Do you just feel lust?
Which do I feel?
I don't think I've ever been as
Lost as I feel right now.
No one has ever
Broken such a vow.
Feeling lost and alone.
I should be used to this.
It's not like I've grown
Used to being wanted.
I honestly don't know where
I'm going with this
The words just appear there
And somewhat make sense.
I don't know what
I'm doing anymore.
Feeling alone and scared.
Maybe I close the door...
To life? To writing?
To music? To love?
Close the door without fighting?
For what I need the most?
Just a Fling
Have you ever thought you knew someone?
Like, really knew them?
Well, I have, and let me tell ya they weren't anyone
You want to be associated with.
Silence says more than words.
Silence shows the disbelief and
Things left to be inferred.
But it was all way off.
I thought they loved me.
I thought they really cared.
But now I'm glad we
Didn't carve our names in a tree.
Old songs that meant something
Playing on the radio,
But I guess I was just a fling.
None of those meant what they said.
The Library
Torunn entered the vast library. She was in search of a book to help her heal her father who was dying. She looked around the entry way. She walks up to the front desk. She looks around, not seeing anyone there. *Where is the librarian?* She thought to herself and rung the bell that was sitting on the desk. A man walked out of a doorway behind the desk.
“Welcome to the Library. How may I help you?” He asked, his voice oddly familiar to her.
“Yeah, I’m looking for a book written in Norse.” Torunn replied, not looking up.
“Written in Norse? Ahm… well… you might want to take a Elder Edda maybe… although… wait… follow me, I have an idea.”
Torunn nodded and followed the guy. He lead her through vast hallways, down a long winding staircase, past long wooden shelves filled with thousands of books. He then grabbed a book from one. It was bound in leather, a huge thing, and heavy .
“Here… this is a copy of the Snorra-Edda, originating from Snorri Sturlusson. It dates back to 1220, roundabout, written in old Norse. Maybe that what you are looking for?”
Her eyes lit up and widened with excitement. She had been looking for this book for 100 years, maybe even longer. She looks at the man and grins.
“How much do you want for it?” She asked, knowing very well that she was in a library, not a bookstore, but she needed to own that book. She needed it to save her father.
“How much?” He asked. It took him a while to understand, he then smiled and shook his head. “Oh, I am sorry. Nothing here is for sale. This is the library. Not just your average bookstore. Books come here. And they never leave.” There was something strange in the way he said that.”
“Sir, you do not understand…. I need this book. I… I’ve been looking for it for a hundred y- weeks.” She catches herself almost tell the man a hundred years.
“You may read it here, as often as you want, as long as you wish to. If you need a copy… well, this is also possible. Just register yourself and there will be a digital copy delivered to you within a month. But this book… it will stay here ’till kingdom come.”
Torunn looked the man up and down. Something was oddly familiar about him, and it wasn’t just his voice. He reminded her of a librarian she had met in Ancient Egypt, when she first came to Midgard. ‘Could it be?’ She thought, ‘No… he’s dead.’
“I don’t need a copy. I need this copy. It’s life or death.”
“Life or death?” He chuckled, ringing a bell in her memories. “What do you know about real death? A body is meant to die. Ideas are meant to persist. Unless… some hideous, ignorant fool comes with steel and torch to wipe them out, like they did back in Old Alexandria…”
Torunn looked into the man’s eyes. ‘Old Alexandria… I was there for that. So was he… But he’d be dead by now. He was mortal… Not a god.’ She unknowingly clenched her fists. ‘This can’t be happening.’
“Yes life or death. I know all about real death. I’ve seen it too many times and I’m not about to let it happen again, please just let me take the book. I’ll bring it back.” She said. ‘In a hundred years or so,’ she thought in her head. The man shook his head, a stern expression in his face.
“Not for the sake of creation itself. This place is the library. Books won’t leave it.” He sighed, “Look, I understand you are in pain, you are in a hurry, and you have a matter that is urgent to you. You are about to save something or someone very dear to you, right? But you have to understand that this book cannot come with you. If you need anything from it, here is the place to lay your hands on it.”
She sighed and looked at the man. “Please. I need this book. If I don’t take this with me then a lot of people are going to die, and quickly too.” She used the same excuse she had used in Alexandria before a strange man met her and the librarian, then burnt down the library.
“People die all the time. This world alone is inhabited by seven billions of them. They die like flies, and get born like rats. On an individual scale, there is a tragedy in every single death. But seen from above, this is but dust in the wind.”
“Sir, you really don’t understand. Thousands of people. Gone. I can’t let that happen, so please. Please let me take the book with me.”
“And if it was thousands of worlds… I couldn’t, as much as I wish I could help you. Even I cannot remove a single page from this place, let alone a whole tome. This is not just any library. This is the library.” His face was growing pale. “You will summon disaster if you try what I see in your eyes.”
She looked at him and thought a moment. Her uncle had taught her an illusion trick. She sighed as if in defeat, “Fine… I promise not to take it out of this building.” She said then thought, ‘That you know of.’
The man sighed in relief, “If there is anything you are looking for in it, maybe I can help you find it?”
“I can find it.” She replied a bit harsly.
“Your choice. Shall I lead you to a quiet place for your studies?”
“That would be appreciated.”
“Follow me.” He said.
He lead her not that far. They finally reached the small room with a table, two chairs, and even a green plant. There is water available to drink, and the lighting is surprisingly warm there. Torunn looked around the room, fascinated by the warmth she felt in the rather cold building. ‘Is magic being used here?’ She questioned in her head before facing the man.
“Do you need anything else?”
“No.” She replied simply and looks the man up and down again, “Well…. Actually, yes there is.”
“And what would that be?”
“How old are you?”
He grinned like a boy, “What good would it do you to know my age? What would you guess? Maybe… early twenties?”
“Well, you seem to know a lot about Old Alexandria, so I’d say a few hundred thousand years.”
He grinned broadly, “We met there before, right? Let me guess, you are the thunderer’s daughter, if I am not mistaken. You have his eyes. And his fire.”
She didn’t seem as amused as he was. ‘I thought he was dead! I spent… No, I can’t tell him this.’ “We have.” She replied simply, “I thought you were dead.”
“I am. Well, sort of. The man you met in Alexandria died in the fired that the Roman torch put to the first incarnation of this place. But… well, it turned out to be very difficult to burn an idea. And here I am.”
“Then you should be able to understand why I need this book.”
“But you should understand why I can’t let you have it. And there is no ‘I don’t want to’ in ‘I cannot.’”
“Please…” She sounded broken in that moment, “I need it.”
“I know. I… Lord of Letters, I damn well know you need it. But there is no way you could bring it out of here. After the fire,” He paused and sighed, “the rules have been changed dramatically.”
In a moment of anger, she slammed her fists on the table. “GOD DAMMIT!” She’d taken up much of the Midgardian slang, as opposed to when they first met, when she had just come to Midgard.
“Coming from a goddess, that sounds so… weird, don’t you think so?”
She looked at the man with a murderous rage in her eyes, “I need this book and it’s coming with me.”
“Thunderer’s daughter you are indeed.” He sighed, “Here, take it. And if you can make it out here with it, see this as the price for this challenge.”
“You know nothing of my father, you coward.” She replied.
Suddenly there was an icy tone in his voice, “Maybe, but do not call a man a coward who has willingly sacrificed his life to keep civilization from burning to ashes so many times. It seems you don’t want to understand, and you have the right to keep it this way. But don’t jump before you have seen the bottom of the pit.”
She grinned, ‘There he is.’ She thought then said, “Glad to see you’re yourself again. Even if it is momentarily.” She put the book down on the table, or at least, a realistic illusion of one. The real one invisible in her hand.
“I will never be myself again. But that doesn’t matter. I have given up quite much , but it was worth it. So… my offer is still open. If you need anything that I can give you, just let me know.”
“Come with me. Don’t stay here. We both know this doesn’t suit you anymore.”
“Come with you? To what end? I am not a warrior. At least not in the way you are one. You go out there with sword and armor, defending those you love in open battle. I am here. I serve the Keeper of this place, and together we make sure that knowledge gets where it is needed. I… I am bound to this place.”
“The man I knew was as great of a warrior as he was a librarian. He fought by my side for many years.” She looks down, “I’ve been alone since I thought that man died. Please come with me. We could have new adventures. “
He threw her a long, sad look. Suddenly the air was filled with the sounds of merchants screaming, the smell of camels and spices, and the feel of burning hot dust in the sun. He is no longer wearing a grey suit, but an ancient Egyptian warriors armor, a long sword on his back, and the fierce determination of one of the Pharaoh’s elite men.
“You still remember Aman Amaroth, do you?” His voice was deeper and at the same time it seemed to come from afar, like it was waving through space and time.
“How could I forget the man I love?” She replied sadly. She looked at the man, tears stinging her eyes. “A part of me died that day.”
“And a part of you has always been here with me, Eashi’ga. Always, but…” He trailed off.
The scenery changed. Now there was fire. Flames reaching for the heavens, melting stars and stone alike. Amidst all of this was the warrior. His fingers clenched around a statue of Amun Ra, while his body slowly faded to ashes.
“I am no longer free, Torunn. Nothing survived that fire. No scroll. No man.”
‘Not for much longer my love.’ She thought as a tear fell down her cheek. “Aman, please… Come with me.” She begs.
The pictures faded again, leaving nothing but the young man in his grey suit. He stepped forward, catching the tear with his finger. “What happens to a dream if you remove it from the dreamer’s head?”
“It… no longer exists.”
“Then you know what happens to everything that leaves this place. Including myself.” The sadness in his eyes was like a bottomless pit. “I can be yours here, and I will be until the great dreamer awakens and ends all creation, but until then…”
Another tear escaped her eyes and she quickly wiped it away. ‘What am I doing? Crying like a fool.’ She thought before turning away from the man. She couldn’t let anyone see her cry. It just wasn’t something she could allow herself to do.
“Then… I guess this is goodbye.” She heard herself say with no emotion.”
“I wish it wasn’t, but I am just a dream. Who cares for what I wish?”
“I care. Even if you may be just a dream, you’re still real to me. I’m sorry Aman.” She whispered before she began to walk away.
“Farewell, Torunn. Return to me, fi you wish to. And may you find a better dream somewhere else…” He said. He stood there, not moving a muscle as he watched her \walk away.
“You’re the only dream I could ever wish for,” She said turning back to him.
“Then, I will search this library and all that is in it for a way to come true one day.”
“I know exactly where to find it.” She said as she glanced at the illusion of the real book
“That’s one of the things that always fascinated me the most about you… You see hope, where others see nothing but despair.”
“I’ve seen enough despair in my life, my love. The hope you see… It’s merely longing for what I once had.”
“I am immortal, as long as I am in your heart. And we immortals do have the time to find solutions…”
“I’ve found one, my love.” She replies, “I’ll be back for you. I promise.”
“I’ll wait here, even if it takes forever, Eashi’ga.”
“It won’t be forever. I’ll be back soon.”
“I will count every blink of my eyes until you are with me again.”
She took a step toward him, “I love you Aman. And I swear on Odin’s beard I’ll be back for you.”
He took a step forward as well, “You don’t have to swear on anything. Your word is more to me than all the truth’s in all the universe.”
“Goodbye, my love. Till we meet again.” She said wiping away another tear.
“Farewell, my love. My heart. My life and death.”
Torunn started toward the door one more time. He stood there, knowing that she had to go, as much as he wished that she wouldn’t. She turned to look at him one more time before disappearing out the door. As she walked out the library, she couldn’t help but feel eyes upon her. She raised her head a bit higher, ready for a fight if one were to come. ‘He’s dead, but alive. I have to bring him back.’ She thought. She soon reached the long hallway that directed to the main gate, where she had entered the Alexandria library long ago. The feeling of being watched grew stronger with every step she took.
She had stashed the book away in a little pocket of the universe so she could grab it whenever she needed it. Her hand moved to her sword. Suddenly, the sound of giant wings filled the air. A single word echoed through her mind, ‘Abadaan.’ She shook her head, ‘Ignore it, Torunn. You’re almost out. Then you can save them.’ She thought. Nobody came to stop her, or attack her. The wings faded and she stepped through the gates into the streets whence she had come, but something felt… wrong. She felt a pain her her head.
“Stop it.” She harshly whispered to herself.
She kept walking, there was still nobody coming to attack her. No forces of darkness were summoned upon her. It felt like she had just woke up from a dream, and now the nightmares were fading into nothing. She went back to her apartment. She went to pull the book out of the little pocket of the universe. As she reached for the book, all she grabbed was thin air. Like a dream, the tome ceased to exist as soon as she woke up from it. She slammed her hands on the table.
“SHIT!” She yelled into her empty apartment.
She had taken some time though, while they were talking, to memorize what exactly she needed. She quickly wrote it down, trying not to forget it. The wings could be heard again in her mind. They were accompanied by Aman’s voice, reciting every passage for her, again and again, like he had implanted a never fading memory in her head. She quickly wrote everything in her native tongue, which was easier for her to read than English. Once she finished she put her pen down and read over it.
“Thank you, Aman.” She whispered as she glanced up at the ceiling, “Thank you, my love.”
“Anytime, Eashi’ga.” His warm laughter filled the air, then faded, leaving her alone in the utter silence of the room.
She smiled to herself and read the passage a few more times before finally getting everything she needed.
