I don´t trust my words anymore

see when I start coughing up the alphabet on a white paper

only do I see the color red

see I posion myself with my own ink

see when I first fell in love with words

it was for fun

But then I realized you can use words like a gun

and your mouth like a bullet

you tell hurtful lies

and dust

them with

vengeful truth

see you didn´t expect

these words to grow

hands and slap you in the face

see you manipulate the ending the way you want it

to justify your anger

you go to sleep on cotton candy clouds

you hold yourself in a crucifixaion

at night

you wear black

and mourn your own existence

you know it´s until a matter of time

before they tear you apart

see they put a crown on your head

and you bowed down

and let the repuation sink in your bones and got to comfortable in the mask

see the church will lie in ruins today

after you sit in

the pew

see your the hymn

the sinners sing

see your the obituray

that sounds like poetry

see you are the raven

that poe wrote about

you are the mournful cry

that sounds like laughter as they watch your fall

you carry in your pocket a sliver knife wrapped in velvet

you commit murder

and call it justice

you are the hypocrite

that trembles on a holy ground

and calls yourself a religion

you are a lucrid dream

vomit

vulgar

vomrit

you committ

fraud

against

yourself

you

elate

yourself

and

deflate

yourself

you pinprick holes in your flesh

and call out abuse

you carve your hands in your mouth

and force

projectile on the page

you throw your heart up

and hoping someone will catch it when you fall

your the ex you wrote about

your the devil and the mary

you impregant yourself

with a disased mind

you go too far into the rabbit hole

and the magican can never pull you out the hat

because your no magic trick

your the rhythimical jester

at the court

you paint over your face

and wear a mask

your artifically made

you take the storys of others

and sow it in your veins

and

say you know pain .

you tie a noose around reality

and hang yourself from it

you were death

but you never came

virgin

hands

wrapped

around

the

fragilty

storms brews inside me

you call yourself a follower

of the path

you are infact your own master

to which you slave.

you stretch like elastic

and stray far from

the beginng

you manipulate yourself

your out of control

your mouth

its own gun

your hands the razors

your mind the bully

your pen used to save you

you learned how to use it for murder

see I take shots at my soul

to rember that I am human

I tell you the truth

I bring you to courtroom

and put myself on trial

at the end of the case

I will say I am guilty

I put myself behind bars

I clothe myself in a orange jacket

I brand myself with my own deal

I don´t trust this mind

it was told it was crazy

see they like to call you a liar

when you tell the truth

but maybe the best liars

tell the truth you can only handle

see the crow cried 3 times

and yet peter denied

see i am the sheep in wolf clothing

see i am lips that kiss the one i betrayed

see i am lucifer in your awakening

see I am the cloak of midnight

see you write in metaphors

because it keeps it from being to personal

see i leave it out here and be vulnerable

I

am

a

L

I

A

R

AM I ?

#darkpoetry #insanity of being Human #secrets #the raven crowed

God and I had been on one date before.

It was an eye-opening experience in which I learned that God moves through all objects of nature. Even the leaves that rustle in the trees with the wind are a part of God's hand.

I used to look at nature and see God. 

That was before my husband passed away.

He passed a few years ago and after that, I shied away from society. 

I went out only when it was absolute necessity as I could not bear to see couples together for I had lost my one partner in this life.

I could not even find peace in nature.

I resented God for taking him away for me...

It was about a month ago that I decided to attend a marriage conference that was intended for couples.

I felt it was something I had to do if anything was ever going to change in my life. 

I braved myself to be alone in a room full of pairs.

That night God and I had our second date in my hotel room.

After room service had delivered my meal, I slept for a while on the couch.

I awoke suddenly and gazed out of my window just to catch the last of a magnificently

beautiful sunset. Some stars and the moon were beginning to shine in the still blue and pink sky and the moon was reflected in the totally calm, blue and pink river.

I believe God was sending me a message to remind me that he loved me. 

I resolved that the moon's reflection in the water was a part of His signature.

I realized that God had never disappeared all those years. 

He was simply waiting for me to find him again.

It is often in our suffering that God awakens a strong desire in us for nothing more than Himself. 

I plan on attending more dates with God. 

I think we all struggle with this question. I know I did. Because face it, this world we live in is a very dark, evil place. We see innocent people slaughtered by ISIS, we see people die in car accidents, shootings, and robberies...and it's hard to imagine that there's a God somewhere above us. It really is. Most of us want to believe that there's a loving God, but we just can't see how there is one.

     Well, I'm here to tell you that there is a loving God, one who loves you so much it's unfathomable.

     First, though, we need to understand what evil is. "Evil" is often thought of as a thing, as a creature. And we say, "How can God allow Evil?" Evil is not a thing; evil is the absence of God. It's like a hole in a shirt. The hole is not a Thing, but it is the absence of a Thing. So it is, that when we reject God, we leave a void; that void is Evil.

     Free will. That's what lets us choose, let's us make a choice between God and evil. God is omnipotent, meaning He knows everything that's happened, is happening and will happen. If God knew what choice Eve would make in the Garden of Eden...why did He still give her free will?

     It almost sounds like God didn't care, almost wanted that to happen. But God gave us free will because He loved us so much. He wants to have a relationship with us, and He wants us to love Him. But what kind of love is it if you don't give someone a choice? Thus He gave us Freewill.

     We want God to remove evil, right? Like stop ISIS, stop natural disasters that kill thousands, or stop accidents. But how much evil should God remove? Where do you draw the line? If God took all evil out, there's no free will. And then there's no real love. Just robots called Humans.

     So God is not the cause of evil.

     And He really does love you.

It's been 542 days...

I know because I've counted every single one of them.

& now I have the biggest decision of my life...

Ironic, that decision is whether I should end yours.

I'm sitting here trying to decide which moment of all of this has been the hardest.

Perhaps it's waking up every single day realizing it's not a dream.

Maybe, it was the night it all happened, waiting for you to come home for the dinner I was prepared to surprise you with. In an attempt to start over. A chance for us to let go of all the fights we were having. A chance to move on from losing our baby.

I remember the sound of your voice on the phone that night, I remember the anxiety in your voice. You reminded me that you'd be a little late from work, but I waited.

I waited. For what seemed like forever. Turns out it was.

Maybe it was the feeling of my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach as blue and red lights flashed in our driveway.

Or the sense of hopelessness as we passed by your mangled Volvo on the way to the hospital. I was too shocked to think. I had too many questions and so little answers. Why were you driving so fast? Why were you in the east side of town?

It could be days three to 145. The days where all those unfamiliar faces would pop up during visiting hours. Telling me how much of a good person you were, or at least, thought you were..

I just wish they'd piss off, they don't really know you.

Yeah I understand they're trying to comfort me, and I know that's not how you'd want me to respond but I don't know if you're here.

I don't know if you're really here, and I don't know how to do it without you.

I'm sitting here, in this stupid hospital trying to pinpoint the exact moment that has been the hardest in all of this.

Maybe it was days 24, 76, 132, 250 and 310. Those days where God seemed to be playing tricks on me. Making me think that you might've wiggled your toes or moved your index finger.

Making me think that there was hope only to be completely discouraged a few days later by the lack of brain activity in your scans.

What are these doctors here for anyway? There isn't anything they can do but hope, just like me. And it seems like I'm the only one who's been hoping for something...for anything...

Maybe the hardest moment is deciding to let you go, and always wondering what if I should've held on just a day longer. Or 2 days, or another 542...

I don't know if I can live with myself without you, I don't know if I want to. I don't know if you'd want me to.

I'm really trying to figure out the hardest moment in all of this. I figured if I can pinpoint a single moment that I've already overcome, then perhaps I should keep going. And keep hoping.

Part of me wants to keep hoping. I mean for goodness sake, you're my wife. You're everything.

But then part of me, part of me knows the truth.

The truth that maybe day 358 might've been the hardest day..

That day I was looking for something as simple as the insurance card, but I ended up finding something more complex..

A letter. Quite a few letters.

You were writing to Jackson again...

But it was different this time. It didn't sound like just a letter. It sounded like everything. Those days where you shut me out, you opened up to him.

I decided to go through those letters. Looking for things that I didn't really want to see, but was just unable to stop myself from searching for.

You talked to him more than you talked to me...

You told him things I never knew. Like the fact that you were feeling lonely even though I was around.

Or how you felt so lost after losing the baby.

These letters reveal so much more than secrets. It was a portal into the life you lived behind closed doors.

And most of all, it gave me the thing I needed the most. Answers.

Like the real reason you were coming home late...

And why you were on the east side of town the night this all happened...

And the question I never thought to ask until now. Was our unborn baby....ours? Or just yours?

I'm sitting in this hospital and I think I've figured out what the hardest moment has been. And it's right now, looking at you, laying there. I know who you're supposed to be, but I don't recognize you.

You're not my wife. You're just a shell of the woman who spoke the words "for better or for worse."

& although you're here being kept alive by these machines, I think you died long ago.

I loved who you were but I don't know who you are. So I'm letting you go.

My thoughts of you...

Dear future Wife,

I know that God is molding you right now to be everything He needs, I know He won't send me you unless He knows I can lead, so I want you to know that he's also molding me.

But I want you to know that I'm scared, cause even though I know you won't be perfect/ I know you'll be perfect for me..

Will I be responsible enough for your Love?

Could I make you happy?

I've done that for a lot of people / but am I capable of doing that for you?

Could I make you smile / could I make you laugh so hard /that your stomach cramps / and tears fall from your eyes...

& in a different mood, could I wipe those tears dry...

Could I make you feel comfortable enough, to let your guard down

& if you do, could I protect you?

Could I cherish you, every single day

for the rest of my life..

Could I constantly & consistently / forget myself, & put you first?

Could I listen to your stories..

Could I feel your pain..

Could I understand your struggles..

Could I help you choose, the simple things / like what outfit you should wear today / or what color your nails should be painted..

Could I Love you...

Love, such a strong word, such a sure feeling / but easily confused

But what I do know for sure is that God is Love

And Love never fails.

So maybe you're out there right now, just as scared as I am. But if you read this, just remember that God loves you. And I'll love you too, soon.

- Junior Alexandre ©