I used to have this friend that I honestly should’ve stopped being friends with a while ago. I’m gonna leave her unnamed since as much as I hate her, I don’t want to use her real name, so I’ll use C since that’s her first initial. C was...something, to say the least. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she knows better now, but does she really? I don’t know, I haven’t talked to her in ages and I don’t want to. The pain she caused me is immeasurable, and it still haunts me to this day.

Honestly, she wasn’t that good of a friend, and a lot of times, the stuff she said to me hurt, but I had such a positive image of her and low one of myself that I brushed it off, saying that my feelings didn’t matter. She’d call me fat, ugly, and all kinds of things, and it still affects my self-image to this day. Whenever I talked about wanting to try out for basketball since I loved playing it, C would always tell me how “bad” I was and how I wouldn’t make the team. I never tried out because of that. Turns out she didn’t make the team when she tried out, so who’s really the “bad” one here?

I used to have a crush on this guy- back when I was still straight -and she’d always put me down for liking him, saying he was ugly and not all that. I would agree with her because I was so worried she was going to judge me. That wasn’t that bad, but one day, when I was out sick, she told him I liked him. She played it off as a joke, saying that it wasn’t a big deal. It might not have been to her, but it was to me. I was sitting in the car while my parents were working, close to tears. I trusted her, I really did. Guess I shouldn’t have.

Guess I didn’t learn from my mistakes because when I had my first girl crush, I told her. It was one of her best friends. The girl I liked was a good friend of mine as well, but I wasn’t as close to her as C was. I was on Facetime with her when I told her. I told her who I liked, and she laughed in my face. She laughed in my face. C then proceeded to tell me that she wouldn’t tell her, and again, I trusted her. God, I’m an idiot.

You probably think that she told her, and you’d be right, but something else happened before that, and it hurt me more than C telling the girl I liked her. A week passed after I told C I liked her, and she texted me, telling me to either stop liking her because she was uncomfortable with it, or lose her as a friend. She’s an awful person, but I still had a good image of her. I didn’t want to lose her. So I lied. I told her I would stop liking her so that we could stay friends. I cried myself to sleep that night.

As I said before, C told her. She told her the day I told her. And I didn’t find out til a month later from a friend. I was riding the bus home when he texted me. I was in shambles. I had to hold my tears in because I wasn’t home yet. The second I was, I ran to my room and cried. I felt like shit. That was the moment I finally realized how much I dreaded being her friend. That was the moment I realized that C wasn’t a good friend. That was the moment I realized that that image of her in my mind wasn’t real.

I tried to distance myself from her. I’m not a confrontational person, and I was afraid of her spilling all my secrets, so I never really did anything besides avoid her and not answer her texts. Didn’t work because she still talked to me, texted me, and called me. I hated every second of pretending that we were still friends. Honestly, I’m surprised that I didn’t realize what a shitty friend she was earlier. Not only did C do all of the things I mentioned above, she also talked shit about my friends, never cared about what I had to say, would talk shit about me behind my back and even let her friends talk shit about me right in front of me, told people my secrets and played it off as a “funny” joke- also right in front of me -, made me do things I was uncomfortable with (nothing sexual, just “favors” that were really just her begging me to do something for her even when I had repeatedly told her no because they made me uncomfortable), and she tried stealing from me too. But I guess none of that mattered because she was still a good person in my eyes.

C’s about a 5 minute drive from my house, and most of the places I go pass by her house. Every time I do, I always look away. It hurts. Sometimes my parents will bring it up, and I have to pretend that we’re still good friends. Like I said before, I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt and trust that she knows better now, but how am I supposed to trust her after all this? Honestly, if she came up to me today and apologized for everything she’s done to me, I don’t know if I could forgive her.

People always say that in order to move on, you have to forgive and forget. But what if I don’t want to? I don’t want to forgive her when she’s done nothing but give me immense trust issues and added onto my already poor self-esteem. I don’t want to forget in case I run into another “C” in my life. Hell, I can’t even move on, all the hurt she caused me still affects me dearly, and I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to move on. I want to someday, but when I do, I won’t be forgiving or forgetting her for all she’s done to me. I know that people learn and grow and it’s immature of me to hold a grudge, but I don’t care. She’s hurt me more than you could ever imagine. You don’t have to forgive and forget to move on. If you want to, be my guest. But I won’t be yours.

Dear C,

Fuck you for everything you’ve done to me. Don’t contact me or I’ll call my lawyer. Kidding, I don’t have a lawyer, but don’t talk to me or I might just beat a bitch up <3

Sincerely, someone you clearly never gave a fuck about.

altered title from - “betty” by Taylor Swift

“Hey!” a voice from beyond shouted. I know that voice! I turned to the direction of the voice, and my heart skipped a beat. 

In a black off-the-shoulder top with slightly puffy sleeves that went to her elbow and a short, light pink skirt with a bow wrapped around your waist the same color as your skirt, she looked absolutely stunning, ethereal, even. A bracelet with many charms and a gold, layered necklace with stars went with her outfit perfectly as did her black converse and black chain purse. Cheeks colored red and hotter than the summer heat, I watched as she walked over with that lovely-as-ever smile of hers, waving enthusiastically at me. As flustered as I am, I managed to wave back with a feeble smile. Fuck, I’m so gay.

“Sorry,” she apologized, rubbing the back of her neck, “were you waiting long?” 

“N-no, not at all!” I waved it off, my cheeks still warm. 

“Your face is really red,” she commented, putting her hand on my forehead to check my temperature. “Are you feeling alright?” 

Backing away immediately, I felt my cheeks get even hotter. “Y-yeah, I’m fine, it’s just…”

“Hm?”

Staring at the ground, I rubbed my arm, peeking over at her and looking away almost immediately. “You...look...really...pretty…”

“O-oh…” Fuck, that’s not a good reaction, now is it? I took my eyes off the ground and onto her, afraid to see how she reacted. 

Flustered and probably as red as me, she clutched the chain of her purse, staring at the ground. Huh, seems like it was a good reaction.

“Thanks,” she whispered out, meeting my gaze, causing her to look away and blush even more. “You look really pretty, too.”

“Thanks,” I replied, feeling less nervous than before. 

“You’re welcome.”

Silence took over, and seeing as neither of us knew what to say next, I decided to change the topic, pointing to the entrance of the amusement park. “Why don’t we head on in? Summer isn’t very long, ya know.”

She nodded, her cheeks a light pink tint. “Ok!” 

With a peppy smile as well as a pep in her step, she went ahead of me, practically oozing excitement. Calling her pretty was a huge understatement, she’s the personification of perfection. 

“Two wristbands, please!” she chirped, holding up a ‘two’ with her fingers. The employee handed us our wristbands after she handed our money to them. 

“Enjoy the park,” he said with a lifeless tone after putting on our bands for us. Jeez, he must be fun at parties. Then again, he’s working in this summer heat and getting paid minimum wage, so I guess I can’t blame him for being so...dead, for lack of a better word. 

“Alright, let’s get going!” she cheered, grabbing my hand and dragging me around the fair. Cheeks painted crimson, I tried to ignore the fact that her hand was in mine, but it was practically impossible. It wasn’t the first time this has happened before, but that didn’t stop me from internally panicking every time. Her touch will always be my favorite, and call me selfish, but I want to be the only one who will ever feel it. 

“Oh, let’s ride that!” she pointed at a roller coaster that ran through the park. Seeing all those loops already made me nauseous. 

“Um…” I wanna say no since I know that I’m most definitely gonna puke if I go on it, but…

Beaming like a little kid seeing an ice cream truck, sparkles adorned those beautifully breathtaking eyes of hers as her dumb, little smile- that I really shouldn’t be finding this cute -gave me butterflies. God, why are you so damn adorable?!

“Fine,” I sighed out, feeling defeated. I can’t ever say no to her, now can I?

“Yay!” she shouted with joy, grabbing hold of my wrist and dragging me towards the line. 

I’m probably gonna hate myself after this, but if that meant getting to see her smile for a while longer, then I’d happily pay the price every time. 

.

.

.

God damnit, I feel like death. The second I stepped out of the ride, my legs turned into jelly as I felt my lunch coming back up. I rushed to a trash can as best as my wobbly legs could take me and vomited my PB & J sandwich up. Fuck, I really do hate myself for this. 

“Oh my god, are you ok?!” she frantically asked, her hand rubbing my back in an attempt to soothe me. It didn’t really help since I still felt like shit, but I appreciate the sentiment.

“Y-yeah, I’m f-fine, t-thanks for asking,” I somehow managed to get out, still recovering from the post-throw up. 

“Maybe we should do something else,” she suggested, handing me a napkin to wipe off the bits of vomit on my face, “ya know, until you’ve recovered from this ride.”

“I have to ride more?!” I exclaimed, feeling nauseous once more.

“Oh, do you not want to?” Her mood dropped, her lips curving into a frown. Fuck.

“Uh, n-no, t-that’s not what I meant, we can totally go on more later!” 

“Are you sure?”

“Of course!” I’m lying through my fucking teeth right now because I’m an idiot in love. 

“Ok!” Her mood was instantly lifted, her frown turning upside down. I blushed at her smile once more. Yeah, I’m an idiot in love; but if being in love with her meant being an idiot, then call me the stupidest person in the world, she’s worth it. 

“Wanna play some games?” she asked, pointing at some stands, crowds covering what the games were even about.

“Sure,” I replied, feeling a lot better. “Ready to get your ass kicked?”

“As if I would ever lose to you,” she scoffed, crossing her arms with a cocky grin. “If anybody’s getting their ass kicked here, it’s you.”

“Oh, you’re on! Whoever gets ten wins wins?”

She nodded, still smirking as cocky as ever. “Loser buys lunch.”

“Deal!” 

We ran at full speed to the stands, stopping at a balloon-popping game. Giving the employee 6 bucks for 5 darts each, she went first.

“Don’t mess up! Not only will your money be on the line, your pride will be as well!” I taunted with a cheeky grin.

“Oh, shut up!” she yelled back before throwing her first dart, missing the balloon she was aiming for.

“Yes!” I shouted with triumph after seeing my taunting had worked. 

“I still have four more darts, I can still beat you!” She pouted, stomping her foot like a little kid throwing a tantrum.

“Yeah, yeah, put your money where your mouth is.” 

Her score was 3 out of 5, earning a small plush bear as a prize. 

“Aw, this is so cute!” she gushed, giving it a light squeeze. 

“We should probably get a locker for the things we might win,” I suggested, pointing in the direction of where the lockers were. 

“Sure, we can get one after this.”

“Alright.” I picked up my darts and began to aim. “My turn now!”

Hitting all the balloons perfectly, I got a perfect score, 5 out of 5!

“Hah, in your face!” I stuck my tongue out immaturely, earning a huff from her and a large stuffed bunny as a prize. 

“Whatever,” she grumbled. “Come on, let’s get a locker.” 

“Alright.” I chuckled at how she changed the topic almost instantly to avoid embarrassment. It was kind of cute...Oh, who am I kidding, everything she does is cute.

Once we got our locker set up, we went back to our little competition. 

“Ok, what’s next?” I asked, scanning the area for the next game.

“How about that one?” She proposed, pointing at one of those water gun games where you aim the little target to get your duck or boat or whatever to the top. I wonder what those are actually called…

“Sure.” I shrugged, not really caring what we were going to play next. I was gonna enjoy it anyway, especially since I’m with her. 

We made our way to the stand and stood by for a couple minutes, patiently waiting for our turn. When it was finally our turn, we paid the amount needed and immediately got down to business.

“You’re going down this time,” she declared, determination coursing through her veins. 

“Yeah, sure I will.” I snickered, waiting for the ‘GO’ signal.

The light flashed green, and the game was on. Shooting directly at the target, I switched between looking at my duck and the center, making sure that I was in the lead. But before I knew it, I heard a ding-ding-ding sound, insinuating that there was a winner; and that winner wasn’t me. 

“I told you I was gonna win this time!” She stuck her tongue out at me this time, pulling her eyelid down for more of a teasing effect. If I wasn’t so hopelessly in love with her, I might’ve actually gotten upset. 

Continuing our little game, we went from stand to stand to stand until one of us reigned victorious. We were at the last game, tied, neck to neck. Whoever won this one would be declared the victor, the winner, the person who doesn’t have to buy lunch. And seeing as my paycheck wasn’t coming anytime soon, I really didn’t want to pay.

The last game was basketball, and truth be told, I’m a little nervous. She’s a basketball prodigy, so she had a very high chance of winning. And seeing as she wasn’t even the slightest bit worried, it seemed like she knew that too. 

As soon as we were given the ‘GO’ signal, we began shooting basketballs; or at least she was, I was just chucking them up in hopes that at least a few of them would make it in. After a minute had passed, I compared my score to hers, and holy shit, I was losing miserably. There was only 30 seconds left on the clock, I’m never gonna be able to catch up to her! 

The timer went off, and just like I had predicted, she won, and I had lost.

“Woohoo!” she cheered, jumping up in the air. “I won! In your face!”

I sighed. “Congrats, I guess…” My wallet is gonna fucking kill me. 

“How’s it feel to be a loser?” she taunted and teased from all angles. “Guess I was right, your ass is the only one being kicked today! And who was it kicked by?”

With both hands on her hip, she gave me a cocky stare, expecting me to answer her question that had only one obvious answer. 

“You…” I grumbled, crossing my arms with a frown. 

“That’s right! I won, and you lost!” she gloated with a fist pump and toothy grin. 

Despite losing, I didn’t feel upset, not in the slightest. In fact, I felt like I was the one who won. Seeing her so happy brought a slight tingle to my chest as well as a cotton-candy-pink hue to my cheeks. Looking away from her little celebration, I covered the red of my cheeks with my hand, my heart racing and cheeks warming. I glanced back at her, her smile rivaling the sun and laugh sounding like music to my ears- call me cliche, but it was the truth. I want nothing more in life than to be able to hold her in my arms and call her mine. The idea of waking up next to her each and every morning and watching the slight rise and fall of her chest brings a smile to my face, and I pray every night that it comes true. Running my hands through that silky, smooth bronze hair of hers, feeling her lips slot into mine perfectly like a missing piece of a puzzle and having every corner of my house littered with the scent of her replays in my mind every night before I go to bed, hoping that when I wake up, it becomes my reality. 

“Hello? You there?” Snapping back into reality, I found her standing right in front of me, waving her hand in my face. 

“O-oh, sorry,” I apologized, taken aback by how close she was. 

“It’s fine, you were kinda just spacing out with a lovesick look.”

“O-oh, really?” I’m not actually that obvious, right?

“Whoever you’re thinking about must be pretty darn amazing for you to not hear me shouting your name multiple times.” For a split second, I could’ve sworn I saw her lips curl into a slight frown…

“Yeah...they are.” I smiled softly to myself as an image of her popped up in my mind.

“They must be a real lucky guy to have someone like you falling head over heels in love with him,” she joked with a cheeky grin. I can’t place my finger on it, but something about her smile seemed...sad. 

“Uh, it’s not a guy,” I corrected, rubbing the back of my neck. “It’s...actually a girl.”

“O-oh, is that so?” 

“Yeah…” Maybe I’m just imagining it, but she seemed happy when she heard me say that it wasn’t a boy…

“Anyway, let’s go get lunch!” 

“Alright. Any specific kind of food you want?” I asked, holding my wallet up. “It’s my treat after all.” 

She giggled at the little reminder, then hummed, followed by a shrug. “Not really, I’m kinda just in the mood for any food. Besides, it’s amusement park food, I doubt there’s going to be anything besides hot dogs and hamburgers.”

“Eh, true. Then let’s get going,” I said, heading towards where the food stands were bunched together with her trailing behind me.

“So…” She looked at me with a pleading glint in her eyes.

I arched my brow. “So?”

“Who’s the lucky gal?” she asked, anticipation lacing her words. “Do I know them? Does she know me?”

“Not saying,” I mumbled, my cheeks turning scarlet. There’s no fucking way I’m telling her. Sorry, but if she ever found out I had a crush on her...God, I’d fucking die. 

“Can you at least tell me what she’s like?” she pleaded with adorable puppy-dog eyes and a pout. “Pwease?”

As much as I hate that baby-like voice, she looked too cute for me to say no. 

“Fine,” I sighed out, rolling my eyes. “She’s...she’s really pretty, smart too. She’s got these beautiful ocean-blue eyes that I could just drown in. Her laugh is pretty amazing too. She’s got this adorable snort that I could honestly could listen to all day long.” I paused, wondering what else I could say. “I love everything about her. I love how she can’t seem to spell ‘restaurant’ for the life of her and only eats the cream in Oreos, I love the way she dances and sings poorly to her favorite songs and always writes the letter ‘i’ with a smiley face for a dot, I love when she involuntarily scrunches her nose when she sees a spider and sends me random texts with pictures of how she’s feeling and what she’s doing at the time...just, everything.” 

She probably knew I was talking about her, but I didn’t really care that much. I don’t want to hide these feelings forever, and I was gonna tell her eventually anyway. 

“Well,” she began, rubbing the side of her arm, “she sounds amazing.”

“She is.” How did she not realize that it’s her? 

“I hope you two end up together!” she rooted, wishing the best of luck to me. 

“Yeah, me too…” There it was again, that feeling that her words and smile weren’t what she was actually thinking. Maybe it’s not all in my head…?

“Anyway, uh, since we’re here, why don’t we look around and see what we should get?” she proposed with a feeble smile. 

“Uh, yeah, sure,” I answered. Is she alright? I can’t help but feel like there’s something off with her…

“Oh my god, look at those bears!” She pointed, twinkling at the large stuffed bears. Maybe I’m just overthinking it…

.

.

.

Once lunch was over, we went on with our day, playing more games and going on some rides- I didn’t puke this time, thank fucking god -and before we knew it, the day was over. It was around 6 pm, and nightfall was coming. 

“That was fun!” she exclaimed with delight, a yawn following her words. 

“Yeah, it was,” I agreed, yawning after her. “We’re still leaving behind those prizes we won though, right?”

“Yeah, we are,” she confirmed as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “Since neither of us drove here, it’d be kinda awkward to have to carry them.”

“That’s true. It was fun getting all those prizes though.”

“Yeah, it was. We should do it again sometime!” she propounded, already pumped for the next time we’d go out even though I hadn’t agreed to it yet; well, lucky for her, I was already going to.

“Sure,” I said with a giggle, the corners of my lips forming a small smile. 

“Oh, there’s this ice cream place nearby, you wanna get some?” she asked, cocking her head to the direction of the ice cream parlor. 

I really don’t understand how she still has this much energy left. But even though I was completely fucking drained, I nodded, not wanting to end this little ‘date’. Heh, I wish it were one. 

“Yay!” She beamed with her hands in the air. “Ah, we can go right after I go to the bathroom, alright?”

I nodded, and we walked back in. The line to the bathroom seemed pretty long, so it seems like I’ll be waiting here for a while…Hm?

On my right was another game stand, but it wasn’t the game that caught my eye, it was one of the prizes. One of them was a little light-pink bunny with red eyes and wings, a magenta nose in the shape of a circle, fangs, and a black bow tied around its neck. A vampire-bunny...wow, that’s...kind of a weird stuffed animal to have as a prize...She might like it though...

.

.

.

“Sorry for the wait!” she apologized as she ran towards me. “The line was really long, like really– huh?”

Something distracted her from finishing her sentence, and I’m guessing that ‘something’ is this hideous doll in my arms. 

“What...is that?” she asked while pointing at this monstrosity. 

I took a deep breath. I can do this. I handed the vampire-bunny to her, rubbing my nape as my cheeks turned warm with a crimson hue. 

“It’s...it’s for you,” I mumbled, glancing at her for only a second before looking away, my face turning three shades redder. 

“F-for me?” she echoed with disbelief, a finger pointing at herself to make sure she heard me right. 

“Y-yeah,” I confirmed, sneaking another peek. “I thought you might like it since you really like collecting weird and ugly things that most people wouldn’t like. Like those sunglasses you got a few weeks ago, they looked awful, and that was the reason you got them. So I thought that you might like this because of that…”

She didn’t reply. I finally mustered up the courage to look at her, only to find her too stunned to speak. Fuck, does she not like it?

“It’s fine if you don’t like it, I can just give it back or something,” I rambled, probably sounding like a complete idiot. “I can probably just give it away or something, it’s totally fine–”

“I love it!” She was bubbling joy as she gave the vampire-bunny a tight squeeze, holding it close to her chest. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

My heart began to race once more, and I couldn’t help but feel all giddy inside. I made her this happy, I was the one who got her to smile so widely, it was me. “I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it so, so, so much!” She gave it another squeeze and lifted it up in the air like a dad with his kid, admiring the stuffed bunny.

I softly giggled at how much she resembled a little kid on Christmas Day getting exactly what they wished for from Santa. She’s happy, and it’s because of me. 

“I’m glad you love it,” I corrected myself from before with a chuckle.

“I do, I love it a lot, especially since you were the one who gave me it!” 

Huh? She...she likes– no, loves it that much because I was the one who gave it to her? I watched as she realized what she had just said, heat rising to her cheeks, a deep red painting her face. 

“U-uh, that’s, that’s not what I meant– I mean, it is, but, uh..” She was a fumbling mess, and just like everything she does, I found it adorable.

“Oh, uh, why don’t we go and get some ice cream now?” She added an awkward chuckle and grabbed my hand, dragging me to where the ice cream parlor was. I giggled at how flustered she was but decided to leave it at that. I watched as she clutched onto the vampire-bunny tightly to her chest. Was she only doing that because she loved it that much or because I was the one who gave it to her? Maybe it’s both; she loves it that much because I gave it to her. 

.

.

.

After a short walk, we arrived at the ice cream shop, a few people in line. While we stood in line, we checked out the menu. 

“I think I’m just gonna get a chocolate,” I decided. “What about you?”

“I’m gonna get the cotton-candy, it looks really good.”

“Alright.” 

Once we ordered and paid, we decided to head to a nearby park to enjoy our delicious delights. We talked and we laughed, our laughs filling the empty park air. 

“That’s what I’m saying!” She broke out in a fit of laughter before taking a lick of her pink and blue ice cream. “I mean, how stupid do you– oh, you’ve got some ice cream on your face.”

I wiped the left side of my mouth, assuming that was where it was. “Did I get it?”

“Uh, well, some of it.”

I wiped the other side of my mouth. “How about now?”

“No, there’s still some left,” she replied, shaking her head and grabbing a napkin. “Here, let me do it.” 

She leaned in close to me, our faces inches apart as she wiped away the ice cream on my face. I watched as she inched closer to me, ridding my face of the sticky, sweet dessert. God, she’s...really close...Lips slightly parted, her oh-so-kissable lips were tinted light red and smelled like strawberries. I wonder if they taste like them too…

“There, done!” she declared, throwing the napkin away at the trash can beside her. “I don’t know how you managed to eat so messily– Mmp!”

I placed my lips onto hers, my ice cream forgotten after finding myself a new, sweet treat to indulge myself in. A thin layer of cotton-candy with a hint of strawberry coated her lips, but that wasn’t what made her so delicious-tasting. I liked it because it was her, I liked it...because I love her. 

I broke away from the kiss, panting heavily with lust-laced eyes and slight swollen lips. She was just the same, out of breath and staring up at me with a lustful look, almost begging me for more– Ah. I just realized...I kissed her.

“I’m sorry!” I blurted out, backing away immediately. “I didn’t mean to– I mean, I did, sort of, but I didn’t ask you for permission, which was wrong of me, I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry– Mmp!”

Feeling her lips on mine once more, her tongue gently nudged my lips, and I knew what she was asking for, so I complied. God, it was even better than the last kiss. 

Tongues tangoing and hands wandering, my hands snaked around her waist as I hoisted her up onto my lap while her arms wrapped around my neck without the kiss being interrupted. Eager and enthusiastic, her hands ran through my hair as her tongue explored my mouth, sending a jolt of pleasure down my spine. 

Out of breath once more, the kiss ended, my forehead pressed against hers as I gazed into her hungry eyes, desire glazed over her eyes. 

“I like you,” I breathed out, still staring into her eyes. “Actually, scratch that, I love you.”

She chuckled softly and pressed a quick peck on my forehead. “I love you too.”

Moving my head away, I couldn’t believe that she felt the same. “Wait, really?”

“Yes?” she answered, confused by my reaction. “I just made out with you, what makes you think I don’t?”

“I don’t know, why didn’t you realize I was talking about you when you asked me to describe my crush?”

“Because I didn’t think that someone like you could ever like someone like me!” she explained, still situated on my lap.

“Exactly– Wait, what?” I was confused again. “What do you mean ‘someone like you’?”

“Well, I don’t know, you’re just really cute and amazing, and I didn’t think that someone as perfect as you could fall for someone like me!”

“But you’re the really cute and amazing and perfect one, not me!”

“Are you kidding me, you’re literally a fucking angel!” she rebutted, crossing her arms.

“Says you, have you seen yourself?! Not only do you have the looks of a fucking goddess, you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met!” I crossed my arms as well, offended that she could ever think that she was anything less than perfect. 

“Wait, really?” Instead of sending another rebuttal my way, she was taken aback, her cheeks outlined red. “Do you really mean all that?”

“Yeah…” I blushed along with her, embarrassed by my sudden confession. “I meant every word I said.” 

“O-oh…” Cheeks turning even redder than before, her eyes averted my gaze, gnawing at her lower lip. “I’m glad...”

I giggled softly at how flustered she was. Tucking her hair behind her ear, I pressed a chaste kiss on her cheek.

“I love you,” I repeated, planting another quick kiss on her lips. 

“I love you too,” she whispered, still a bit flustered from before. 

“Um, will you,” I began, rubbing my nape, “will you be my girlfriend?”

With a warm smile, her lips found their place on mine once more. “I’d love to.”

“Good,” I said with a chuckle. 

“Good.”

A blanket of silence covered us, but neither of us minded. It was comfortable. It was kind of like we were silently telling each other how much we loved each other. Maybe I’m reading into it too much and she might actually just don’t know what to say, but one thing I’m sure of is that when I go to bed tonight, I no longer have to wish for those scenes that replay in my mind to become my reality; it’ll already be my reality. 

“Shit, they’re getting close!” I cursed as I took a peek behind me, a handful of cops chasing us down the street. “Matt, when’s the helicopter ready?”

“Give us a second!” Matt spoke through my earpiece. I could barely hear him over all these loud-ass sirens. “We’re trying to find a spot that’ll be easy for you two to get in without any hassle.”

“Well, hurry up!” I shouted, turning a corner and leaning against the wall to take a shot at them, hitting one of the cop’s legs. “If we get caught, I’ll fucking kill you when I get out of prison!” 

“Jesus, I said give us a fucking second!” 

“Ugh, fine!” I clicked my tongue and looked over at you, holding one duffle bag in your hands and the other strapped over your shoulder, both adding up to just a little over one million dollars. “You doing ok over there, babe? Helicopter’s on the way.”

“Couldn’t be better, baby,” you replied between pants, a smirk adorning that gorgeous face of yours. “You?”

“Doin’ great, sweetcheeks.” I winked at you and grinned, earning a soft chuckle from you. I looked back for a second to take another shot, getting one of the cop’s in the arm. “Update on the helicopter, Matt.”

“You asked for one at the perfect time,” he answered with a chuckle. “There’s an empty building a few streets down. We’re gonna pick you up at the rooftop. I sent you the directions, just check your watch. We’ll be waiting for you there.”

I scoffed. “Is that a challenge, or are you actually closer to the building than we are?” I knew it probably wasn’t a challenge or anything of the sort, just wanted to make this a little more fun than it actually was; not that a bank heist wasn’t fun, it’ll always be fun, just the almost-getting-caught part that wasn’t.

“Take it however you want, just hurry your ass up and don’t get caught or else I’m a dead man!” Matt threatened, though it was more of a threat from me than one from him. 

“Yeah, yeah, got it.” I then turned my attention towards you. Hey!” I yelled to catch your attention, which worked. “I have the directions to where we’re gonna be picked up! Stay by my side, alright?”

Lips curling into a grin, you scoffed at me. “Do you even have to ask?”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, picking up the pace as I whispered to myself, “Good to know you’ll never leave my side.”

Following the directions Matt sent me, we ran there as fast as we could, taking a few quick detours so that I could slow down the Feds a bit. God, it’s pretty fucking far. I glanced over at you. You seemed to be doing fine. Your stamina wasn’t always the best, so the fact that you’ve been able to keep up with me is kinda impressive. 

“What are you staring at me for?” you questioned with an arched brow. “I know I’m hot and all, but can’t you stare at my pretty face another time, we’ve got more important stuff to worry about.” 

“But you’re the most important thing in my life!” I whined with a coy pout. 

“As if I didn’t already know that.” You lightly punched my arm and rolled your eyes, a light cotton-candy pink tint coloring your cheeks. “You’re mine too, don’t worry.”

“Hah!” I cackled. “I would’ve killed you if I wasn’t.” 

You giggled at my little joke, my cheeks turning pink from your beautiful laugh. It was like music to my ears, and as cliche as it is, it’s true. I’ll always love your laugh, and I hope that I can continue listening to it. 

I slipped my hand into the front pocket of my jacket. Good, it’s still there. I took a deep breath, still on the run. I can do this. 

“Hey, babe!” I shouted, the sounds of sirens and cops drowning out. 

“Yeah?” you replied, looking back at the commotion behind us before turning back around to look at me.

“Marry me?” I proposed, holding a wedding ring box with a ruby ring inside. The band was a silver color and made with palladium. Resting between four metal prongs was a ruby diamond in the shape of an oval. With a deep-red hue and beautiful glint, the jewel shone brighter than the sun, a close second to your stunning eyes. The gallery of the band had the words ‘My Partner in Crime’ engraved on it. I’m not gonna tell you it says that though, I’ll let you find out on your own. Mine was just a simple band made with the same material as yours, but I loved it whether or not it had a gemstone. Besides, you were always the more flashy one, so a flashy ring for an even flashier person. 

“Seriously?” You rolled your eyes, disbelief coated your face. But despite seeming annoyed, I could tell you were secretly happy by the red tint of your cheeks and the forced frown. 

“What?” I gestured to the crowd of cops behind us. “If I’m gonna die, I wanna at least be married to you!” I defended, taking another shot behind me real quick. “Now you gonna say yes or what?”

Arching a brow, you snorted at me with a grin, cheeky as ever. “What makes you think I’m gonna say yes?” 

“What makes you think I’m gonna let you say anything besides yes?” I scoffed, grinning back, still holding the ring box open. 

Sighing dramatically, you rolled your eyes again with that same cheeky grin. “Guess I don’t really have a choice, now do I?”

“Nope!” I slipped the ring onto the ring finger on your right hand with a shameless smirk. I was already wearing mine, thank god you didn’t notice it. Not that you would’ve noticed it in the past two hours with me wearing gloves. “You’re stuck with me for the rest of your life whether you like it or not!”

“Oh no!” you sarcastically wailed out. “What a nightmare!”

“Rude!” I stuck my tongue out at you like a child throwing a temper tantrum. “You’re supposed to say, ‘Why, that’s all I could ever ask for in life!’”

“Oh, I didn’t know my own wedding proposal had a fucking script!” You stuck your nose in the air, pretending to throw a fit. 

“Yeah, didn’t you read the terms and conditions when you decided to date me?” I kicked a trash can behind me to slow the cops down. “At the bottom in fine print, it said, ‘Must follow script when being proposed to.’”

“Oh no, I must’ve missed it,” you deadpanned, rolling your eyes again, looking like you wanted to strangle me. 

“My, what a terrible fiancé you are!” I gasped with my hand over my chest, jokingly offended at your words. I then gave a quick peck on your cheek as best as I could while running from the police. “I’ll forgive you since I love you just that much.”

Your left eye twitched as you strained a smile. “Why, how gracious of you–”

“And also because I’m just that amazing–”

“I’m gonna fucking kill you!” you threatened, elbowing me hard in the side. 

“Well…” I want to do something. I want to kiss you. I wanted to taste your sweet as ever lips again. I checked the GPS on my watch. There’s a shortcut after this turn. I’ll drop a smoke bomb and take some shots at them again and then pull you into the alleyway. 

And that’s what I did. Once both the smoke bomb was set off and I had taken some shots at them, I grabbed your arm and pulled you into the alley. With you right behind me, it was the perfect time. 

I pulled you down behind a trash can, hiding us from getting caught by the cops. I then cupped your cheeks, licking my lips and taking a few seconds to catch my breath before pressing them onto yours.  

Mouth slightly gaping open and brows furrowed, you tried to push me away while your hands were still full, still focused on the cops behind us. “What are you–”

Well, focus on me for a second. I planted my lips onto yours, tasting your strawberry chapstick first. Beneath all that disgustingly fake strawberry taste, it was you, the love of my life. 

We only kissed for about 3 seconds, but it was just as magical as the rest of them, maybe even better because this time, we were kissing as an engaged couple. 

“I love you,” I whispered in your ear, sending chills down your side. 

Cheeks painted scarlet, you whispered back, “I love you too.”

I pressed my forehead against yours with a soft smile. “I know.”

“God, we can’t have one good moment where we’re being serious, can we?!” You pushed me off and crossed your arms. 

“Nope!” I chuckled with a playful grin. 

“They’re over here!” one of the cops shouted, pointing in our direction. 

“Shit!” I cursed and grabbed your hand. “Come on, this way!”

“Hold on!” You barely managed to grab the last duffle bag as I pulled you towards the building we were supposed to meet the other guys at. 

I checked the map again. Just a couple more twists and turns and we’ll be there. I threw another smoke bomb behind us, their shouts and screams bringing a smile to my face. Just then, I had an idea. 

“Ya know…” I started, earning a confused hum from you, “since I already proposed to you like this, might as well have our wedding ceremony now too.” 

Staring at me with both your mouth and eyes wide open, looking almost offended that I said that, you pointed to the herd of cops chasing after us. “Dude, what the hell?! Not the time! Hell, it wasn’t even the right time to propose to me!”

“Ah, but you still said yes,” I quipped in a singsong voice. You didn’t exactly say yes, but it was close enough. Besides, you said that you loved me, so that’s basically a yes. “Also, since we’re technically wanted in over twenty countries, we probably can’t get legally married, so this is the best we can do.”

“I’m fucking divorcing you the second we get married,” you angrily grumbled. 

“Yeah, yeah, do that after we recite our vows and become officially married.”

“Fine,” you groaned, taking another peek behind us. I did too, and it seems like there’s a good distance between us. I check the directions on my watch again. We should make it there in about five to eight minutes, just enough time for us to recite our vows if we rush. 

“You go first. I wanna hear you tell me how much you love me.” I smirked cheekily, knowing that would probably piss you. But that’s fine with me, you’re hot when you’re angry. 

“You fucking attention whore.” You grit your teeth at me, rolling your eyes for the hundredth time today. 

“Come on, spit it out,” I singsonged, snickering at the way you were glaring at me. God, I’m tired. Whatever, we’re almost there. 

“Ugh, fine!” Taking some time to come up with a good-enough vow off the top of your head, you gnawed at your bottom lip as you slung the other duffle bag over your shoulder, panting heavily. “Uh, I guess, I love you so much, I can’t imagine a life without you?”

“Don’t say it like it’s a question!” I whined, feeling tempted to trip you and leave you to be caught by the cops. “Come on, you can do better than that!”

“You try coming up with this shit!” you rebutted with a pout. 

“Hah, if telling you how much I love you was a sport, I’d be a god damn Olympic champion!” I boasted with a smug grin. 

“Then you go first!” 

“Alright then!” I grabbed your hand and kissed it as best as I could, holding onto it while we were still running. I threw another smoke bomb to disorient the cops, running into the building and up the stairs, making our way to the rooftop. Once we were there, having very little time, I grabbed both your hands and cupped them with both of my hands, squeezing them with all my love. I took a deep breath and began. 

“I love you. I love you more than anything in this world. You’re the light of my life, my one and only. Every passing day I’m with you, I fall more and more in love with you, and I don’t ever want you to stop. Love is such a painful concept, but with you, it’s like I’m in Heaven in this hellhole called Earth. But if being in Hell meant being with you, I’d take Hell over Heaven any day. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Whenever I’m with you, it feels like I’m floating on Cloud 9. To be able to call you mine feels like a dream, and if this is all a dream, I hope I never wake up. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about how fucking lucky I am to be with you. Every little thing you do makes my heart race, and your smile is my favorite thing in the world. We’re not perfect, but we make it work, and I’m sure as hell glad that we do because without you in my life, everything would just be meaningless. I know we’re fucked up as all hell, but as long as we’re fucked up together, I couldn’t care less. To put it shortly…”

I cupped your face and pressed my forehead against yours again, whispering, “You mean the world to me, and I want nothing more than for you to be mine forever. I love you.”

Blushing furiously, you placed your hand over mine and mumbled, “How am I supposed to top that?”

“How about you just kiss me and we’ll leave it at that?” I chuckled, smiling softly at your adorable reaction. 

“That I can do,” you whispered with a grin before pressing your lips onto mine. Your arms wrapped around my neck as mine wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer into me. This probably wouldn’t be an ideal wedding ceremony to anybody sane, but guess that means we’re fucking insane, ’cause I loved it, and I know you do too. 

“Uh, guys, this is sweet and all and it’s an honor to witness this, but you do realize that we’re still in the middle of a heist, right?” Matt interrupted. “Also, we’re here, so get your asses up here.”

I pulled away and clicked my tongue. “Was starting to wonder when you’d come in and fucking ruin it.”

“Hey, I’m just tryna keep you guys from going to prison.”

“Yeah, yeah, shut it, pipsqueak, and let me kiss the love of my life a bit more.” I pressed my lips back on yours, indulging in your oh-so addicting taste. God, I’ll always love kissing you. If I died from kissing you, I’d die happy. 

But it seems like I’ll need a raincheck on my death, especially since it was some fucking cops killing me and not your delicious lips. 

“Stay where you are!” one of them shouted, all of them pointing their guns at us. 

“Or what?” I teased, throwing another smoke bomb at time, snickering at their foolish attempts to stop us. I look over to my side and see the ladder already out and ready for us. Heh, seems like I might actually have to thank him later; should probably also thank him for setting us up too. God, that’ll go straight to his fucking head. 

I grabbed your hand and dragged you towards the ladder, both us stepping on the same rung, holding onto opposite sides of the rope’s railing. I wrapped an arm around your waist, making sure that you wouldn’t fall. 

“Bye, losers!” I shouted, furious glares and shots fired at us; well, mainly me. Whatever, their aim sucks ass anyway. I gave you one more kiss as we flew away, gunshots going off like fireworks in the background. As ear-piercing as they were, the only thing I could focus on was you, my lovely partner in crime. I guess normal people don’t use that term literally, but I’ve already established that we’re not normal. 

Once we climbed into the helicopter, I pulled the ladder up, set it aside and closed the door while you plopped the duffle bags onto the floor. After that was done, we took a seat, and I intertwined my hand with yours, planting a soft, chaste kiss on it.  

“Congrats, you two!” Everybody cheered, shot glasses out and ready for us. 

“I always knew you two were made for each other,” Matt bragged with a cocky grin. “After all, I was the one who set you guys up together.”

And there it was. God, that bastard takes a lot of pride for being the cause of our relationship. I guess I gotta give him some credit. After all, without him, I never would’ve been able to be with you. 

“Yeah, yeah, thanks, fucker.” I rolled my eyes and raised a glass to him, getting an overly self-satisfied smirk from him. Man, his ego is huge. 

Snaking an arm over your shoulder, I pulled you into me, placing a kiss on your forehead. “I love you.”

Kissing my lips in return, we both smiled into the kiss, your hand resting on my chest as mine remained over your shoulder. 

“You gonna say it back or what?” I teased, a light chuckle following my words.

“Was just about to.” You pressed another kiss on my lips, less deep and passionate as the last one, but still as wonderful. “I love you.” 

“Yeah, you better,” I scoffed, ruining the serious and sincere moment again, but oh well. Besides, we’re not made for that. 

Instead of throwing a fit and pushing me again, you just chuckled, your smile warming my heart. “You’re the reason why we can’t have nice things.” 

“Well, if you wanted nice things, you should’ve thought twice about dating me, let alone marrying me,” I murmured while pressing soft kisses on your neck, tickling you and getting to hear your lovely laugh in return. 

“Well, I’d choose you over nice things anyday.” Putting your hand under my chin and raising it, your lips settled on mine once more, my arms wrapping around your waist once more, closing the small distance between us; well, any distance between us is too big for me. 

Your hand eventually left my chin, finding its way around my neck and intertwining with your other hand. Because of the helicopter, the kiss was rocky and rough, but we made it work, we always do. Your lips fit right into mine, and I pulled you up and onto my lap, your legs resting on opposite sides of my waist. I opened my eyes to take a quick peek at her. Flushed red, your cheeks were coated with a blanket of blush, desire and lust oozing out of you. I slipped my tongue into your mouth, your soft moan of pleasure like music to my ears. Despite your eyes being closed and still hungrily kissing me, I could tell that you were just like me- over the moon and hopelessly in love. I smiled into the kiss. Thanks for being mine. 

“Ugh, get a room, you fucking lovebirds.” Katelyn gagged, clutching her stomach to really tie the whole act together. 

We broke apart, and all that was left was a trail of saliva connecting our red and slightly puffy lips and lingering feelings. I wasn’t done with you, but oh well. I grinned, my arm moving from your waist to over your shoulder as you adjusted your seating position, sitting sideways on my lap with your arm around my neck.

“Oh, shut up, Katie, you’re just jealous,” I taunted with a smug smirk.

“Uh, yeah, that’s exactly why I want you two to stop.” She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms with a huff. Her frown slowly turned into a smile. “Congrats, I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thanks.” I smiled back. I knew that she secretly was happy for us, everybody here was. Maybe not secretly like Katelyn, but they were happy for us. We’re all fuck ups, and that’s what makes us such an unstable family. We’re all a disgrace and disappointment to our actual blood families, but at least we have each other. 

“So what’re you guys gonna do for your honeymoon?” Ethan asked.

“Yeah, you guys should have something planned out, right? I mean, you guys have been dating for like, what, 6 years, you’ve probably thought about marriage at least a couple times, right?” Jackie took a shot afterwards, probably her fifth shot in the past 30 minutes. That girl loves alcohol a little too much. 

“Hm…” I hummed, looking over to you for any kind of answer. All you did was shrug, which wasn’t that helpful, but I didn’t know what to do either, so I can’t really get mad at you. Taking some time to think, I chewed at the inside of my cheek, wondering what we could do for our honeymoon, which didn’t take too long.

“Wanna rob the National Bank of Egypt?” I chuckled, amused with my idea. Robbing a bank isn’t exactly something that could be done for a honeymoon, especially considering that it’s a fucking crime, but we’re criminals; we were made for this shit. Besides, a regular ol’ honeymoon like a beach vacation was boring as all hell, and we’re not boring, we're far from it. Being wanted in over twenty countries gets you a bounty on your head, what about that seems boring? 

Lips curling into a devilish grin, you planted a quick peck on my lips, which I wasn’t expecting, but hey, I’m not complaining, and I never will. 

“Hell yeah I do, baby,” you purred, a wicked smirk adorning your face. 

“Sweet,” I purred back right in your ear with a chuckle, tickling you softly. Raising a shot glass in the air, I shouted, “Alright, next stop, the National Bank of Egypt!”

Everybody cheered, gulping their vodka in one swift swig. I clinked my glass with yours, pressing my forehead against yours once more. 

“I love you,” I whispered, unbelievably happy. 

“I love you too,” you whispered back, your angelic giggle following your words. 

We gulped down our drinks and leaned into one another, my head resting on your shoulder while your head rested on mine. 

Our wedding wasn’t perfect in any shape or form, but neither are we. We may have almost died multiple times, but that’s just how we are, we live on the edge without a single fear. We’re crazy and unstable, but we complete each other. After all, we’re partners in crime for a reason. 

original song title - “She Keeps Me Warm” by Mary Lambert

her touch against mine

feels like a kiss from heaven.

the way her eyes subtly told me "i love you"

made my cheeks turn pink.

her laugh will forever be recorded in my heart

and i'll play it every night before bed.

when her arms are around me

i think to myself "don't ever let go."

her smile is the most beautiful thing to exist

and that will never be up for debate.

my first kiss was given to her

and i hope she ends up being my last.

every second spent with her

feels like something out of a fairytale

and i hope to spend the rest of my life with her.

but that'll never happen.

not anymore.

our lips will no longer feel

each other's love.

my only regret is that

i never cherished her smile enough.

her arms are no longer around me.

maybe i should've said it out loud instead of only thinking it.

i'll play her laugh every night before bed

and cry about how i will never be able to hear it again.

my cheeks don't turn pink over her eyes anymore

especially when they won't be able to tell me that she loves me.

her touch is cold and frigid

as she ascends to heaven.

maybe that's why her touch feels like heaven.

“Can’t you be civil for once?!

Slamming my fist on the table, I scowled at you, anger glazed over my eyes.

“Excuse me, you’re the one not being civil!” you shouted back, pointing your finger in my face. “I’m being as civil as one can be!”

“Oh, please, all you’ve been doing is whining and bickering like a little, fucking baby!” I shouted, standing up and slamming my fist on the table again, knocking your glass over.

“Well I can’t help it when you’re acting like a fucking bitch!” you stood up with me with a frightening glare that sent chills down my spine.

“Excuse me?! I’m the one acting like a bitch?!” I dug my nails into my palms to keep myself from slapping you. I wouldn’t want to ruin that dastardly attractive face of yours; though I’ll never say it to your face, at least, not anymore. “You’re the one that starts picking petty fights like a whiny piece of shit all the time!”

“Well that’s because you can’t do anything right! You’re such an incompetent shit, no wonder your kids fucking hate you–”

Before I knew it, my hand flung forward and slapped you, a red mark forming on your left cheek as tears rolled down my face, ruining my makeup. Perhaps I was wrong; you look so much better with a slap mark on your face.

“Don’t you ever bring my kids into this.” I glowered at you, not bothering to wipe my tears that were now falling onto the wooden table we picked out together.

Not saying a word, you gave me a death stare, your face flushing red with fury. I saw you curl your hands into fists, veins popping out from your muscular arms. I know that you could easily crush my head with your bare hands if you wanted to, which considering the situation, you probably wanted to now. But even so, I wasn’t scared. Not in the slightest. I was hurt. We were happy, so, so happy. You were always there for me, especially after my kids decided that I was no longer their parent. Every night, I’d cry, wishing that I could turn back time and fix all my wrongdoings, wishing that they’d come back to me. And every night, you’d hold me in your arms as you whispered sweet nothings into my ear and peppered kisses all over my face. Now every night, you’re sleeping on the couch and no one is holding me while I cry. What happened to us? All we do now is bicker, bicker, and bicker. I go to bed with a red slap mark on my cheek while you go to bed with the satisfaction of ‘putting me in my place.’ I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to fix this, to fix us. I love you, I truly do. So please, love me the way you used to.

With a smug and cocky grin, you crossed your arms over your chest. “No wonder your kids hate you.”

I was wrong again; I don’t love you.

Grabbing my glass filled with red wine, I threw it in your face, your white dress shirt quickly soaking up the beverage as the rest of it dripped to the floor. Stained red now, you uncrossed your arms, staring down at your shirt with incredulity and ire, just like the last time I got pissed and threw my drink at you. Tears came running down my face even faster than before, my lower lip quivering as I tried to maintain a scowl.

“Get out,” I whispered at first. “Get out!” Then I exploded.

With a gaping mouth, disbelief coated your face. “You can’t be serious–”

“Oh, I’m as serious as one can be,” I copied your words, watching the color drain from your face. “Get out! Get the fuck out!”

I rushed to our room, heading straight for our closet. I could hear you following me, trying to convince me otherwise but I didn’t bother paying attention to what you were saying. They weren’t worth my time anymore. I flung the door open and started chucking your clothes out, probably hitting you in the process.

“Pack your shit and leave! Don’t ever come back!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I’ll probably get a noise complaint later, but oh fucking well.

“Wha– Calm down!” You grabbed my shoulder to turn me back around.

“Get your flithy hands off of me, you asshole!” I tore your hand off my shoulder and went back to throwing your clothes out, quickly moving on to your other possessions once I was done with your clothes.

“Come on, just listen to me–”

“No!” I interrupted you again. Congrats, you’ve finally pushed me to the edge. “You listen to me! I’m done listening to your empty words! I’m done with this, I’m done with us, I’m done trying to fix something that was beyond repair!”

I’m tired. I’m so tired. I can’t do this anymore. This relationship was broken to begin with. I know we were happy, but at the end of the day, a glued-together vase is still a broken vase.

“Get out. Just get out,” I whimpered, desperately trying to wipe away my tears.

“But what about my things–”

“I don’t know, I’ll just burn them!” I screamed and pointed to the bedroom door. “Now get out before I burn you too!”

Glaring daggers at my trainwreck of an appearance, you clicked your tongue. “You’re being irrational, calm the fuck down–”

“Did you not hear me the first time, get the hell out of my house before I set your pain of an ass on fire!” I inched closer towards you, my nails digging into my palms once more, possibly drawing blood.

“Fine, you crazy bitch!” You shouted, storming out of the room.

“Oh, shut the hell up!” I followed you, making sure that you would actually leave. You grabbed your jacket before walking out, turning back around to face me after opening the front door.

“I hope you and your sorry ass burn in hell!” You stuck your middle finger at me.

“As to you, fucker!” I shouted back as you slammed the door shut. Once you were gone, I was left in silence, the only noise feeling the air was my panting.

Everything that had just happened began to process in my mind. Did I feel relieved, mad, or upset? I don’t know. All I know is that now, I’m just crying on the ground.

I hate you, I hate that I actually tried fixing our relationship, I hate that I had to endure that, I hate this shitty ass apartment, I hate that my kids don’t love me anymore, I hate my life, I hate me. I hate me.

.

.

.

I cried and cried, until I could cry no longer. I got up and took off my heels, throwing them to the side. Why the hell did we even wear shoes indoors, we’re indoors, we don’t need to be fancy. Whatever, I don’t care anymore. I made my way to the bathroom and turned on the lights, my reflection giving me a hell of a scare. God, I look fucking awful. I took a makeup wipe and started erasing the mess that was on my face. Once I did, I stared at myself a little longer. I still look terrible. My face was tearstained and red, just like your white dress shirt after I threw my wine at it; except for the fact that, ya know, you’d never shed a single tear for me.

did i ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

love you at ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

the wrong time, ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

or did i just ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

not love you ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

enough?

i could’ve sworn

we were happy

together.

what happened?

were we no longer

happy together,

or did the world

just decide that

our happiness

no longer

mattered?

no, i know

we were happy

together.

i know because

i loved you more

than life itself,

and so did you.

then why

was the world

so against

us

being together?

i don’t

believe in fate.

the choices i make

reflect the life

i lead,

not some supernatural

phenomenon.

but maybe,

just maybe,

if i had

believed in fate,

we would’ve

still been able

to have

our happy ever after.

God, the day has just started, and it already sucks! The first thing I did today was fall off my bed, giving me terrible back pain, only to find out that I woke up late and class starts in ten minutes, so I barely had any time to get ready. I didn’t brush my hair or my teeth, I threw on a white t-shirt and some shorts I found on the floor- and I’m not even sure if they’re clean -, I had to leave my apartment without any breakfast, and now I’m in the middle of traffic, making me even more late! Fuck!

Once I make it to the campus, I pull my phone out and check the time. Crap, I’m fifthteen minutes late, I have to hurry! With one backpack strap hanging off my shoulder, I sprint to class, teachers stopping me and telling me to walk- which I didn’t, obviously, ya girl is late to class, fuck you guys! 

Almost 20 minutes late, I fling the door open, hitting the door frame with a loud slam that echoed throughout the classroom. Panting heavily, I make eye contact with my teacher, who’s eyeing me up and down with a raised brow. 

“Sorry, Mr. Felix, I woke up late this morning,” I barely got out, panting between words. 

“I see,” he clicks his tongue, clearly annoyed at me for causing such a disruption. “Next time, maybe try arriving at class on time and without slamming the door open.”

A few snickers and giggles are scattered around the room, some students pointing and whispering about me to their friends. I roll my eyes and shoot a glare at them, making them shut up immediately. Ugh, fucking brats. 

“Now,” Mr. Felix started, eyeing me again, this time with a scowl, “why don’t you head on to the bathroom for a bit? Maybe…freshen up a bit.”

Even more snickers and giggles fill the room this time. Ugh, I bet he paused because he wanted to find a way to ‘put it nicely’. God, I hate this man.

“Fine, whatever,” I mutter, pulling the other backpack strap on my shoulder as I turn around to head to the bathroom. “Asshole.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing!” I slam the door shut after walking out, a cheeky grin spreading across my face. He’ll probably give me a low grade just because of this, but oh fucking well, I never liked his class in the first place. 

After applying a bit of makeup and making my hair look a little more presentable, I walk back to class. I make my way to a seat in the back, dumping my backpack next to my seat. Just as I sat down, my stomach growled, echoing throughout the classroom, just like the door I slammed open. 

Laughter fills the air, people turning around and pointing at me. Cheeks flushed and stomach hungry, I buried my face in my arms. God, what did I do to deserve this?! 

Once the laughter dies down, I pick my head back up and get my supplies out of my backpack. About to put my notebook down, I’m greeted by three lollipops tied together by a pink ribbon making a cute, little bow and a folded note. I look around, wondering who could’ve given it to me. Everybody seems too engrossed in the lesson to even give a fuck about me. Oh well I guess. I open the note, the paper adorned with cursive written in pink ink. 

You don’t seem to be doing so good, so here, have this :) I know it’s not much, but I hope it makes you feel better. I hope your day gets better too !

Aw, that’s sweet. I take one more look around, trying to find who could’ve given me such a sweet note. Nope, same result as last time. Maybe the girl next to me knows. 

“Hey,” I whisper and tap her shoulder, “did you see anybody-”

She turns around, and my heart skips a beat. 

Oh no, she’s cute!

With one golden-brown eye that emulated the warm feeling of autumn and another ocean-blue one that I wanted to drown in, a cotton-candy-pink tint decorated her cheeks as a silver lip ring embellished her rosy, glossy lips that looked oh-so-kissable. Wavy and long, her luscious, brown hair with pink streaks was tied up in a half-up, half-down, a few awry hairs tucked behind her ear. A soft smile spread across her face as her eyes began to sparkle, and I can feel my cheeks burning. The sun shone from behind, highlighting her magnificence, making her seem like an angel; I wouldn’t doubt it if she were one. Nobody’s perfect, and yet she somehow is the personification of perfect. 

Speak, say something, stop freezing up like an idiot, stop staring at her like a creep.

“Is there something you need?” God, even her voice is perfect. All the music in the world couldn’t compare to how angelic and beautiful her voice is. Smooth like butter and better than any song I’ll ever hear, I want to hear her talk again. 

“Um, uh, no- I mean yes, I do, um, maybe, I don’t know-” God, you idiot, can you form a proper, fucking sentence?!

“Ahem,” Mr. Felix clears his throat, staring right at me with a nasty scowl. Crap. “I don’t know if you’re aware, but class is in session. Not only do you rudely barge into class, you’re also now talking in my class. Do I need to send you to the office?”

Fuck, he’s pissed. “No…”

“Then stop talking and start paying attention before I decide that I do,” he demanded, glaring daggers at me.

“Sorry,” I mumble. Fuck, people are laughing again. Ugh, shut up for once. I take a peek at the girl next to me. She’s laughing too, but why am I not mad? Well, how could I be when her laugh feels like heaven and all I want to do is capture and seal it up in a jar to keep all for myself? I guess it’s fine if she doesn’t shut up…

Crap, she caught me staring! I quickly look away and bury my head in my arms again. Once I do, I hear another soft giggle. I want to look up, I want to see her adorable smile again, but I shouldn’t. She probably thinks I’m weird. 

I lift my head back up and rest my chin on my hand. I can’t stop thinking about her. My cheeks are probably really red. I take another peek at her. Her gaze is directed towards the lesson, but then she glances at me too. She smirks, winks, then turns her attention back to the front, a rosy tint painted on her cheeks. She didn’t do much, but I can already feel the butterflies in my stomach. Whatever, just focus on the lesson, there’s a test in a few days.

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.

.

Fuck, I can’t focus. I tried to write down some notes, but all I did was doodle some drawings. They’re mainly hearts- shit, did I fall in love?! No, that can’t be happening, I barely know her! I don’t even know her name for Christ’s sake! I look over at her again from the corner of my eye, my cheeks burning. She doesn’t seem to be paying attention to me, she’s writing notes down with that pretty-pink ink pen. I watch her tuck a stray hair behind her ear, pen still in hand. It all happened like it was in slow motion. Her hand finds its place back on the paper, writing some more. I bite my lower lip, staring less discreetly at her. I wonder what her hand would feel like in mine... 

No, wait, stop! You shouldn’t be thinking about that! You don’t even know her name, you can’t be falling in love so quickly! I direct my focus back to the front, listening to boring Mr. Felix; or at least I try to. How could I ever listen to Mr. Felix about some stupid math equations when there’s a literal goddess next to me? It’s just not possible. Taking another peek at her- god, I should really stop -, I find her already looking at me. Blushing hard, I buried my head in my arms for the third time this morning. I hear a soft giggle coming from her, and I can’t help but to see her beautiful face once more. Taking another quick glance at her, my heart feels like it’s about to explode. She has the prettiest, most breathtaking smile I’ve ever seen. I knew that already, but god, it’s the most beautiful smile to ever exist! God, my heart is pounding. A crimson-colored blush covers my cheeks like a blanket, and I should probably look away if I don’t want her to see how red I am; but I’m not going to, I don’t want to. I want to bask in her beauty just a little longer. 

Our eyes meet once more, but instead of looking away and pretending like I wasn’t staring like a complete fool, I hold her gaze; she does the same. 

In one eye, I see a fireplace, hot embers crackling as a howling snowstorm raged on outside. Up to our knees in snow, we’re bundled together in a red, wool blanket, huddling together for wamrth. Or maybe we just like being as close to each other as possible. With your hand intertwined with mine, you squeeze it and plant a quick but loving kiss on my forehead, my cheeks warming up and turning red. Sipping on hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows in the shape of hearts floating on top, I lay my head on your shoulder and gaze up at you, admiring your stunning beauty. The orange-red hue of the fireplace shone on you, illuminating and giving you a whole new kind of warmth. I watch the fire crackle in your eyes and smile to myself. I’m the only one who gets to see you in this light; these moments are all to myself. 

In the other eye, I see a sunny spring day with clear skies, no clouds to hide the pretty baby-blue shade of the sky. In a grassy field with daisies scattered throughout the meadow, we sit on a red-and-white checkered blanket, plates of mini sandwiches, cupcakes and cookies set out. Taking your beige sun hat off, you let your hair run free in the wind, your smile rivaling the sun, and I can’t help but smile to myself at how lucky I am to be able to spend this time with you. A daisy finds its way in your hair, getting tangled in your brown locks. I reach over to you and take it out, careful to not pull or tug on your hair too hard. When I do, I finally realize how close I’ve gotten to you. My cheeks flush red as you giggle at me for being so shy. You place your hand over mine, your thumb gently caressing my hand as you stare lovingly at me. You take your hand off to grab a sandwich, but I pull it back, intertwining my fingers with yours. Don’t let go, no matter what; I like your touch. 

I want to say something, I want to talk to her, I want to know more about her, I want to know her. I open my mouth to speak, but just as I do, the bell rings. 

“Alright, class is dismissed,” Mr Felix announces as he begins to wipe the board. “Remember to do chapters…”

I tune him out as I begin cleaning up, not caring what else he has to say. He’s probably going on about what our homework is for tonight, but frankly, I don’t give a shit. Homework is the last thing on my mind. She was the first thing on my mind. I look over at her, only to find her gone. Crap, I missed my chance. Just as I reach for my notebook, there’s another note. I wonder… I stuff it in my pocket and walk out. I’ll read it in the hallway. 

Once I’m out of gross Mr. Felix’s room, I take the note out and unfold it. I wonder who it’s from.

You’re pretty weird, you know that? But I like that about you. You’re also pretty cute, which I like about you too ;) And to answer your question, I was the one who gave you those lollipops and that note. I hope you enjoy them ! 

P.S - The name’s Briar, here’s my number, call me sometime ;) xxx-xxx-xxxx 

Holy shit. Wow, uh, holy crap. Did I just...Did she just...Oh my god, uh, that’s something. 

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OH MY GOD, DID SHE JUST CALL ME CUTE AND GIVE HER NUMBER?! HOLY SHIT, OH MY FUCKING GOD! 

Wait, calm down, calm down.

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.

Nope, can’t calm down, my heart feels like it’s about to jump out of my fucking chest. Jeez, this is just wow. I can’t believe it, there’s no way. I slap myself, which earns me a few weird stares from passing by students, but whatever, that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I felt it. Oh my god, I can’t believe this. She- Briar just gave me her number after all that weird shit I did. Maybe she likes me…? She thinks I’m cute, maybe. Oh my god, this doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe I just walked out of fucking Mr. Felix’s class with a cute girl’s number. Huh...maybe his class isn’t that bad...

i love you.

i love you more than anything in this world,

and there is nothing more i want in life

than for you to feel the same.

your smile

rivals the sun,

and your voice

is better than any song i’ll ever hear.

the moon doesn’t hold a candle

to the way your eyes shine,

and your touch 

will always be my favorite. 

you emulate the feeling

of safety and warmth,

and the kindness of your heart

makes me want to be a better person.

i want you to feel the same.

i want you to tell me

you think of me

the same way i think of you.

the thought of 

being able to hold you in my arms

and being able to call you mine

is something i wish upon a star every night.

to hear you say the words

“i love you” to me

is something that would only come true 

in my dreams.

i want it to be more than a dream,

to become my reality,

but do i

really want that?

what if you

feel the same

and i’m not

what you want?

what if you

finally notice

that i’m filled with

flaws, faults, and failures?

what if you 

realize that it was 

a mistake

ever falling for me?

what if my smile

isn’t as wonderful as you thought,

and my voice 

makes your ears bleed? 

what if my eyes

are too dull and lifeless for you,

and my touch

makes you feel dirty and gross?

what if i make you feel 

nervous and threatened,

and the nature of my heart

scares you?

i don’t want you

to reject me,

but please don’t

say you feel the same. 

i want my 

broken heart mended,

but please don’t try and fix it;

you might make it worse.

title- "one of one" by duendita

if we were having coffee,

the sun would be shining,

birds would be chirping,

and i'd get to see your smile once more.

if we were having coffee,

your laugh would fill the air,

and i'd want to capture it in a jar

all for myself.

if we were having coffee,

i'd find myself staring drowning

in your ocean-blue eyes,

but it's not like i mind.

if we were having coffee,

i'd get sugar, spice and everything nice

while you'd get

bitter, bland, and everything...not nice.

if we were having coffee,

we'd swap drinks

and gag over how

different and "weird" our drinks were.

if we were having coffee,

we'd talk for hours on end,

changing topics like

a girl changes clothes.

if we were having coffee,

we'd ignore the weird glances of passersby

because we'd be in our own little world,

just the two of us.

if we were having coffee,

i'd gloat to all the people

who can't have you because

you're the girl all the bad guys want.

if we were having coffee,

our lips would be reunited,

and beneath all the bitter-tasting coffee,

it'd be you.

if we were having coffee,

i'd remind you how much i love you, because

in case you don't live forever, let me tell you now,

i love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around.

if we were having coffee,

i'd get to be with you one more time

and fall in love

all over again.