So here I stand, back at it again.

Heading to retraining camp.

I don’t want it to be chalked up to another loss.

Spring will mark the sobriety date stamp.

God please give me the strength to battle this once more time.

Oh lord, do you see me standing here alone.

I need change, I need your help

Cause we all know change don’t occur overnight.

Years of running, this has become my life. I rather not admit it, cause of all the shame I have to carry. Oh lord, please help me.

My decision has continued to haunt me and no longer do i have the strength to fight this alone.

God please give me the strength to battle this once more time.

Oh lord, do you see me standing here alone.

I need change, I need your help

Cause we all know change don’t occur overnight.

This time, I need to give you my all.

I’ll surrender myself and allow your hands to take over. I don’t want to hit another brick wall. Oh lord guide me with your light, because change don’t happen overnight.

(Thanks for the inspiration to a friend of mine! We all are rooting for you!! ❤️)

Thinking about you, thinking about me and thinking about what’s best for this mess

Why can’t you just come clean and fucking confess.

All the lies, the games that were played on my heart. I was real with you from the start. You grew on me but in the end left me sit here in such a fucking mess.

Thought you were worth it, but it’s shown that you lied to give perception of what and who you want to be - however it was never the real you.

Clear as day, the real you shows through

Pain is written across face but instead you want to live in this crazy ass rat race.

Thinking about you, thinking about me and thinking about what’s best for this mess

Why can’t you just come clean and fucking confess.

Wiping the slate clean and pushing through the aftermath of what this caused because, I totally fell the hell apart.

Keep the memories, maybe one day you’ll see, I always was thinking of you, me and the best.

You were too busy keeping up this facade, because it’s too painful to expose the real you.

Thinking about you, thinking about me and thinking about what’s best for this mess

Why can’t you just come clean and fucking confess.

Nothing But Troubles

I thought I needed you, you picked me up when I was low, for a moments time everything was better.

Pains, problems and worries all went away. You’re grip has a powerful way, had me constantly running back.

Even though, the outside voices and consequences lingered vaguely in the back of my mind, I couldn’t keep you gone for too long. No one understood that it was you that took all the hurt away.

When I couldn’t find you, I searched harder.

It gradually turned into a vicious circle, my mind couldn’t get you out of it. I needed you. Eventually nothing seemed to matter besides you. You’d come calling, and I’d come running.

How could you say instill those words into my head, you didn’t love me and you weren’t there for me.

You’d whisper one thing to me, and in the same line you were taking it all back, leaving me in a depression pondering my own thoughts.

You wanted to isolate me into your darkness, keep me all to yourself.

My Savior has come to save me. He won’t allow me to drowned any more. His mercy has taken all my burdens and shame, with his presence I can conquer this internal battle.

He is here to break the chain, gloom and doom I won’t sit in, he has loosened the grip death has put on me.

I should have listened, instead went against better judgment.

Little did I know it would lead to unwanted events of a vicious tornado.

You came in and within moments time, you’d be gone leaving a destructive mess.

You would always resurface and maybe it was the empty promises that always lead me to letting you back in.

Over time, your lies became transparent and when you were called out, the demon living inside your head tried even harder to get smarter to keep up his façade.

With each passing moment it only got worse.

A wrenching game of emotional torture formed on a foundation of deception and lies that I allowed myself to sink in it all.

It was only when reality slapped me in my face when I was the center of your lies, so that your demon and you could continue to keep blinding everyone else.

Now, I know that the conflict between you and your demon is impossible to try and even stop. There’s no place for anyone in your life besides the creature that whispers in your head. Until he is dead and gone, your life will continue on this painful vicious cycle.

Change doesn't have to be a complex step, or even have to be drastic.

Change can start simply with something as simple as a word.

Changing words to describe ones vocabulary has the ability to create the beginning of change.

Thinking in a more descriptive manner allows a stronger and more descriptive impact or point, it makes a more concrete statement.

Think of the word "mad", with using this word, what is one describing?

Mad? Is one upset, annoyed or possibly just frustrated, because what's mad? Change the word, it has now becomes a more solid message.

Change begins to ease the mind even using it in the most simplest of forms. The mind relaxes thus allowing a clearer path within all the running wave lengths, leading the brain to relax, respirations become more depressed ultimately causing a calming state within the entire body, which transpires off and inspires others.

Change not only has the effect on one, but it also can play aa a domino effect, trickling down ever so gradually touching the objects that surround them.

One can't change the world, although the inspiration that spirals around them can create a big enough source of energy to slowly now change outside ones self.

Life experiences all have a purpose in our journeys. Each person we encounter plays a part in this adventure we call life. Whether these will bring good, bad, happy, or sad moments, they all in the end help us. People cross our paths each day, some stick out more, some have a strong impact, some enter to help us momentarily, some, just flies on the walls and some enter again down the road after some time has passed. Reconnections!!! When using in a positive journey the reconnections we come across seem to always have a good size impaction. I was in pain, lost in a world of darkness, I didn’t have a clue on where to turn. I did what I knew best, I wrote and wrote. I wanted an ear to hear, I sent it off Becuase you understood, two decades later our paths crossed once again. There was a reason, some reasons we never figure out why we cross one another’s path, but at times we’re blessed enough to figure everything out. I needed a light, I didn’t need to be coddled, I needed a voice to help me understand. I wasn’t afraid to let you into my darkness because I knew you could help me slowly get out of it. You never told me I was making the right or wrong decision, instead you could empathize all the emotions and guide me through. As you watched me run in circles through a repetitive hellish cycle, when my mind thought I was so weak, you pushed me through. As each day passed forward, you reminded me how I was getting stronger, this has been a torturous emotion ride. I know the rollercoaster has yet to finish, and time will only tell when I’ve finally had enough. So within this reconnection, I can truly say, I’m hundred blessed that you once again entered I path.

Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Do you ever wish you could do this all over again?

Do you wish you could have done this all by yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to let yourself surrender?

Have you gotten to the point that this can’t only be it?

Can you you hold me high and give me the faith I need?

Because, have you ever disliked yourself?

Have you ever been scared to let yourself unfold?

Can you hold me tight, and never let go?

Please break the chains and set the demons free.

Their game of tug of war is getting old,

And life seems to be getting to cold

Do you know what its like when you turn away from the mirror,

Do you know how hard it is to face this unknown person face to face?

Do you know how confusing this life can actually be?

Do you know how hard it is to try and control the emotions?

Can you hold me high and give me the faith I need?

Because, have you ever disliked yourself?

Have you ever been scared to let yourself unfold?

Can you hold me tight  and never let go?

Please break the chains and set the demons free.

Their game of tug of war is getting old,

And life seems to be getting to cold

On my knees, crying out stay with me now,

Your presence makes me feel better and I need to start to heal.

Please don’t leave me now,

Hold me high, and take the pain away.

Set the demons free, break the chains.

This life is no longer fulfilling.

Hold me high, take the pain away.

Set the demons free, break my chains.

Easy paths in life only give in the moment delusions, a quick fix to the present tense.  

Why is the comfortablility of the past such a lingering curse?  Is it because the road with all the obstacles and detours have more struggles and consume to much energy and effort?

 Unfortunately, if the road comes to easy to go down, it usually means the life ahead won’t be fulfilling or amazing.  Success and true happiness doesn’t come from sitting in treading waters, or stepping backwards, it comes from the inner strength to keep pushing forward.  

No one said this path is easy, it will never be as simple as 1,2,3 or A, B,C.  

The obstacles, the ups, the downs, and struggles won’t always be waiting there with an instant gratification.

There will be moments of weakness, you’ll want to break down revert back to what you know; self-destruct, and even want to say fuck this world.

But know this, in the end you’re never alone, I’ll be there for you.

I’ll be by your side through the good and the bad.

I’ll be there whether you’re happy or sad.

I’ll be there when the sun is shining bright and I’ll be there through the darkest days when your sitting in fright. I’ll be you’re strength when your weak, to help push you to your highest peak.

I’ll be here to pull you out of the hole, because you’ve already begun to capture this soul.

When you turn to look around on the darkest days, and you’re looking around for an outlet- who can you turn to?  A path of destruction leads to not having anyone there, besides a quiet surrounding of cold and gloom.

So at times, we choose to say screw it and try hard to not fall into footprints of the past.  

This struggle is real, this struggle is painful, this struggle is hard.

You have to know, though its not an easy trail, I’ll be here when you start to get frail.

I’ll be by your side through the good and the bad.

I’ll be there whether you’re happy or sad.

I’ll be there when the sun is shining bright and I’ll be there through the darkest days when your sitting in fright. I’ll be you’re strength when your weak, to help push you to your highest peak.

I’ll be here to pull you out of the hole, because you’ve already begun to capture this soul.

I’ll exhaust my energy, I’ll pull you through, I see your good, and want you to know that when there’s no one else around, because they are all still sitting on the easy path, I’ll always be here to pull you through.  

I’ll be by your side through the good and the bad.

I’ll be there whether you’re happy or sad.

I’ll be there when the sun is shining bright and I’ll be there through the darkest days when your sitting in fright. I’ll be you’re strength when your weak, to help push you to your highest peak.

I’ll be here to pull you out of the hole, because you’ve totally captured this soul.

Remember, I’ll always be here for you

It’s a puzzle of strategy and I’m exhausting myself mentally to always be one step ahead. The devil thinks he’s smarter, sadly he’s only stronger. He thinks he’s slick when he’s craving, tries to convince himself that these eyes can’t see through the manipulation and lies.

It’s even harder when the devil wins from his strength. Leaves me at my knees crying out, somebody please help. Staying ahead only makes me not turn blind, but he knows my heart is too damn kind and I’m always here when you are drained.

He turns you into something your not, he turns you against the people who care, shining self absorption into your world because he is the only one in the moment that he wants you to think about. Whispering in your ear, one more hit because he knows your feelings of shame and guilt are there and the pull of getting better is standing in front of you - but he doesn’t want that for you. He is lonely, miserable and lost, and wants company so keeps pulling you in.

I plead and beg, cry and kick, swear and punch because I know he has once again overpowered my energy and won yet again

Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Do you ever wish you could do this all over again?

Do you wish you could have done this all by yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to let yourself surrender?

Have you gotten to the point that this can’t only be it?

Can you you hold me high and give me the faith I need?

Because, have you ever disliked yourself?

Have you ever been scared to let yourself unfold?

Can you hold me tight, and never let go?

Please break the chains and set the demons free.

Their game of tug of war is getting old,

And life seems to be getting to cold

Do you know what its like when you turn away from the mirror,

Do you know how hard it is to face this unknown person face to face?

Do you know how confusing this life can actually be?

Do you know how hard it is to try and control the emotions?

Can you hold me high and give me the faith I need?

Because, have you ever disliked yourself?

Have you ever been scared to let yourself unfold?

Can you hold me tight  and never let go?

Please break the chains and set the demons free.

Their game of tug of war is getting old,

And life seems to be getting to cold

On my knees, crying out stay with me now,

Your presence makes me feel better and I need to start to heal.

Please don’t leave me now,

Hold me high, and take the pain away.

Set the demons free, break the chains.

This life is no longer fulfilling.

Hold me high, take the pain away.

Set the demons free, and break these chains.