Baby, we were different from the rest. You weren't the fire in my belly. You were the ice that healed my swollen wound. The warmth from my wounds slowly melted you away. When you were gone and there was nothing left of you but the tear stains on my shirt, I realized how much I needed you. When you were here, I hated your cold touch, but now that you're gone I miss you. I want you back. My wounds have been healed by your touch over time. I long for the cold touch of you once again even though I know I don't need it. I'm sorry for melting you away. I know what I did was not fair. You were only trying to help. To give me everything you could. And I took it without thinking twice. Without giving back. But what can fire possibly give to ice. That's what we were. Fire and Ice. You healed my wounds and I took it without giving anything in return. Fire and Ice were never meant to be, but you tried.

Shit hurts. That's the reality of life. You think that things will get better and it will, but eventually it will get bad again. You'll feel yourself slipping back into that darkness. You'll see it coming and that's the most terrifying part about all of this. You see it, but can do nothing. Soon, you will be able to hold off the feeling for a while. The thing that you need to remember is that this is not you. It's your brain doing it to you. You can tell your brain to fuck off, but it won't. The important part of this is to remember that your brain is an organ. It can mess up too. You just have to know how to fix it. Soon, you learn to live with your brain and it won't hate you anymore. You can learn to tell it to be quiet and not listen to the awful thoughts that it has. Things will get better, but you have to want them to. It won't happen overnight. It's a process. It can be learned and I know you can do it. Stay strong. Okay? Remember, if nobody else tells you, I love you. I need you here. Don't give up before you are able to see the wonders of the world.

Snow days,

A constant reminder that we are trapped

That we do not control the weather

Or the outcome.

That He is always determining what will happen to us.

So perhaps He had it in his plans all along

That I would sleep for 12 hours straight

Only to wake up,

Eat,

And take a nap.

But what if there was more to my life than this?

#PassThePen

#Poetry

#SomethingGreater

I wonder if you heard my heart hit the floor during our class together when the teacher said the word cynical.

I wonder if you saw my eyes leave the classroom and focus on a memory of us together: “I would consider myself to be a cynical badass.”

“I would say you’re just an asshole.” I reply laughing deeply. That moment should have been a warning for me. I should have known.

“Well maybe, but cynical badass makes it sound better.” You look back at me with that same sparkle in your eye that you always have when you talk to me. I think it was that sparkle that gave me the wrong idea.

Cynical- “concerned only with one’s own interests”

Badass- “a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person”

Intimidating? No. God, no. You were so far from intimidating to me.

I wonder if you could feel my muscles grow weak at the word cynical. This is just a history class, but I can’t even type my notes properly now.

I glance over to you to see if you’re hearing, feeling, and seeing what I am. But the way your head turns to look at me and quickly darts away, tells me that you don’t.

I think that’s what hurts most. That you don’t show any emotion towards how I feel after all of this. It hurts that you were right. You are cynical. You are, maybe, a badass. But most of all, you are an asshole. And I love you.

So I guess, in some way, I was right too. I knew you would leave and you told me that you wouldn’t. But you did. And now I’m left here wishing that you could feel my love reaching out to you.

I don’t know what to do. Some days I think I’m getting better, but then it all turns to shit and I’m crying in class because the teacher said the word cynical while describing the government during the stock market crash.

But people will still tell me, it will get better.

What gets me up in the morning when there’s nothing to live for? That is a question that I stopped thinking about long ago. When I wake up in the morning I think of all the little things in my life that I am grateful for or that I look forward to doing throughout the day. A few years ago, I would have said that the only reason I wake up is to move on to a different stage of my life. Well, that and that my mom would be sad if I didn’t. The last time I told my parents that I wanted to kill myself, they made me sit in front of them while the both of them were in tears and they lectured me on why I shouldn’t. That moment scared the shit out of me. It made me never want to tell them that ever again. It also made me think of the tears falling down their cheeks everytime I had those bad thoughts again.

Their tears weren’t what kept me going. What kept me going was something that my dad said through his tears, “There will be better days, but if you give up now you will never get to see them.”

It was something that my grandmother told me when we were baking together, “You know people always say that high school is the best few years of your life. I kept thinking to myself, if that’s true then I may as well die right now. I didn’t though and look where it got me. I have you.”

Now, I wake up every morning and I think about what the day will hold. It doesn’t matter that about 99.9% of the things that I think about never happen. What matters is that I am making plans for my future. Even if my future is just a couple of hours from now.

I used to wake up and think, It’s just a matter of time. Soon I will be dead and I won’t have to worry about life anymore. What a terrible way to wake up. It is a blessing to see the frost cover the branches of a tree. It is a blessing to hear somebody laugh their real laugh. It is a blessing to see somebody smile at the love of their life. It is a blessing to take a deep breath and smell that first day of spring. It is a blessing to to keep living. So keep living. Soon you’ll wake up and you will notice the small things and you will be so happy that you chose to stay alive to see them.

#Live

#Happy

#Laugh

#StayAlive

Happiness has been gone for a long time. She’s a long lost friend that I constantly miss and think about. I see my friend sometimes. I remember what it’s like to be with her, but I never really get the same feeling back.

I remember Happiness when I am walking outside. The changing of the leaves reminds me of her. I see her when I watch children playing on the jungle gym. I see her when I watch boys ask girls to prom. I see her all the time, but she isn’t with me. I understand that it’s hard to be with everybody when there’s over 7 billion people on this earth. That isn’t including all of the animals that deserve Happiness to.

Sometimes I think that she has forgotten about me, that she has moved on to more important things to focus on. That’s the thing about Happiness. She is so busy all the time, but she always makes time to visit me, even if she can’t stay as long as I’d like. She visited me recently, but left soon after her arrival. I love that warm feeling inside my chest when I am with her.

Happiness introduced me to Love. See Love is two-faced. Love will make you feel so good sometimes. Love will give you an even better feeling than Happiness can. Love makes your chest expand and feel like it’s going to explode, but in a good way. Love can also hurt you. Love can hurt you so bad that it seems like Happiness will completely have forgotten about you. Then Love comes in a new form and reminds you that Love is not just romantic. It is friendship and companionship too. Love shows me animals that I want to cuddle for as long as I am on this world.

Love introduces me to people that care for me so much that I forget when Love introduced me to Depression and Anxiety. Love is two-faced. Love will give you these amazing things, but once Happiness arrives at the party, Love gets jealous. Then Love steals away the things that you need. Love hires two hitmen; Depression and Anxiety. They kill Happiness. They take away everything that Love showed you. They make you stay under your covers until it feels like you’re suffocating. They will make you feel like Happiness has forgotten to pay you a visit. In reality they are fighting to keep her away from you.

You shouldn’t worry. Happiness is a badass. She will keep fighting every day. Eventually she will reach you. Eventually, she’ll stay with you forever instead of leaving. Love will come back and Happiness will negotiate with Love to be kind to you. Happiness will be your knight in shining armour whenever Depression and Anxiety try to come back. Happiness will show you how to use Love to find yourself. She will tell you how to spread her through the world. You should listen to what she has to say.

#Happiness

#Live

#Positive

#BeHappy

#Smile

#Love