I finally went out with a friend group for soca night, then two bad biddies put something in my drink that night. Two Weeks later I fell at my job and injured my back and was on workers comp. When feeling better they let me go. A week later i got a new job. Then my life turned upside down. Two week later when I just finished with training, I got ran over by a GMC vehicle while biking to work. Not a soul to be their or come while I almost lost my life.

I revealed to my family how my step father sexually abused me as a child and how i tried to figure how to tell them since I was in middle school because I didn't want to ruin their happiness. How I am the black sheep that thrives. They try to take my happiness but I still have joy inside. How the only real relationship I have in blood is dysfunctional. That being left alone to die wasn't enough. That they have to tell others I'm angry and want to kill my love ones even though I never show a violent side or say mean words. I never take it too far but yet they still feed on others words. That my soulmate is married and in a process of divorce. That even though I'm known by everybody I still have to remain hidden until the family is pleased with divorce papers and the legal litigation. That everywhere I go its it's the same bullshit just different situations. Trying to make money off of my skills is my new sensation. Being in pain everyday, discrimination from doctors so I still feel the same way. Waiting for my lawyers to call and finally hear the day, that I have some money to finally heal my body the right way. I can get my brain looked at because it got hurt among the way. My body is my temple but I feel like a stole away. It's like I'm in a new body, figuring how it works day to day. Praying for God to continue to guide me.

I don’t think I know where to start because it all seemed so unreal. It’s like when I start to think one way then my feelings caught a deal and now I’m lost both ways. Trying to figure out what’s the big ordeal . Love is such a foreign thing, that makes you do crazy things. Growing up I knew that the person for me would never cheat. That they would be open with communication, trusting and free. That they would be single with no kids and in that aspect we would be worried free. Then I met you and everything changed. Sometimes I feel like I compromise with my feelings but I’m the one to blame. What to do when everything you have been getting yourself ready to have came in pieces with no instructions. Some say it wasn’t meant for me then, but what if it was. What if we were handed everything that we ever wanted we just had to pick it up. We just had to find out what needs to be put together and how to fix it for when it’s broken but that’s only if we try and don’t try to evoke it. when it doesn’t work the first time. That we all love and live and sometimes things don’t work out calling an oil spill or thrill either way it nothing going as planned so time to eat the next meal. Time is the true healing for all the feelings, hurt, and pain. Blessing among with lessons as long as they aren’t the same. That everyone is not the same, that love, happiness secured living and support is what we aim. That everyday won’t be bad, and everyday won’t be good but as long as we have each other there will always be good. Things might not add up until we put ourselves into equation and then after that there’s no limitations.

Losing my mind slowly, trying to perfect my craft quietly while moving silently. Loving blindly and screaming inside of me…

Another one bites the dust as I try to wash the rust that erodated on my heart. Pumping love in each artery seems like it takes hours for it to unlock. Like a mission i keep trying until its complete. Taking short breaks as I walk down the street, trying to remain sane in this heat. So much bloodshed in these streets. Slave patrol with their badges and want respect like detective gadget. Pretending not to know anything like Roger rabbit, then wait for a few months for it to quiet down like poof it vanish, call it tragic.

Killing my brothers and sisters is their bad habit. Mocking my indgeious people is their fun fab , till someone who has money takes a statement and simple minded people soon start to praise them but shows no true appreciation for the cause only hatred. Feeding into the fire of hate, wondering why the wrong things are what change; then they want to complain when it starts to impact them but then realizes it's too late.

That its harder to take a stand on cause when you're being inflicted. Being black or brown easily gets you rephrended… or killed. Dropping bodies is a thrill, time for a revolution or another oil spill. Distracting us from the real cause or adding to the madness which does not dissolve, it is real.

Unopened answers causes conspiracies while the ones who hold the truth lies in history and occasionally spit it out like mysteries. Trying to piece everything up is like completing a puzzle when the last piece is hidden under the rug. Then they claim only God can judge but that's not the one who gives you 10- to life; for just trying to create a better path for you and i.

Dive in this sea of melanin pain. Where you’re called names based on your body because no matter what you wear, it’s always the same. What’s my name? Do I have a man? Why am i playing games? No sir i’m just trying to move along. I don’t need any friends i know you mean no harm. I’m a loner from birth, people come and leave most of them were jerks, and others with too many tricks up their sleeves. I always ended up getting hurt and now you preach.. to the choir that you’re a good man and treat me like I deserve then how come you disappear whenever you get succured? Right, because a real man leaves and won’t say a word while he watches you bleeds ;Self destruction is among the outskirts. Pull yourself together, you’re a black woman you can endure any weather...see thats what they tell us but i say fuck that im angelic. My life should not be hectic, why do i have to get pregnant? Why do parents treat us like we were hell sent. Born with no innocence but suppose to help them get the benjamins and gain power in leadership and come out short in the end. I think it’s time to take away the pads and pencils and start to rewrite and declare our win.

The truth is why I write. The reason I didn’t tell most people I was good with my words because I was expressing thoughts that had never been heard. Vocabulary could be quite subpurb however my mission was to be more apprehensive and less defensive while being plagued with omission. The struggle was real and it was infecting my mental. I needed steel but all that was left was lead; no pencil. Taking all my energy and running away from my problems, I thought if no one will help me then let God solve them. Damn who hit the devil up on a three way call. He’s always trying to stop the blessings that is meant for us all. Confuse us in thinking what bad in our lives are good and blocking your blessings with “it’s too good to be true” I think I’m good. Damn what a life to live being misunderstood. If the pigment in my skin doesn’t make you feel a way then your actions would align. Conscious or unconscious we may not say it but we really dont know it all. The past isn’t really left behind. Inbedded with the slave mentality, make the most of what you got. Even if it treats you wrong, dont give up or leave their side. Fuck that, you have to know when to pick and choose which battles to fight. How you choose to rise from triumphs and who gets to be by your side. I choose to write when no one was there. While taking comfort that one day I can touch so many lives, how someone else can finally testify about how they are feeling inside when you can’t find the energy to try . When you feel like you want to die and bundle up in a ball then cry. Wishing you had someone to hold you but then you finally see a light . You realize you were never alone and that you had someone all along..they were just in the sky. Smiling as the tears run down your face and saying damn I’m glad I can write and release this energy from my space for you and I. @miki5

Dark hidden dreams is what helps me stay in this reality. I'll say it again for those who didn't catch it. Dark hidden dreams are what helps me stay in this reality. I am existing by the faith of a mustard seed. I am gasping for air as they cut down all my trees. I am fighting for my will to live with no hands or feet. All of my innocence has been robbed from me. My heart has been fooled and my mind has been drugged ... but I still have my dark hidden dreams to help me stand tall and above.

Yes let me talk of a dream that is so sacred to me. That this dream takes me to a place that no one has ever seen. Where the sun sets and the moon shines with the stars. The rest of it will remain hidden until my mind can align with my heart. Never will we see that day I know , but we will see the day for all the forsaken things to take shape. All your close ones pass, only heartaches and pain, lovers lane, rape , and fame. Poverty , than school. Then having babies all before 21 or graduated from high school. What a life ahead of you. Yes what a life ahead of you. There is more to come this is just the hard part. The best is yet to come so don't give up before your leading line part. Before you give up just remember to look up and you will not only see the light but see that you have one person who will always remain on your side. He is not only the one who can heal your pain and take you through a hurricane without feeling any rain but the one only Messiah that shed his blood and died for ,

You of all people should know how life can get rough, how you are told to deal with these things and just shut up. How this horrible way of living is called life. How your ancestors dealt with worse so what are you saying ? I mean you're a whole completely different person but hey just keep praying. I know your dad didn't want you and your mother abuses you but your beauty is as enchanting as a goddess so why not ease out of the clothes and show me what you're working with in your closet?

2 weeks later you won't hear from me again , in a month you will finally know why . You'll get kicked out of your house in 3 and by 9 months you just end up wanting to die.

Yeah life is cruel and brothers play sisters like they play pool. I see you brought your floaties but I think you didn't know what you were really getting into... Now like what tupac said “you gotta keep your head up” but what's the point when your body is down? And you're just like R Kelly song when a woman's fed up. This is ain't no Dora so can't stop them ni##as from swippin and trying to take advantage of you and keep lying. So got to be like Malcolm and proclaim your power but throw them a curveball and actually keep going higher. Stack that bread and no not the wonder. Keep gaining and watch you prosper. Not everyone might have a helping hand but they have a giving mind. You might have lost the battle but the war is still ours. Keep that dark hidden dream and the world will soon seen like something that was created for you and me. @wabisabi

I am the darkness that they like to consume. I am why you couldn't hear your mother crying in her room . The lies, hatred, and false I love you. The demonic presence you feel in the night that watches over you. To be afraid of the dark would mean to be afraid of thyself. I am who they come to offer their souls to when they have no one else . I am not the enemy but a helpful guide . Just know everything you want comes with a price. So I would be afraid of the dark if I was you but i am thy.

The erosion on my heart had finally crumbled apart. The plague had hit and I was one of the last to part. Bodies dropping like time , only minutes left to shine. The death of rejection had did its final crime. No more getting left behind, rejection spreads through skin to skin contact then consumes the mind. Rots the heart from inside and soon you die.

A Twinkle in the star was all that he had saw. Running away from the darkness and pain he followed what was left of his heart. The light helped guide him when he had no will . Being beaten and broken and called toby was all too unreal. Oh twinkle, twinkle that little north star. How I yearn for freedom dont let them hang me before dawn.

#blackhistorymonth