The lies

the hatred

The abuse

You choose to lose with your neck in a noose

And you tied the knot but you blamed the seller who sold you the rope

And you bled out all your emotions and never learned to cope

So you hurt the child that you were supposed to protect

Repeated trauma of abandonment and neglect

You pretend your reality is one where you can do no harm

And every one else is at fault for becoming the person you are.

You lit the match and threw the flame

And the drugs and the booze only fuel the blame

Diluting your emotions of guilt and shame

And as the fire spreads

You drink the last of the water

Shielding your face from the smoke

And choking your daughter.

©S.J.Reed

This particular day cemented my feelings for him, I think. If I had any doubts, they were quelled. This happened three days after I confided in a friend about my feelings for him, feelings that had been growing for at least a couple of months. I haven't confessed due to events that happened after this day, and a few other more complicated reasons.

It was an early Saturday morning where I had to be up when it's not bright, but it's early. So I get to work and I check on the group chat. I see a message he sent that says, "*X-Files theme plays*", which I tell him is a W (a win) for him. So we exchange good mornings and he asks if I have an early start for the day.

I do, obviously, for me it's 5am and counting, so I'm like yeah and then his response is like "damn. yeah same to be fair". And well, you see, he doesn't work a job that requires him to be working on the weekend. He works some kind of remote work, and I'm actually meaning to ask him about it. I want to get to know him more, in a less group setting, but right now isn't good timing since he's taking a bit of a break from the server.

So I'm like "we got this" and then lots of sobbing emojis and "and you're working your weekend away" and more emojis. I use a lot of emojis, especially with him, but sincerely just in general.

So it's us using lots of sobbing emojis and talking about holiday bonuses, and how I'm getting paid for the work I'm doing and he isn't, and other people talking in the server too about their job doesn't really offer good holiday bonuses either. Also stupid that they're giving him extra work for the holidays, absolutely stupid. Not a fun Christmas gift. And, fun fact, I have my retail job (literally), and I work in HR where he works (not literally, it's a joke that has deep lore), and this is important because he's like "you can put those HR connections to good use right?"

He calls me a "lifesaver" when I tell him that I'll try to talk them into holiday bonuses for next year's holiday season. Which, tbh, still kinda gets to me a bit in a good way. Oh, and he also mentions how he apparently loves his job and wouldn't change it for the world, and well, I have to tell him that's red flag behavior, right? It's the second time I've joked about him having red flag behavior, but um, I'm pretty sure unironically liking Nickelback is red flag behavior. He knows I'm joking of course.

Sooo I'm like "I'm gonna do my best to convince them on the bonuses. He'll need it because he'll have a girlfriend by that point." I'm not talking about me. I'm truly not. I'm talking about the coworker he has a crush on (it's not me, seriously, although apparently we might be the same height, but that's allll we have in common as far as I know). Or I'm talking about the coworker he had a fleeting moment with at the work holiday party thing. One of the two. Up to him of course.

Aaaand this next part gets me soooo confused. Because he's like "Wait... who's this girlfriend you speak of?" and then "Surely..." and finally "Wait, it can't be..." And I hate this because, does he think I'm talking about me? There was the time, when I mentioned the height thing, that he was like "I can't have a crush on HR" and I still wonder... I wonder an awful lot, because I certainly wasn't suggesting that. But um...

Anywayyyy I'm like "That part is entirely up to you and the woman involved ofc" and a blushing emoji. I didn't even realize it was called that, I was just picking it for funsies. And well, I also add "Can’t it? Idk who you’re thinking of maybe it’s her" when he's like wait it can't be... because a part of me is sincerely super confused. Do I ever dare to ask him? This haunts me. It doesn't mean anything, right?

I add, because I realize that we could be talking about me, a comment about how maybe I could pull some strings so he could work on some projects with his real crush. And he talks about how he could never be that lucky, and I, of course, respond with "In the wise words of Justin Bieber, never say never". This conversation takes place over the course of my entire work day (with both of us working in between messages).

Then one of the other server members accuses me of half hitting on this guy. I throw out the flushed emojis because no, I wasn't, but maybe. I could see how he came to that conclusion, but also, he replied to my message where I was like "That part is entirely up to you and the woman involved ofc" and a blushing emoji. Like, that was the evidence, apparently. And well, the crush in question was like "I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about..." and I'm just dying to know what was running through his mind in this moment. Because I was internally panicking because I can't say anything. I have to stay cool.

So I'm pretty much like "sooo, why don't we talk about how you slept?" and well, my crush agreed with this. I loved this day sooo much. I love reading back on this conversation, and our other ones, it's just so fun. It was like two and a half weeks ago. So, a quick rundown on the complications:

1. He lives in the UK and I live in the USA. It's a bit of a running joke that we're not sure if we live on the same continent or not. He's the detective though, so it's his job to figure it out. Basically, the lore is that he was like "going into the office today. Who will I see?" and I'm like "me ofc" and he's like "wouldn't that be something?" and I was like "considering we live on different continents, yeah". So, we've joked about that.

2. He has a massive, massive, massive crush on his coworker. He also really needs closure, I think, before he'd be willing to try anything. Also, he reinstalled a dating app recently. Like, homie, why are you doing that when you could be dating me long distance fr?

3. I like how he is in the server, like he ticks a lot of personality and compatibility boxes for me, from what I know. I don't know what he's like outside of the server. I also don't know what he looks like, so I don't know if I'd even be attracted to him, or him to me.

Is it possible he could like me? I mean, one time I told him that giving him a hard time was my favorite thing, and then deleted it because I was worried it might veer too close to flirting territory. He saw it, though, and recently implied that he enjoys winding me up. It's so unfair. Why do we live across the world??? I want to meet him sooo bad.