Been over a year since my last post funny to think I was turning 20 at the time now I’m almost 21

I reread my poetry, it’s 3:24 am I’m getting my ID in a few hours

I’m legal I had sex I stopped getting high or at least don’t as much

I’ve developed a drinking problem which I’m trying to control now

I’m going to Vegas soon cause that’s what 21 year olds do

The truth I dont know shit about anything

I don’t do poetry thought I was going to that for living but honestly I’m a cliche

I got myself involved with a guy that I knew he was bad news from the beginning but I was longing for any kind of relationship that I ignored all the red flags

He was everything but nothing at the same time my first but not my last

Im a mess and I’m reading about how to manifest

let’s have a laugh or in my case I could finally raise my glass

Cheers to my 21 in less than a week

here is to manifesting my dreams

Here is to me myself and I

may I start doing things right

I’ll be 20 in less than a month.

still getting high

lost you’d say?

im Just wandering

I know my path

I know my pace

leave me be

I’m okay

Its just a little rain

Because I want to forget I say 

One shot

Because they never really loved me

Two shots

Because my heart won't stop aching 

Three shots

Because I'm just a one night kind of girl

Four shot and shakes head

Because I can't do this anymore 

Fifth shot and laughs

For thinking I meant more to them

So....

 I dance with another man as if I could forget his fervent kisses that'll make my body sway as if his kisses where lullabies

Six shot 

Starts crying on the restroom floor because I  can't comprehend why I can never be something more than a pass time to someone

Drinks to oblivion 

For thinking that this world will become a better place when you're in love

But no it doesn't work that way when you're in love you give someone the power to break you and when they do you simply patch yourself up and save the pieces that are left to the one night stands cause that's all it's ever going to be. 

Next bottle next stranger 

I really truly can't deal with so much pain.

They say it's temporarily that'll pass like the seasons

But it's not seasons 

They're years of overwhelming sadness that I dont know how much my heart will take 

It feels like a never ending cycle

When will it just stop ? 

& why in the world does it have feel so suffocating to the point you can't breath or see 

because your vision keeps on blurring from the endless sobs and tears your body is releasing

Or sometimes you just can't cry and it's  so numbingly scary to intoxicate yourself but never releasing the toxins.

 They just stay in your body building up till you have a total breakdown and My God does it feel horrifying & you can't stop crying and sadest part is 

deep down you know why but your not ready to admit that this is it . Never more nothing less 

But please if there's hope like they say there is come my way soon I don't know how much longer I could do this 

I'm tired 

Tired of pretending

Tired of loving

& most of all tired of not being able to cry cause I feel so dead inside

Don't you ever feel this way?

You become friends with rejection and pain cause that's what your most familiar with , there always just there waiting for it to happen again.

I feel so small in such a big world.

 Feel so insignificant that crying out for help won't make a difference knowing there's several others doing the same.

You think they probably need it more than you and I believe it

What a travesty I know 

To believe something so soul crushing it physically hurts you it makes your bones weak and heart ache you feel as though your body will collapse at any moment

But the most dreadful thought of all is knowing you want it to happen because at least the Pain will subside for a moment 

It's almost like dreaming but hoping you'll never wake up 

I welcome pain with open arms for I can't bear it to tell him to leave

I welcome loneliness in my heart for I wish it to be gone over time 

I welcome their words to my body cause I know that they've only been honest to me besides the vengeance and cruelties their confessions carry

I welcome them because I know how hard it can be to not feel at all.

A glimpse of him is all I get because I know if I'd let myself be comforted by one single of touch of him I'll probably loose my stand.

I'm only a friend you see, someone to talk to but not want. Someone to see but not feel. Someone to mention but not wonder about cause I'm only an acquaintance that's how he sees me. He makes my heart ache so irrevocably that by the end of every week I need to cry my soul out , claw out every once of pain seeing him brings me cause the feelings become to unbearable and I drown in my tears for a moment because I know I have to tell myself I need to start swimming again before the currents become too strong.

"I love her" he tells me so causally yet painfully. He doesn't believe that he should feel this way. That people like him don't deserve it. He tells me he feels guilty to love her and be loved back, I ask why? He says " I'm taking away a piece of love in the world that I know someone else may need it more than me" I smile painfully at him cause that just made me love him a little more if that's possible he tries to reach out for me but I just stay out of reach , he sighs and nods thinking he understands my reasons why I haven't let myself  be touched by anyone over six months. He hasn't realized that's the same amount of time he's been with her. He hasn't realized that my body is yearning his touch, and mind craving to be noticed by him.

But I stay at a distance close enough to be seen but not loved. 

"Why?" I ask him 

"Why did you stay if you were bound to leave" he stays silent his eyes glaze over mine 

But I continue trying to comprehend where did it all go wrong ?

" I know t-that everyone leaves because it's the cycle of life.. You live and you die..." My voice wavers ever so softly , I don't sound like myself ," but you promised me your forever .." he flinches as if I physically hurt him . He looks deep into my eyes and I know he is barely hanging on there but then like always replaces it with his poker face no emotion what's so ever and replies "My forever doesn't mean eternity it just means I will stay longer than I would that's my promise"

My voice finally breaks "Then why stay if you weren't meant to be loved?"