Sometimes it's hard

to look

you in the eye

'cause

I know

who you are

at your core

inside

it either hurts

or makes

me want to soar

but I can't get

off the ground

unless I'm with you

and you say

it's fine

then I could fly.

I want

to be just like you

more bad then good

the one

everybody worships.

One day I told you

your skirt

was a little short

you slapped me

backhanded

that expensive ring

cut my cheek

everybody laughed

and left me in a pile

on the pavement.

I want to be

done

with you

but

now I am addicted

and the lies you fed me

saying

I could never be someone

without you

feel so true.

Don't ask me

Why I think like this

Why I am this way

Why I shut you out

Why I isolate myself

Because I don't know

I don't have the answers

My brain is messed up

My thoughts are not logical

My whole being is damaged

My actions don't make sense

My heart is broken

My motivations are unclear

My soul is destroyed

My habits are irrational

I don't know

I don't have the answers

Don't ask me

What I need

What I want

How you can help

How you can make me feel better

How you can change

Because I do know

But I won't tell you

Because it is what you can't give me

Because it is what you won't give me

My needs are unrealistic

No one could meet them

My wants are too much to ask for

Because I hope for the impossible

You can't easily make me feel better

No one would truly even want to try

You would have to change a lot

Because my standards are too high

I do know

But I won't tell you

You don't deserve

To be forced to give that much

To be forced to sacrifice so much

You don't deserve that burden

And I don't deserve

To force you to give that much

To force you to sacrifice so much

I don't deserve anything

So don't bother to ask

Because I won't tell you

Please just don't ask

Hands reaching for mine in the car and in the dark and across the table. Hands always warm, not like eyes or words. I ask you what I am to you and all words fail you. You reach for my hand, press your thumb into my palm as if that is an answer, like I should know that despite your silence and wide eyes, you would choose me if I asked you to. I pull away as you reach forward and try to hold me for a little bit longer. You’re not ready for me to go yet, but you can’t tell me to stay. So your hands are left empty, and warm, but ever so lonely.

When I look into the mirror these days, I see You.

I squint into the glass- or You do, rather- trying to picture what I should’ve been.

I can will myself into existence, I know I can, if only I know what to will.

Stupid, stupid, how could you forget?

A hand comes into the frame and touches the tip of my face, or your face, should I say?

I stop to contemplate this.

The face does not belong to Me, no. I am merely wearing it, on lease. Your face, then.

This hand, it smoothes over your skin- the skin that I wear, but is in reality yours- a quick check up for the vitals, a certain curiosity. A pulsing heart, a functioning brain, mobile limbs. All there. No immediate danger.

And here’s a viable explanation for this: for now, I have simply become You.

Who ‘You’ are, I don’t know, but I am certain of the ‘for now’.

It's a comforting thought, this assurance of evanescence:

For now, I am You.

Later, I will be somebody else or hopefully, Me.

Me, me, I say, but who is Me?

Think, you idiot, think, it's right there.

And then, I feel it. Something riding in from the periphery; storming in, a picture, a song, a memory of a memory.

I feel it like a tide on turbulent waters: a tiny roll far, far away, but bringing with it a promise of devastation.

Closer, closer, then a scream, louder, louder, louder. A nail scraping a chalkboard- riiiiip. I can’t bear it, I need it to go, I just can’t.

Pull, uproot, close your eyes, shove it out.

I blink, then silence. The tide is gone.

Out of sight, out of mind.

There, all good.

Now, where was I?

I am ready to die

Cause I no longer want to be alive

I cannot even cry

I am ready to die

I am ready to leave

Cause I no longer want to breathe

I cannot even sleep

I am ready to leave

I am ready to go

Cause I no longer want to say no

I cannot stop the flow

I am ready to go

I am ready to die

Cause I no longer want to try

I cannot keep up this lie

I am ready to die

I remember a year ago. Your voice lingering on the invisible lines of contact that would be our only connection for the day. Your voice wishing for me. Your voice too fast from whatever your nose had helped pass on to your blood stream. Your voice busy with plans to see me late at night. Your voice. Always the voice of a coward and an addict. Your voice the poison in my bloodstream.

She was dirty. She slept in a bed that I paid for, and I paid her to do it. And the night before she slept in a bed that another man had paid her to sleep in. So I cut out everything I had paid her for. I woke to her wicked chest rising and falling, and I left in the silent, blood-soaked night. I left her with nothing to keep her chest rising, but instead permanently fallen. Lungs deflated. Veins collapsed. And I’m wondering if her stolen heart is the same shade of red as every other sinner’s in this town. And I see only one way to find out. Rip them open. Steal what’s inside. See what’s the same. Find the cursed parts and destroy them. I want to watch my blade glide through soft skin and feel a warm rush of darkness slip across my steady hands. Silver slicing from end to end. Liquid shadows dripping from between their legs, ending in unholy puddles at my feet. I want to defile their pretty faces to match all that is spoiled inside of them. Desecrate their flesh the way they desecrate their own bodies. I may as well take what I’m paying for. They sold their hearts and their bodies to the devil, so I will take them all back. A savior to the damned.

My name is Jack, and I swear I’ll be the second coming.

*

https://theprose.com/post/237996/rip-her

See folks moving to the beat

To the sound of the drums

Laughing, and enjoying this time

Of another national celebration

Tis Independence day

O, I say~

A perfect moment to dance!

#IndependenceDay

#Happy54thZambia.

I want the truth

I don't care if it kills me

I don't want lies

I don't want avoidance

I don't want fear of my feelings being hurt

I need openness

I need honesty

I need the truth

I'm tired of people walking on eggshells

Afraid of upsetting me

I'm tired of people beating around the bush

Trying to dodge being up front with me

I'm tired of having to guess and assume

Because I am never given a straight answer

I'm tired of always being the only one

To wear my heart on my sleeve

I want the truth

And I want it in full

Not some frilly

Watered down

Softened

Version of the truth

Only there as an attempt to make me feel better

Because it doesn't

The avoidance

The lies

The fear

It all only makes it harder on me

All I want is the truth

Please

Just give me the truth

Dark brown curls

bouncing

on her shoulders

she ties them back

with a ribbon

remember

when she was

just a little thing

as wild as those curls

who believed me

when i said

baby you're beautiful

now she paints

a different picture

of herself

for anyone save me

and goes into

hiding behind

dark brown curls

remember

when she'd hold my hand

as we crossed the street

write me love notes

and i'd sing her to sleep

now she's embarassed

to be seen with me

it hurts to think

one day she'll leave

to make her mark

on the world

i'll stay alone

remember

dark brown curls

my sweet baby girl's.