I still love you,

but I don’t like you anymore.

Every time when our eyes met in the hallway,

You still make my heart flutter.

But something has changed,

between us...

I no longer have the courage and strength to embrace you again.

Even though I can still be with you,

every moment,

by your side,

you are no longer the one and only in my life.

Although you're still taking a place in my heart,

it is an empty shell with neither expectation nor hope.

Although I still can't control the heart that aches for you,

never again will I have any imagination of our future,

Although I still miss you,

it doesn't have to be you anymore.

I've tried to talk to you,

tried to understand your feelings.

I gave you my all,

yet you slam the door,

and let words pierced through my heart like daggers,

ruthlessly taking away my last bit of love and trust in you.

You'll never understand

what I gave up for you,

my pride, my ego, my obsession...

************

In just one year,

I have changed.

I'm no longer the lively and cheerful girl that I once was.

In just one year,

I'm more mature,

ignoring all the unhappy thoughts that traumatized me.

In just one year,

I understood,

time can't form love,

but it can reveal one's heart.

In just one year,

I woke up,

I learned to appreciate and cherish those who love me,

because they're the ones who deserve it.

As days go on,

I went from a girl who loves to laugh to a girl who is afraid to cry,

because every time when tears are threatening to fall,

I'll remember that night when you left me,

the night that my whole world collapsed and broke into pieces,

the night that I cried until I couldn't breathe,

the night that I blamed all faults in myself,

the night that my brain was filled with memories of us from the past...

Never will I forget the day you broke me.

It's like a hole in the wall that can never be mended,

even if it did, it'll never be the same.

How shall I tell you that I miss you?

I'm afraid in just a short amount of time,

you'll find a girl to replace me.

I'm afraid the tenderness you gave to me,

you'll give it to her.

Most important of all,

I'm afraid you'll forget me,

and forget everything that we had.

But in the end,

I let silence swallow me.

If only you may stand in my position,

you'll probably understand why I chose not to give up my love for you.

************

It all changed now,

There's no more reason,

for me to stay.

Slowly,

Let the love blaze the starry sky,

I'll turn my back on you,

and never look back.

This is no story of Orpheus.

Let the love perish,

gone with the wind,

let the most beautiful memories

bury with the ashes.

I will not look back,

I will not,

I won't.

Goodbye,

my love.

Usually, I am not the type of person that checks the locker every day. However, on that day, I broke my rule.

It was a Friday during my freshman year; right after my failed speech and debate competition at my high school, I dragged my lazy steps slowly down the hallway. It wasn’t the first time that I lost in these competitions, but the bitter aftertaste of lament and regret still stung on my tongue, and tears threatened to fall.

The hallway was empty. The late golden hour sunlight peeked through the windows. I blinked. The dazzling sunlight creates an unusual illusion in front of my eyes.

Why did I lose again? Maybe I’m just not good enough…

As I paced down the hallway, I came across my locker. The silver metal lock was hanging helplessly against the cold, pale pastel. I stopped and stared at it, wondering when was the last time I’ve used it. Just as I was about to walk away, I felt an urge pushing me to unlock it. So I reached out…

The lock unclicked with a thud, and something flew out. I picked it up and gasped. On the neon green paper wrote a message by a delicate hand.

“Don’t give up! All great things take time.” ~K :)

I never found out who K was and whether that message was meant for me to this day, but I was thankful. Those simple words gave me strength and hope that filled me with the energy to look forward. It was the power of words indeed. It acted as a healer that pieced my beliefs together and lighted up the darkness in my heart.

Why? Because this was the true meaning of words, and I wonder if K thought the same.

I'm so tired of everything...

I'm so tired of chasing after you,

making you do things that you don't want.

I'm so tired of you apologizing to me over and over again,

though we both know this can't be truly sincere.

I'm so tired of waiting for you to reply,

it takes hours, even days to get one word from you.

I'm so tired of having to think of you,

whatever I do.

I'm so tired of this...

Though we both know this is not going to last,

neither of us admit it.

The truth...

I'm so tired of love stories,

love songs,

love poetry,

anything to do with love...

Because it always reminds me of you.

You,

my first and real love story that I don't want to lose...

It was several months ago.

I remember I was still at school, sitting at my Ap Human Geography class. Listening to my teacher talking endlessly about cultural landscape, political interactions, and the physical geography of the world. Her voice is like a lullaby, making my eyelids go heavier and heavier...

But just as I was about to fell asleep, I heard her talking about the coronavirus, so I raised my head up from the desk, sleepiness all gone with a sudden.

"The media is just over exaggerating everything you know," she told us, " For sure there won't be a pandemic happening..."

And at that moment, her words drived me into thinking...

I doubt that...but I didn't refute her at that time, I just listened...

Quietly, like most of us did,

way back several months ago,

before we thought anything could happen to us today.

Lies, Lies, Lies

It was all lies...

Everywhere!

On the television, on the media news report, on social media, on the street...

People talk about lies, all this time...

Oh it's just like a flu.

Don't worry it's hard to get it.

What? You're scared? Don't be, it's fine.

Ha! There's not even anyone died from it in the U.S yet!

So funny! Why should I be scared?

And look what happens today?

Thousands, or even millions of people dying around the world!

And especially the United States, where there's been the most cases reported.

More than 10 million people got infected...

Just here,

In the United States...

Seriously?

Is this a joke to you?

You think it's funny?

You think it's funny that millions of people are getting infected by this deadly virus day by day?

You think it's funny to watch them suffer and died?

You think it's funny that even little innocent children have to suffer through this just because of your hilarious jokes?

You think it's funny to watch your family and friends falling before your eyes one by one and leaving this world...forever?

YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!

Let me tell you. The truth.

None of this is funny, and none of these are jokes to entertain you.

This is serious,

the world is collapsing right now, at least here in the United States.

We're running out of supplies,

people are dying!!!

The hospital is so crowded that many people don't get the help they need.

Dead bodies are piling outside of the New York City hospital because there's just too many dying every second...

Tik Tok....Tik Tok.....The time is not gonna stop and wait for us to realize...

Numbers,

we see the number of people getting the virus everyday through news,

but we were just sitting there, thinking it's not a big deal.

Numbers...

Wake up!

They are not just numbers!

They are the souls, the flesh and the blood we lost from this earth!

Countless of them souls, the happy ones, the creative ones, the influential ones...

Wake up!

Do something!

Even as simple as washing your hands more often and stay home!

We can't just lay on the sofa thinking the virus will go away by itself!

No!

If you think that, then you're so wrong!

If we do nothing, there'll only be more people getting infected, and more souls being lost From this world.

Take action!

You have no idea how much those people need your help.

Protect yourself first,

At this time, loving yourself is to love the others.

And remember this.

Don't give up!

Stay strong!

One day we'll see the light and hope,

One day we'll be able to embrace the happiness,

One day we'll be able to fight off the virus, and rebuild from what we lost...

And together,

We can!

If only if we believe in ourselves.

When I first saw you, I hate you.

People used to say that love comes before hate,

But for us,

Love came after hate.

Our story seems to began a long time ago, though actually it has only been two years.

I’ll never forget the day when I first notice you two years ago, never.

It pins in my memory ever since I look at you for the first time.

If I say, I hate you at first sight will you believe me? Maybe you won’t care, you never do care anyway, why should I even ask you that in the first place?

The answer is,

because I care.

At first,

I hate you so much,

I hate that you are better than me,

I hate that you are so confident about what you’re doing,

I hate that you are always the center of attention,

I hate that you’re always the star, shining out of the darkness in the sky.

I HATE YOU...

Yes, I might be a selfish person, the jealousy of you being so perfect burns inside my heart like fire every time I lay my eyes upon you.

The rage rising inside me every time I hear you play your violin.

I can still remember that day when you played your first note in front of me, and I almost cried.

Because it was so beautiful.

So beautiful that it hits me, make me realized how little I am,

even smaller than a piece of sand.

It was like a dagger, stabbed me through my heart, and it won’t stop bleeding until the end.

You know what?

I hate you...

But at the same time,

I adore you...

I’m not being sarcastic, I really do adore you, admire you.

Hating myself for being so jealous of your talent.

Hating myself to admit that you are truly better than me.

Hating myself to finally give up hating you after I see the fear in your eyes.

Was it pity?

That one time when you showed me your true self.

Behind all the glamurous moment you had on stage,

you shed tears right in front of my face.

To be honest,

I was so shocked that I froze, I don’t know what to do, whether to hug you or to say something.

Back then, we were still strangers.

I chose to remain silent,

quietly watching girls hugging you beside me, comforting you, being friends that I never thought I will be one day to you.

And at that very moment,

I see your weakness that you’ve been trying to hide for so long,

I see your human side, the helplessness and the fear towards the future.

And for the first time,

the hate was gone, replaced by something else...something I don’t know how to explain.

Was it pity?

I don’t know.

But I do know.

Everything changed between you and me since that day.

Everything changed so fast that I barely have time to think,

time is magical, it always surprise us with something you’ll never think of.

One second we’re strangers, not friends, not classmates, but strangers.

Strangers that hate each other...

And by the next second, we became lovers.

Lovers, how strange is that for me to say it.

It’s been a month since you confessed to me, exactly one month.

“I...I love you...” you said to me.

And I froze.

That heartbeat thumping so loud next to my ears, my pulse quickend, my hands became sweaty, and I felt like I stopped breathing...

Is that...me?

How could that even be possible?

How? Since when have I fallen in love with you?

I thought hate has taken over in my feelings but all this time, it was love instead?

I love you too...

The words came out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Then the next moment, before my brain can even proccess.

our lips touched...

It was strange indeed, kissing someone you thought you hate.

Yet it felt familiar, your touch, your smell, your taste...

I wanted more,

I want...you.

You, are the only person that I ever love so deeply,

you are now my universe, my everything.

I trust you,

you make me feel safe.

Do you know?

When you have your arms around me, I feel like I'm the happiest girl on earth!

You will be my knight, protect me from all the harms in this world.

And I will be your princess, supporting you with love and comfort.

How can I say this?

I need you.

I need you to be by my side, always...

It was March 10th when we first kissed,

It was March 12th when we first started dating,

It was March 14th when I last saw you, in person.

Let me tell you,

reality is cruel.

One second I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in this world then the next second, I cried my eyes out because I won't be able to see you, or to feel you.

Yes, coronavirus pulled us apart.

It destroyed everything...

At first, everything was fine.

In the first week of quarantine we stayed up all night talking about everything, every possible topics we can found in our heads.

We texted every single minute, every single day...

But then things changed,

you started to became quiet.

When I asked you why,

you said it's because you were busy.

Busy...with what?

School, you said.

One word response.

I wish I can believe you that,

I keep reminding myself that we are students, and learning is our first priority.

But I can't help but wonder, is that true?

It's like in one night, you have became another person,

And this is not the person that I know, since when have you became so productive?

You're always the one not doing your work in class, and always asking for my help.

What changed?

No matter how much I want to believe your words, I still have a doubt, deep down inside my heart.

I hate you...

No, I love you...

I feel like an idiot,

blindly believing everything can be as perfect as a fairytale.

Is that what love feels like?

The pain of not being able to see you,

the stinging in my eyes whenever I think of you,

the shatter in my heart whenever I think that one day, you will leave me...and leave me alone in this cruel, cold reality.

I miss you...

I wanted to text you, to call you,

but whenever I turn on my phone and see your contact number, I stopped.

I remember what you told me...

"I'm busy..."

What a coward am I!

I turned off my phone so I can no longer feel the urge of texting you,

I hide away your pictures in my room so I won't think of you as much.

But still,

My hands ache for the phone, or more directly, ache for you...

How are you? I want to ask.

Are you doing well?

Have you been doing your homework like a good student?

Have you been eating your meals and exercising to stay healthy?

Have you been practicing your violin?

Have you been sleeping well?

Or most importantly,

have you been missing me?

So many questions, all swallowed into an enormous, invisible black hole.

I hate myself,

I can't believe I'm in love with you!

I hate you,

for making me to fell in love with you.

I hate everything...

But at the same time I love everything...

I love you,

I don't say these three words often,

Because I hate these words, they are just black squiggly lines, dead on paper.

Yet they make me feel like I never feel before,

when you said it from your lips, it made me feel...alive.

Forgive me for being too sensitive.

Forgive me for being such a needy girlfriend.

Forgive me for yelling at you when I'm mad.

Forgive me...

Stay safe, please...

until one day I'll be able to see you again.

To hold you,

To hug you tight,

To kiss you sweet,

To whisper in your ears...

I hate you.

I love you.

I miss you.

Friends,

Have you ever consider a friend as useless?

Probably not.

We all think that friends are so important that we can’t live without them.

But if you look at the word “useless” in a different way,

things might change a little.

Based on the word “useless”,

we all think about things that doesn’t have any use or benefit to you,

but what if you change your mind a little and look at it this way,

as the fact that you are the one that control and use them, instead of the other way around on what it benefit for you?

I know it may sound a little confusing to you, but long story short,

You cannot use a friend.

Friends are consider as “useless”.

Here’s a question.

Why?

But let me answer your other questions first.

What is true friendship?

A friendship that bound between you and the others?

A friendship that contains trust and understanding?

A friendship that has loyalty and honesty?

A friendship that shares love?

The answer is,

yes.

It’s all of the above.

But most importantly, a true friendship does not contain the word use, and that’s what make it special.

You can never use a friend, friendship are all about how to love and trust someone that connect to you. If you really care for someone, you wouldn’t want to take anything from him or her, or use them as a shield so that can benefit yourself.

A real friendship is not about to take or to use, but it’s about to give and share.

If you truly love or trust someone, you won’t let them suffer,

you won’t let them take the bullet for you because that’s what your heart is telling you.

To love someone.

So that they won’t suffer because of you.

To sacrifice yourself so that they can be better.

A true friend is “useless”, don’t use them if you love them.

Life is short.

So please cherish the friends around you,

as they help you and guide you through life,

be thankful to them,

cause you never know what’s going to happen in the future.

And that’s what a true friendship is about...