I still remember the first day we met. You were my roommate. I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to make any friends at university and was still skeptical since we'd just met and I am a generally untrusting person. For the first few hours after our residence activities ended we didn't speak much. I was still figuring out how to talk to new people back then. We sat on our beds in silence, scrolling on our phones. You spoke to me first and said "No, we are not doing this" ("this" meaning sitting in silence) and asked me how I thought our day went. I was so relieved. And almost instantly I knew that I liked you and that we would be friends. Of course I would find out much later that you only considered me a friend months after that moment. You were even pickier than me. It was funny. You were so funny.

The more I got to know you, the more I grew to love you. You were a different kind of friend than I'd ever had. So lively and unique and genuine and principled and loyal and funny - so, so funny. I'll never know how you felt about me, and knowing you as I do now, I wouldn't be surprised if you still had reservations about our friendship. But I don't care. I always knew that I was lucky to have you in my life at all. You were notoriously hard to reach, but I made sure to call enough times to get an answer every so often. I admired you so much and I wish I'd told you that more.

I listen to your playlists, I read your comments, I still send you tweets. I can't even convince myself to delete your expired cards from my amazon account. It's been 366 days. I can't do it yet. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll save them for the time when our last day becomes so distant, so unfamiliar, so obscure that I need something random like the last 4 digits of your mastercard to feel connected to you again.

I can't exactly remember what the last thing I said to you was. We were getting ready for a Sunday brunch. You came into my room that morning to help me with my lashes. I still can't do them by myself. I asked you how your night was and you said you had so much fun and told me about the friends you made. I was happy. I knew you'd been wanting that. Before you left to finish getting ready, I said something along the lines of "Thanks, girl. Love you, girl." I've spent so much time searching for that moment in my memory. Trying to recall what you said back to me. But I can't. I don't even know if remembering it would make me feel any different. I guess its just a way for me to keep you in my thoughts. And you are always in my thoughts, one way or another.

Every time I see a full moon I think of you. Not for any poetic reasons. Because it looks like a huge fucking orb. You were right, girl. I finally see the orb.

i have cried every day since you left

i have worried and wondered and wished and everything in between

i have waited for a hint... a whisper...

any indication that i might feel normal again one day

but nothing.

instead i have come to a terrible realization

this is my new normal

and there is nothing i can do about it.

i want to remember you

i want to think of you

but my memories have become more bitter than sweet

all those little things

that made you so uniquely special

are now things

that i will never know again

i don't know why you left

i may never know

all i can be certain of

is that i love you

i hope you knew

I am trapped in a glass box.

Over me, a single spotlight.

Around me, complete darkness.

I struggle and scream.

Pounding on the walls, weeping uncontrollably.

The sound echoes within, unable to pierce the silence outside.

You laugh and applaud, as if I am performing.

You are the only one watching.

I call out to you, hoping you might read my lips.

But you don't look.

You have already started to walk away.

...on to the next exhibit.

Life moves so fast

Sometimes I feel like

Its leaving me behind

My mind is stuck somewhere

Between the past and the future

But it isn’t present

The days are blurring together

And I’m losing track

Of what’s real and what isn’t

Am I feeling?

Or is this the absence of it

How do I choose how much to feel?

I know all of it is too much

But none of it will be impossible

At least now that I’ve got into the habit of it;

You know, feeling things

This is driving me crazy

Its as if I’m pushing myself forward

And holding myself back at the same time

How do I overcome myself?

It all starts with one question: Why have I never had a boyfriend?

The answer is simple but the reasoning will take you to different aspects of my life that I never intended to share with anyone. But since I have no name and no face here, I guess for the first time, I'm not afraid.

I am terrified of intimacy. Not because of trust issues, not because of bad experiences. But because of who I am physically. I hate my body. Not in the way you would think though.

I have a condition called hyperhidrosis. It makes my hands and feet sweat all the time for no reason. Sometimes it affects other parts of my body too but I'd say those two have taken the biggest toll on me. I've seen how disgusted people are when I touch them. It's a terrible feeling, but I have to play it off. I don't ever want to love someone and have them look at me the way I've been looked at. That would hurt too much and I don't know what I'd do if that ever happened to me. I want to be able to hold the person I love. I want to feel comfortable being close to them. But I don't know if I'll be able to do that.

This one physical defect has taken a negative toll on the way I view myself mentally. As soon as I catch myself developing interest in someone I cut it off. I don't allow myself to feel because it would hurt too much to be exposed in that way and know that I disgust someone I hold so dear. Even if I get treatment, even if I never sweat again, I don't know if I could ever feel normal. It's just a part of me that I don't know how to leave behind.

All I want, even more than to just be normal, is for someone to accept me, to not tell me how to fix myself but just accept me and love me whether I'm like everyone else or not.

#fear #of #intimacy #hyperhidrosis #love #relationships

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about you,

Wondering what it would be like if our worlds met

Sometimes I catch you looking at me,

I see longing in your eyes

But we belong to different worlds

And boys from your world

Don’t usually care for girls from mine

But I’ll keep seeing you

And you’ll keep seeing me

And we’ll exist together outside our worlds

If only for the second when our eyes meet

Stop.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Put life on pause

for just one minute

And breathe.

i’ve always been made to feel

by everyone important to me

that i’m second place

no matter what

something or someone will always be more important

every time

you show me you don’t care

it stings

a little bit more

i don’t matter

i know that now

i never did matter

i just hoped

maybe one day

you’d choose me