i have cried every day since you left
i have worried and wondered and wished and everything in between
i have waited for a hint... a whisper...
any indication that i might feel normal again one day
instead i have come to a terrible realization
this is my new normal
and there is nothing i can do about it.
i want to remember you
i want to think of you
but my memories have become more bitter than sweet
all those little things
that made you so uniquely special
are now things
that i will never know again
i don't know why you left
i may never know
all i can be certain of
is that i love you
i hope you knew
just out of reach
I am trapped in a glass box.
Over me, a single spotlight.
Around me, complete darkness.
I struggle and scream.
Pounding on the walls, weeping uncontrollably.
The sound echoes within, unable to pierce the silence outside.
You laugh and applaud, as if I am performing.
You are the only one watching.
I call out to you, hoping you might read my lips.
But you don't look.
You have already started to walk away.
...on to the next exhibit.
Life moves so fast
Sometimes I feel like
Its leaving me behind
My mind is stuck somewhere
Between the past and the future
But it isn’t present
The days are blurring together
And I’m losing track
Of what’s real and what isn’t
Am I feeling?
Or is this the absence of it
Looking for Answers
How do I choose how much to feel?
I know all of it is too much
But none of it will be impossible
At least now that I’ve got into the habit of it;
You know, feeling things
This is driving me crazy
Its as if I’m pushing myself forward
And holding myself back at the same time
How do I overcome myself?
fear of intimacy
It all starts with one question: Why have I never had a boyfriend?
The answer is simple but the reasoning will take you to different aspects of my life that I never intended to share with anyone. But since I have no name and no face here, I guess for the first time, I'm not afraid.
I am terrified of intimacy. Not because of trust issues, not because of bad experiences. But because of who I am physically. I hate my body. Not in the way you would think though.
I have a condition called hyperhidrosis. It makes my hands and feet sweat all the time for no reason. Sometimes it affects other parts of my body too but I'd say those two have taken the biggest toll on me. I've seen how disgusted people are when I touch them. It's a terrible feeling, but I have to play it off. I don't ever want to love someone and have them look at me the way I've been looked at. That would hurt too much and I don't know what I'd do if that ever happened to me. I want to be able to hold the person I love. I want to feel comfortable being close to them. But I don't know if I'll be able to do that.
This one physical defect has taken a negative toll on the way I view myself mentally. As soon as I catch myself developing interest in someone I cut it off. I don't allow myself to feel because it would hurt too much to be exposed in that way and know that I disgust someone I hold so dear. Even if I get treatment, even if I never sweat again, I don't know if I could ever feel normal. It's just a part of me that I don't know how to leave behind.
All I want, even more than to just be normal, is for someone to accept me, to not tell me how to fix myself but just accept me and love me whether I'm like everyone else or not.
#fear #of #intimacy #hyperhidrosis #love #relationships
what could be
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about you,
Wondering what it would be like if our worlds met
Sometimes I catch you looking at me,
I see longing in your eyes
But we belong to different worlds
And boys from your world
Don’t usually care for girls from mine
But I’ll keep seeing you
And you’ll keep seeing me
And we’ll exist together outside our worlds
If only for the second when our eyes meet
Put life on pause
for just one minute
i’ve always been made to feel
by everyone important to me
that i’m second place
no matter what
something or someone will always be more important
you show me you don’t care
a little bit more
i don’t matter
i know that now
i never did matter
i just hoped
maybe one day
you’d choose me
I wish I could help
But some things take their own course
And all I can do
Is go with you
i feel blank
but not in a bad way
like a freshly whitewashed wall
ready for new marks to be made
i didn’t like you
i liked the idea of you
this was something i always knew
but took much too long to accept
i let you take over my thoughts
influence my actions
change my life
but not for the better
that’s over now