I was so drunk on you

that I couldn’t see

that you were only

a ship in the harbor

of endless turbulent seas

full of hungry whores

and the rage

of empty bottles discarded.

I hesitated to blot out

the jangling reality

of your hostile façade.

Torn and drowned

in rapture,

I hardly noticed

the deep bloody scars

but I remember

the hammered pain,

the acid tears

burning a hole

in my psyche,

and my frozen heart

and empty soul

as I lost my grip,

piece by piece,

pleading to walk

with you

through savage seas.

Our voyage ended

when you sailed off

without me

but I still craved,

and remembered,

the driving rain

and your vacant eyes

as they drilled craters

into my essence.

I was so drunk in you

That i couldn't see

The road

the truck

in front of me

I was so drunk in you

That i couldn't hear

The horn

The shouts

Telling me to stop

I was so drunk in you

That i couldn't feel

The impact

My own wounds

Too worried about yours

I was so drunk in you

I couldn't think

Just jumped into action

To get you out

I was so drunk in you

I couldn't breathe

The smoke filling my lungs

I was so drunk in you

I couldn't leave

My soul will forever

Watch over you

My love

All the burdens of this life

all the heavy things

past decisions which stay to haunt

great and small tragedies

lack of money and resources

the ever pulling strain of need

the weight on backs, bent and bowed

the day it slides away

the moment of its lifting

Death.

the life it takes

and steals away

when in the end it matters not

the pain

the strife

the worried, hurried life

can it not be lived

for sake of heft

for sake of toil

for these damned robbers

are swindlers, and raiders

are soul suckers, and heinous motherfuckers

let the dreadful bandits be

drown them

beat them

set them aflame

send these terrors off

cast them away

to live

to live

to live 

a life

before rest comes from the grave.

a

The last time I saw her,

she was nothing but faded memories 

and lost lullabies--the ones that curl on the tongue, 

evaporating into the knot I forced myself to swallow.

I should have known.

With her arm curled around me at night,

the only thing I could say for sure is that

My heartbeat never felt so dull.

After the words that started and ended 

everything and nothing we had tumbled from her lips,

my eyes caught them on their way traveling up and even further up 

her cherry face, almond lips and chestnut freckles, 

until they finally settled on a gaze that reflected nothing but the blankness in mine.

And that was when I noticed,

Her eyes had never looked bluer. 

Anxiety is like being sucked into a massive black whole that is trying to suck everything down into it, including you. You fight to get away from it  but its winds are to strong. You back up, you try to stand, you even try to run, but the vortex is to strong. Inch by inch your getting sucked into this whole and there is no escaping it. Eventually you get tired and let go. You land at the bottom and realize thats its dark, cold, and your all alone. 

I deal with axiety and depression. I struggle to make basic decisions. I have horrible self doubt, and I never feel good enough. I'm terrified to be seen as a failure, most the time I won't even try unless I know it's a sure success. I very seldom leave my house without my husband.

One of the worst thing I hate is when you talk to someone about depression or you tell them your depressed and they think you are "just sad." It is so much more than feeling blue or down. 

Please don't ever feel bad for getting help or being on meds. I thought if I got meds than I was truly crazy. If anyone ever needs to talk I'm always good at listening.