Darkness was falling all around. The sounds of screaming filled my ears, drowning out all other sounds. Why was I here? Why had I come to this place? Why did it hurt so much?

"I can give you hope!" he had said. "It'll be better this way."

It hadn't been better. Hadn't even been good. The image of absolute glee on his sadistic face as he pulled the blood-stained knife from my bleeding heart was still burned in my mind's eye. His grating laughter began to fill my already throbbing head, swelling into a horrible symphony of hate and despair.

I had had no hope. I had been living (if you could call it that) in a constant cycle of regret and loneliness. I was searching for hope in a world that seemed devoid of life itself. The backstabber had come promising me the very thing I was searching for. Hope. He'd lied. Now I was more alone, and more hopeless than I'd ever been before. Writhing in pain and crying tears of anguish, I cried into the darkness; searching for just a fleeting glimpse of hope. Maybe, just maybe, it would be enough to heal my broken and dying soul.

"Help!" I cried, weakly. I felt my soul draining away; fading into the darkness enclosing me.

"I'm here." whispered a warm, gentle voice. "I've got you."

I didn't know who it was, but I knew he was there to help. His touch was different from the one of the hateful demon of false hope. This savior's touch was one of real hope. Tangible and bright.

"Trust me." said the gentle man, lifting me in his arms.

Strength and power emanated from him. I felt myself resting my faith in him more and more. Somehow, his very light was healing my deepest scars. I felt a rush of something I hadn't ever felt, but knew what it was immediately. Like a ray of sunshine peeking through a bleak winter sky, it warmed my heart and soul.

It was hope.

The waters are blue,

Reflections of the sky’s hue.

Ducks along the shore,

Swimming in waters, Oh, so pure!

Two fishermen, grizzled and old,

Telling tales; epics untold.

A cool evening breeze,

Calls and invites me.

Here I sit, alone and in awe,

Telling God, Thank you for it all.

I could smell its rancid breath as it permeated the humid air in my bedroom closet. It was scratching and sniffing, tasting the molecules for my scent. Its heavy footsteps thumped around outside of the door.

”Please, no!” I whispered, closing my eyes.

I heard it coming closer, still searching for its prey, me. I squeezed myself farther into the back of my closet, trying to melt into the darkness around me. I was clutching my favorite childhood toy to my chest. I had found it on the floor when I had scrambled into my closet, trying to hide from the horror that awaited me outside. The tattered teddy bear provided small comfort from the terror that hunted me.

THUMP.

Silence.

THUMP. THUMP.

A steady thumping sound traveled across the walls of my bedroom. It came closer and closer, growing louder and louder. My heart was beating so hard against my sternum I thought that it might break through my chest.

THUMP.

The thumping stopped abruptly, and a deafening silence ensued. I cautiously looked up at the door of my closet, expecting the inevitable crashing of the door being torn off of its hinges, screams piercing the dark, and vile laughter, but there was nothing.

THUMP. THUMP.

The thumping resumed, growing ever closer until my closet door was rattling under every blow. I stifled a scream as a giant claw wrapped around the edge of my door. A screechy creaking sound emanated from the hinges of the door.

“Anybody home?” asked a deep, raspy voice. “Don’t be shy! I just want to play!”

The fist of fear gripped my heart and squeezed it until it stopped.

CRASH!!!

The door flew off of its hinges, revealing a ghastly sight. A reptilian creature rose to its full height, stretching four scaly wings, and flexing rippling muscles covered in sharp scales that wildly pierced the darkness at scattered angles. Bioluminescent light cast a pale blue glow over everything.

“What do you want?” I whispered hoarsely.

”You.” It rumbled.

”Why?” I trembled.

”Because, child! You are my greatest trophy! A human, especially a young one such as yourself, is quite a delicacy where I come from.”

”No!” I tried to scream, but it got caught somewhere between my lungs and my throat as the creature dragged me off into the darkness.

It's a cold, wintery morning as The Fisherman pulls into the parking lot. He pulls his bags from the backseat of his 2004 Ford F-150, and drags them through the glass, automatic sliding doors that mark the entrance to an unknown destination. The sounds of hundreds of people milling about fills his ears in a cacophonous din so loud it drowns out his very thoughts.

Just last week he had bought a plane ticket to nowhere, and he was ready to go. He was ready to get away from the masses and leave this world behind. There was nothing here for him, or so he thought. He might as well save everyone else the trouble of caring about his existence. He didn't belong; didn't feel any purpose. He felt as if he had been born into a world devoid of sanity and hope.

He gets in line to check his baggage, and says one final goodbye to the supposed wretched world he lives in. He hefts his bags onto the scale and shoves his hands in the pockets of his dirty blue jeans. The attendant glances at her computer screen and turns to look The Fisherman in the eyes.

"No one truly goes nowhere."

Suddenly, it felt as if a burden had been lifted from The Fisherman's shoulders.

This is not as good as Weekend Blues, but here it is. I’m not sure if I will keep the chorus all five times, because that is a lot of chorus, but, for now, that is how it is staying. I probably won’t actually get it produced until I’m 47 anyways. The chorus is pretty good, though, in my opinion. The rest I feel could be better.

My thoughts were racing

I couldn’t focus on what anyone was saying

So I asked You to bring order to the chaos

And tell my thoughts to lay off

When my thoughts began to dwell

You didn’t seem to offer any help

You gave me a pull

I had no clue what to do, but my heart was full

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

My thoughts increased

They attacked me like some savage beast

So I followed where I knew You were leading

Without knowing Your meaning

I found what You wanted to transpire

And now it’s my one desire

To get back to that moment

And learn what You would like to have happen

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

My thoughts still wander

And oft I think about her

I wonder why You had us meet

It wasn’t chance, and yet I can’t seem to see what You want it to be

The longer I wait for her letter

My head grows further from better

Is she a friend?

Or was it nothing that’s messing with my head?

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

I prayed long and hard to find her again

Then I did, just as I asked for it to happen

I followed Your lead

I listened to what You were telling me

I followed Your call

But now I feel like I’ve lost it all

Did You send her to me to take her away?

I’m trying to stay hopeful, but I’m losing faith

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

I have lost all focus

Every second is hoping

My prayer has been answered

That I got a letter

That I know why You sent her

That I’ll see Your will better

But I’m left feeling blind

Feeling alone with all this conflict inside

Hollow and empty, you can see it in my eyes

Holding onto my last hope as I’m trying not to cry

I feel hurt and forsaken

For how long it’s taken

To get an answer to this question

That You put in my mind

God, can You hear me? You’ve left me in the dark

I don’t know how much longer I can last in this swimming pool of sharks

Not the song I set out to write, but I am happy with how it turned out. It is inspired by classic rock and roll, particularly Hound Dog by Elvis. It’s a high BPM song with an upbeat tune. The lyrics are a little sarcastic to show that he is lying in saying that he is fine. The song ends in half time (likely the wrong terminology, but you catch my meaning) for a more candid look into what’s floating through his head. If I can find the inspiration to write the song I wanted to write, you’ll see what I mean, so be on the lookout for another song. I’ll stay up until midnight writing it if I have to, lol.

Monday through Friday, I’m working nine to five

Working for a living, yeah, I’ve got to stay alive

Oh, no, baby, in that time, I’ve got nothing on my mind

You’d be impressed with how I deal with my stress

I’m at my best when I’m hard pressed

Oh, I never lose focus, and my head is clear

Why would I ever lie to you, my dear?

Oh, don’t worry, honey it’s just my weekend blues

Throughout the week, I’m fine, but about this time, there’s nothing I can do

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

When I’m at home, I’m enthralled with you

You’re the best, I can’t keep my mind off you

Oh, no, baby, I’ve got nothing to hide, nothing on my mind

No, I’m not acting funny, not playing hard to get

Don’t worry ’bout me, I’ll be in bed before ten

Oh, I said that it’s nothing, and my head is clear

Why would I ever lie to you my dear?

Oh, don’t worry, honey it’s just my weekend blues

Throughout the week, I’m fine, but about this time, there’s nothing I can do

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

When I’m awake, I’m alright, my dear

Everything is fine, you have nothing to fear

Oh, no, baby, I’m calm inside, nothing's on my mind

No, I’m not bitter, I’m just sparkly as glitter

You don’t need to bother, ’cause I’m warm as winter

Oh, I said that I’m fine, and my head is clear

Why would I ever lie to you my dear?

Oh, don’t worry, honey it’s just my weekend blues

Throughout the week, I’m fine, but about this time, there’s nothing I can do

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

I said, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Oh, don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

Don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

It’s just my weekend blues

My weekend blues

Oh, baby, I’m fine

So don’t you mind

The vacant stare in my eyes

You’re so accustomed to

This new way I look at you

You know that it’s not true

But I’m stuck in this pensive mood

Trying to find the right thing to do

You’re asking me questions, but getting no answers

As you hurt, you understand me better

I’m searching for truth

While losing my youth

I feel powerless, like there’s nothing I can do

But don’t worry, honey, it’s just my weekend blues

The emphasis in the outro here is the line “You’re asking me questions, but getting no answers/As you hurt, you understand me better.” This shows what he is going through. He has questions, he is looking for answers, but he is coming up empty. He thought he knew what God’s will was, but now he is unsure. The suspense and lack of an answer is killing him, causing him to wrestle with it all the time. He’s losing focus, he feels like he’s losing his sanity, and he just can’t escape the hurt. He feels forsaken, but he’s still searching. Looking for truth, even though it has taken him longer than he wants it to. He knows God will answer, but he’s losing heart.

I have a fear of abandonment

I know that I wouldn’t be able to handle it if

Someone left me; I can’t be left alone

So I hold on tightly to the friends I have and make new ones sparingly

I thought the feelings would fade, but now that I’m older the weight on my shoulders seems to have grown

I fight to have courage, but I’m a coward and not what I dare to be

No matter how many times you say you’ll be there for me

I’ll still fear that one day something I say will play a role in us parting ways, so desperately

I cling to you to you in hopes that you’ll stay

My fear has no weight, but I stay up late and lay

In bed, thoughts racing through my head, pondering my mistakes and if you’ll be there when I’m lying in a casket

I’m clingy, I’ll never leave your side, though I try to mask it

My thoughts are toxic, they tear me to pieces

They beat me down and keep me fearing your leaving is nearing; it never ceases

I don’t know why I keep sipping this poison they offer

They have me convinced that they are the author of my future

But the Hell they show me is not what I desire

Fear grips me by the throat like thorns to a flower

I feel like I have no power

I feel like everyone I love is waiting to leave me

My wicked, twisted thoughts continue to deceive me

Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain

I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name

Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist

Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind

Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide

If I love you, I have something to say to you

But I just can’t bring myself to

A confession of addiction, an affliction that’s been with me for too many years

A talk of salvation, a conversation among the chiefest of my fears

Unexplainable feelings of love and a hope that they’re supported by our God above

An explanation for my hiding and how I just need your love and a hug

A talk of my heart and if it will ever start to heal from the loss of my beloved pet

The inevitable confession to the love of my life I haven’t yet met

A letter of regret about how I wasn’t entirely truthful about being better

But this fear of abandonment stops me from doing this, thinking that you’ll leave me and be bitter

I’m still heart broken and unprepared for loss, so I haven’t dared to come clean and talk

This lack of trust in my friends and family is holding me back in my life’s walk

Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain

I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name

Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist

Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind

Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide

I’ve been hiding for too long

Lost in gloom, yet again I’m confiding in a song

I best express my thoughts late at night in rhyme

I confide in these lines but they only help for a brief period of time

I have come to find that the solace they provide is empty and temporary

But the only other option is opening up, and I find it scary

So I’m wary to proceed, but it’s obviously the deed God wants from me

To be freed from this fear I have so needlessly

So when I’m abandoned, which I still can’t bear to let happen, I guess you weren’t a friend in the first place

But I love you; and your friendship cannot be replaced

I am the queen,

Of my little town

I am the queen,

Without a crown!

The hut is my palace,

The chair is my throne

My people have no malice,

My people never frown!

In my queendom

Of love and joy,

There is wit and wisdom

In every girl and boy.

I am no Helen,

I am no Psyche

For I rule the haven,

A place many seek.

That’s who I am,

The queen of my town

And that’s what I am,

A queen without a crown!

"Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go (Proverbs 2:9 NLT)."

As I get older, I am valuing wisdom more and more. Not because I want to be smarter for bragging rights, but for life purposes. I want to grow wiser so I can handle stressful situations with a clearer head. I want wisdom so I can write more meaningful, helpful words (and speak them too). I desire more wisdom so I can be a stronger, improved presence for my wife, my kids, my extended family, my friends, my coworkers, and to those I don't know yet. Lord, thank You for Your gift of wisdom. Please help me to cultivate wisdom and use it wisely. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

“How’s your nose?” Maya asked, tying my bowtie.

“It’s fine. I think it’s fully healed from the fight last month,” I replied.

“Ha! Fight? You got beat up, dude. There was no fighting whatsoever.”

“Pffft, I totally punched the lead in the chin, kicked the guitarist in the knee, and threw… something at the drummer.”

“Maybe in your dreams! He punched you in the nose, and you were out cold,” Maya said, giggling.

“My story is better, mi amor,” I said with a wink.

“Esta lejos de la verdad,” she replied.

“True, but it is más interesante.”

Finished with my bowtie, she stood on her toes, kissed me on the cheek, and said, “Break a leg.”

“I’d rather not. Broke my nose last month,” I said, walking away.

“Love you.”

“Love ya too.”

I exited my dressing room and walked down the hall to the curtains. Taking a deep breath, I walked on stage.

“WHAT UP, WHAT UP, WHAT UP!? IT’S YA BOY CJ BACK UP IN THE HEEZY FOR REALZY!” I hollered.

It was so quiet after I said that you could have heard a pin drop.

“Well, that joke didn’t work. Duly noted. It’s Pen to the Paper 8, yo,” I said. Then, deepening my voice, "Drop the mic.”

SCREEEEEEEECH!!!

″That was a mistake!” I said, covering my ears and walking off stage awkwardly.