It is going to sound so cliché and I know it is entirely expected of people to write something relating to their partners but everything always feels perfect around him. I know, I know...boorinngggg. Hear me out, though, the perfection is found in the way that laughter erupts and breaks the silence in the room. His smile ignites a spark in my chest and every single time I hear his laugh I can't help but get lost in the flames. The joy comes any time and every time we're together. Yes, I know how cliché that sounds, but it is the happiest I have ever been.

Today, our perfect moment was having shared thoughts on the evening's movie date. It was a great film, and I think we agreed on that for different reasons but we were both on the edge of our seats almost the whole time. As connected as I always feel to him, this was just one of those moments. It was just like in the movies, when the two characters would glance at each other and smile because of some cute but slightly awkward scenario...except we were both stress eating popcorn and had our eyes glued to the screen until the end of the movie. We just sat there as the lights came on and the credits started rolling with huge smiles on our faces as we immediately began reflecting on the most nerve-wracking scenes. And then came the laughter. It was just that and whatever music came during the credits echoing through the empty theater. We kept laughing and talking about the movie as we went down the steps to leave. It is such a small moment but it felt so magical and it carried on until we made it out the theater doors. It was just one of those moments.

Hey.

Hate to break it to you but You were definitely in your writing prime when you wrote to me. It's been kind of hard to write, or at least to write well enough. Other than writing, we haven't really found any other passions, not any new ones at least. We're still into photography (or the simple idea of taking pictures as a form of expression) but it's grown to become a more concert-specific hobby. Maybe if loving people counts, then we might have found something a little more new.

As far as routines and spontaneity go, we have little to no routine anymore. Considering the college schedule and the flexibility at work, there is basically no consistency anywhere (yes, it is the struggle you think it could be) but it allows for a lot more spontaneous activities. After graduation (CRAZY, I KNOW!), which was a very indie-coming-of-age-short-film moment, we went to see Coldplay with Jojo and The Weeknd at Raymond James. These were both very spontaneous decisions, especially considering we got the Coldplay tickets with Jojo at like 11:30pm the night before the show. We loved it. A lot. Recently, we also visited Sofia up in D.C. with Mama and it really helped with our little soul-searching obsession. Side note: yes, He was at graduation and we were together but it was also really complicated and it ended not long after.

In regards to turning 18, it was cool but it didn't feel as monumental as I expected. We stopped living with our dad which was an awkward but much needed transition to make. It still feels really off sometimes to not interact with him or Reinaldo, or to not be able to mess around with the boys everyday after school. Anyway, we didn't get anything after graduation and we still don't have our license so a car would be useless. We have barely driven in the past few months, which is definitely as sad as it sounds, but it's okay. We get rides from our friends that we originally met at work (except Carolina because we did indeed meet her at Leto). They're great and all but we already know that so I'm not going get into detail.

Obviously, lots of things changed so I was no longer thinking about what You had originally written so that trip to avoid family pressures didn't happen because those pressures changed and kind of decreased. It happened but in a different way, like when we went to D.C., we still explored ourselves and what we were capable of while being far from home which was definitely what we wanted to do. We had high hopes and although things changed, we still did what we wanted and I'm insanely happy about that. Lately, life has been ridden with anxiety in nearly every aspect but being able to find this site again and read over something I had written so long ago gives me a strange, nostalgic reassurance. I don't want to write about the hopes that I have for my future self because at this point I'm not too sure I have any, I just hope I get to go to more amazing concerts like Coin part 2 and The Wrecks!!! That is literally it.

544 words reflecting back on the original 619 that were full of hope and desire. With this, I'm hoping to leave behind some of my anxieties as this has shown me that as time goes on, plans might change, and that's okay. You still did what you wanted and look where you are now. You have gotten further than you originally anticipated and I am so proud of you for that.

I love you. Past, Present, and Future Me.

-College Barla :)

12:33am on Nov 9, 2022

I hope you have found a passion or two, or at least that this specific discovery is a goal of yours. I also really hope you’ve been living with spontaneity- that’s our current soul searching obsession. Maybe you’ve gotten comfortable in your routines but I sincerely hope otherwise because you deserve a good adventure or two, just a couple simple distractions. Regardless of whether or not spontaneity is the path you have chosen, if you find this again soon then go for an adventure. Whether that means taking a new route on a walk or visiting a new state, I think you should go for it.

Now, I don’t want to be corny and do the thing where I ask my future self questions that I won’t get an answer to yet...but yes I do. How was/is school? Have you graduated? If you did then was it as empowering and as magical as you thought it’d be? Was He with you? I really hope that question didn’t trigger anything for you. I hope everything is perfect because I know you’ve been overly worried, maybr you should chill out a bit.

I don’t think you’ll forget about this and find it after too long because I bet you’ll be coming back here to keep writing but no matter when you encounter this piece, I want a response piece! Take some time to reflect. It would be sick if this was found after some cool life-changing event like your upcoming birthday...big changes in a few months! Are ypu excited? Right now, I’m pretty nervous but I definitely am excited for my own freedoms and such.

Speaking of which, and this kind of ties in to our current soul searching obsession, here is what I’s thinking for a graduation gift (or something along the lines of a reward). For starters, yes, I think a car would be amazing but it would be even better if I could get it earlier on. Getting a job is kind of necessary for that outcome and the other one I have in mind. Obviously, I would have to figure a way to be making money so I can get my car because if it is just up to my family...that will definitely take until after graduation. I want to take a trip. As a gift. Or reward.

I’m thinking of taking this trip as a way to experience my freedoms and explore my individuality. I need to learn how to manage myself and my own responsibilities so taking a trip, not too far, without my parents is the best way to start off. I’ll take a well deserved break from my day-to-day and I will get a chance to experience things by myself and for myself, without the pressures of a family-oriented itinerary. I wonder how that conversation with our mom is going to go...or even how it went. Anyway, I think a nice week in Orlando with some friends (yeah, sure) and with Him or renting out a house by the beach is the ideal experience. Something more crazy, both monetarily and conceptually, would be traveling to a different state or country. That’s a very outside-of-the-box idea, though.

I wonder what you’re thinking to yourself as you read this because while writing I’m thinking, “Yep, this is exactly how I can voice my thoughts to our mom and this is exactly what I want to experience.” I expect you would either be reading this and disappointedly looking back on how high our hopes were or you would be happily reflecting on the experience(s) and the self-discovery that occured on the possible trip. Wow, now I’m excited to look back on this in the future.

619 words to capture my high expectations and reoccuring thoughts about my future. Hopefully this is all conveyed effectively enough that I will experience the outcome my adventure-deprived soul craves.

Just say yes. Take the risk.

All I can do is hope.

-Senior Year You

11:30am on Aug 15, 2021

beauty is a story usually told by the body

let my imperfections be the empty pages

your words the pen that which writes my story

let the intertwined stretch marks be the map to my purity

and your fingertips those that which travel the winding roads

i want you to explore my every feature find my deepest darkest secrets

and trace the scars that they left behind

follow me into the unexplored

inadvertently step off the edge

let me fall in to your line of sight

catch a glimpse of all my flaws

write me a thousand words

indite every thought you have

compile every second guess

put me in a picture frame above your bed

be careful in the misshapen and the disfigured

take me there, all the way

disrupt the sinlessness

tell me the story of my beauty

Hello sky,

hello moon,

hello stars

oh how i’ve missed you.

it’s been a long day

and i have tried so hard

but failed once again.

i am so glad you’re back.

i can finally relinquish the tears i held back

because your light shines down serenity to my soul.

i am finally at peace.

thank you for coming.

i think my bedroom ceiling is getting bored of me.

i think it’s upset because i’m not a silent sleeper anymore.

it can’t dance around in the dark,

because i’m too busy crying

after 10pm

Its simple, but it’s real.

You and your smile,

hugs,

even your kisses

Our eyes meet, so close.

We lean in,

touch,

I feel your smile

Our lips dance, forever.

There she is. I really didn’t think she would look so...misshapen. It’s almost appaling how all her curves are in the wrong spots, wonky and out of place. Her stomach protrudes more than her breasts, or rather more than her right breast. They are terribly uneven, as is the rest of her. Asymmetrical. Her smile, her hips, and even her eyebrows have a certain warped distinction. Maybe I’m being too critical of her, I doubt she even sees all of these flaws on her person.

The look in her eyes says otherwise, along with that downward twist dancing on her lips, she knows very well of her appearance. She is too critical of herself, the poor thing. Regardless of what she may see and what I see as I stare back at her, she isn’t too bad. Her eyes hold a sparkle of hope...I have no idea what for because she is still a horrendous mess. I know you just woke up but quit blankly staring and comb that bird’s nest down! She is definitely a piece of work but the final product will always be exactly what it needs to be. It works out. She can be pretty, too.

expectations

and rigged ideas of normalcy

weigh us down like anchors on a sinking ship,

passengers confined to flooding suites.

there is only one path to succes,

the rest remains untold

untaught

unexposed

you are a beautiful woman, they shout

boys don’t cry, they whisper

do not row the same broken boat,

you are better

brighter

breathtaking

our hearts hold tsunamis of emotion,

but our walls are built too high

and too strong

i will not let you in

“kids these days”, they mumble

they don’t know the half of it

but i thank them for their anchors

#poetry