I wish I had a Time Machine

So I could go back to when I was 17

So I could find love

So I wouldn’t have to be figuring it out at 23

I wish I could go back to when I was 13

So I could find happiness

So I could find love when I was 17

So I wouldn’t have to be figuring it out at 23

Baby let’s make this night last forever

Can’t we stay here in this moment

Make it stretch to eternity?

Let’s stay the night

We’ll go to Iceland

Where they never see the light

Except the ones created by lampposts over the asphalt

Blazing bright as people stumble in and out

Of bars

Of clubs

Of love

If the sun can’t catch us

We’ll live forever

It is fire

It is rage

It is anger

Anger at a world you can't fix

Anger at yourself for being this way

Anger at God for making you suffer

Anger

Rage

White hot

Blinding

Hatred

For the world

For yourself

For God

You punch the wall

The reasons not known to you

You know nothing

You can do nothing

You are

Nothing.

It is ice

It is apathy

It is indifference

Indifferent to a world you can't fix

Indifferent to yourself for being this way

Indifferent to a God that makes you suffer

Indifferent

I am nothing

I feel nothing

IamsadIamtiredIamangry

All at once

I am confused

I am scared

I am alone

I have too many emotions I don't know what to do with

I feel everything

I feel nothing

All at once.

What am I to do?

I am tired

I am tired.

I

Am

Tired.

I want to love

I want to be in love

I want to not be loved

I want

I want

I want

I want to give

And give

And give

And give

And give

And give

But not receive

I want to kiss and not be kissed

I want to hold but not be held

I want to love yet not be loved back

I cannot be loved.

I need

I need someone

Someone to hold me

Someone to love me

Someone to need me

But I don’t deserve it.

No.

I never do.

"What do you mean you're 'leaving?!'"

"Claire, we've been over this. I'm going to college! I told you I'm not staying here forever."

"Yeah, I guess I just didn't think it would be so soon..." Claire muttered, voice craking.

Charlotte put her hand on the monster's cheek. Cold, scaly. Damp from tears. "Hey, look at me," she said, lifting up Claire's chin, "things are gonna be ok. Someone else will move in here and you'll actually be able to scare them now! Maybe they'll even get a nice new bedframe that doesn't creak so much."

Claire sniffled. "It just won't be the same without you." Tears began streaking down her cheeks. For a 6'6" behemoth of the shadows, she certainly was a softie.

"I know, I'll miss you too." Charlotte pulled in Claire for a hug. She felt the bulky muscles in the creature's back relax as she slowly lowered her wings. They stood like this for some time - just a girl and her monster from under the bed - embracing.

"Ow," Charlotte whispered. Claire instinctively let go. She didn't realize how hard she'd been hugging Charlotte until she saw the claw punctures in her shirt.

"It's fine, don't worry about it," said Charlotte as she felt the holes in her clothes. "It's cold out, I'll be wearing a jacket anyway." She paused. "Goodbye, Claire," she said as she grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze.

And with that, Charlotte slowly walked out and closed the door, leaving Claire to retreat back underneath the bed, into the darkness once again.

Furbies are odd, small, obsolete

Creatures from 20 years ago.

Older than me

Passed from family to family

Until it came into my care.

This chittering, chattering, screeching thing

Purchased for $20

Gives me a lifetime of hope.

Because if this thing —

Old, outdated, unattractive —

Can receive love from myself and others

Maybe I can too.

There are colors that exist

That scientists say

Are impossible.

They shouldn’t be possible to see,

Yet here they are—

Defying logic

Defying science

Defying reason itself.

———————————

Am I an impossible color?

Are there parts of me which should not exist,

Yet still prevail?

Does my being defy reason herself?