“I do not want to die.”

“No one wants to die, my friend but we all do.”

“I—I mean, I don’t want to die—like this.”

“It isn’t so bad. You won’t feel much pain. I promise.”

“But there will be some, yes?”

“Death is like love, to experience and appreciate it more, you do have to suffer, somewhat.”

“But I was told there would be an injection.”

“You were told wrong. Now please, hold still while I tighten these straps.”

“How—how—how long does the pain last?”

“Usually less than five to maybe seven to ten seconds. Technically, you’ll be dead the second it starts.”

“I guess that’s not so bad, then. But what if I don’t die? What then?”

“That’s never happened, but—if it did, you’ll have wished you were dead. You’ll become nothing more than a squashed tomato.

“Okay, straps are tight enough and I just got the sign that it’s time.”

“I guess then that ….”

You follow me

You swallow me

You made me think

I wanted you

You made me think

It takes two

You’re in my nightmares

You can live

And it’s not fair

You touched me

Now I don’t have a face

You touched me

And I left without a trace

You touched me

Now home is not a place

I wanted you

Because you made me feel

Like nothing

And you were something

You touched me

And suddenly I wasn’t a person

Come and get me if I scream

Suddenly I don’t have a body

And nobody could ever want me

Because you told me so

And you say

That you don’t know

You make me think I’m lying

You make me cry without trying

And all I wanna know

Is how you

Don’t.

#poetry #PTSD #abuse #pain

A tiny cry erupts from somewhere below my feet: “Mewwww!!”

My heart rate escalates and I begin scouring the ground. Sounds like a baby kitten! What’s a baby kitten doing in a Trader Joe’s parking lot!?

There, a grey fuzzball in the bushes!

He’s bleeding!

“MEWWWW!”

“IT’S OKAY, I’LL GET YOU TO SAFETY!”

I scoop him up and run across the parking lot like I’m being chased with a gun. Concerned heads turn.

I swing open my trunk and place him alongside 4 other injured kittens I coincidentally found while running errands today.

Looks like I’m a kitten rehabilitator now.

A tiny cry erupts from somewhere below my feet: “Mewwww!!”

My heart rate escalates and I begin scouring the ground. Sounds like a baby kitten! What’s a baby kitten doing in a Trader Joe’s parking lot!?

There, a grey fuzzball in the bushes!

He’s bleeding!

“MEWWWW!”

“IT’S OKAY, I’LL GET YOU TO SAFETY!”

I scoop him up and run across the parking lot like I’m being chased with a gun. Concerned heads turn.

I swing open my trunk and place him alongside 4 other injured kittens I coincidentally found while running errands today.

Looks like I’m a kitten rehabilitator now.

A woman and a man

Walk hand in hand

Because they can

They live in a dreamland

I glance her way

She stands slumped

I want her to stay

But I'm stumped

No one would accept it

Not here, not now

Not even one bit

How could they allow

A girl to like a girl

A boy to like a boy

They would hurl

Insults and slurs with joy

I walk over to her

'Hey' I say

My hearts a blur

She's whisked it away

'Oh, hi' she says quietly

We smile

Suddenly I don't care about society

I think I'll stay for a awhile

We retreat into the world we created inside of my bedroom. We're finally alone together, but it's not like it used to be. I used to be able to just forget everything and get lost in her embrace. The world would fade away, but now it doesn't. It remains outside the locked door, ready to knock.

I've come to expect interruptions. Texts. Phone calls. The doorbell. And everytime she would break away from me. To text back. To answer her cell phone. To peek out the blinds to see who was at the door.

From the start, I knew that I was her secret. I knew that we had to be careful. So, in a way, I guess it made sense for her to check back into her social circle. Still, I couldn't help but feel like I was easy to push aside.

That's why it isn't easy for me to let my guard down. I don't get swept up in her arms. I don't melt into her kiss. I don't revel in the taste of her strawberry chapstick or the scent of vanilla coming off her skin.

It isn't until we're both undressed and in bed that I begin to unravel. There's nothing between us now. No facades. No distance. No clothes. Just us.

She straddles one of my legs. Her curly brown hair falls over her shoulder with the movement. Her hazel eyes are heated. Her face is flushed. Her lips are bruised from kissing. All because of me.

I reach up to caress her face, trying to get a grasp on what she's feeling. Is it only lust? Or is it more than that? My heart aches, yearning for the answer.

Her body speaks, grinding against me with a fervor that makes my mind go numb. All the while, her gaze is locked onto mine, like she's watching me for my reactions. She's got me moaning, but what really gets my juices flowing is the mere sight of her losing control. She wears an expression of estacy, her eyes darkened with lust. Moans spill out of her mouth as she moves against me, her small round breasts bouncing, her tits erect.

The heat builds and builds until it explodes and overflows through me. My body goes stiff and breaks out into spasms as I cum. I can feel her cum on my thigh shortly after.

She falls beside me, beautifully out of breath. I reach out to hold her and she lets me. She's not much of a cuddler, but she indulges me, anyway. I burrow close to her chest, listening to the sound of her heartbeat. Just as I'm about to drift off, I can feel her hold me closer still.

Come morning, she's gone. She didn't leave a note or even a text. The only trace of her left is the scent she left on my sheets and pillow.

I clutch onto the pillow with a heavy sigh. What am I even doing anymore? In my mind, I know that she's only using me as a way to fulfill her secret desires. But in my heart, I'm hoping for something more. I'm hoping for something that she can't possibly give me.

This world of ours won't ever expand past this bedroom. It'll remain small and brittle until it's destroyed by the very fire that created it.

What's it like to be a mortal on a date with a superhero? I don't even know if I am a superhero.

I was having a crappy day that day and I just started to feel, well, anxious. I don't know what happened in that moment when I started crying, but the first tear that came out just started to turn blue! And my whole body started to levitate.

And my voice was so loud! It was bizarre. But then the fire started. And I called out to them! And they ran as I levitated right to them! So yeah. I don't even know if I clarify as a superhero. But I'm not mortal. And I was going on a date.

Lista is actually a really beautiful girl. Short hair, cute smile, and an even cuter laugh. I met her at a restaraunt in Hoboken. Anxiety, as usual, had taken over my brain and I wasn't charming at all, but bada-bing, bada-boom, I had a date. Crazy, right?

I ran my fingers through my hair and quickly brushed my teeth. A smile like no other, I thought I had, but only for a split second before the voice in my head started asking me questions about whether I was going to make it through the date without sharing my secret.

I started on my way, walking down the streets of Washington D.C. where I was staying for a few years. My mom works for the military, so we move a lot, and for these few years it is actually where she is working - the Pentagon.

The Italian place we were going to was just a few blocks away from the apartment we were staying in, and as I approached I could see Lista. She was pretty short, but she also had a confident stance. Something I was immediately attracted to.

"Hey, Noah" she said, smiling at me. Her short hair flipped over her shoulder and I could feel a blush running down the back of my neck.

"Hey," I responded. "You look pretty nice." She was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans with a green army jacket. What a catch. She laughed.

I opened up the door for her and I tried to feel confident. It was a little bit hard. I ran my fingers through my hair again and tried to feel tall.

We sat down at the table and I began to feel extremely hot. What was the temperature in here? I guess they were cooking pizzas, and stuff like that, but it was Autumn and fifty degrees outside. It should be cool everywhere, or at least a comfortable level of heat. But no. This was steaming hot, and Lista felt it, too.

After our serve came to order us drinks, she took off her army jacket. "Is it hot in here, or am I just...like..." I nodded and pushed up my sleeves.

That's when I started sweating.

And that's also when I started to feel tingly. And weird. Like that day I saved the kids when I was in eighth grade. It was a one time incident, but I remembered the feeling like I felt it yesterday. I was in sophomore year when I met Lista, though, and now I was going on a date. And apparently sweat could trigger it just like tears.

My heart started to thud as our pizza came and Lista smiled as she pulled a piece off and onto her plate. "You okay, Noah?" A look of concern filled her stare. She put down her half eaten pizza. "No, seriously." Blushes ran down my whole neck. The sweat kept coming and I looked down at my hands to see if they were blue.

They were blue.

Lista looked at me. Her smile faded as she looked at me head. "Oh my god!" she said, then quieted down when she got a few glares. "Oh my god, are you okay!?" She reached her hand across the table and took hold of my hand. I wasn't too busy worrying about my blue-ness to look at her and feel a rush of romance as she touched my hand. But that feeling quickly fleeted.

Then the levitation started. My heart thudded and fluttered at the same time and the butterflies multiplied as I wrapped my ankle around the table to keep myself down. I tried to bend down to tie my laces to the chair. I tried to weigh myself down with a fork and knife in my Docs. Nothing worked. Panic! Panic! It flooded my senses! The anxiety hit me like a wave!

Lista - a terrible first date! Her face was concerned amd she wouldn't let go of my hand. I was maybe relieved, maybe annoyed, maybe - oh, I didn't care how I felt, all I wanted to do was stop sweating! Thud bump, thud bump, thud bump, thud - up.

My hand slowly slipped out of hers as I floated towards the ceiling. Lista's face...I wish I had been in the right mood because it was hysterical.

"What the hell?" she screamed as I clung to the ceiling. "What is happening, Noah?" I smiled sheepishly at her. I was afraid of speaking for fear I would blow the place with my volume. People were leaping out of their chairs at this point, and the person at the counter clamoured to the phone to dial someone and freak out. "Seriously!" she screamed again, in a scared, confused tone. I swallowed hard and opened my mouth.

"I wish I could tell you right now," I whispered, or at least tried to - it came out as a giant gust of wind with a few consanants. Her hair blew in her face and behind it, and every customer in the pizza shop ran out the door screaming.

"Listen, Noah," she screamed over the noise of all of the people screaming and running and chairs falling. "I will catch your foot! I'll pull you down and then you can explain to me what - whatever the hell this is!"

She is the first girl who I've ever been on a date with and she is willing to help me when I am levitating.

I nodded, afraid of being like a hurricane again. She frantically stacked a few chairs on each other, and she climbed up on top to my feet, and began to untie my shoes. "How many forks are in here, Noah?" she screamed. She dumped out my Docs and at least a dozen utensils fell out - something that would usually amuse me. But right now, in the mixture of embarrassment and wonder, it did anything but amuse me. "What the - spoons? A salt shaker? Were you that desperate before you turned blue?"

"You think this is making the situation better?" I said, accidentally probably blowing her eardrums out. She blocked her ears and I tried to say I was sorry but it probably wasn't the best time.

"Can you please not talk anymore?" I eyed her annoyingly. "I didn't mean it in a mean way it's just noisy in here!" She kept screeching as she starting to cling to my feet at the same time as she wrapped her shoeless feet around the chairs. How was she not flinging the chairs around?

Twist ties.

If this was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my high-school career with...I wouldn't mind.

But this wasn't the matter at hand. She was being a genius and helping me. The counter-man was still fumbling with a cell-phone and a landline and a ton of other things that seemed to be invisible.

What would stop this?

It hit me like a train.

"Heat!" I screamed, nearly blowing the roof off. The counter-man nearly fell onto his behind. "I said heat!" He stared and then fumbled with the phone a little more, and then put his phone down to go to the wall and messed with the thermostat.

The rest happened fast. I suddenly fell and my voice stopped being so loud. I may have accidentally crushed Lista a little bit...but I owe it to her.

A first date and that's how it went.

It's senior year now. Dating for two years after that fiasco.