Ball in a box is a psychology analogy to help create something tangible for those suffering from grief.

Imagine a box.

Within this box on one of the sides is a red button. It takes up a third of the wall, perfectly centered.

Whenever this button is pushed an immense amount of pain is sent through you.

You may fall to the ground, be forced to pull over, cry, scream, whatever human reaction you have to such an emotional wound.

There is also a ball that sits in this box. It bounces around within the box.

At the beginning of the grieving process the ball is huge.

It takes up almost the whole box and it keeps hitting that damn button constantly. At work, at home, driving into town, going grocery shopping.

This ball and this box are with you everywhere. As time goes on and you begin to heal the ball make shrink in size.

Some people’s balls will shrink quicker than others, some much slower.

As this ball shrinks it will hit the button a little less, but when it does hit it, the same amount of pain will shoot through you.

The ball doesn’t shrink in any predicable or linear fashion.

The ball may even appear to shrink for a long time and then grow again, especially around memorable events like birthdays or holidays.

Throughout the process the ball will continue to grow and shrink.

For some people the ball may disappear, but for many it never will.

This is my journey through one of the most painful processes I have ever experienced.

Are you sure this isn't some terrible dream?

Why can't I wake up?

I was never good at mourning

I was never good at death

Willie, Willie Lovin, you were one of the best

The world got a little dimmer the day you left

Just as the world got a little brighter the day you were born

I know you would not want us to mourn

So I wish to celebrate your life

I only knew you a short time

But I will remember you for the rest of my life

I've never see somebody drink so much diet coke

You loved to drink and laugh and joke

You loved your old Chevy trucks and how they rarely got stuck

You loved snowboarding

Talked of how it provided escape from the cold winter blues

You loved loading up the kayaks for a float down the Narrows

Everywhere was an adventure with you

You loved making cheese roll-ups on your little red grill and going for long drives through Idaho's forgotten trails

I remember cruising the back country, never in a hurry, because to you, everywhere was home

You loved your dog Tank and I imagine you two together again

Smiling down from heaven or wherever you went

You always took care of your friends and family, packing enough for three just to be sure everyone had plenty

I remember nights crammed into your carport and scattered across the lawn

Laughing and singing and dancing the night into dawn

How you couldn't sing for anything, but always did to your favorite songs

I'll always think of you when I hear that one by Blue October

You taught me more about self-love and forgiveness than I could ever ask for

You taught me the balance between kindness and ignorance

You showed me how to be weak and you gave me strength

I love you Willie Lovin and I always have

I will miss you now that you've gone

As will so many others

Because of knowing you, we are all better off

Thank you Willie, for the good times and the memories you provided all of us

Oh and for that "welcome home" hug

That's the thing about death

It never makes sense

That's the thing about grief

It's a process

You don't get over it

You get through it

For the rest of your life, you get through it

When that day passes, the one that took them away, you'll relive that pain

And again when it's their birthday

You throw a party but you're no longer sure what you're celebrating

Your eyes will fill with tears, overflowing with all the love you want to give, but you don't know where to put it

I don't think it ever gets better

I don't think it ever gets easier

I think we get stronger

Day by day, we learn to hold the weight a little steadier

We learn to turn pain into love

We learn to turn anger into gratitude

We try to live the lives the gone wished we would

I became a better person from knowing you

I'll continue to be a better person from losing you

After all you gave, living a good life is the least I can do

I received some wonderful advice yesterday and wanted to pass it on to all of you

If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one who left, what would you want Willie to do?

I'd want him to embrace his emotions, embrace being human.

I'd want him to hold his family and friends tighter than he already did.

I'd want him to let himself fall apart and pick himself up again.

I'd want him to think about the cake fight on his 30th birthday and how it took hours to clean up. Even then, there were missed spots

I'd want him to think about all those nights in the carport, listening to music and talking.

I'd want him to remember when him, Tank and I would snuggle up to watch a movie.

I want him to remember picking out our pumpkins and carving them.

How he was such an artist and I was pouty cause mine looked like a six-year-old did it.

I'd want him to remember hunting for the perfect Christmas tree.

How we hiked and hiked and almost gave up getting the one we wanted because the hill was too steep. But we did. He cut it down and dragged it all the way back to the Suburban.

I'd want him to remember teaching me how to use a chainsaw and eating subway sandwiches. How he always grabbed a Maverick cup on autopilot though he already had a million in the truck.

I'd like him to remember all the Sunday drives we took especially that one to Causey.

When I drove my little red car through Avon and almost got her stuck.

But we made it and the views were worth all the suspension damage we had caused.

I'd want him to remember that trip up to Beaver, the one time we got to snowboard together. Even though I was 3 hours late and not half the boarder he was.

He never complained, helped me correct my form and always waited up.

Those are the times I'd want him to think about now.

The memories I would ask him to pull strength from.

The ones of long talks that ended in hugs.

The late nights full of love and laughs.

Those mornings when I'd make him get up because the sun was up, and I was hungry.

How he never complained, just grunted and made breakfast.

I'd want him to remember how much he meant to me and how I became a better person because of him.

I'd want him to remember all the good we had and all the things we learned.

I'd want him to take it all, move forward and do everything he could to be the best person.

Since the shoe isn't on the other foot and it is he who has left.

It's me, and us, who get to do all of that.

I don't know what else to say

Grief has swallowed me whole and taken the words away

It feels like I'm screaming, but nothing comes out

It seems that death and silence have the address

Mingling together in a house with no windows

Shivering in dark cold rooms

I want to go outside

Why are the doors locked?

Please I need to feel those forgotten sun rays

What I would've give for one more day

One more Willie laugh and warm embrace

What I wouldn't give to see that million dollar smile spread once more across your face

I try to remember all the times that I did

All the, "Hello beautiful"s

All the, "Hey buuuddy"s

All the times you stood up straighter when you saw someone you loved

Your words always gentle, your voice always soft

It was somehow that way even when you were trying to be harsh

I'm clutching onto those memories

Those ones that were happy

Praying they will warm me and fill in that spot where you're supposed to be

They make me feel gratitude instead of pain

And I know which one you'd rather me feel when I hear your name

I can't promise to be graceful through this

But I can promise to be strong

I promise to keep moving forward, even as the days drag on and on and on

I promise to try and speak of it, even with my tongue tied in knots

You're already gone

I'm not gonna make it if my words become lost

Good memories and kind words is all I got

I don't know what I'm to do now

I've cried on messy bathroom floors, crumbled through open doors, asked myself how I could take much more

I've parked in front of your house, screamed at a God I don't believe in

Listened, listened for anything

Some kind of answer, some response to this madness

Silence, a profound silence

Darkness, that encases me in a way I didn't know it could

And your light hidden away in here somewhere

I've crept past denial

I know this is real

I dance between anger and depression

When it becomes too heavy I drown myself in distraction

How could this happen?

Every time I cross those city limits or even that damn "Welcome to Idaho" sign

I feel empty, confused about where I'm going because it's no longer your house, it's no longer you, but somehow it is

Because I find you, in every person who ever loved you

In your sisters when they invite away from my table for one

In your friends who greet me and hug me, regardless of the damage I've done

In the strangers who don't know me and ask me my name

In my boyfriend's kind words, how he thanks you, though he never knew you

How he says he is so grateful I met a man so genuine

How he knows you made me a better person

I want to explain how the wonderful things you gave me, all the precious moments, all the growth and beauty I get to carry with me

I don't think in all my years I'll get the chance to know a better person

My heart is broken

But if you taught me anything it's that the broken can be mended

I know that I'll get through this

Stronger with every step

One day I'll look at the pictures and smile, even laugh

I'll be happy for the past, not mournful of a love I wasn't meant to have

I'll be grateful for all the time spent, not angry at the lost time and the man who did this

My eyes will still fill with tears, but tears of joy instead of sadness

Overwhelmed with happiness for having ever had this

Today is not that day

I'm sure that day is a long ways away

It'll take a while to be okay

I'll get there, one day

The rose petals fall

Soft and fragile they litter the ground

Funny how I received your flowers today

Valentine's day

A forceful celebration of love marked by overpriced chocolates and unwarranted expectation

But the roses, they are beautiful

Your funeral almost a week ago

They are beginning to droop, petals gone dark, their time is over

They've done their part

I believe that life is art

A beautiful mosaic we can create and recreate as many times as we want to

There is no limit on colors or shapes or mediums to choose from

Some phases of life so dark it takes years of repainting to get them back bright

And then those times so full of light the blackest of blacks couldn't put it out

Every moment with you was bright and light and colorful

All the shades and hues you showed me I still use

Coloring in spots and retracing old times with a silver lining

Taking lessons as blessings

No matter how dark these times get

Or how many nights I am caught in tears and falling apart

There is nothing dark enough to shadow you out

No amount of fear or doubt

No amount of uncertainty or loss

No amount of anything at all can stand up to what you gave us

Your understanding and forgiveness

Your helping hand and lack of expectation

Your chuckling laugh and endless hugs

You gave me more than I could ever dream of

I know I'm not the only one

Your life was short

But the mosaic you created is one of the most stunning masterpieces I have ever seen

I smile as I watch it bleed into everyone you loved

Swirling together into colors yet to be named

Giving us all something so inspiring that we will never be the same

You were something, so bright and full and loving

I'm so grateful to have been able to paint with you

Sitting in a room full of everyone who ever loved you

Rum and diet coke overflowing every cup

God, you gave us all so much love

I'm in awe at all that pictures I see, all the memories

I look around the room still expecting to find you

I'm wearing that dress from the first night

Do you remember?

The Treehouse

I flirted with you for hours

It took you sooo long to notice

We both asked the hosts to sleep on the balcony

An August evening, we both thought it sounded heavenly

One kiss, our first kiss, how I smiled and you held me as we fell asleep

Never did I know you would mean so much to me

One house party, one moment

For the rest of my life, you'll be a part of it

It's still too hard to accept that you're gone

I want this nightmare to end

I just want to wake up

To your dreadful snoring, to your cigarette in the morning, to anything that says I get one more, one more, one more something

You made this, this beautiful gathering, this party

Everyone is here because you made a difference

That's all we can wish for in this life, isn't it?

You were a wonderful, giving, understanding, angelic, honest, beyond caring person

Even that sounds like an understatement

Willie Lovin

I miss you

I love you

In every one of them I see you

God. God damn it.

Here's to you

I thought I was doing alright

Your old hoodie hung up

I hadn't needed it the last few nights

The days had been rough, but I was getting through

I've drowned myself in responsibilities or slept when I found nothing better to do

Now I'm falling apart all over again, all over you

Another country song came on

About getting lost on a back road

My knuckles white, clutching the steering wheel

I pulled off the road, closed my eyes and tried to imagine you here

All I want is to go to your house and have you drive us around

Through those country hills, down to the water, maybe that spot way up top where you could see the sparse lights of a small town

I want a beer in my hand and you by my side

I want to listen to those hard songs, the ones we had to fight to keep on

I want one of those crack me open talks

Where we talked about life and love, forgiveness and all the important stuff

I want those watercolor eyes to tell me that everything's alright

I want to hear all your stories, just one more time

I feel so selfish, missing you for me

For all the comfort you gave or how you pushed me to follow my dreams

The hugs that held together my broken pieces

The way you loved me so much that I believed, for the first time, that maybe I was worthy

Worthy of being happy and worthy of wanting

I told you every terrible thing I'd ever done and you forgave me without a second thought

"We are people," you said.

"And we make bad decisions, but that doesn't mean we have to be defined by them."

How did you know all the right things to say?

You gave so much light, so much love

I promise I'm trying to carry that with me

But it's not that easy

You gave me so much care and safety

I wasn't afraid of anything when you were with me

I want to feel that safe again

The way I did with you

I am lost

Nothing is safe

I took a drive through your town

Past all the hidden houses

Out into the hills that echo with your voice

The sky as open and vast as your joy

The turns and bends that were your home

Through the fields of aspen trees

Oh how in fall, you loved their bright yellow leaves

It's almost spring

Summer is just around the corner and I'd like it to come a little slower

This winter has been cold and normally I'd be celebrating it being over

Not this year

Summer is where I feel you the most and you won't be here

I drove to the end of the road canyon

Followed the river down as well as I could and remembered the time we spent there

Kayaking down, floating on tubes, coolers filled with booze

I would've jumped in, right then, if it meant I'd be a little closer to you

I listened to country and shared your stories

You were such an intricate being

The way you were stubborn for no reason

Or how no matter what you knew, you were certain

The way you bought ice and Diet Coke from the gas station instead of the grocery store

Convenience somehow made it worth more

You always asked if your friends were hungry

If we replied, "Well, I don't have any money,"

You'd rebuttal, "I'll ask you again. Are you hungry?"

I can't even hear someone say, "Ya know what I mean?" without crying

In a room of people you love, we're laughing and I swear I can hear just a little Willie chuckling

Your presence was freeing

You gave life meaning

That drive, painful and cleansing

But good and needed

One last loop past your house

I parked out front to pause

Not sure I had the strength to pull in

All the lights still on, it's like you never left

Just hiding away in there, waiting for someone to waltz in

You'd greet them with a hug and a grin

A gas station cup and a cigarette lit

I pulled into the driveway, but I couldn't stay

I might have the strength tomorrow, but not today