sometimes i feel solus. trying to communicate with people who are seemingly unavailable. yet i find out from a sister so dear that they are available. i just forgot the ticket or i wasn't invited. i could've 'asked' as well. then she goes to sleep and i wish her sweet dreams. but i feel so defeated by the fact that all my attempts were inefficacious. that i'm the odd one out, the person that no one wants. i feel so alone and i feel so angry. i feel like i can do unspeakable things to them. i want to do those acts, but i shouldn't do them. besides, it's only a matter of time before the meeting rallies again. i finally should go to sleep or take another shower or complete an assignment. because that's all you can do right?

the taste of bile along the throat

stands among the uncomfortable sensations so far

so bad it woke me up at 3 in the morning, i woke up

because i could've done something else, right?

i traveled down the small fight of stairs

and walked to the bathroom, thinking of my phone

and who could've replied to my messages sent out pretty late

but i bet when i get it back from its resting place

i might have a reply from a friend and sister, yay or nay from the 'crush'

meanwhile, i listened to washed out, the 1975, porter robinson and madeon

i can tell you that 'years of war' is infectious, but not old robinson

old robinson was way more complex than his new set of worlds

new robinson, however, is nonconformity amongst the electronic music

i want to thank my 'other' for passing 'shelter' to me

it's just so damn beautiful, but it doesn't move me anymore

when i saw the music video i cried and cried before we had to go

for a family photo shoot in madera canyon, about a while ago

madeon brings on a different adventure from many,

powered by synths, creamy structure and his wonderful array of samples

i'm a goddamn teenager, powered by his angst,

insomniac conditions and sleep with two dogs

school stresses me out the most and i have time with my friends

but i fail to balance others upon others

and it's not worth breaking or twisting your mind

nowadays, the sensation is an old friend as well as loneliness and music

because sometimes those are the only ways of comfort from the world

to answer the age old question

of what would you do during a relationship?

i dunno, i've never had one

but i can tell you my fantastical plans

of how the stick meets the fun dip

i'm already thinking of saving up

for a weeklong trip to her as a friend

and we can do whatever she wants

i'm all down for it for a week

to compare, i'm technically the pup

but our friendship'll probably never evolve

we're close but she also has someone else

my opinion is irrelevant

because she has the first and last say

and that's fine, for the future and to-day

if you think about it, i'm temperamental

it's better to calm me down but only with caution

i might have words that come out jumbled

instead of linear, like a wire on the braces

there's only so much we can pay for dental

plus, i guess you could say that i prefer

a relationship that isn't that sexual at all

one friend calls me asexual, i dunno

where to conflict with that comparison

however i'd call it platonic and non-textual

i don't believe in sex

like i don't believe in Trump or Clinton

the 2016 election was one of 

the worst things we've done so far

sex will be the last thing, i swear like Balthazar

i'd rather focus on the emotions and connections

those are what make it meaningful for me

i'd rather tell her that she is beautiful

and i'd say it with the heart, not the lower half

the latter can go because it's not for me

and there are so many people

that are going to take this poem

wrong in so many different contexts

well let me say that you don't decide

whether to put this shit out in text

critics cannot decide the influence of a subject

they can only watch and grade the matter

they lend out criticism to its viewers indirectly

and they sometimes filter out their feelings

not wrong, but it makes it less better

until then, she has the say not me

it's possible we'll only be friends

but she does care and worry about me

and there are some days that i go too far

i'm sorry for those days

she's the only friend i have

where i can pour everything out and she understands

you may think this is a bad idea, the worst one

but friends are occasionally my catharsis

there's more emotions left to halve

imstartingtoremember

t h e v a g u e s m e l l o f a h o u s e

t  h  a  t  m  y  f  a  m  i  l  y  o  n  c  e  k  n  e  w

i   t   s   s   o   n   o   s   t   a   l   g   i   c

i    w    o    n    d    e    r    i    f    i    c    a    n

b     r     e     a     t     h     i     t     i     n

s      o      i      c      a      n      f      u      c      k      u      p

m       y       l       u       n       g       s       e       v       e       n

m        o        r        e

death is all we have left

it's the conclusion that you've been waiting for

everything is only temporary, it's only so much to gain

when all that you touch and all you see

will eventually decay in front of your eyes

i used to remember my grandmother quite well

she couldn't speak english, however

but understood some of the words i said

i had to have my mom translate for me sometimes

but i still loved her because she was so dear

but rejoice! rejoice! rejoice!

god has come to claim her into the kingdom

and i bet she was happy as my mom saw her

i just wish i could've said more to her

but i guess that's what death left me

death left us three voicemail messages

i never directly listened but i remember

that my mother was so sad and lonely

because she was the only parent left

now i know what it feels like to be alone

remember early in december and january?

i remember that i found a new friend then

and now death is closer than usual

i guess my mind has another addition to add

in its library of decencies and thoughts i don't want

do you know what its like to be alone?

i wonder if you really do

it doesn't seem like you understand that

i'm often separated mentally in school

you can say that i've never really fit in

and then an acquaintance comes and says

that its normalcy for everyone else

shows me a picture of the 'victim' of the circumstance

i fucking get it, ok?

but you'll never understand what i went though

maybe i will be isolated in the future

there's only so much an expression can shield

but death is coming. rejoice! rejoice!

though i guess an empty space

cannot scatter the angst that plagues me

sitting at the lunch table

with a friend and his acquaintance

he talks and i talk

we have such a fun time

it almost makes the dull school

seem like it's full of life

the topics that we talk about so much

and we even fangirled over the super bowl ad

for season 2 of stranger things

then he has to go when the bell rings

but we promise to talk later

and he texts sometimes

and i respond for him only

i share my honest opinions and thoughts

we are best friends

we talk about what we want

he's been with me since middle school

he hasn't replaced anyone, he has a place of his own

i'm happy that he is my friend

but now the pictures come

and look at the damage i've caused

i haven't even completed my dose

of reality

should i say sorry?

hey look, guess what?

i've dealt damage to those that i care about

but they don't understand as well

they might be just as guilty as me

but in the end, i'm the culprit

this is why i'm often better off alone

if you don't want to get involved,

leave me

i understand if i'm too serious for you

do you know how much i have to go through?

i'm stressed every day

and i already said that friends are my catharsis

i guess i ain't for you, then

i guess i ain't for serious or your kind of folk

and i'm normally a happy person

who is excited every day friday comes

and i changed for you

do you how much stress you put on me?

do you know that i changed for you

because you wouldn't like me being myself?

and you say that you don't want to be involved

that makes me laugh a little because

don't you know that no matter what

the truth spills out anyway?

that's happened to me before

and you think that asking innocent questions

is disrespectful?

well, let me tell you what

that makes me angry, more than i already am

to know that questions are nothing more than words

to you. were they all that meant to you?

i thought one was someone else

someone that i was already annoyed with

and i did not mean to spew hate at you

you should know that i didn't know

and now another don't want to get involved?

ha. that's hilarious

it's almost like i was still being me all along

i guess i should just ramble on then

because words don't matter, only actions

and i'm so disappointed at how things came to be

it's either you or me

and you're probably going to say that it's me

but i think you're just as guilty

for not telling me face-to-face the truth

as i am guilty

for being mad, angst and moody towards you

at this point, i don't care anymore

lie to me, i don't fucking care

gossip about me, you're only making yourself worse

ditch me, i was already abandoned. wasn't i?

because silence can also hurt like the lie or truth

and misunderstanding can also hurt like a blade

at least i'll still be myself and care about my friends

and you'll think i'm unstable, when clearly

i'm already fucking sane

people think that i'm a nice person

but they don't know what i've been through

friendship is a responsibility that's been given

to two people, to give and to take

one person that i trusted never tried at all

it's both our faults but i choose not to think of it,

he never really put effort and i filled out the form

he also abandoned one that i care for because of my association

and i don't think that he reciprocated her feelings

but she's a different friend than the one I truly care for

he ticked me off, he unlocked the cage

and he set forth the monster on a vicious rampage

he started the fire and he made me that way

said that one friend will be better than me

and it's true. congratulations, sherlock

you saw through me and i don't think you got the point

and you also shut someone out when all she did

was try to be friends with you

so i'm happy now since that feeling's gone

now you've seen who i am when i'm angry

i could be the hulk, but i guess i'm more like lucy

but it doesn't matter in the end

since you're now gone

do you remember california, the golden state?

the land of the beaches and the, so-called, bad bitches?

well, i've been there once and i loved every part of it

even if i complained sometimes too much

and if i was a stone-cold bitch myself

the beaches were awesome and i loved splashing

in the cold, refreshing waves

drenching myself in the seawater

and accidentally getting salt in my throat

the hot tub at the motel was awesome as well

but nothing compares to the water

if it's not riddled with seaweed

i often enjoyed the drives back

the highways and the interstates were riddled with cars

and on the bridge to a land off-state

the sunshine complimented the beach-side look

and it seemed thriving of cali citizens

who loved the environment and walks

that was before any social media

when i had twitter, instagram and snapchat

now i've got more problems and school is just a pain

the insecurities rush down on me hard

like the tidal waves went i went out too far

i remember that a decade happens

every ten years.

and then another one passes, another one arrives

i remember years ago, on august

that i had my 10th birthday and it was awesome

i still wore glasses, but i didn't care much

and contacts are sometimes still a bother

but its also ironic when, a month later

your grandmother dies of cancer

i remember that my mother came to the house

of another friend that we lived in temporarily

and broke the news, i sort of knew all along

i couldn't cry because i couldn't process

and just like that, i forgot about my birthday