If Iʼm as much of a pacifist as I like to think

Then why do I have to fight to stay peaceful?

If Iʼm as much of a logical person as I like to think

Then why is it so hard to listen to reason?

Iʼd like to think itʼs because of you

That you somehow broke me

Cause I must have achieved my ideal “self" a long time ago

But I know that doesnʼt make sense.

If I blame you, you win.

If these flaws are your fault, my "perfection” was demolished by you

Singlehandedly.

Iʼm not giving you that much credit.

Iʼm not perfect. I never have been.

I know Iʼm not the person Iʼd like to be.

I doubt anyone really is, if we're honest.

No matter how much Iʼd like to think Iʼm completely pacifist

Iʼm influenced only by logic

Thatʼs never true.

And it never will be.

So hereʼs where you lose.

You will not break me.

for how can there be p u r p o s e

in a universe "c r e a t e d"

by nothing

as nothing

for n o t h i n g?

what is meaning

when we're told

life is but the works

of chemicals and compounds

inanimate? 

what is order

seeing the world hurtle 

towards its infernal crash

via chaotic mechanisms of nature 

and the machinations of men? 

what is this irony then

that man having been equipped

by nothing with evolutionary instruments of survival must now employ same as the devices 

of its own extermination? 

how is glory attained 

if life made of dust

must in time disintegrate

and revert to sediments

un-purposed atoms of

mother earth? 

These are the words that I sing with my mouth

Make them up in my head

Watch them change once they're out

I may seem short of breath, but my lungs are infused

With the air that I breathe

That's been drugged & reused

Feel my arms going limp from the weight of my sins

Even after I end

I am forced to begin

Hear me out, as I cry

To this death, I succumb 

These are words that I sing

These are songs from the asylum

Imagine the deepest of pain.. 

Imagine the sharpness of a knife, add the sound of it cutting something to give it more effect, the feel of a little cut on your finger...

Imagine the heat of the sun...

thats what the colour red looks like

Go outside and stand in the cold for a bit...

the feeling of sadness?...

its the color blue 

When you have a laugh touch your lips from side to side.... 

imagine a girl spinning in a pretty dress outside in a flower field out in the sun...

its probably what yellow looks like 

The things that can fill-in the darkness my love are the sound and feel and smell and the taste the world has to offer for the memories that sight offers fades quickly. 

Let the sounds of the world and music accompany your mind to places that only it can.

let your skin tell you what only touch can.

let your nose stimulate the cells in your brain. 

Listen to your heart at every feeling that it sends to your entire being good and bad, Joy and Pain. 

heighten all your sense never live a normal day! never get familiar with the way you live! 

Explore all your other senses, eat food you've never tried before and feel your soul with the exotic smell .

Appreciate the slightest tingle on your skin, the slightest mass on your finger tips. 

Take time out to listen to every single instrument and pitch, every tune, flow, beat and the words ... the words that come from what happens in the darkness of someone else's mind. Because out of the darkness can come so much life!

For I remember the way I felt when he touched me more than what his face looks like... his face will change but the feeling will not.

I remember the words and the melody and harmony of that song that amplified the way I felt. 

I crave that chocolate bar and the smell of that cheesy pizza because ice cream is death to sadness.  

We close our eyes and long to stay in the darkness when we kiss... when we pray... when we listen to songs that go strength to our hearts because the best things in life are things that we can not see... 

Part of a different Social Class.

Not below the line of poverty,

don't get me wrong,

I'm grateful for what I had;

My Dad provided so Fatherly.

But, still sunk enough that some kids

wouldn't even bother with me.

Excluded,

due to my lack of toys and technology.

I was a chipper kid though!

I trucked on through

Smiles all over my face hiding any hint of the truth

I did have friends,

some of which fell through;

But mostly we just grew apart and

as I started new journeys,

They did too.

But still, Even today,

When I look back on it with 20/20 Hindsight

I can feel the

Blatant Exclusion

perpetually keeping me up at night.

"They tease you until they like you",

some would say.

But time is ticking, my soul is ripping,

and I don't know if I have it in me

to wait long enough,

For that day.

I'm sorry I don't have the items that make you content,

All my families hard earned money was way too well spent.

Im tired of your ridicule,

do something about it or

keep it inside of you.

Whatever you do,

Just please stop staring me down like I'm being held in

Contempt.

I can't say that though,

I don't want to sink to your level.

As a matter of fact,

I don't even want to be your

"Bro"

I have brothers all around me,

Different Bloods,

Genders,

Races,

And Sexual Preferences,

All surround me.

So really,

I don't have time for your little

Dog & Pony show.

You can go jet-skiing all you want,

just don't bother us

real people

I'm finally just starting,

to let it go. 

you remind me of blue winter nights

moments spend cocooned in white sheets

gasping for air, my skin dancing in your heat

you remind me of orange summer skies

lazy afternoons spend mapping your lips

bodies entwined, rose gold traces on my hips

                          your touch soft as moonlight / you remind me to feel

I remembered you looked at me,

and said with a laugh,

"You're too smart to have friends,"

and I laughed back,

thinking on, 

what an ugly truth was in that statement. 

We lie

Like wine,

Un-aged;

Or plays,

Un-staged.

We wait,

Like trees,

Un-corked.

Or clay,

Un-worked.

We weep,

Like children,

Lost.

Or lovers,

Tossed.

We sleep,

Like seeds

Un-sowed;

Or Truth

Untold.

We die,

Like vines,

De-tached;

Or eggs,

Un-hatched.

Potential Stalled;

Fulfilled?

Not at All.

My foot leaves the ground and I feel weightlessness. My eyes close and I'm numb.

Six.

I spread my arms as if to fly, but I know I'll only fall faster. And I'm okay with that.

Five.

What am I doing? I left everything. Everyone. All I've known. For this. This is my new fate.

Four.

Whatever. No regrets. I love the wind in my hair and the fresh air capturing me.

Three.

Well maybe I should've thought this through more. Why do I have to be so impulsive?

Two.

I guess it's too late now.

One.

I'm sorry.

I hit the water and it felt like concrete.

Even though it was only six seconds.