Everything is stale and unamusing. Life goes on. Cars drive forward. Babies get older. Teenagers get jobs. Students graduate. Degenerates drop out. Women fuck and get knocked up. Raise the kid hopefully with the Dad around. Then they get stuck in grey dead end jobs wasting away each day 5 days a week. From 9-5. Then come home to a family and kids, maybe a dog. Then they retire and watch tv as they age and the wrinkles form on their faces. Only to die and have the same cycle be repeated over and over again.

We live our lives in a state of grey muggy smog. With clearings and fresh air here and there. A promotion or two or something to occupy us and make us seem

Worthy and all together to others around us. But then come home to our same boring and mundane selves. Falling asleep alone on the couch, or next to the same boring person for 50 odd years.

We fill our voids with meaningless and superficial pictures and staged acrobatics to seem as if we are experiencing the world when we are really just along for the ride. Never in the drivers seat, never gripping the wheel. But in the back of the car blankly staring out the window. We see the ocean waves crashing along the shore. Pass by the hustle and bustle of the city streets. Stare up at the tall and stale black sky scraping towers, where thousands of hopeless souls just like us work al day everyday. Having the life and creativity and imagination sucked out of them from their bloody veins.

Nothing we do really matters. Atleast not in the grand scheme of it all. We are just shades of grey occupying the soil we came from, shitting and pissing all over it. Leaving it in worse condition then how we recived it. Consuming and abusing all that the world around us has to offer.

Life is just a black and white picture and it’s our egocentricity and self righteousness that lets us pick up a colored marker and color in the blocks. Never going outside the lines to wear it is noticeable. But always obeying, and staying within our lanes. Filing our taxes every year. Putting on our right blinkers even when there are no other cars in sight. Arriving to work every morning and punching in at precisely the right time.

The world around us may seem vibrant and ever changing. Offering new opportunities and new chances for stimulation and satisfaction everywhere, yet we are just walking shades of grey. Stuck in a stalement between existence and boredom.

December 9th:

I cannot get the image out of my mind. She is right in front of me. Caressing my arm she slowly draws herself nearer to me. All though she didn’t say a word, we sit there for about 3 minutes in a state of total ecstasy. With each second I begin to fall deeper and deeper into those hypnotizing hazelnut eyes. Her hair parted off center ever-so perfectly, and the dark golden strands of hair perfecting the frame of her young and mesmerizing face. There we sit together suspended in time and space.

No worries, no inner thoughts, no insecurities, we are both present and in a vortex of weariness. Infatuious LOVE. Suddenly we are in an oasis of dreamlike wondering. A sort of resort/amusement water park where Greek gods would transform into swans to subdue the one pure beauties of mortal Earth.

I chase after her, soaring through the air but with each strive she seems to drift further and further away. Finally I stop soaring over the blue pools that are filled with crowds of sirens and bodies engaged in childish splashing and pool romances. I take rest on a mound at the back of a shimmering waterfall. A figure approaches closer and closer towards me, yet I cannot make out what it is since the water flows incessantly against my vision. I walk slowly around the gorge and I see her. Only this time our infatuation seems unexistent. She is aware of my presence and smiles, but doesn’t look my way. I extended my hand as a sense of longing and she takes it with gentle hesitation. Now standing, she leads me to the end of the rocky cliff and we dive deep down into the glittering pools of lust and heaven.

When I resurface I am ecstatic, full of adrenaline and pheromones, and I turn my head aimlessly in all directions hoping to find my lover pop up out of the glistening pool. Yet she never meets me. I look around and while everyone else is engaged with and splashing about blinded with lust, I am left with the spoils of love and an endless longing. For her I wait. Floating in place with the hope that she will some soon be in front of me again but I never see her. With each moment her face slowly fading from memory, I begin to wonder if she ever existed at all.

After a momentary release from reviewing an ancient feminine poem, my eyes gazed up over the horizon and saw a wobbly and toddler like old man stumbling and waving his arms back in forth to give him momentum and keep his balance.

He was trailing behind a young pretty girl who was in my class and they were having a nice brief chat. By the way he laughed and the smile on her face I could tell that she had taken his class before. As she paid her dues and glided ahead and over the corner of the coffee stand the struggling man continued on his merry way.

Following behind was a boy, a boy and a girl. One of the boys was kind of chunky but in a joyous way. You could see them about to pass the brilliant enlightener and commenting on his stumbled walk. I don’t blame them for he stuck out like pig being swallowed by a python in the campus quad. If only they knew what kind of wit and sarcastic humor this glourious old toddler had about him. He was the teacher that never really “taught” me anything per say, but instead he reassured my instincts and feelings about a particular piece of literature’s hidden details and microcosms.

@ubiquitous

Unsettling the bones in my skull

Flashed scenes from some forgotten dreams

Secret aircrafts land between memory and desire

Their subjects made you out to be the liar

Abandoned flats and stale rat traps pollute the ancient buildings

Fragmented sculptures scattered

through the city limits

Only to find nothingness

Fates betrayal never tasted so real

As I stroll along these shattered streets

I feel nothing but the bitter and stale coldness of the atmosphere,

Drying my lonesome skin

The tragedy of a digital age

Maybe next time you’ll be more sentimental,

And see through projections that you’ve made

Drifting off into the stream of consciousness that has been there since before birth, lucidly dozing off

Late night movies of the future begin to flash

A constant headache and an incessant drag, depression is the heaviest drug there is. Every morning and every night, sunny skies or rainfall, depression is your best and only friend. Forget hope, forget fun, forget desires, and be stuck in a deep haze of mediocrity and blandness. Depression is not only a state of being sad, it is a disease that conquers the ability to feel emotion, whether good or bad, whatsoever. It not only involves the mind, but it also involves the body and thoughts. Depression creeps up on you and before you know it, life is suddenly not as beautiful and exciting as you hoped it would be.

Depression feels like you are sinking down deeply into yourself, repressed from the world around you. Just as a rock thrown into a murky lake sinks slowly and recedes from sight, your spirit and body soon are emerged in a melancholy of despair. Depression is often characterised as a “disorder” and an inability to concentrate or feel. When happiness’ short relief ends, depression’s long and luring cloud takes over and absorbs you. The roots of depression can be caused by rejection, fear, loneliness, and failure. For instance, everything that I thought I once thought has turned grey. All this potential has seemed to fade away. All sensations have turned numb. Maybe I am just being dumb,but it is all the same. Being in love and having the most supportive and beautiful girlfriend in the world still can not stop my mind from zoning out and being absorbed in a dream of nothingness. At eighteen years I have obtained everything I had hoped and dreamed of. I have a girlfriend, a steady income, in a rock band, amazing friends and family, but there is still something wrong. I am more depressed and withdrawn from life than i have ever been. It is strange how someone so happy and ambitious has turned into a blob of a human being. The feelings of worthlessness, anger and sadness are all that run through my mind and body. All though playing the guitar and making music gives me a short release from the depression, no cure has been found yet for me. Maybe if I try and see the glass as half full and not as half empty I will be cured, but that is easier said than done. It is in my bones and in my blood to have a lack of interest in the world around me.

Love,boredom, excitement and happiness are all meaningless and miniscule terms that cannot manifest into actual feelings and emotions due to the heavy and powerful effects of depression. Depression is the only thing I feel and the only way of life I know. I do not feel like a strong and powerful human being, but instead I feel like the sinking rock falling into the abyss of the murky , grey depression.